SERE Complete - Advice Nedded

shan87

Afternoon Ladies!
I heard from FI last night that he had finally completed SERE training in Washington. I'm very excited! He wasn't able to tell me much, but we did have a good laugh over some of the wilderness part. As for the resistance, interrogation portion he wasn't able to tell me ANYTHING! He was able to send me pictures of his bruises that sustained during this phase, and the detective in me has serious suspicions on how they got there.
REGARDLESS, I understand that the purpose of this training is to provide the skills and knowledge so Pilots know what to do in the event that their plane goes down across enemy lines or heaven forbid they are captured. I have no doubt that this training has made him a better Soldier.
Here is where I need advice. This is my first experience with classified missions and training--- and him not being able to share or tell me what happened, because of my lack of security clearance. I am having a heard time shutting of the investigator part of my brain this morning and today. I am wondering what these people were saying about me and his family and what on earth went on in that room that he can never talk about again!

Those that have gone through this before, how can I, as his partner be there for him and support him effectively without knowing what's going on!? I know this isn't going to be last time I am not told things, obviously, so I'd like to learn now how to know when to not ask questions and just be there when he needs me.


Thanks ladies! I'm looking forward to hearing your advice!

kyrgyzstan

He has bruises because A) he didn't have as much fat on him, so he bruised far more easily he was lacking a lot of vitamins C) he got pushed around.

The bruises aren't necessarily there because he was getting truly beat up, but you can get bruises with the slightest tap if you're too skinny or lacking in vitamins.

As far as the lack of security clearance goes, I always reminded myself that I love America more than I love knowing things (which is a lot). That helped me. My advice is to just be as normal as possible, he probably doesn't want you acting nervous/weird. 

Congrats to him for being done!

shan87

Stan - I love your quote! I do love America more than knowing things. (I think   LoL) I trust him and the Miltary and I know he is in good hands. and ... I hope I'm normal hehe! FWIW, I don't think he was beat up, but IMHO the bruises are consistent with being strapped into a chair or bound to something of that sort.

kyrgyzstan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_sere-complete-advice-nedded?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:bf8e9a08-0d0f-4a4a-91d4-aaeeaf123a2bPost:39878e2e-182a-4d13-a220-0e3f5740a028">Re: SERE Complete - Advice Nedded</a>:
[QUOTE] FWIW, I don't think he was beat up, but IMHO the bruises are consistent with being strapped into a chair or bound to something of that sort.
Posted by shan87[/QUOTE]

<div>Makes sense! </div>

MeepWedding

Just give him a hug next time you see him and try to not ask questions (I know it's hard, I'm very nosy, so I hate not knowing stuff too). I'd think of it as a good exercise in nonverbal support, if that makes sense?

sxxymarineswife

I normally do not post here,  and I just happened to be on this site checking out some wedding stuff for a friend, but the best thing you can do, as someone who has been in a very similar situation, is know everything you can about his job IN GENERAL and that will help you with the not knowing part.   Once I started reading books, getting to know other girlfriends/wives who in the same situation, it became way easier.   Once you have the general knowledge of what his job is like, it not only helps you not focus on what you don't know, but it helps you understand the different challenges your relationship will face.    I am sure you have received all sorts of advice abou how high the divorce rate is in special operations-related specialties (incredibly high) and all that.    I have seen three types of wives...the ones who want to know nothing because they will "worry", the kind who fight the process the entire time and make their husband feel guilty every time a leave is called off (it will happen) and the type who make a point to research and understand the mind of a warrior.    The only ones I have seen be successful long term are the ones in the third category.    Being an investigator, I have to assume that you fall into the third category.  Once you understand what they are doing, and if you are confident in yourself and your relationship, you will have a marriage strong and close beyond anything you could have imagined.    Even the couples I know who didn't make it still have the connection and this closeness that I have never seen before.   One last piece of advice--your best friends will become women who are in your same situation, and you will find that "normal" military wives don't understand.   If you don't give them details they will say someting isn't true, doesn't happen,etc. bcause she asked her brother's friend's uncle's cousin's ex wife, who's ex husband was a ranger in Vietnam and he says....you get the idea.    Don't be scared, but know that it's an entirely different life.  I don't know as much about being a pilot, because my experience is with guys on the ground, but from what I understand it is not terribly different.    In all reality, the bruises you mentioned may be nothing, or they may be him getting pushed around.    But before you get all up in arms about that, remind yourself that SERE was created after Vietnam.    The government never again wanted our troops to be in a situation where they were captured and tortured in the truest sense, and not have any tools to survive it.    There's a reason it is secret...it can be harsh, it can be brutal, and you most likely will only hear the most sugar coated version of what happened.    But know that what your man just endured will keep him alive if, God forbid, he should end up in a capture situation.    There are times when you have to simply take comfort in knowing that your man is the best at what he does, that he is as entirely prepared as humanly possible, and leave it at that.

