Doing things backwards....

Norway_T

We will actually get married early this spring in Norway to make the paperwork and immigration situation easier on us.  Which makes me very excited as, I really want to get married in Norway (in Norwegian). We will go to a court, with 2 witnesses that's it, no family, no celebration, just a picture and a nice informal winter dress.We will have a  wedding ceremony  and reception in Mexico: December 2010 and pretend like it is the real thing, and yes I am completely ok with pretending....while it might bother others it doesn't bother either of us. We won't get a ring until December 2009. And we won't announce an engagement until after we buy the ring and he 'officially' asks me sometime in January/February.However, I've decided I will go dress shopping with my BMs in December, as it will be most likely the only time I see them before the wedding ceremony. (We get together once a year). Anyway even though what I won't be officially engaged for another 8 months or so but the wedding talking with the boyfriend, excited friends and family is in full force. So boyfriend and I have dedicated two nights a week that we are not allowed to talk wedding stuff.   I feel silly that we have already come to this point and feel like we should focus on the now and not so much the future but the two nights seem to be working well so far.

cantblobubbles

So you're getting engaged in December of this year, getting married after the announcement, then come back here a few months later to get "married" again?

noelle24

Wait.... you're going to be married for more than 6 months and not tell anyone?  As a guest, if I make a big (and costly!) effort to attend your Mexican "wedding" and then found out that it was a sham and you'd been married for 6 months, I'd be piissed off.  I'm not a fan of do-overs, but I do understand that it makes immigration paperwork easier.  But please, don't hide it from your friends and family!  Or do you just want nicer gifts and more people to attend your FAKE wedding?

Malakia02

Living overseas myself, I can understand approaching a wedding with a more flexible mindset.  If you pretend your court marriage never happened, it looks like an engagement in January '09 and a wedding in December '10 which is pretty traditional.  I can see how pretending would look tempting since it this is how couples normally do it and what families and friends expect.  However, wouldn't it just be easier to just tell people your plans?  No secrecy, no anxiety of getting caught that you are already married, no lies revolving around your wedding.  Even if your family and friends grumble about how you are doing things backwards, at least you are honest and do not have anything to pretend about.    

notquiteblushing

I'm sure your family will understand if you just tell them the truth.  Also for God's sake, stop talking about the wedding to your boyfriend as it's obviously driving him crazy.

noelle24

Ditto NQB.  Hell, all the wedding talk and the "Wait, should I buy my ring in Norway? In the U.S. now or in Dec.?  Oh Oh how about Israel?  Should we get married now? Should we have a DW in Mexico?" is driving ME up the wall... I can only imagine it's 10x worse for your BF/FI.

ffmaid

If you ae planning a wedding with botyh of you planning it you are engaged.Congrats!!! Rings is irrelvant. If your BM are not invited to your real wedding please tell them that what you are asking them to do is play a role in your farce before you ask them to have the roles. Because although they might be willing to be bm if it was teh real wedding there are a lot of people who will not be ok with spending hundreds of dollars on being in a farce that makes a mockery of a friends marriage.  Let them know that it is fake and they are not invited to the real one before you ask so they can say no. Be ok with them and anyone else not caring one iota about your farce when it happens because of the mockery of what a marriage is.

notquiteblushing

Cosigned NQB, Esq.

jeanacorina

Well, I'm all for unconventional things... and my BF and I have discussed doing a similar thing. We decided against it because I didn't want a "secret marriage."I'm unclear on something, though-- you say your friends and family are excited already, so have you told them this plan? I like to give posters the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like maybe you're "pretending" along with everyone, not trying to fool them. I don't know, maybe I misunderstood.Also, ladies... I don't like the term "fake wedding." It's so... pleather. Can we please use the term "faux wedding" from now on?I just really like the word "faux..." I think it's the silent x. Intriguing.

noelle24

Hahaha.  I prefer the word "sham" myself, and ffmaid's "farce" is a close second. Faux is just tied too much to the subject of furs for me to associate it with a wedding ;-)

Malakia02

We have a lot of geek girls on here....how about 'simulation'

jeanacorina

I know, but it sounds so fancy!I think it's kind of ironic. Because I'm sure a DW in Mexico will be fancy. But it wouldn't actually be THE wedding.... kind of. I mean, it would be A wedding. Just like faux furs are pretend real furs... and all fancy. Until you look at the label, and you're like "Oh hai, no bunnies died in the making of this coat!"

notquiteblushing

I mean I get it, immigration is probably a nightmare so get married whenever you want.  Just tell people that you are civily married before your DW.

jeanacorina

"Simulation" is good.Or! "Pseudo"Yeah? No? Maybe?

jeanacorina

My BF and I were talking about having a tiny DW in Mexico, and I mentioned that to make things easier, we should go to the JOP in the US a few days. He said then we may as well not have a ceremony and just go on the honeymoon. :(I don't think he got it.Did you know that if you have been divorced less than a year and want to get married in Mexico, you have to take a pregnancy test. If you are pregnant, you CAN NOT get married. No ifs, ands, or buts! I mean, that blows my mind. What if you're trying to marry the baby daddy? Too bad for you.Also, my uncle got married in Bermuda, and his "wife" didn't realize that her name had to be the same on all forms of identification. On her passport, her name was "Tamela," and on her divorce papers her name was written "Tammy."So, when they went to sign the paperwork, the people were like "Umm, this isn't what we needed. You're not really married."So, their marriage really WAS a faux marriage! Which made my uncle very very happy, because that woman was nuts.

jeanacorina

*a few days priorSorry, forgot a word.

notquiteblushing

I did not know what about Mexico but I did just recently find out that in some states you can't get a divorce of you're pregnant.

