Wow people are rude... Vow renewal questions

Saskia07

First of all, what is with all the rude comments about military families who decided to have a private legal wedding before a deployment and want to have a big wedding for their families later???

We're one of those families.  And I couldn't be happier!

However, I really want to reaffirm my vows to my husband in front of my parents and family.  (really, is that so wrong *roll eyes*)

I don't necessarily want a big, formal wedding.  I'm thinking more - exchange vows, take pictures, have a big family bbq.  But I'm having trouble finding examples of what a ceremony would look like without an officiant.

Any ideas?

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_wow-people-rude-vow-renewal-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:d85d163c-fe17-4174-8c0c-7f2a9ff866fbPost:90a529a4-cecd-467c-808e-d59e12923116">Wow people are rude... Vow renewal questions</a>:
[QUOTE]First of all, what is with all the rude comments about military families who decided to have a <strong>private legal wedding before a deployment and want to have a big wedding for their families later??? </strong>We're one of those families.  And I couldn't be happier! However, I really want to reaffirm my vows to my husband in front of my parents and family.  (really, is that so wrong *roll eyes*) I don't necessarily want a big, formal wedding.  I'm thinking more - exchange vows, take pictures, have a big family bbq.  But I'm having trouble finding examples of what a ceremony would look like without an officiant. Any ideas?
Posted by Saskia07[/QUOTE]

<div>Of course you are one of those families.  You wouldn't care how people feel about them if not.</div><div>
</div><div>First of all, you're going to upset a lot of people by referring to your wedding as a "legal wedding" and not the real wedding, which it in fact is.  However, as long as you don't lie to your guests and pretend you're not married, then it's generally more accepted.  What you are planning is a vow renewal, not a "big wedding."</div><div>
</div><div>Personally, I think it's ridiculous to carry out all the aspects of a traditional wedding at a vow renewal, such as big white dress, father walking down the aisle, having  a wedding party, first dances, and cak cutting.  These are things reserved for brides, which you are not this time around.  However, you're going to do what you want to do, regadless of what anyone tells you.  </div>

kyrgyzstan

Generally i judge them because I think rushing a marriage just because of a deployment is foolish and unnecessary.

However, I advise against them before they happen. Once that choice has been made, I still judge, but I don't care because there's nothing I can do about it at that point.

What you're describing as a vow renewal sounds fine and dandy. We don't care for pretending you're not married and lying to people. My NG friend had one similar to yours, casual, BBQ, etc. and it was very tasteful and pretty. And most importantly, everyone knew she was married.

Saskia07

Everyone knows we're married.  We just want to celebrate with them.

MrsH8611

Well I can answer the "first of all" question... Girls on here.... excuse me... most girls on here are just out to be very rude and correct every little thing that goes against the stone age days of weddings. Don't get me wrong I have met amazing girls on here too! And couldn't have done some of my planning without them!! But the big deal is that most of these snarky Knotties have with all couples doing the (court house thing now and big celebration later), especially military families, is that when you call your big party a "wedding" after you are technically already married... it is a big no-no on the website. Most women will attack the crap out of you because they feel "it is not a wedding, it is not your wedding, nor should it be celebrated like a wedding. it is a vow renewal and that is that. You missed out on your chance to have the wedding you wanted so live with it".............THIS I TELL YOU was written by another knottie..and I was appalled!!!!

That woman has NO idea what situations military wives or fiances are put in or anyone woman on the Knot for that matter. So the big deal is the name. that's it. Or that is what I have gathered from reading the posts.... if you get a chance... find a post about vow renewals/wedding or something... and you will see that one woman that says something about how it is not a wedding and they are already married so it is strictly a vow renewal and all that jazz , but doesn't say it with any attempt to understand at all and is so completely rude ....will  just makes your stomach turn.

And I really like your laid back idea of re-doing your vows, but can you renew your vows without an officiant? I have no clue if you can, I am asking that question haha.  I have just always seen them renewed by an officant of some sort... so I don't know if that's like a requirement or something? But I wish you all the luck!! And it will be gorgeous I am sure!!

