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Too young?

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Re: Too young?

  • ggirl2001ggirl2001 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I agree with pretty much everyone else on here. It does depend on the person. I must admit, I do side eye anyone that is doing it at a young age and that they have no career goals/life goals for themselves. I could not imagine getting married without my education and my own goals.  I think if you are dependent on your SO too much, then you are not ready to get married. I am with H because I WANT to be with him and I love him. I do not need him for financial reasons, or any other externalistic reason. My mom always gave my sister and I advice to make sure you can take care of yourself before you get married so if God forbid, you need to leave the marriage, you can.

    I took that advice and ran with it. I was able to find a good job while my H was deployed, move down here by myself without him, and support myself until he got back. He also knows I plan on getting my ph.d. which he is completely supportive of.
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  • ZeldakinsZeldakins member
    100 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I see things from a slightly different perspective...the way I was raised and what I was exposed to made me mature much quicker than other kids my age. My parents got married when my mom had just turned 16 and my dad was 25, my dad was the only one that worked and it was all manual labor. They had nothing to call their own but they made it through all the obstacles. That was 20 years ago and they are still happily married to this day with 3 kids, they own two homes, one which they renovated on their own and the other which we all built ourselves. I know from their example that with love, patience, and hard work a young marraige can be successful.
    I'm not saying that I would throw myself into such a situation either, but at 19 I know that he is the one that I want to marry. I've never been afraid of hardships, I know that they are a part of life and that to go into a marriage thinking everything is going to be perfect is silly. We will make many mistakes because we're young, but that doesn't mean that it can't be resolved with some discussion. Many of the divorces that I've witnessed are due to the inability to communicate and compromise. Someone's needs aren't being fulfilled and noone says anything...next thing you know you have a lawyer asking you to sign your divorce papers to finalize the whole thing. BUT I digress...
    Plain and simple there is no exact age ideal for marriage. You just have to know exactly what you are signing up for, even what may seem ugly. (not the best word to use, I know, but it's the truth.)
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Coming from an old lady...

    DH and I were just talking about this a couple of days ago. His youngest got married at 18 (we were NOT happy about that), engaged at 17 and her mom and her FIL's thought it was such a wonderful "God thing" since the kids met at church and were both Christians.  I'm a Christian too, but that has nothing to do with getting engaged at 17, married at 18, and totally blowing off your education.  Whoa...digressing already.  Anyway, that is how we started on the convo.

    This was our short list of when someone is ready to get married (not based on age).

    1.  Has lived on their own and can pay all of their bills with no help from a roommate or mom/dad still paying that pesky cell phone bill/car insurance.  You really need to have that experience and independence before you marry.  Leaving your parents/roommates/etc to move right in with the new hubster (like our DD) does not teach anyone how to exist on their own and be responsible for themselves.

    2. Has an education or skill that would allow them to provide for the family if something happened to their spouse.  This is huge for me.  My mom was a widow at 38 and went from her fathers house to marrying my Dad and the Air Force.  They were typical 1940's Ozzie and Harriet, June and Ward Cleaver types.  When my dad died we had the cleanest house on the block but my mom couldn't even hold down a job at the local dime store.  She blew through his SGLI in 6 months and had nothing to show for it.  She was not able to provide for the family or manage money.

    I have seen a young war widow as well as a set of parents blow through their Soldier's SGLI.  Financial common sense doesn't always come with age.  You can be 21 and frugal or 50 and have no money management skills whatsoever.

    I think the bottom line from our perspective is that you may well have to step up as the sole breadwinner in your family and  you need to have an education/skill set to do that.  You also need to be able to manage life things like bills, savings, maintaining a home, etc.

    Of course there is more to being ready than money management and independence but DH and I both think those are strong starting points.

    FWIW - I lived on my own, paid my own bills, and went to college full time prior to marrying my first husband at age 20.  I had the money/independence part down pat, but didn't make some wise choices in deciding to get married so young and prior to finishing college. 

