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Military Brides
calindi
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S/O Boundaries with Friends of Opposite Sex
The thread about care packages and whether a guy would mind his GF/FI/DW sending one to a male friend made me interested...
What's off limits in your relationship with regards to your friendships with people of the opposite gender? What can you do or not do? What can he do or not do? Have you always agreed on these boundaries, or if not how did you manage to communicate them and compromise?
What's off limits in your relationship with regards to your friendships with people of the opposite gender? What can you do or not do? What can he do or not do? Have you always agreed on these boundaries, or if not how did you manage to communicate them and compromise?
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Re: S/O Boundaries with Friends of Opposite Sex
FI has a number of girl friends, too, and it doesn't really bother me at all. I wouldn't want him staying in the same hotel or same bedroom, but otherwise it's not a big deal. And I usually prefer groups of 3 - if he hangs out with 2 girl friends at a time or 1 girl and 1 guy friend, I prefer that to him going out one-on-one with a girl friend. Since I realized that was my preference, I've started trying to hang out with my guy friends in 2s. But FI is the furthest thing from jealous - he trusts me 150%, which is good because I do trust him that much as well and I feel I am worthy of that trust.
Something like sending a care package to someone, I wouldn't even think twice that it might bother him! When I went out to LA to visit a former roommate a few weeks ago, she had to work on Friday so I called up a really good guy friend (who I used to hook up with for a few months in college, and FI knows this) who lived 2 hours outside the city and asked if he was free for lunch. I drove 2 hours out to see him, had lunch and hung out for about 1.5 hours, and then drove 2 hours back. To me, it was a good way to spend a Friday while my friend that I was staying with was at work, and I got to see an old friend. But when I told my former roommate, she said, "FI was okay with you driving 4 hours to spend 1.5 hours with a guy you used to hook up with???!!!!" I never thought of it that way! The thought just seriously hadn't occurred to me. So I called FI and apologized for being so inconsiderate, and he also was flabbergasted since he hadn't thought anything of it, either! So I guess we're a good match, because if either of us were with a jealous person, we'd be sure to step on some toes!
H is really laid back. I don't think we'd have huge problems with a friend from the opposite sex. We have a group of friends that are couples. We both adore the girls and the guys. I don't think I'd hang out alone with the guys or he'd hang out alone with the girls only because I was friends with the girls first and he was friends with the boys first. If that makes sense.
We didn't come into the relationship with a good friend of the opposite sex.
One thing that pissed me off when we were dating was his friend's girlfriend. They have a crappy crappy relationship and they fought ALL THE TIME. Each time the group would hang out, M (the girl) would pull H (my boyfriend/FI at the time) out to the front porch. She would cry her eyes out to him and say things like, "why can't I find a guy like you?" I trust H but I DID NOT trust her. It was fine the first time but it was ALL THE TIME. He finally just started to ignore her after I let him know it was weird. I wouldn't do that to a friend's husband.
And there's a big difference between existing friendships and new friendships. While I'd make friends with guys now, I would certainly be more cautious as to when/where I'd hang out with them - it would probably always be in groups, and certainly they would meet FI! Whereas I'm less cautious with old friends who are in serious relationships themselves (this guy I used to hook up with is engaged himself, and we've got no baggage left there).
My Dad once told me about a friend of his who got divorced, and who had apparently told my Dad that the reason was because he cheated. And he said, "At first, we just were grabbing drinks after work. And then it was dinner. And then we were going out on work trips to bars in the evenings. And then... I don't know, it just happened." And my Dad told me that he wanted to shake this man and say that no, it didn't "just happen" - he clearly put himself in a situation that made it a whole lot easier to "just happen" and continually went down a path leading to it "happening". My Dad said that he's always made it a point to never have dinner or drinks 1-1 with a woman other than my Mom or one of his sisters. And that makes sense to me!