MrsH8611

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_wow-people-rude-vow-renewal-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:d85d163c-fe17-4174-8c0c-7f2a9ff866fbPost:a6b8a032-8844-4528-9862-b9850106f606">Re: Wow people are rude... Vow renewal questions</a>:
[QUOTE]Generally i judge them because I think rushing a marriage just because of a deployment is foolish and unnecessary. However, I advise against them before they happen. Once that choice has been made, I still judge, but I don't care because there's nothing I can do about it at that point. What you're describing as a vow renewal sounds fine and dandy. We don't care for pretending you're not married and lying to people. My NG friend had one similar to yours, casual, BBQ, etc. and it was very tasteful and pretty. And most importantly, everyone knew she was married.
Posted by WishIcouldbeinthe'stan[/QUOTE]

I like this !!! Very smart woman!

Beachy730

I apologize for my comment about you're going to do what you want regardless of what anyone tells you.  I only half read your post, and missed the part about wanting a backyard bbq.  I was just on another similar post on another board and carried the aggravation about it over here.

Mrs.H - even as a military wife I still don't feel that "the military" is a good enough reason to have a JOP and then a big wedding later.  I totally get wanting to be married before a deployment, as we did too, but it doesn't mean you have to do a JOP.  We bumped our wedding up by 5 months, which left us only 5 months to plan and pay for the wedding.  Because of that we made a couple sacrifices or scaled back, but it was important to us to do it how we wanted, and not to wait and plan a do-over later. 

However, everyone is different.  Personally I think the delayed PPD's are a waste of money, but it's not my money that people are spending so that's fine.  But when I see brides who still think they should get showers and bachelorette parties and register for gifts, I want to scream.

calindi

MrsH - I really think you've got a bit of a skewed perspective on this whole thing.  First, most women on here just suggest not to lie to family and friends - if you decide to get married, it's your right to say when and where and how.  But it's insulting to say the legal aspect is "just signing papers".  Totally understandable that the religious aspect is important for some brides, so I can understand that a bit more as being referred to as the 'real wedding' for those brides.  But just because you're in a white dress does not make it a "wedding" - getting married makes it a wedding, and everyone is welcome to have as many vow renewals as they want and to do them however they want.  But seriously, you can only get married once.

As far as 'special circumstances' that military brides have, I don't agree with you that it's a justification for anything.  I just got laid off from work, and my FI is a Marine.  If we got married now rather than in 15 months, my FI would make enough in BAH to cover what I would normally make for income and I would be covered by health insurance.  Honestly, it's tempting.  But we know why we want to get married, and part of that is to build a family.  And we just don't see how we can build a family by lying to our families about when we're getting married.  And we don't feel ready to go, "Hey Mom & Dad, we're going to the courthouse, but we're still planning that big party for next September that you're paying for!"

So no, I don't see what "special circumstances" military brides have.  Granted, my guy isn't deploying, but I'd say we have a more compelling case than a just-about-to-deploy situation as it would literally help me keep the roof over my head and pay any unforeseen medical bills so I don't end up in bankruptcy.  There's no reason to get married in a rush before deployment.  Will you miss him less if you're married?  Nope.  Will he come back any sooner or stay safer?  Nope.  You just make a bit more money.  Which in my opinion is milking the system.



Okay, Sashkia - none of that was at you, though if you read between the lines you'll see my main point - lying to your family isn't cool, but vow renewals are a sweet way of sharing your joy as long as everyone's aware that you're both already married.

I bought a book at Barnes & Nobles about creating our own ceremony.  With vow renewals, there's no rules - you can do it however you want.  And it would be pretty easy to switch around some of the ceremony wording to make it a renewal rather than a wedding ceremony.  Go check out their wedding section or check on Amazon.com for ceremony books and you might find some useful stuff!

Saskia07

Thanks.  Yeah, we did get married sooner than planned because of a deployment.  But it was the best decision for our family, and I'll stand by it.  However, now that we have the opportunity, I just want to say my vows to my husband in front of my family.

Like I said, it's really just a casual backyard BBQ thing, but I'm trying to figure out some flow of events besides interrupting everyone in the middle of their hamburgers or something. 

