Military Brides

S/O Boundaries with Friends of Opposite Sex

The thread about care packages and whether a guy would mind his GF/FI/DW sending one to a male friend made me interested...

What's off limits in your relationship with regards to your friendships with people of the opposite gender?  What can you do or not do?  What can he do or not do?  Have you always agreed on these boundaries, or if not how did you manage to communicate them and compromise?

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Re: S/O Boundaries with Friends of Opposite Sex

  • calindicalindi member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    For me, I've always been close friends with men.  So I'd have a hard time dating anyone who would be jealous of me hanging out with other men platonically.  I really hated when guys I would date would be jealous - to me, a person who is easily jealous distrusts their partner (and sometimes I've seen it's because s/he her/himself cannot be trusted and so they expect the same of their partner), and I can't stand that.  I have long phone chats with guy friends, I will go visit guy friends and stay at their homes, I'll go out for drinks with a guy friend.

    FI has a number of girl friends, too, and it doesn't really bother me at all.  I wouldn't want him staying in the same hotel or same bedroom, but otherwise it's not a big deal.  And I usually prefer groups of 3 - if he hangs out with 2 girl friends at a time or 1 girl and 1 guy friend, I prefer that to him going out one-on-one with a girl friend.  Since I realized that was my preference, I've started trying to hang out with my guy friends in 2s.  But FI is the furthest thing from jealous - he trusts me 150%, which is good because I do trust him that much as well and I feel I am worthy of that trust. 

    Something like sending a care package to someone, I wouldn't even think twice that it might bother him!  When I went out to LA to visit a former roommate a few weeks ago, she had to work on Friday so I called up a really good guy friend (who I used to hook up with for a few months in college, and FI knows this) who lived 2 hours outside the city and asked if he was free for lunch.  I drove 2 hours out to see him, had lunch and hung out for about 1.5 hours, and then drove 2 hours back.  To me, it was a good way to spend a Friday while my friend that I was staying with was at work, and I got to see an old friend.  But when I told my former roommate, she said, "FI was okay with you driving 4 hours to spend 1.5 hours with a guy you used to hook up with???!!!!"  I never thought of it that way!  The thought just seriously hadn't occurred to me.  So I called FI and apologized for being so inconsiderate, and he also was flabbergasted since he hadn't thought anything of it, either!  So I guess we're a good match, because if either of us were with a jealous person, we'd be sure to step on some toes!

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  • LetsHikeTodayLetsHikeToday member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Good question!

    H is really laid back. I don't think we'd have huge problems with a friend from the opposite sex. We have a group of friends that are couples. We both adore the girls and the guys. I don't think I'd hang out alone with the guys or he'd hang out alone with the girls only because I was friends with the girls first and he was friends with the boys first. If that makes sense.

    We didn't come into the relationship with a good friend of the opposite sex.

    One thing that pissed me off when we were dating was his friend's girlfriend. They have a crappy crappy relationship and they fought ALL THE TIME. Each time the group would hang out, M (the girl) would pull H (my boyfriend/FI at the time) out to the front porch. She would cry her eyes out to him and say things like, "why can't I find a guy like you?" I trust H but I DID NOT trust her. It was fine the first time but it was ALL THE TIME. He finally just started to ignore her after I let him know it was weird. I wouldn't do that to a friend's husband.
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  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Some of my best friends are guys, and H met them and knew about them from the very beginning.  He loves my guy friends and has no problems at all with any of them.  It may or may not make a difference that all of them are in LTR's as well.  He wouldn't have a problem if I went to lunch alone with them or anything like that.  However if I met a random new guy friend now and went to lunch with him, he might not be as comfortable with it.  

    For him, he only had 1 girl really that was a friend, but it was an ex.  I had known her since high school and never liked her, and I had no problems telling him that.  I was okay with her texting him at first, but he knew I wasn't okay when she started trying to booty call him or things like that.  It took a while to realize that she didn't want to be just friends, and luckily he hasn't heard from her since the day she found out we were engaged.  