There was this one girl FI was friendly with when he first started law school. And then last summer, we had a 4th of July party and a bunch of people came over. After a few drinks, everyone was having fun, but she kept basically climbing all over FI (then BF). I ignored her, figuring she was making a fool of herself and FI was totally oblivious. However, when she sat down in his lap, he realized what was going on and stood up really quickly, which shoved her off and she landed on the floor and her drink spilled all over her. And he shouted, "What are you doing? This is my house with C! What the f*** do you think you're doing?!" She left, and I haven't seen her since. I thought that was far better results than telling FI that I didn't want him hanging out with her again (which I was prepared to do after that party, but I wasn't going to make a scene with our guests).
I think we hit the nail on the head when we all said that friends before the relationship are okay. Friends that come after the relationship- a little uncomfortable.
I have one really good, talk for a couple hours a week on the phone straight guy friend and he's also a good friend of FI's. He's been with his girl almost as long as I've been with FI, and we do lots of double-date couple stuff together. He's my straight guy sounding board, and only once has FI ever said something about it. He got about halfway through a sentence asking if anything had ever happened and I cut him off really quick. After that we had a long talk about trust that basically boils down to "Pay attention to the situation you're in, and think about whether you'd want me watching you do it." That works well for us.
A couple of his friends who aren't military who have come to visit him really want to "drag" him to a strip club and are shocked when he tells them that he'll go, but it's not like a huge taboo secret with us. I honestly do not care, which I think deflates their enthusiasm a bit. I know that a stripper is at her job, and her job is to make money, but thousand to one, she is not there to "take my man." Generally, she's a stripper, not a hooker, there's a big difference. I know girls who won't let (yes, "won't let") their SOs go to Hooters because they're afraid of the "sluts" who might lead him to cheat (I am serious, this is a reason I was given by one of FI's friend's gfs). Their job is to be nice and look cute. It boggles the mind.
In fact, as a testament to just how supportive Fi is, I'm planning on moving down south soon to live with one of my best friends. He is living with his best friend who is practically family and whom I also love to death. They are genuinely great guys and I have no fear whatsoever that we would ever be tempted to do anything. The best is when I tell people what I'm doing and they freak out about what Fi thinks, and then I tell them it's his idea lol. He found out he can move down to be with me after his next deployment and since he is leaving I may as well take the time to get settled. It doesn't hurt that he loves my friend Kurt, and really likes his roommate (he's met him fewer times). So basically Fi is going overseas and I am moving in with 2 other guys and he's totally cool with it. Ha.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUA-2UMKx5s
Just remember, there may be champagne in the Champagne Room....
Also, growing up I had a lot of guy friends. They were never anything more then friends. I had a few that liked me and some that still do, but they know it could never be anything more. But I feel that it would be disrespectful to my FI to hang out with any of them without him there. My FI feels the same way about himself with girl friends.
We have a lot of couples that we're really close to and hang out with but at the end of the day he's my best friend and the only guy I really want to spend time with on a personal level and he says the same about me.
Anyways this is just us and everybody is different and different things work for different people!
I hope this makes sense. I feel like I'm not finding the right words!
Fi's high school best friend I know and have no problem with him doing pretty much whatever with her. I trust both of them, so they hang out alone, go out to dinner together, etc - pretty much anything I'd be comfortable with him doing with a sister, if he had one. His other female friends he mostly hangs out with in groups, or sometimes lunch at work one-on-one with a female friend. Honestly, there's not a lot that would make me uncomfortable as long as he was honest about what was going on and didn't seem to be unusually attentive to one particular friend.
My only good male friends are also my exes, which puts them in a slightly different category than Fi's female friends. Both of my exes are in other relationships and theres no baggage there, but as other people mentioned, there's just something disrespectful about being too close to certain people (for instance, people you've slept with.) I still hang out with them and text them from time to time, but we don't hang out alone.
My FI and I are on the same page as everyone when it comes to this. Most of my friends are guys and he has a lot of girl friends. As long as we're open and honest with each other, there's not really a problem.
The only sort of "issue" we're having is that he wants to invite his good friend "K" to our wedding but he used to hook up/date her and she tried for about 5 months to get him to cheat on me with her! To me, that is totally disrespectful and I don't want someone like that at my wedding. If I'm wrong to feel that way, please let me know!
RSVP Date: October 20