Beachy730

Are you going to do the vows in the backyard as well?  I would just do the setup similar to a wedding.  If you say it starts at 5, plan to renew your vows at 5.  Or you could do an informal cocktail hour for the first hour, then renew your vows, and then eat and enjoy your night.

Saskia07

Yeah, something like that  

I think the thing that is throwing me is what to say to lead in to the vow part.  Ya know how the officiant says their welcome thing, talking about marriage and all that?  Well, if we don't have an officiant (seems weird for something this casual), who would say that, or maybe we should just skip that part.

Beachy730

You could just have a friend or family member do it.  Do you watch Grey's Anatomy?  I know it's TV, but they just had a lesbian couple marry on the show, and a friend performed the ceremony since it wasn't a legal marriage.  Since you are just renewing your vows, you can have someone close to you stand up there, like a parent or sibling or good friend.  You can probably find a script or outlline to follow online or in a book.

Saskia07

Thanks I'll keep looking for ideas.

I could maybe ask my aunt to officiate for us.

SamiJoeB

I hate that we have such a bad rep for dissing VR. Like most people said, we don't condone lying to your friends and family, if you're going to JOP, then go for it, but be honest about it. And if you want to have a VR later, have at it, but don't get married for "the benefits", lie to your family, and then expect them to throw you a PPD. Don't expect bridal showers, and bachelorette parties. Like Beach said, those things are for brides, and as a married woman you are not a bride (not you OP, but women wanting to do just that). I think that your idea sounds lovely. I understand wanting to say your vows in front of your parents. I'm sure your day will be beautiful!!

firsttimersluck

Ya know what? SCREW all those girls that offended you. It's going to happen a lot in the military life, as I'm sure you know, so that's all you can do.
:P

Secondly have your own GIANT ass FORMAL renewal. If that's what you want. Have a bbq when you're in a big white dres. If that's what you want. SOMEONE will judge you no matter what you do, so accept that and you're golden.

I think [complete personal opinion keep in mind.. do what you want :P ] that you should have an "officiant" but make it in the form of whomever. For example, my situation:
My Fiance' and I are getting married in September.. er.. having the WEDDING then. That's right. We are getting married prior (all those people that don't agree with taht can suck it :P ) We are going to legally wed here soon so that we can get allt he financial paperwork done and over with and not feel like we have to think about that on the wedding day. Also, our officiant is my FI's best friend who is in fact a pastor, but from another state. This way she can wed us without having to deal with tricky state-to-state legal stuff for her.

Ever thought of having a close friend of the both of you stand as your "officiant" ? It would be sweet to have him/her say some words, make sure that you two still "take" each other and all that jazz with knowing the both of you.. maybe she/he can say a bad moment that you two went throuh, followed by one of the best, and how easily you overcome things. Something that is similar to a wedding without being fake, as you two are already married. and then you don't have that empty awkward space.

Thought a thought

MrsH8611

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_wow-people-rude-vow-renewal-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:d85d163c-fe17-4174-8c0c-7f2a9ff866fbPost:939aef5c-89b2-4f0f-9f57-4beb930515be">Re: Wow people are rude... Vow renewal questions</a>:
[QUOTE] Ever thought of having a close friend of the both of you stand as your "officiant" ? It would be sweet to have him/her say some words, make sure that you two still "take" each other ;) and all that jazz with knowing the both of you.. maybe she/he can say a bad moment that you two went throuh, followed by one of the best, and how easily you overcome things. Something that is similar to a wedding without being fake, as you two are already married. and then you don't have that empty awkward space. Thought a thought :)
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]


Awesome idea!!!!

firsttimersluck

Hey these boards come in handy for a reason! hehe.... glad we could inspire a little... I know I have had a lot of help via these things

kyrgyzstan

*Sigh* 

That's the stuff that's weird to me. Why do you need someone who's already your H to take you? He already did that. I'm totally down for a barn/back yard "I love you so much, I'm so glad to have married you, let's celebrate our love with the people we love" kind of thing, but having a big huge to do will never make sense to me. I'd go to one if someone I loved had one, but it would be a little bit pageant-y to me. 