    Our niece is getting married in a couple of weeks to a young man in the Army.  We are supportive and wish them well, but we are concerned about how young they are and about how much of their relationship has been long distance due to deployment.  Her FI is horrible with money and she is a miser.  She isn't a stronger type of person and he will be leaving for a year (non deployment) a few weeks after their wedding.  I adore her and hope it all works out, but I'm concerned for them.
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  • IrishcurlsIrishcurls member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:fb37728e-af1c-45de-ad89-50e0705b8593Post:95cc7580-bc89-440b-abb7-92fa331c3206">Re: Too young?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with pretty much everyone else on here. It does depend on the person. I must admit, I do side eye anyone that is doing it at a young age and that they have no career goals/life goals for themselves.<strong> I could not imagine getting married without my education and my own goals. </strong> I think if you are dependent on your SO too much, then you are not ready to get married. I am with H because I WANT to be with him and I love him. I do not need him for financial reasons, or any other externalistic reason. My mom always gave my sister and I advice to make sure you can take care of yourself before you get married so if God forbid, you need to leave the marriage, you can. I took that advice and ran with it. I was able to find a good job while my H was deployed, move down here by myself without him, and support myself until he got back. He also knows I plan on getting my ph.d. which he is completely supportive of.
    Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]
    I think this is it for me. I wake up every morning thinking I'm just as smart and hardworking as my FI. Financially, two incomes are great. But would I be just as successful without him? Absolutely. 
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  • SamiJoeBSamiJoeB
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I feel like it has a lot to do with maturity.  I was 22 when I got married, and H was 25.  We initially chose the date that we did so that we would be able to be stationed together.  We knew we were ready to be married to each other so even when I decided to get out instead of doing a career we kept our date.  It's not always rainbows and butterflies,  but we're making it.  We own his car and we'll pay off my car at the end of the year.  We just put our deposit on our apartment.  He plays with the stock market (frankly I find it confusing).  We both are able to get/do the things we need and get some wants and still save a little from every paycheck.  We both know that we are in NO way ready for kids though.  IMHO, You're not ready for marriage when you can't accept that fact the the odds are stacked against you (especially in our lifestyles).  Girls that say "Oh, we'll never get divorced" are usually the first ones to sign the papers.  You have to be realistic, and take the rose colored glasses off..  When you're mature enough to realize this.. you still only MIGHT be ready for marriage.

    And I seriously don't recommend being apart your entire first year of marriage... it's really tough.Foot in mouth
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  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Like Hike said, there are exceptions to the rule. Usually the exceptions are people who you never guess are that young. For example, Kara is completely an exception to my train of thought, because she is ridiculously mature for her age. I'm pretty sure my jaw hit the floor when she first told me her age. I think its most important to be in a place where you have goals, a plan for those goals, and have honest conversations about finances, kids, etc. Most people don't know those things about themselves even until like 24 or so.
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  • LOLwaysLOLways
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Since we're swapping stories about folks we know getting married too young and it working out/not working out, here's a good one I recently heard about a classmate of mine from college...

    Main character: girl, known to have drama issues. I went to some training with her after we graduated, and she did some stupid drunk things there. Being the inveterate gossip that I am, I was telling one of the minisodes of her behavior to her former roommate. The roommate in turn told me about how this girl is now at her current duty station, living with a guy who she has known for less than a month.

    ...And now for the punch line. The guy got married right out of college after graduating with all of us, and wasn't even at his first duty station after training was complete before starting the divorce process. Oh, and awesome main character girl was living with him while he was still legally married. Obviously that dude I went to school with wasn't ready to get married at 22, since that fell apart pretty quickly.

    On that note, I think I should go check facebook to see if main character girl is engaged to this dude yet. Maybe I'll come back with a poll about it.

    The whole situation made me ponder this issue and wonder if FI and I are right to get married at 24/25, as we are. I concluded that we are, although if you asked me before I joined the military how old I planned to be when I got married, I would've said 28-30. At the very least, at 24/25, a fair portion of our friends have already gotten married (at 22/23) and had their first baby... seeing that scenario play out with this many couples sure makes us plan on waiting another 5 years for the baby train to come to town. Yikes.
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  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    All this talk made me have a dream last night where I was engaged to the guy I was dating at 19-20 years old, and I was stressed because I knew I didn't want to marry him and that he wasn't the right person for me (dream-me was a slut and was hooking up with FI on the side) but I didn't want the cost of cancelling a wedding, and I felt like it would look bad to hold the same wedding with a different person (substituting FI for the ex-BF at the alter).  So I sat them both down (ex-BF and FI.  In real life, I'm friendly with ex-BF but haven't really kept in touch with for oh, um, 5 years now... and wonderful sweet FI, who always seems to be a bit of a jerk in my dreams - anyone else have that?).  I tried to convince them that we could hold a sham wedding with ex-BF and just never get actually married, and then FI and I could just keep living together and never get married.  It made sense in my dream.  FI kept telling me he wanted to marry me regardless and we could just keep it secret.  Ha!