    I don't tihnk it matters whether or not someone would be okay with it, and I personally hate the mentality that if you trust your FI/H then you shouldn't care who he is with.  I trust my H, but I don't trust all women, especially ones like his ex.  I think the most important thing is being open and honest with each other, and respecting each other's feelings.  H is out to sea right now, and if I became friends with a guy I would respect H and not go to lunch with him or hang out with him by myself without H meeting him or being okay with it.  
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  • LetsHikeTodayLetsHikeToday member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In terms of a care package, H wouldn't care if I sent one to a guy friend. I wouldn't care if he sent on to a girl friend.
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  • kyrgyzstankyrgyzstan member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    If I wouldn't do it with FI's full knowledge (or right in front of him), I wouldn't do it at all. That's my philosophy with my guy friends. 
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  • calindicalindi member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I those are very good distinctions - there's a difference between trusting your partner and trusting other people.  Sometimes it's not that you're afraid they would cheat, just that it's disrespectful to be hanging out with someone who might have ulterior motives or in a situation that would look scandelous (like me going out to a fancy dinner with a guy friend all dressed up - it would look like a date, which is disrespectful).

    And there's a big difference between existing friendships and new friendships.  While I'd make friends with guys now, I would certainly be more cautious as to when/where I'd hang out with them - it would probably always be in groups, and certainly they would meet FI!  Whereas I'm less cautious with old friends who are in serious relationships themselves (this guy I used to hook up with is engaged himself, and we've got no baggage left there).

    My Dad once told me about a friend of his who got divorced, and who had apparently told my Dad that the reason was because he cheated.  And he said, "At first, we just were grabbing drinks after work.  And then it was dinner.  And then we were going out on work trips to bars in the evenings.  And then... I don't know, it just happened."  And my Dad told me that he wanted to shake this man and say that no, it didn't "just happen" - he clearly put himself in a situation that made it a whole lot easier to "just happen" and continually went down a path leading to it "happening".  My Dad said that he's always made it a point to never have dinner or drinks 1-1 with a woman other than my Mom or one of his sisters.  And that makes sense to me!

    There was this one girl FI was friendly with when he first started law school.  And then last summer, we had a 4th of July party and a bunch of people came over.  After a few drinks, everyone was having fun, but she kept basically climbing all over FI (then BF).  I ignored her, figuring she was making a fool of herself and FI was totally oblivious.  However, when she sat down in his lap, he realized what was going on and stood up really quickly, which shoved her off and she landed on the floor and her drink spilled all over her.  And he shouted, "What are you doing?  This is my house with C!  What the f*** do you think you're doing?!"  She left, and I haven't seen her since.  I thought that was far better results than telling FI that I didn't want him hanging out with her again (which I was prepared to do after that party, but I wasn't going to make a scene with our guests).

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  • LetsHikeTodayLetsHikeToday member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'd be SUPER pissed if a girl sat on H's lap.

    I think we hit the nail on the head when we all said that friends before the relationship are okay. Friends that come after the relationship- a little uncomfortable.
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  • Sammy0709Sammy0709 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My thoughts are similar to Stan's. Additionally, I don't really hang out with or talk to guys unless DH knows them as well. Like wise for DH when it comes to girls. Work associates are an exception but I have never really hung out with someone outside of work. Most of the people I worked with in college were pretty shady.
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  • divinemsbeedivinemsbee member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well, I'm a girl's girl and a girly girly girl and I was a theater major in college--so most of my male friends are "friends of Dorothy." I really love having girl-friends around because it gives me a sense of community. Fi is great about this; he studied dance (ballet) throughout his teens, so he's been pretty exposed to all different types of people, and it also means that he has a lot of female friends left from that time in his life. I'm clear that I'm totally cool with them as long as he's honest and they know that he's with someone permanent.

    I have one really good, talk for a couple hours a week on the phone straight guy friend and he's also a good friend of FI's. He's been with his girl almost as long as I've been with FI, and we do lots of double-date couple stuff together. He's my straight guy sounding board, and only once has FI ever said something about it. He got about halfway through a sentence asking if anything had ever happened and I cut him off really quick. After that we had a long talk about trust that basically boils down to "Pay attention to the situation you're in, and think about whether you'd want me watching you do it." That works well for us.