It's also strange to me when people call their marriage paperwork. Enrolling in Deers and the like is not even difficult. We're taking a couple days post marriage to do it, it's not that hard to get done, but then again, we're not getting married for health care, add'l BAH, or anything of that nature. If FI had something happen to him, I'm taken care of. I'm the recipient of everything but his remains. Like Calindi, marriage would have made everything easier for us (and for my future career). If we had gotten married a long time ago, we'd have more money, and I'd have health insurance. But having my marriage begin with a wedding day was important to me, and it was important that we married with no other motivations besides love. So we waited. We'll have been together 3 years when we get married. An eternity in the military, but well worth it. FI can currently tell his Marines to wait with integrity, and I can tell my future (hopefully) Marines to wait with experience.  

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_wow-people-rude-vow-renewal-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:d85d163c-fe17-4174-8c0c-7f2a9ff866fbPost:939aef5c-89b2-4f0f-9f57-4beb930515be">Re: Wow people are rude... Vow renewal questions</a>:
[QUOTE]Ya know what? SCREW all those girls that offended you. It's going to happen a lot in the military life, as I'm sure you know, so that's all you can do. :P Secondly have your own GIANT ass FORMAL renewal. If that's what you want. Have a bbq when you're in a big white dres. If that's what you want. SOMEONE will judge you no matter what you do, so accept that and you're golden. I think [complete personal opinion keep in mind.. do what you want :P ] that you should have an "officiant" but make it in the form of whomever. For example, my situation: My Fiance' and I are getting married in September.. er.. having the WEDDING then. That's right. We are getting married prior (all those people that don't agree with taht can suck it :P ) <strong>We are going to legally wed here soon so that we can get allt he financial paperwork done and over with and not feel like we have to think about that on the wedding day.</strong> Also, our officiant is my FI's best friend who is in fact a pastor, but from another state. This way she can wed us without having to deal with tricky state-to-state legal stuff for her. Ever thought of having a close friend of the both of you stand as your "officiant" ? It would be sweet to have him/her say some words, make sure that you two still "take" each other ;) and all that jazz with knowing the both of you.. maybe she/he can say a bad moment that you two went throuh, followed by one of the best, and how easily you overcome things. Something that is similar to a wedding without being fake, as you two are already married. and then you don't have that empty awkward space. Thought a thought :)
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>The bolded part doesn't make sense to me.  I can assure you the paperwork that we needed to take care of was the furthest thing from our minds on our wedding day.  And we got everything taken care of the Monday after the wedding, including getting me enrolled in DEERS and my dependent ID.  We were PCS-ing soon after, so we had more paperwork to take care of then someone not close to a PCS, and it still wasn't even close to difficult or stressful.</div><div>
</div><div>Like Calindi and Stan, we could have benefited from doing a JOP earlier, but it was important to us not to.  I broke my wrist and needed surgery a week before my teaching contract was up where I was losing my job and health insurance, and 6 months before the wedding.  Yes it would have been cheaper to just JOP and get covered under his insurance and collect the extra BAH, but that is not why we decided to get married.  </div><div>
</div><div>I guess I just will never understand the arguments for having a PPD after.  If it's so important to you (general you, not anyone in specific) to have your family and friends see you get "married", why wasn't it important to you when you actually got married?  I can assure you that when I am excited for weddings, it is to see the couple get married, not just to see her in a white dress and watch them dance.  And I feel the same about it when people say it's important that they marry in a church, but it wasn't important enough for the first time around.  </div><div>
</div>

ellie_spoutz

yeah if you're telling people it's fine. My fiance and i got engaged a few days before he deployed and his family kept trying to convince us to do what you did, so be engaged for a day. And they kept saying more money this and more money that and that we would still have our wedding like normal and they wouldn't tell anyone about it. I'm sorry, but NO WAY. Extra money is not worth lying to my family and when they say happy anniversary, i'd always know that really wasn't my anniversary. Then, once he was back from deployment, we got transferred and they kept pushing it on us about money and that it would be easier. luckily we both 100% stood our ground and i'm glad we did. If we chose to do it and be honest, that'd be fine, but no way could i live my life like that. I'm guessing a lot of people assume thats the case. i couldn't believe they were really trying to convince us by saying no one will know but us!!!