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  • Aja FergusonAja Ferguson member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Age should not matter, as many peole have stated! What you feel in your heart, your reasonings as to why your getting married etc. are what should be looked at. I was 22 when I got married, I had already been in the Army for 4 years with one tour to Iraq, a college degree, and do not regret it one bit....Do what you think is right, how you and your love fit each other and remember it is your life! Wink
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  • KendallR10KendallR10 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:fb37728e-af1c-45de-ad89-50e0705b8593Post:316485f8-b84a-4fd0-809c-e343b3e74603">Re: Too young?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Coming from an old lady... DH and I were just talking about this a couple of days ago. His youngest got married at 18 (we were NOT happy about that), engaged at 17 and her mom and her FIL's thought it was such a wonderful "God thing" since the kids met at church and were both Christians.  I'm a Christian too, but that has nothing to do with getting engaged at 17, married at 18, and totally blowing off your education.  Whoa...digressing already.  Anyway, that is how we started on the convo. This was our short list of when someone is ready to get married (not based on age). <strong>1.  Has lived on their own and can pay all of their bills with no help from a roommate or mom/dad still paying that pesky cell phone bill/car insurance.  You really need to have that experience and independence before you marry.  Leaving your parents/roommates/etc to move right in with the new hubster (like our DD) does not teach anyone how to exist on their own and be responsible for themselves.</strong> 2. Has an education or skill that would allow them to provide for the family if something happened to their spouse.  This is huge for me.  My mom was a widow at 38 and went from her fathers house to marrying my Dad and the Air Force.  They were typical 1940's Ozzie and Harriet, June and Ward Cleaver types.  When my dad died we had the cleanest house on the block but my mom couldn't even hold down a job at the local dime store.  She blew through his SGLI in 6 months and had nothing to show for it.  She was not able to provide for the family or manage money. I have seen a young war widow as well as a set of parents blow through their Soldier's SGLI.  Financial common sense doesn't always come with age.  You can be 21 and frugal or 50 and have no money management skills whatsoever. I think the bottom line from our perspective is that you may well have to step up as the sole breadwinner in your family and  you need to have an education/skill set to do that.  You also need to be able to manage life things like bills, savings, maintaining a home, etc. Of course there is more to being ready than money management and independence but DH and I both think those are strong starting points. FWIW - I lived on my own, paid my own bills, and went to college full time prior to marrying my first husband at age 20.  I had the money/independence part down pat, but didn't make some wise choices in deciding to get married so young and prior to finishing college.  Our niece is getting married in a couple of weeks to a young man in the Army.  We are supportive and wish them well, but we are concerned about how young they are and about how much of their relationship has been long distance due to deployment.  Her FI is horrible with money and she is a miser.  She isn't a stronger type of person and he will be leaving for a year (non deployment) a few weeks after their wedding.  I adore her and hope it all works out, but I'm concerned for them.
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    <div>I fail. I can't ever live alone. </div>
    Military Brides December 2011 Siggy. Holiday picture with your SO. We suck and don't have one :/ Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.
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  • LetsHikeTodayLetsHikeToday member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:fb37728e-af1c-45de-ad89-50e0705b8593Post:f7ddda46-9126-4522-9989-2365a21b59c2">Re: Too young?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Too young? : I fail. I can't ever live alone. 
    Posted by KendallR10[/QUOTE]

    Why?
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  • ggirl2001ggirl2001 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I think it has to do so much with not living alone as being able to support yourself. Technically I didn't really live alone. While in college, I lived with my mom. Then I finished up all my schooling, got my "real"job and in order to pay student loans stayed with my mom longer. Then H went to boot camp, my parents got back together, sold our home, and moved in to my Dad's place which had an in law apartment set up that I lived in. I knew at that point that H and I were going to get engaged/married and I was going to move so I didn't see the point in renting a place when I can save the money. It also worked that my parents are gone for 9 months out of the year in Florida anyway so I pretty much had my own place. I saved money for wedding and moving. I then moved down to Beaufort, lived for a few months on my own until H got back from deployment. I was never not able to live away from my parents, but financially it made sense to stay and save money for when I did move and get married.
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  • KendallR10KendallR10 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:fb37728e-af1c-45de-ad89-50e0705b8593Post:c6cf5ff6-188d-457e-b914-8a2b845f4a96">Re: Too young?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Too young? : Why?
    Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]
    I have this horrible fear that I'm going to be living alone and someone is going to break in, I'm going to be kidnapped and no one will notice for weeks. 
    Military Brides December 2011 Siggy. Holiday picture with your SO. We suck and don't have one :/ Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.
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  • LetsHikeTodayLetsHikeToday member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:fb37728e-af1c-45de-ad89-50e0705b8593Post:ff1a8a70-9f48-49b0-8320-b8e927c1ee3f">Re: Too young?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Too young? : I have this horrible fear that I'm going to be living alone and someone is going to break in, I'm going to be kidnapped and no one will notice for weeks. 
    Posted by KendallR10[/QUOTE]

    I get that. I lived alone for a year and refused to watch shows like criminal minds and such. What I meant by living on your (general your) own is without parents or soon to be H. I meant living on your own as being responsible for your half of the rent, etc. And other bills on your own. What will you do when your H is deployed?
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  • KendallR10KendallR10 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:fb37728e-af1c-45de-ad89-50e0705b8593Post:78073a88-f1bb-457a-847a-fd0407992c77">Re: Too young?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Too young? : I get that. I lived alone for a year and refused to watch shows like criminal minds and such. What I meant by living on your (general your) own is without parents or soon to be H. I meant living on your own as being responsible for your half of the rent, etc. And other bills on your own. What will you do when your H is deployed?
    Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]
    Either move home or get a roommate. <div>
    </div><div>I love having a roommate now. And I love having a job that I can pay for my half of things</div>
    Military Brides December 2011 Siggy. Holiday picture with your SO. We suck and don't have one :/ Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.
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