Heated Debate with Brother....OPINIONS PLEASE!

cath3888

    Hi Everyone!  I got into a very heated debate with my brother (who I am very close to) earlier today about marriage and I wanted to hear your thoughts.Background Info:  I am 21 (begin the sighs) and am finishing up my last year of college.  I am in the process of applying to Law School in the fall and hope to begin Law School next fall.  My BF (who is 24, has a full-time job, and just got his first promotion) and I have been together for 2 years and have a wonderful relationship.  He is my best friend aside from being my BF, we're very close, and we lived together over the summer.  (We aren't living together for this school year for financial reasons.)  BF is a wonderful person, smart, caring, funny, affectionate, hard-working, has a wonderful family that I love, and we get along very well.  I know he's the one and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.  We communicate well, and have had the "when should we get married" talk.  We've agreed to not rush things, but let's just say, it won't be 10 years.  We'll definitely wait until I'm AT LEAST out of college to get engaged and have considered a long engagement.  Although, I'm fairly certain from our conversations that an engagement will happen within the next two years.Fast Forward to Today:  I was talking with my brother (who lives in Italy) and I jokingly told him he needed to move back to the US before I get married so he can help plan the wedding and pick out my dress.  He said "Oh, don't worry, that'll be at least 10 years away."  So we got into a debate about when people should get married.  My brother said that people should wait until they're BOTH financially and professionally established (BF is, I'm not...Law School...ugh) before getting married.  Therefore, I should wait until I'm at least 26 to get married.  I said, if you follow that logic, you could always find a reason to not get married...want to save more money, want a better career, want a fancier house,etc.  I also said that aside from the real reasons to want to get married, there are lots of benefits to being married (financial, social, professional, etc.) which he disagreed with.  He thinks marriage would prevent me from achieving my career goals...To make a very long story short, he said that although he doesn't want to damage our relationship, he would never support (or even attend) my getting married until I'm at LEAST 26 and neither would the rest of my family.  Knowing my family, if he wouldn't support me, neither would they.  What do you think?  Is it crazy to want to get married while in Law School or is he right that I should wait?  What do you think about his refusing to support me?  Any other thoughts?

sapphirebaby926

Personally I'd want to be finished with school first mostly because trying to plan a wedding and going to school at the same time is too much stress for me. I also just think it's generally a good idea to have that behind you before getting married. Do I have a problem with it? It depends on a lot of things - if your 19 and naive or just going to school to get your MRS degree yeah I do, but if you're mature and have really discussed it and weighed the pros and cons of it and decide to get married anyway then I'm a little more agreeable.How exactly would getting married prevent you from establishing a career? I'd really like to hear his arguement on that because I just don't get it.What makes 26 a magical number? If my brother (or other family member or friend) said they wouldn't attend or support my wedding because I wasn't the right age for them I'd say that I would miss them at the wedding.When it comes down to it it's really what you and your bf think is right for you.

tiana531

sorry for butting in, this is my 2 cents, i think that being in school and planning a wedding is hard, however im doing it now ( getting my masters) so it can be done, just depends on what kind of person you are. Second i also agree with PP that if they dont come (which they will) youll have to say sorry. Family tries to put their own opinions on you, but in the end its YOUR life that YOU are living and if your brother thinks that people should get married at 26 and he does that, than that is his life.. My family is italian and is ALL about family and latley we have been having head buts because i am choosing not to fight my brother and sisters battles for them and in the end, im choosing my own life to live and you have to worry about yourself, dont let family get to you, i know its hard BUT youll get used to it when you fight this battle ok sorry for the long post! lol