Avion22

A lot of people on these boards have very strong opinions about things.  I wouldn't take any of it personally.   Nor would I let the opinions of strangers IN ANY WAY effect how I choose to plan my wedding.  

YOU know your friends and family better than any of us do, and you know your situation better.   If you want to celebrate your marriage with your friends and family there, then you should do it:-)  If they know you're married, and still want share in your love, then they will be there and be supportive of you.  

A lot of people here think of etiquette as a set of hard and fast rules, but the truth is that a lot of it depends on your situation, your particular friends and family, culture, what part of the country you live in, etc. 


As far as how to run your day, I think you can do it however you want.  Having a friend be your "officiant" would be really nice and meaningful.  If you don't have anyone in mind, you might be able to get a chaplain from base to come out and perform the religious part of your ceremony.  If you want something more relaxed, you might still ask a chaplain for suggestions on wording your ceremony, readings, etc.  I would imagine that military chaplains probably do this kind of ceremony a lot :-)

calindi

There's certainly a lot of gray area with etiquette, but I will never see how getting married to milk the system for more money while lying to your family is a valid choice. I call it fraud. If someone wants to get married earlier then the appropriate thing to do is to get married, openly and honestly. If they choose to then later have a great big vow renewal in a white dress, then cool. Their choice. Like Stan, I just want my wedding day to be the first day of my marriage and not just a party where I wear a white dress. But that IS someone's choice, and yes people will judge you, but if you're honest then it is someones choice to attend or not. But no, therre is no justifiable reason to JOP and not tell anyone.

iluvmy0341

Ok for all of you who think EVERYONE who elopes gets married for "money and free healthcare," maybe you should look at these:

USMC 2011 BAH RATES 
USMC 2011 PAY RATES

and FYI, that "free healthcare" has twenty some dollars taken out each paycheck for each dependent (but I guess since you're not married to the military yet, you don't know how to read an LES and you weren't informed of this when you signed up at TRICARE). Before all of you go being rude to women on here who have eloped and are planning a vow renewal, you should really think twice about bashing them for "only doing it for money and healthcare." I'm really sick of seeing on this military board, women bashing other women for eloping or wanting to elope. TK Community Boards are for HELPING EACHOTHER, not bashing eachother.

Sammy0709

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_wow-people-rude-vow-renewal-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:d85d163c-fe17-4174-8c0c-7f2a9ff866fbPost:1d3398f4-6988-4e44-92ca-36560ec673d1">Re: Wow people are rude... Vow renewal questions</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok for all of you who think EVERYONE who elopes gets married for "money and free healthcare," maybe you should look at these: USMC 2011 BAH RATES   USMC 2011 PAY RATES and FYI, that "free healthcare" has twenty some dollars taken out each paycheck for each dependent (but I guess since you're not married to the military yet, you don't know how to read an LES and you weren't informed of this when you signed up at TRICARE). Before all of you go being rude to women on here who have eloped and are planning a vow renewal, you should really think twice about bashing them for "only doing it for money and healthcare." I'm really sick of seeing on this military board, women bashing other women for eloping or wanting to elope. TK Community Boards are for HELPING EACHOTHER, not bashing eachother.
Posted by iluvmy0341[/QUOTE]

We live at a base where a lot of marriages young Marines get into are "contract marriages" with a friend of theirs so they can get extra money while they are deployed.  In fact, a small number of these particular couples just got caught in a less than legal situation.  So excuse me if I'm a bit sceptical about the reasons people get married early before a deployment.

ETA:  The REAL problem is not with the JOP itself.  It is with the lying that people do.  We have been saying that all along and yet this argument still arises. 

