Before or after deployment?

Lizrah

hey girls im new to posting but not sure what else to do. My fiance and I have been engaged for about a year now and together for 5. Im in law school in ky and he is stationed in ks. He is set to deploy this may and we want to get married before he leaves but wont have the time for a big wedding. we have thought about doing a jop first or eloping, then ceremony when he returns. i have mixed feelings about the jop and then the wedding when he comes home because its not how I/we had it pictured and out family and friends arent really sympathetic. How have you all dealt with this dilemma? Have you regreted having the two seperate events? 

kara811

Many of us have been through this before. Like you, we had discussed doing JOP and a big bash later on, but it wasn't what my heart really wanted. I wanted the whole shabang the first time around. Have you been through a.deployment together.before? If not.I definitely recommend on waiting. Also, time wise, it's more likely for them to get leave after a.deployment.

kara811

Why do you want to.get married.before he leaves?

Lizrah

This is going to be his (and my) first deployment and his is going to be gone for 10 months. We want to do it before he leaves so that i can have access to all the info and such. I have been leaning towards doing the wedding when he returns so that i can focus all my energy on  planning while he is away but i dont want to be left out of the loop while he is gone and truthfully i am terrified something terrible will happen to him and will regret not doing it before. Kara why do you suggest waiting until after deployment? 

Zimsgirl26

I agree on waiting til after. Planning while my FI was gone was a great distraction and I've been able to research more and whatnot and we're under budget

kara811

I recommend waiting since this is your first. A lot can happen in the 10 months he is gone. People change and I have seen relationships crumble because of a deployment. It's best to test out the waters first KNWIM? It could be a make or break situation for a.lot of couples. Also, a deployment shouldn't be the reason for rushing a marriage. Granted.you've been.engaged a year, but if you want the big wedding, why not just wait? I can assure you that you can still have access to all the info you would need when he's gone. There.are.FRGs for this. Lastly, will your love for him change at all whether you get married or not? Its not like you love or care about him any less whether you are.a.FI or wife.

Zimsgirl26

A girl who was engaged to a guy in FI's unit broke up with him after he got home and they moved in together because they just didn't work anymore. There are a few more getting divorced

kyrgyzstan

You can have access to any of his info that he chooses, he can make you the beneficiary of all his life insurance, etc. 

Just wait. Go through a deployment. Planning is such a great distraction. H and I already had our date set for last August when he found out he'd be deploying last fall. We kept our date, and I'm glad we did, but this is not how I wanted to spend my first year of marriage. Not at all. Give yourselves a few months after he gets back, then get married. It'll fly by if you do it after, and it will drag if you do it before. 

aor9487

Like PP said, wait until afterwards and don't worry about having access to his info. He can appoint you access to what you need, even through a power of attorney, if necessary. 

As for deployment, I was the one who got deployed and I can tell you that a deployment changes people. This goes for those who are at home waiting for their loved ones to return, and those that are gone from their family for that long. Waiting to get married will allow you time to adjust to your new selves before making such a big commitment. 

calindi

Like the ladies said, you'll be just fine to plan your wedding for after he gets back.  He can put you on his Life Insurance policy as his beneficiary, so should anything happen you'd be taken care of (just as a spouse would be), and he can make sure you're on the list to be notified if anything happened.  He can also (and should) give you a Power of Attorney, so you can handle all financial matters for him, and you can even have a Medical Power of Attorney which says if he is unable to make medical decisions for himself that you would be the one to make those.  Even marriage won't give you that much control!

Get introduced to some spouses near his base so they can keep you up to date on what they learn at family readiness groups.  To be honest, since you won't be living near his base, you probably wouldn't get much information (married or not) because of OPSEC ("loose lips sink ships").  Families are told face-to-face what information they can get but it can't be shared over the phone or internet usually, so you wouldn't get much living away from his base.

When you say you might regret it if something happened to him, let me first say I get your fear.  Absolutely, 100%.  Let me now say it is extremely unlikely something serious will happen - about as likely as he is to get in a serious car accident any given day in the US.  Now let me say that even if something DID happen, you wouldn't miss him any less if you were married, it wouldn't make it any easier to be married.  You'd have the same feelings, the same grief.  It's not a reason to rush, I promise you.

In the meantime, you can hang out here since these ladies are really good at keeping things in perspective and planning a wedding around the military!

tyleet87

I would suggest waiting as well. Planning is a GREAT distraction when your FI is gone. Mine was in training for 6 months and it really did help me.

iluvmytxrgr

I know I'm late.  Sorry.  I will ditto what the other ladies said. Wait.  If he is in a unit that does not allow SOs access to unit or FRG information, have him get you hooked up with the wife of one of the guys he works with.  That's what we did during the first deployment we were together for. 
Also, like Stan said, he can list you as his beneficiary on any paper work and can also list you to be notified of any casualty.