Fish in the sea...

Button5807

So this isn't wedding or not engaged (yet) related, but the knotties are very opinionated and I need advice, so here goes nothing...it's long but I promise to post cliff notes.My best friend was a bridesmaid in a wedding at the end of May and ended up making out with the best man. The following week we went on a 9 day cruise so she had no contact with him but talked about him so much I felt like he was there.When we go back they got together (he drove the 3 hours to her palce) and he ended up spending the weekend. *winkwinknudgenude* This continued with her going to visit him or him going to visit her for the rest of June & July. I just met him this passed Friday and wasn't impressed, I didn't say anything though because I wasn't feeling good that night and didn't really get to know him so I figured there was no use saying anything or making any judgments on a not so clear first impression.On Saturday during a casual conversation she asked him what the two of them were (ie: dating, in a relationship, fbuddies). The outcome had to changing her facebook status to in a relationship. Monday night he sent her an email telling her that he'd thought about it and didn't want to be in a relationship right now. She was shocked and took a lot of time composing an email in response that was level headed and rational, questioning the sudden change of heart. We went out this evening for diner and a movie and it was the only thing we talked about...the entire time. When I got home she called me because she'd gotten an email back from him that pretty much said it was over and he was done with her.To say the least, she's crushed. I spent a while with her on the phone and she just kept rehashing everything over and over. I completely understand that this JUST happened and that she's venting right now, but she said "why me?" about a dozen times in a half hour. She's also the kind of person who doesn't let things go easily.So my question is, given how short their "relationship" was, how long should I let her go on before it crosses into ridicules?

Button5807

CLIFF NOTES: My best friend started seeing a guy at the end of May, they became officially "in a relationship" this passed Saturday night and on Monday he changed his mind. She's beside herself. So my question is, given how short their "relationship" was, how long should I let her go on before it crosses into ridicules?

kkchisholm

go to the beach and scope out the lifeguards.

jeanacorina

My friend is doing some crazy crap, too. If I weren't so nice, I'd tell your friend "Okay, a 3-day relationship breakup warrants .25 hours of crying. Done? Good. Pizza?"However, since my friend is also pulling similar crap (for the last YEAR since her marriage fell apart and she moved out.... she's not even legally DIVORCED YET... how does she have so many relationship problems with so many different guys?) and I don't have the heart to tell her she's being a ridiculous whore... well, I guess I can't really give you advice.Earplugs?

Button5807

awww jeana you were such a big help with the "after i get engaged" response that I really expected more from you here ;-)I think I'm just in panic mode because she dated a guy for less than a year four years ago and I still hear about him when she gets drunk and weepy...I guess I feel bad because I've never really been in her shoes (most of my relationships faded out and into a new one right away) and I'm nervous that she'll throw that in my face if I tell her to get over it.

eleven29

It scares me that your friend is this upset about a relationship that was discussed seriously and subsequently ended through email!Also, I your *winkwinknudgeNUDE*. It made me LOL.  Anyone else catch that? No? I'm the only one with the dirty mind? ::hangs head in shame::

Button5807

It scares me too, probably why I came running here.Hehe, either that was a Freudian slip or I like to reward those who read carefully! ;-)

chicka_bonita9

Wow i've never actually had this happen to me or my friends b/c we usually stay in lenghty (6mo+) relationships. But isn't the rule of thumb that u're allowed 2 wallow in venting/ranting/crying 1/2 as long as the lenght of the relationship. I've also heard more than a month but less than 1 1/2 years. For her "relationship" I feel like she should make a fairly quick recovery. If she doesn't don't feel bad to have an honest convo with her & get her to do more proactive stuff that will distract her from thinking about him.

Button5807

Someone's grandma once told me you're allowed one month of serious wallowing for every year you were in the relationship, and then you're allowed to be sad but it's ok for other to tell you that it's time to move on. I've never really been in the position to test that out, but it doesn't strike me as completely insane. The problem is I'm not good enough with division to figure it out for her situation! ;-)

lzimm13

My best friend pulls this shiit too. I don't know why I'm posting I really have no advice. I usually pity her for a while and then I just ignore her til she's done or I change the topic. I try and make suggestions for her to get over it but rarely are they taken. I know I sound cold hearted but thats how it is. I feel your pain

PandaBurr

Ugh. I hate self-pity parties. My "best friend" is constantly throwing herself one. I mean, pretty much every time we talk. I dunno what you should do, but for me, I just agree with her until I get annoyed enough to say "Hey, I've gotta run" or something to that effect. Hopefully your friend won't stay like this for long. I think after two weeks of hearing it, I'd probably flip out on her, haha.

eshee8198

Just a thought, but it sounds to me like she's not really upset about this specific relationship - she's upset about the lack of a relationship in her life. It sounds like she hasn't been involved in anything serious for a least a while, so she probably feels lonely and a little desperate. As a result, she's putting WAY too many hopes into new opportunities ("maybe he's the one and I WON'T be alone for the rest of my life"). Which means that when those relationships end, she's not just mourning the guy, she's rehashing the idea that things are never going to work out for her. My advice would be to try to focus your advice not on the past relationship (I mean, what advice can you really give), but on her outlook towards relationships in general. She may not listen, but at least if you keep your questions and discussions with her about staying positive, not trying to force a relationship, trying new things to meet people, etc. you're probably actually addressing the issues that she has and you can divert conversation away from this single relationship. I don't think she's being ridiculous, I think she sounds depressed.

trevette1981

I don't have any advice, but I totally agree with eshee8198.