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_wow-people-rude-vow-renewal-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:d85d163c-fe17-4174-8c0c-7f2a9ff866fbPost:1d3398f4-6988-4e44-92ca-36560ec673d1">Re: Wow people are rude... Vow renewal questions</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok for all of you who think EVERYONE who elopes gets married for "money and free healthcare," maybe you should look at these: USMC 2011 BAH RATES   USMC 2011 PAY RATES and FYI, that "free healthcare" has twenty some dollars taken out each paycheck for each dependent (but I guess since you're not married to the military yet, you don't know how to read an LES and you weren't informed of this when you signed up at TRICARE). Before all of you go being rude to women on here who have eloped and are planning a vow renewal, you should really think twice about bashing them for "only doing it for money and healthcare." I'm really sick of seeing on this military board, women bashing other women for eloping or wanting to elope. TK Community Boards are for HELPING EACHOTHER, not bashing eachother.
Posted by iluvmy0341[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>First, I am married already.  I know how to read an LES because I'm not imcompetent, but thanks for trying to belittle everyone.  Everyone knows Tricare isn't "free," but $20 a month or whatever the fee is a far cry from the $500 a month some people have to pay for health care through some companies or on their own. </div><div>
</div><div>Everyone on here has said their own opinions, just like you're entitled to yours.  If you have no problem beginning your marriage by lying to all of your family and friends, then IMO you clearly lack morals and don't have any respect for those that you love.  Many of us have said we don't like the JOP followed by a PPD, but as long as you're honest about it, do what you want.  </div><div>
</div><div>If you don't like these boards, feel free to post somewere else.  Yes these boards are to help other brides, by giving advice and insight that they are sometimes too blind to see on their own.  Also many times your family and friends will say what you want to hear to your face, then talk about you behind your back for your plans.  So here you get to hear it straightforward.  Sometimes brides need to know that what they are thinking or planning is considered very rude and can offend your guests.  If you can't understand that, then what you are looking for is a board that just validates your ideas, and you won't find that on the international boards.  Try your local or month boards, or weddingbee.com and weddingwire.com.</div>

mob2689

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_wow-people-rude-vow-renewal-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:d85d163c-fe17-4174-8c0c-7f2a9ff866fbPost:9d01015a-88a7-48ef-8201-ada391298593">Re: Wow people are rude... Vow renewal questions</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wow people are rude... Vow renewal questions : The bolded part doesn't make sense to me.  I can assure you the paperwork that we needed to take care of was the furthest thing from our minds on our wedding day.  <strong>And we got everything taken care of the Monday after the wedding, including getting me enrolled in DEERS and my dependent ID.  We were PCS-ing soon after, so we had more paperwork to take care of then someone not close to a PCS</strong>, and it still wasn't even close to difficult or stressful. Like Calindi and Stan, we could have benefited from doing a JOP earlier, but it was important to us not to.  I broke my wrist and needed surgery a week before my teaching contract was up where I was losing my job and health insurance, and 6 months before the wedding.  Yes it would have been cheaper to just JOP and get covered under his insurance and collect the extra BAH, but that is not why we decided to get married.   I guess I just will never understand the arguments for having a PPD after.  If it's so important to you (general you, not anyone in specific) to have your family and friends see you get "married", why wasn't it important to you when you actually got married?  I can assure you that when I am excited for weddings, it is to see the couple get married, not just to see her in a white dress and watch them dance.  And I feel the same about it when people say it's important that they marry in a church, but it wasn't important enough for the first time around.  
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

Wow! I am just amazed how much has changed in a good way for all of you. I am a bit envious. The computer age has stepped things up and has been so benificial in many many ways!  I was the first to be a military wife in 2 generations and I only could have dreamed about the internet . The support is great on here! I had no one to talk to my folks didn't understand, and I didn't want to talk to other wives on the base about issues honestly this maybe would have saved our marriage.Who knows, but envious I am :)

The DDH and I were married by the JOP because of his deployment, and back then it could take for ever for the "red tape" to go through. My MIL at the time demanded that we had to have a church wedding, whole other issue there and I was not fond of the idea and honestly still have bad vibes about having done it even though the pstor did word things differently because it was a vow renewal but we were out to appeas the family since we would eventually be back home near them at some point.. Renewing vows is a lovely thing but IMO it shouldn't be this big hoopla more of an intimate affair. Now, hiding the fact you had gotten married at the JOP and THEN having a church wedding, Ummmmm NO-No-No-NO, AND NO!  One shot sniper , that's all you get.

