How do I support a military wife?

JackieBB

Hey all! My sister-in-law is married to a Navy Seal. Even though we live thousands of miles apart, we are very close. Her husband is gone again - has been since July. She doesn't know where he is or when he will get back.  She has no family near her. How can I support her from this far away? A lot of times it seems as though she is too busy to even talk on the phone - she has three kids and feels like she is basically trying to raise them by herself. I want to be there for her so badly but don't have the capability to visit often. Any advice?

SamiJoeB

Send her encouraging emails, care packages for her and the kids.  Get her a gift certificate for babysitting and for a spa day or something. When you do get to talk to her, don't constantly bring up the fact that her H is gone.  I know when people ask me when my H will come home I get really frustrated because I know they're trying to be nice and helpful, but I don't need any reminders that my H is across the world from me, or that he won't be coming home for another 4 months.  Hopefully she understood the nature of the beast before they were married and knows that distance is just part of the military lifestyle.  HTH

JackieBB

Thanks that helps. Yes she understood the majority of what she was getting in too. I just don't think she factored in how it would be with kids. She refuses to leave her kids with anyone because she doesn't know anyone. It's an issue she deals with all of the time - she just won't do it. I really wish she would so that she could get some time in for herself. What kind of care packages would you recommend?

firsttimersluck

I reccommend you keep an eye on living social! they always have pampering deals and kiddo deals for everyone's area.. I bet you could find some great things for cheap to buy and gift to her, to remind her that she is thought of.
As far as care packages go, think of what she doesn't have now that she is home alone with the kids all the time..
Think of a silly package with gossip magazines, aroma therapy candles/bubble bath, a few fun nail polish colors, etc.
I'm sure anything you send her will be greatly appreciated It can be tough when the men are away and we don't get to know where they are or if they are safe.. It's wonderful to have supportive family such as yourself to ease the pain a little

firsttimersluck

You should have her consider hourly care at her local base's Child Development Center.. My mom runs child and youth services for the NPS in  Monterey, Ca and they really know their stuff...
And if she doesn't like leaving her kids with people, hourly care could help her ease into that since she can leave them there just for a grocery run if that's all she can handle doing for a while.
My mom has seen all kinds of parents with special needs from physical special needs, to vegan parents, to peanut allergies, to buddhists, to you name it. They are trained to respect all wishes of the parents since military wives and kids are from all sorts of backgrounds. I would try to have her consider it... She can't be protective of the babes forever!!

JackieBB

Yes I worry about her because of her protectiveness of the kids the damage is two fold - one for the kids not getting exposure to things and people and the other is she has no social life at all and has no support or network system. I LOVE the idea about the hourly care AND the ideas for the care packages and Living Social. You girls know your stuff!

jensenlewis

Silly uplifting care packages are great. It is too bad she isn't able to get some time to herself but I have a fellow Army wife who is currently raising 2 kiddos on her own at the moment and I know she doesn't wanna be away from the kids more so bc she says they keep her mind off worrying about her H constantly. It was a confession she had made in what she insisted was her "moment of weakness". I'm sure your SIL knows she has the resources to leave the little ones somewhere secure but maybe there's more to it? Idk. Love and support are the best things you can give. I know with my FI currently away that times get rough. Just bc they have to leave doesn't mean that our lives will stay still tor us til they get back, we have to keep going and sometimes that can be hard.

You sound like a very caring SIL, just keep doing what you're doing!

iluvmytxrgr

She more than likely knows where he is and about when he is coming back.  She just can't tell anyone.  Trust me. 
As far as helping her out, some of the other ladies had some great ideas.  Groupon sometimes has great prices on movie tickets or GCs for dinner.  Send her some of those every  now and then.  Send an encouraging card or flowers to her here and there. 
Encourage her to join a mom's group or church.  They usually have all sorts of activities for the kids and moms.  It may give her an hour of trust worthy people watching the kids in the same building she is having face to face conversations with other adults.  The YMCA is great because your membership is free when your spouse is deployed.  They have a child care center for the kids to play while you work out or take a class. 
My point is, she can't just sit around being all "poor me".  Her kids will fair far better if she gets out and does things with and with out them.  Every time my H deploys, the kids and I go on a road trip.  We find out of the way State Parks, we visit places we've never been.  This past summer, we went camping and tubing down a river.  They had a blast
In this life, your attitude is what makes you or breaks you.  She doesn't just need to get a life for her and the kids, she also needs to do it for her H.  Do you think he'll be able to concentrate on his duties if he knows she's having such a rough time at home?  No, he'll be worried about her.  That takes his focus off his job.  That's what gets people hurt or killed.