Doing things backwards....

Norway_T

Sorry should have made this clear: I am not hiding the fact that we are signing the wedding papers here in Norway, my family and friends already know this....and don't care. If my partners family wants to come I would never exclude them, but we are trying to keep it as informal as possible. My friends could never afford to fly to Norway and appreciate that I am doing the ceremony in Mexico where it will be much cheaper for them regardless of where the papers our signed. Actually no one thinks it's a big deal signing the paper's early except for a few of you on the knot. :)And I don't see what the big deal is about 'where to purchase the ring'. I travel for work, and well we wanted to get the ring sooner rather than later, so though we'd check out the options but we have but settled on waiting until I was in the States in December to be safe.My boyfriend is happy to discuss the planning.  He doesn't want us to go insane from too much planning ahead of time, but we both understand that living abroad requires some time and flexibility. Hence planning early and the no talking about wedding planning a couple nights a week.

Norway_T

Oh and thank you anhg80 and others. I agree that the spiritual and legal can be completely separate.

aggiebug

lyndausv  just because hasn't happened in your family does not mean it doesn't happen.  I have had 2 friends that have had different ceremonies, one outside the church and another one in the church.  did she invited all the same guest to both? no. Their wedding was outside the church,  but her close family came to the church ceremony.  this young lady is just doing opposite, she is legalizing the marriage to reduce the stress of the wedding and moving, but still wants to have a wedding with her closest family and friends around her.  is that really a problem?  

jeanacorina

Norway-- I am SO RELIEVED that you're not keeping it a secret from your peeps.I think that what you're planning is just fine. As long as everyone is aware of how it's going down, I think you should do whatever works for you and have a wonderful JOP & ceremony.Yay for benefit of the doubt!

Acrosthec

I wouldn't lie to anyone if they asked about it, but I also don't think it's necessary to advertise this fact (where would you put it? On the invite???)For the record, I told her I thought it was fine as long as the family and guests knew and were ok with it, and they are.  But yes, if I was afraid that someone wouldn't know and may be upset by it, I would put it on the invite at the bottom that a private legal ceremony had taken place in Norway on {date}.  For those of you who would judge a friend for doing this, or who would actually refuse to be a bridesmaid to a close friend because of this: no one wants to be freinds with you.I would never judge anyone for doing this unless I felt lied to.  As many have stated in this thread and others on the Knot, there are MANY reasons for having two ceremonies/weddings.  As long as your guests don't feel as if they're lied to and they know what's going on, things should be ok.  If anyone here judged the OP, I must've missed it.  It seems everyone was just concerned as to whether she'd told her family, because as guests who will potentially pay $1000+ to attend her wedding in Mexico (which is not the legal marriage--though she and others may see it as the real wedding because it is the religious one, this does not mean everyone will hold these same beliefs), they have a right to know the couple is already legally married.  It appears she has told them exactly what's going on, so there will be no judging from me and likely not from anyone else on the board.  However, telling us that because we were concerned she was hiding it from her family and friends means that we must have no friends I'm sure made you feel better about yourself, so carry on.

noelle24

Ditto Acro. I said that I'm not a huge fan of do-over weddings, but I understand how they are necessary sometimes to make things like immigration easier. It was the use of the word "pretend" that made me (and a lot of others) assume that she was going to hide it from her family and friends. And yes, if I felt lied to, I would be pissed.

Norway_T

Good thing that I'm better at communicating with my bf and friends than I am on the Knot. Sorry for not being very specific on the situation. But it was good to know that some people would be offended we signed the papers earlier and not tell them. For me, it makes no difference.  But seeing that it does to some, I suppose I should make it clear to everyone coming.  Although I am stilling calling it my wedding and doing everything as I would if we had not signed the papers. 

Acrosthec

Tone of voice is HUGE in communicating, and why a lot of people sometimes find it difficult to talk over the internet.FWIW, I hope we didn't bother you too much with trying to figure out what's going on.  I think it's fine to have the DW treated as an actual wedding and do everything as if you hadn't signed the papers.  I just think that for the sake of not ruffling any feathers, it's best to put it out in the open what is actually going on.  Most people may not be offended by it, but some may and I imagine you'll want to avoid upsetting any relationships over this. 

oxerny

I think what you are doing is fine.  My Best Friend had this same situation.  She had planned to not tell anyone that they had gotten married (to start the Green Card process) in the hopes of having the proposal/ceremony/reception after their paper work went through.  Unfortunately, word got out and she was forced to tell her family.  Though she is proud to be married, and extremely happy, she now feels she can't have all the things she wanted.  The way I see it, her first wedding was essentially a business arrangement to make the life they wanted possible.   The "second" ceremony would have been the actual declaring of their devotion to each other.   I do not see it as fake, or phony, or underhanded and I would have been honored to witness it.   

Norway_T

Thanks girls. No I am not offended by any of the comments.  I really enjoy planning thing out through discussing them on the knot. (Well along with my bf). I was just thinking though, that I think we are pretty much common-law married already.I have the right to stay in Norway (their green card) because we are 'samboer' (residential partners) and if something happened to one of us, my pension and savings would be legally his...