kyrgyzstan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_wow-people-rude-vow-renewal-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:d85d163c-fe17-4174-8c0c-7f2a9ff866fbPost:1d3398f4-6988-4e44-92ca-36560ec673d1">Re: Wow people are rude... Vow renewal questions</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok for all of you who think EVERYONE who elopes gets married for "money and free healthcare," maybe you should look at these: USMC 2011 BAH RATES   USMC 2011 PAY RATES and FYI, that "free healthcare" has twenty some dollars taken out each paycheck for each dependent (but I guess since you're not married to the military yet, you don't know how to read an LES and you weren't informed of this when you signed up at TRICARE). Before all of you go being rude to women on here who have eloped and are planning a vow renewal, you should really think twice about bashing them for "only doing it for money and healthcare." I'm really sick of seeing on this military board, women bashing other women for eloping or wanting to elope. TK Community Boards are for HELPING EACHOTHER, not bashing eachother.
Posted by iluvmy0341[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>LOL.</div><div>
</div><div>I have access to FI's LES, his MOL, his Mypay, etc. because I do the finances for the two of us, and I had a special POA and used an LES to rent an apartment when one of my roommates was OCONUS. Another thing you don't have to be married to understand. FI's BAH will go up about two hundred bucks when we get married (which I make in a couple days), so for us $$ is not an incentive. He already rates single BAH and doesn't live in the bricks. It's not like we're, say, getting married because he doesn't like Field Day or something. But I know plenty of Marines (and others) who get married to move out of the barracks, which is something I'll never understand. If I were 18-22, I'd be psyched to live in the barracks, with all my friends instead of driving home to a spouse I had to answer to every day (at that age anyway). BAH for an enlisted E1-E3 is not negligible at the base FI is at. It's almost 2k. That's sadly quite enticing for a lot of kids. </div><div>
</div><div>In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_getting-married-early-order-buy-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:c20f84c1-e55e-4813-9bb2-012de1ab71ecPost:bff17687-6b38-4b08-936d-eca9b8507799">Re: getting married early in order to buy a house</a>:
[QUOTE]We actually were engaged for 2 weeks then married in the courthouse after the USMC Birthday Ball. We didn't do it to buy a house or anything, just seemed like something fun to do at the time :-) Well getting him out of the barracks was def a plus! 
Posted by iluvmy0341[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>In summation, my issue is not with eloping/JOPing and VR, I've got plenty of friends who have done both. It's either with lying about it or doing it for $$/benefits. The lying about it makes me mad, the $$ issue makes me sad. 

</div>

ggirl2001

I'll be honest. FI and briefly entertained doing a JOP and vow renewal after, not for the $ or anything, but because we wanted to be together and that was the only way I would move. He actually suggested it and was pushing for it because he wanted me with him before his deployment. However, we waited  and things worked out wayy for the best for us this way. I have the wedding I want, I just moved down to where he is stationed because I got an awesome job, and have a chance to settle in and get to know the area on my own before he is back from deployment. I'm so thankful that I have family that told me to my face that it was a bad idea and they didn't like it.

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_wow-people-rude-vow-renewal-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:d85d163c-fe17-4174-8c0c-7f2a9ff866fbPost:1d3398f4-6988-4e44-92ca-36560ec673d1">Re: Wow people are rude... Vow renewal questions</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok for all of you who think EVERYONE who elopes gets married for "money and free healthcare," maybe you should look at these: USMC 2011 BAH RATES   USMC 2011 PAY RATES and FYI, that "free healthcare" has twenty some dollars taken out each paycheck for each dependent (but I guess since you're not married to the military yet, you don't know how to read an LES and you weren't informed of this when you signed up at TRICARE). Before all of you go being rude to women on here who have eloped and are planning a vow renewal, you should really think twice about bashing them for "only doing it for money and healthcare." I'm really sick of seeing on this military board, women bashing other women for eloping or wanting to elope. TK Community Boards are for HELPING EACHOTHER, not bashing eachother.
Posted by iluvmy0341[/QUOTE]

Little miss snot, explain to me then why someone would need to get married now rather than wait until the wedding day?  Why this seems to only be an issue in the military world, where brides think it's okay to lie to family and friends and pretend they're not married yet while accepting benefits?  What's the motivation?