kyrgyzstan

FWIW, I have been friends with 0321 spouses in the past, and I am now a 'normal' Marine FI, if what you mean is non 0321/MARSOC. It's not just SF troops who have to go through SERE. Aircrew and pilots are supposed to as well, for obvious reasons. FETs do as well, I hope you'll be friends with their husbands! The idea of segregating yourself because of your H's MOS (or in Shan's case AFSC) is strange to me, and the friend I have whose H is a Ranger doesn't do that either. Obviously you naturally have reason to be friends with other spouses that you know through your H, but I can't imagine limiting myself to FI's MOS spouses. It's a tiny MOS!

I do agree with the research for sure. There are so many great books out there that have and do satisfy my curiosity (though I don't read them necessarily to  understand FI's 'warrior' mind, but because I want to join the military).

Some authors I have (and liked) are

LTC David Grossman

Capt. Nate Fick (who writes a book far better than Generation Kill about the same platoon)

Lt. Donovan Campbell

Coram, who wrote Boyd: The Fighter Pilot who Changed the Art of War about a USAF Colonel. I haven't read this one, but the reviews are good.

Most of the books I read are unsurprisingly about the Marine Corps, especially now that I'm working my way through the Commandant's reading list. But there are tons of books about the AF as well, the military section at B&N is my fave!

shan87

Stan I have purchased several AF books for my FI from the Military section; some before he went to the USAFA and a couple of random units and aircraft he liked. Never thought to get myself one. LoL

Thanks for the advice ladies!

calindi

Those are great book recommendations!  I'll definitely be looking into them.

iluvmytxrgr

You really just have to remember not to take it personally.  I'm sure over time, you'll hear stories.  Just be patient. If he does decide to open up and share things with you, don't ever pass it on.  Those are things you just have to lock away somewhere.  GL

seasidebride24

My first two years at college I was dating a guy in a fraternity, if ever there was a place where secrets were kept it was in that house.  It used to bug the hell out of me, just because I'm nosy and wanted to know what was going on.  I hated being told that I couldn't know something, but I started getting used to it.  Then one of the other girlfriends moved into an apartment right next to the frat house, we hung out all the time because we had classes together.  Everytime something "secret" was going on next door we were able to catch bits and pieces and figure out what was going on (kind of like knowing what likely caused those bruises), like the strippers they had as entertainment one night.  We just kind of realized that there were things we weren't allowed to know explicitly, but there are ways to fill in the blanks.
On a more serious note, my FI is in the USCG and was on the first boat to respond to the earthquake in Haiti.  They set-up a clinic and had hundreds, if not thousands, of wounded come to them for medical treatment.  He has never talked about the experiences he had while treating people or the things he saw at that clinic.  He is an engineer and they had him doing sutures and giving antibiotic injections (he even helped deliver a baby!).  I can't begin to imagine the things that he saw following the destruction that took place.  The best thing I could do when he got home was to let him know that I'm happy to listen whenever he wants to talk. 
Moral of the story: Secret detective can be fun as long as you don't pry too much AND be patient and supportive.
Good Luck!