Button5807

Eshee, you make a good point. I think I'll take a different approach the next time I talk to her.

twinkie757

I had a friend who acted like this with every guy she came in contact with. It actually lead to some pretty scary behavior. She carved the name of a guy into her side because she was so upset about the break-up. One night she ended up naked in the back of a guy's truck and didn't know where her clothes ended up -she couldn't remember which guy she had been with at the time of their removal. I think what our friends have in common is this weird obsession with guys they date. It's like they begin to envision their entire future with them and when they break-up with them, all of their plans are shot to hell. It really reminds me of some of the crazies we see around here. Give her another day and then just try to get her to come back to reality.

noelle24

Okay, I'm going to be a grammar nazi for a second.  It's "this past Friday night", not "passed".  And the other word you were looking for is ridiculous, not ridicules.  I've seen the first mistake a lot on the boards lately, so it's gotten under my skin.Whew. Okay....pet peeve out of the way.Now for my advice on the topic.  I don't think your friend is being ridiculous....yet.  She's been hooking up with him a lot for 2 months now, and she obviously emotionally jumped into the relationship very quickly.  She's allowed to moan and complain for a while.  Someone else mentioned getting sick of it after 2 weeks, and I think that's a good time frame.  However, there really isn't a hard and fast rule of how long you are "allowed" to mourn a relationship.  Everyone recovers at different rates.  If she's not getting any better after a couple weeks though, I think it's fair for you to sit down with her and ask her what's up.  Why did she have such a strong reaction to a guy she barely knew and a relationship that never got past hooking up?  If she's desperate for a relationship, she'll never find one.  Guys can smell desperate from a mile away.

karenttrouble

Oh give her a brake.  It sucks to get dumped, especially via email!

Button5807

Noelle, be my guest and grammar nazi away. I'm prone to bouts of it myself but that all goes out the window when I'm tired and I certainly was exhausted when I posted this last night. I also apparently need to pay attention to what I select when I use spell checker instead of fixing typos myself. lolI'm not mad at her for being upset today, I understand it. I just know she's the type who is going to drag this out, so I figured I'd get a good idea of how long I should let her go on for (2 weeks does sound good though) and in the mean time figure out how I should approach it.

noelle24

GL.  I think we all have a friend or two like this.  Unfortunately, I don't think you're going to get her to change. Right now I have a friend who is absolutely desperate to have a relationship and feels like her life is incomplete without one.  And yet, she's so damn picky about what kind of guy she'll date, that she never dates! I've tried to tell her to just let things go and be happy with her own life, but she never listens.  If I figure out something that works, I'll let you know.. haha.

jeanacorina

My friend called last night.I pretty much did what Panda said, I agreed with her until I got tired of listening and then said "Okay, well I have to go do xyz so I'll talk to you later!"I hadn't even read Panda's post. lolThe thing is, I love my friend. But she's NOT acting like the person that I know and respect. She's acting BSC. Yes, I have told her that on occasion. I told her she's acting like she's 15, and I knew her when we were 15... and she was more mature then.Now, she's getting involved with this guy who's gotten her into some serious trouble in the past (we're talking police interrogations). She's repeatedly told me she DOES NOT like him at all. They were just fbuddies or whatever for the last 10 months.Her semi-relationship with another guy fizzled (as they all do) and she latched on to this guy, who's always around for a booty call. Now, suddenly, she's trying to seriously date him. They're "getting to know each other."Umm, okay... but this is the jackass that gave me the heebie jeebies when I met him, who you've sworn up and down you didn't like, who cheated on his wife with a girlfriend, and cheated on his girlfriend with my friend. ALL AT ONCE.WHY?!?!?!So, I'm ignoring her "But, look! I'm acting normal! I haven't had any drama for a week!" Yeah, whatever. These days, you're just a walking pile of drama. You're playing with a landmine.I am so tired (after a year) of giving her good, sound advice only to be ignored. And then who does she cry to when it all comes crashing down? "Oh, why me, Jeana? What am I doing wrong? Why can't I find someone like you did?"Uhh, because although I may not have been perfect, I wasn't BSC when I met him? She's probably scaring off any decent guy.I could go on and on, is it obvious?

jeanacorina

Okay-- I guess my advice (from that hella-long post) is DO NOT LET IT CONTINUE FOR A YEAR.Whatever you do. They start sucking you into their misery. I've gone so far as to tell my friend she needs counseling. She agrees, then doesn't follow up. Whatever.

Button5807

Jeana, I think you just might be the personification of my internal monologue.

jeanacorina

Haha, Button! Just sorry I can't provide solid advice.I mean, what are we SUPPOSED to do, once we've worn out sound advice, listening, and changing the subject to more positive things.Dude, I am SO not your security blanket to be cried and snotted all over and dropped on the floor as soon as things look like they're getting rosy again.

Button5807

Jeana maybe we should just record our good advice and when they start in again we can just hit play.Who knows, maybe we could sell those tapes to other girls in our positions so they don't need to keep repeating themselves either. Not a bad way to up the wedding budget.

PandaBurr

What have you done? The best friend I just mentioned got dumped last night. I think she's taking it pretty hard, even though I think he was a douchebag and she can do better.

Button5807

My only plan of action thus far has been point out all the reasons he wasn't right for her. Unfortunately, that tactic only for a while and then she goes back to the "why me".

PandaBurr

My tactic is to remind her how awesome she is and make her feel good about herself. I dunno if it's working though. She just says, "I know...".

lzimm13

Notice that we all have friends in eerily similar situations and we don't know what advice to give them because be have the knowledge/common sense/whatever not to get into them in the first place...there's a reason that we're the ones in a stable relationship.

PandaBurr

Yep. My friend has been engaged three times, and married once. We're the same age.