Acrosthec

I'm in favor of pseudo, mostly because I have wonderful memories of my best friend in HS pronouncing it P-suede-o, and it cracks me up every time.OP, I'm with Jeana.  I like to give the benefit of the doubt.  If you've told your family and friends the truth about what your plans are and they're still excited, that's great.  If you're planning to keep it from them, I think that's just plain deceptive and wrong and you shouldn't do it.  They deserve to know that what they're paying money to go see isn't your actual marriage ceremony.

jeanacorina

Acro, we have so much in common! We could totally be long-lost internet sisters or something.

Acrosthec

I could dig that.  I never had a sister, and my brother...well, by the time I was old enough to want to play with him, he was dating (he's 10.5 years older), so we never really hung out.:)

salt78

[i]We will have a wedding ceremony and reception in Mexico: December 2010 and pretend like it is the real thing, and yes I am completely ok with pretending....while it might bother others it doesn't bother either of us. [/i] Ummm will everyone else be aware that it's not a real wedding? Because it's not a real wedding. You will already be married.

Samara82

I think that legally, you can't have another wedding.  It will have to be a vow renewal.  I think that the ceremony will be different.  Definately go with the truth.  I think that people will understand. 

jennylynnhankins

Sounds complicated. FI and I almost got married before the wedding by JOP to save on insurance costs, and we got flamed by ffmaid and the like. We decided against it, and are actually pretty glad we waited. It's nice to actually be getting married on our "wedding day!"BTW, give your poor FI a break. Get your fill on wedding talk here, but hide the crazy until AFTER you get married.Regarding funky wedding/ marriage laws: In LA: if you get preggers by another man, other than your husband, doesn't matter what DNA says, your husband is the legal father on the birth-certificate. Archaic.

notquiteblushing

In LA: if you get preggers by another man, other than your husband, doesn't matter what DNA says, your husband is the legal father on the birth-certificate. Archaic. We learned about this in law school and it's pretty common from what I remember.  It was done to protect children from having their father claim not to be the father by making every child born to a married woman a "child of the marriage."

redheadfsu

I didn't read though every post, but: What country are you trying to immigrate to? You usually have to have pictures, family interviews, etc. to show it isn't a sham marriage. If you lie to everyone that might make it much harder. Immigration is complicated & try to not make it harder.   Talk to a Attorney, b/f you do a sham wedding.

notquiteblushing

jumping in but norway already lives in norway with her BF and wants to stay there.  I think she's on a school visa now.

redheadfsu

oh ok... I have no clue about Norway's immigration. So maybe a secret marriage won't mess things up.

RomysDannie

umm... why not just have the ceremony after you get the engagement ring. Personally, I think you should just be honest about what you guys did. by the time you have your idea of a wedding, the 'honeymoon' period of the marriage will be pretty much over...well some may disagree with that but still. you will have been married legally for over a year. this is  kind of lame.

anhg80

Grr! I have too much time on my hands.  I don't usually post, but I don't care, this subject always annoys me on the Knot!  I want to let OP know that I would have no problem with a friend of mine doing the same thing.  I have the flexiblity of thought to understand that one wedding is for legal purposes and ther other is for spiritual reasons.  I've actually happily been to several weddings of friends in the military that were held like this - they had gotten legally married earlier for reasons of necessity (NECESSITY folks!) but TOGETHER wanted the big day.  To those of you who don't get it: to this couple, the REAL day is the second marriage day.  No, it's not what you did, but it's what works for this other couple.  My friends who did the legal marriage seperate from the spiritual don't celebrate the anniversay of the legal ceremony - b/c that's just a day they signed a piece of paper to grease the wheels involved legally.In some countries, you actually have to have two ceremonies b/c the country will not mix a legal service with spiritual service.  I wouldn't lie to anyone if they asked about it, but I also don't think it's necessary to advertise this fact (where would you put it? On the invite???)For those of you who would judge a friend for doing this, or who would actually refuse to be a bridesmaid to a close friend because of this: no one wants to be freinds with you.

aggiebug

THANK YOU anhg80!!!  agreed 100%  it kills me that people don't get this. Catholics do this all the time, considering that the Catholic church doesn't accept any marriage outside the church.By law you may be married but that does NOT mean you have had a wedding .  A Wedding is a CELEBRATION of a marriage.I do say that talking to your family about is not a bad thing.  Let them know that you are getting the legal part out of the way to make the celebration less stressful.

lyndausvi

Umm.. I'm Catholic and it had never happned in my fairly large family ever.  you either get married in the church or the JOP, but not both.