I know how to read an LES as my FI and I have gone over what he'll make so we can budget accordingly.   I know exactly how much he'll make when he's AD, and what our monthly budget will be.  But your obnoxious sarcasm is noted.

And I laughed out loud with your whole comment about the 20 dollars.  Sure, of course they charge a nominal amount, but that's about as close to free healthcare as I think exists in this country.  I'd pay $20 on coffee in a week, and right now I'm looking at horrible health insurance for over $300/month.  It sucks.

Learn to read - we don't care about eloping, we care about eloping and lying to everyone. If someone wants to elope, that's their wedding day - that's the day they go from unmarried to married.  You can't redo that, doesn't matter who you ask.  You can pretend to redo it, but you simply can't.  Now, anyone is welcome to have a vow renewal at any point however they want.  So if they want to dress up in a white dress and renew their vows with a big party, cool.  But if someone chooses to elope, they should simply be up front about it and be openly married. Taking real tangible financial benefits from our government while simultaneously pretending you're not married yet so you can still have your Pretty Princess Day is just wrong - there's no shade of gray.  And why do most girls do that?  So their guy can live off base with them, so the military will pay for them to move with their guy, so they can earn separation pay while the guy is deployed. Those all sound like money is involved to me!

Why do I get the feeling this whole conversation happens about once every 3 weeks, with some idiot calling us all beyotches for not going "Of course you should secretly get married and lie to everyone you know!  If you told them that you already got married, your day wouldn't be a thuper thpecial!  Nobody understands what it's like to be a military spouse!  It's so darn hard that we have to get married RIGHT NOW so we can move in together off base on the government's dime, get separation pay while he's deployed to pay for our wedding, have them move my stuff with his."

I told FI yesterday that these types of posts make me scared for him to graduate and go AD and live on base because if I'm surrounded by a bunch of entitled immature snots, I think I might go crazy and beg him to consider switching to the private sector.

Alice and Les

So FI and I are doing something similar to this. Our wedding date was Sept 10 of this year but due to our grandparents being sick (His was given 2 months to live, she has cancer. Mine are just termially ill) we decided what was moving it up another 3 months? Yes it wouldn't be this grand formal thing we had planned but we will have the people who raised us there. That is what is important to us, getting married to each other and having them there.
We are planning on have a formal party or "reception" whatever you want to call it on our year anniversary. I won't be wearing a white wedding dress, just a gown (kind of like the ball) and we will be having it at the same hotel we reserved (don't want to lose our deposit) and I think thats okay.
As long as you let everyone know you are married who cares? Have whatever you want You don't have to go the JOP route though for a quick wedding. FI and I had two plans: we begged the church to perform our wedding and we were going to hire an officiant and invite everyone to the beach or park so they could all still attend and see us marry.
I hope it works out for you and no matter what it will be a special day because you are celebrating it with your H or FH.

Alice and Les

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_wow-people-rude-vow-renewal-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:d85d163c-fe17-4174-8c0c-7f2a9ff866fbPost:fcb3b0be-5572-4dec-a168-1a350387cb2a">Re: Wow people are rude... Vow renewal questions</a>:
[QUOTE]for my future career). But having my marriage begin with a wedding day was important to me, and it was important that we married with no other motivations besides love. So we waited. We'll have been together 3 years when we get married. An eternity in the military, but well worth it.
Posted by WishIcouldbeinthe'stan[/QUOTE]
haha that is so true Wish. FI and I have been together longer almost 4 when we tie the knot in June. In that time span we have see a couple get together, marry, have a baby and divorce. It's amazing how fast Military lives progress.