    A couple of his friends who aren't military who have come to visit him really want to "drag" him to a strip club and are shocked when he tells them that he'll go, but it's not like a huge taboo secret with us. I honestly do not care, which I think deflates their enthusiasm a bit. I know that a stripper is at her job, and her job is to make money, but thousand to one, she is not there to "take my man." Generally, she's a stripper, not a hooker, there's a big difference. I know girls who won't let (yes, "won't let") their SOs go to Hooters because they're afraid of the "sluts" who might lead him to cheat (I am serious, this is a reason I was given by one of FI's friend's gfs). Their job is to be nice and look cute. It boggles the mind.
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  • bltatabltata member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Most of my life some of my closest friends have been guys and I have put that on the table with any man I've ever dated.  They have to be ok with it or I can't be with them.  Fi is extremely comfortable with all my guy friends.  Any of the ones I wouldn't hang out with alone, I wouldn't do it whether I was with Fi or not since they creep me out unless we are in large groups. Care packages wouldn't bother him at all, and he actually thought it was cool that I sent one to my friend who is like a brother to me while he was in Afghanistan.

    In fact, as a testament to just how supportive Fi is, I'm planning on moving down south soon to live with one of my best friends.  He is living with his best friend who is practically family and whom I also love to death.  They are genuinely great guys and I have no fear whatsoever that we would ever be tempted to do anything.  The best is when I tell people what I'm doing and they freak out about what Fi thinks, and then I tell them it's his idea lol.  He found out he can move down to be with me after his next deployment and since he is leaving I may as well take the time to get settled.  It doesn't hurt that he loves my friend Kurt, and really likes his roommate (he's met him fewer times).  So basically Fi is going overseas and I am moving in with 2 other guys and he's totally cool with it. Ha.
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  • KendallR10KendallR10 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    What's off limits in your relationship with regards to your friendships with people of the opposite gender? nothing as far as I know. I have jokes with friends like "You're having my babies." But it means nothing. I've held hands with a guy when I was dating someone. and I can kiss someone on the cheek but that is what I have always done. It means nothing 
     What can you do or not do? I can't cheat. No kissing on the lips and beyond
     What can he do or not do? He can't cheat. and I would prefer if he didn't talk to his d!ck sucking ex but I can't stop him
     Have you always agreed on these boundaries, or if not how did you manage to communicate them and compromise? I don't think we set these knowing it. Neather of us changed who we were or what we did. Other than the obvious
    Military Brides December 2011 Siggy. Holiday picture with your SO. We suck and don't have one :/ Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.
  • calindicalindi member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Oh, the strip club's a funny one!  At FI's last birthday, we were out at a happy hour type thing and his buddies surrounded me and were being all sweet, and I finally said, "Cut the bull, what's up?"  And they said, "Well, it's really not a big deal... I mean, it's his birthday... if he wants to have some fun..."  And I thought they were talking about shots, and I knew FI didn't want to do shots so I had no problem pretending to be the bad guy so he didn't look like a wuss, but then they said, "Strip club's aren't a big deal."  And I said, "Oh, is that all?  If he wants to, whatever."  And then I told him that if he needed a ride, to call me.  He said, "What, you're going home?  Why?"  And I said, "Well, I didn't figure you guys would want your girlfriend muddying up your guys' night out at the strip club."  And he said, "No, come!  Please?"  So I went!  And we left about 30 minutes after and got frisky on our own at home.  And the following day, the wife of one of his buddies (who neither of us like) had texted us both telling us that the next time my FI wanted to get a lap dance (which he didn't get) and blow $300 of their hard earned money (uh... lap dances only cost $50... dunno what this guy got!) that we should think that it was money that could be putting food on their table for their daughter.  Um... awkward! Guess we were this guy's scape goat!

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  • divinemsbeedivinemsbee member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Cal- That is both hilarious and ridiculous.
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  • divinemsbeedivinemsbee member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    And now that I've though of strip clubs, I can't get this song out of my head:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUA-2UMKx5s

    Just remember, there may be champagne in the Champagne Room....
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  • edited December 2011
    My FI and I talked about this early on in our relationship just to get it on the table so there wouldn't be any issues in the future.  We believe in burning bridges pretty much with anybody of the opposite sex.(we're not mean to people this is just what we call it... not going to dinner with people of the opposite sex alone or hanging out alone with them etc... if that makes sense)   Doesn't  really mean I can't have guy friend or him  girl friends but we just won't hang out with somebody of the opposite sex without the other one present.  It's not a matter of trusting eachother but it's more about not trusting other people.  In today's society most people could care less if you're in a relationship or even married if they want something they'll do what they can to get it.  so we just think burning the bridges will prevent anything from ever happening.  We trust eachother but this is just how we both feel about it. 

    Also, growing up I had a lot of guy friends.  They were never anything more then friends.  I had a few that liked me and some that still do, but they know it could never be anything more.  But I feel that it would be disrespectful to my FI to hang out with any of them without him there.   My FI feels the same way about himself with girl friends.  

    We have a lot of couples that we're really close to and hang out with but at the end of the day he's my best friend and the only guy I really want to spend time with on a personal level and he says the same about me. 

    Anyways this is just us and everybody is different and different things work for different people! 

    I hope this makes sense.  I feel like I'm not finding the right words! 



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  • edited December 2011
    FI has always had female friends - his best friend from high school is female, at at least half of his buddies from work are female too. I swear you could surround the man with other men, and he would end up friends with the one random woman who is around!

    Fi's high school best friend I know and have no problem with him doing pretty much whatever with her. I trust both of them, so they hang out alone, go out to dinner together, etc - pretty much anything I'd be comfortable with him doing with a sister, if he had one. His other female friends he mostly hangs out with in groups, or sometimes lunch at work one-on-one with a female friend. Honestly, there's not a lot that would make me uncomfortable as long as he was honest about what was going on and didn't seem to be unusually attentive to one particular friend.

    My only good male friends are also my exes, which puts them in a slightly different category than Fi's female friends. Both of my exes are in other relationships and theres no baggage there, but as other people mentioned, there's just something disrespectful about being too close to certain people (for instance, people you've slept with.) I still hang out with them and text them from time to time, but we don't hang out alone.

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  • edited December 2011
    FI is super laid back about everything, he hasn't ever shown that he cares one way or the other about who I am or am not friends with. I'm the same way about it. 
    As far as the care package situation goes, he wouldn't mind at all...so long as FI's care package was better haha. 
    She's always wanted to be a princess and he's always wanted to be a hero; as fate would now have it, she is his princess and he is her hero *Semper Fi* Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • YoungDuoYoungDuo member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    My FI and I are on the same page as everyone when it comes to this. Most of my friends are guys and he has a lot of girl friends. As long as we're open and honest with each other, there's not really a problem.

    The only sort of "issue" we're having is that he wants to invite his good friend "K" to our wedding but he used to hook up/date her and she tried for about 5 months to get him to cheat on me with her! To me, that is totally disrespectful and I don't want someone like that at my wedding. If I'm wrong to feel that way, please let me know!

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  • KendallR10KendallR10 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    FI and I have next to no issue with this. FI is even okay with a guy friend wanting to take me to dinner. Without him
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  • edited December 2011
    When I was on a business trip, my FI got a call from a female friend who was in town for work. He took her jetskiing since that is his shiny toy he likes to show off, and then while he washed the jetski outside, she showered in OUR shower in the master bath. He did all this before talking to me about it (because I was in the air flying when everything happened). He figured that it was okay because if I had been here, he said I'd be okay with it.

    The thought of some girl who I barely know showering in OUR bathroom and walking around naked in OUR bedroom when I'm out of town for work made me sick. I made that crystal clear to FI. Doesn't matter if nothing happened, what if this stupid ho was one of these women PP's have mentioned that you can't trust?

    Long story short, FI had a feeling that even if he had talked to me beforehand, I would have been uncomfortable with this situation. Obviously we had to have a clear boundary conversation after he went against his gut feeling, and I pointed out that I would NEVER, under ANY circumstances, have a guy over when he was out of town, just one-on-one, and let that guy walk around naked in our bedroom, regardless of what I was doing outside or elsewhere in the house.

    But care packages? Whatever. I've sent those to males and females from work that are deployed. Not a big deal. Hard to complain when someone you know is over there and needs decent toilet paper...
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  • calindicalindi member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    LOLways - yeah that is something we discussed, too!  I was out of town for work and FI had one of his law school buddies (female) over for dinner at our house.  I was okay with him grabbing a quick bite with her, but having her in our home?  At night on a Friday night when I was out of town?  I wasn't comfortable with it.

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  • edited December 2011
    calindi- that makes me feel better to know you had a similar situation and felt uncomfortable too... I've gotten an array of responses from the few people I talked about it with, from "why are you so jealous?!" to "ew, did you scrub your shower after she was in it?" (which I did, ha)
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