samurai21

I have a friend (our double dating couple, she's my age and her husband is FI's age) who got engaged when she was a junior in college and they got married the summer before her senior year. It may seem young, but they felt they were ready and had been together a long time (we're both high school sweetheart couples). Needless to say, she still hasn't graduated on time, and now her husband is left being the only breadwinner and supporter of their family. Luckily he has a good job  or they'd be in a rouger spot. FI and I just recently got engaged a few months after I finished my undergrad (no plans yet for a masters, we'll see...) and when we talk to my friends husband, he says he obviously loves his wife, but wishes they had waited. He's just starting his careere and travels alot, but can't relocate permanently because of her finishing school, they have those bills, and if she gets into grad school where he can't transfer he would either have to live apart till he found a new job or quit and move right away. Point is, when you're both beginning or in the early years of your careers, being married can make it more difficult, but doable.He can't tell you what to do, but he can choose to disagree with your choices, so if you can't deal with that then that's your call.  Like with my sister, I will always love her and be there for her, but she knows that I don't like the choices she's made in her life so far, but it's her like so I'm not going to stop her. sorry so ridiculously long!!  

prettynpink81

I understand the age 26 that he threw at you..Only b/c 4 or 5 yrs in Law school Depending on the school..On top of boards. But also the hard work and effort it takes to be in Law School and studying for the boards is on a whole nother lever!! My roommate in college and post grad was a Law Student..I helped .hahah. But I also understand where your coming from. I beleive that if you were to be engaged in 2 years and have a long engagement your looking at or around 26 anyway..But planning a wedding on top of Law School could be tricky, but if you are up for the task and this is what YOU want..then go for it. He is just being protective of your future, which you are very lucky to have Bottom line is: This is your and your future husbands life. Live it the way YOU TWO see fit. Kudos on Law School!!!!

notquiteblushing

While I don't think your brother should pick an arbitrary age having gone through college, working, law school and more working myself I am glad I didn't get married before now as my life was pretty unpredictable for a while.  Yes you can get married before finishing college or law school but do you want to?  Law school admission is tough so you can't always assume you'll get into a school in your desired area.  Also you may start school and realize your dream after-grad job is located in another area.  What is your BF supposed to do this whole time while you're figuring that all out?Yes it can work and I've known couples that have done it.  I've also known couples that have broken up because of the stress.  I think it really depends on your goals, his goals and your relationship.  Good luck.

SassyBrass

I don't necessarily see how getting married stops life from happening. I think if you both have the same goals in mind then your BF will support that whether he's your BF or husband. My FI will still be going to school when we get married, but I don't see how that would change either way. Plus, we'll both be about 26 when we get married if that adds brownie points. I do think it helps to be financially stable to a point. But last time I checked, it doesn't cost a lot to get married; weddings is where the expense comes. The only reason I see a person not finishing school is if they start popping kids out the minute after "I do". And you know, some people STILL get school done. As for the refusal to support you, I think that's a bit unreasonable. I think the most important thing is to have a game plan with your BF. If you finish school and won't have time to work, can he be okay with that? HE'S the person who you'll need support from.

jeanacorina

when we talk to my friends husband, he says he obviously loves his wife, but wishes they had waited. He's just starting his careere and travels alot, but can't relocate permanently because of her finishing school, they have those bills, and if she gets into grad school where he can't transfer he would either have to live apart till he found a new job or quit and move right away. Point is, when you're both beginning or in the early years of your careers, being married can make it more difficult, but doable.Well, that's all really tough, but my FI and I went through some similar stuff last year after he graduated and couldn't find a job. We were flat broke, I was still in school, we were stressed out, and trying to figure out if he should go find a job elsewhere, and what to do about paying two rents if he did. Then there was the option of me transfering to a different college to be with him, but I've already transferred twice, and it's so incredibly complicated.We weren't married. Being married doesn't mean none of those problems have a very serious impact. We knew we were in this for good, and that we'd get married when the time was right for us. So, it wasn't any easier. We kind of thoguht of each other as husband and wife anyway. We just haven't signed the papers yet.I'm *gasp* 26 (I prefer to say "25 for the second time"), and a Junior in college. I expect to graduate in May 2011.We're probably getting married this June.So, according to my experience... this thread is moot. You should get married when it is the right time for you and your BF, whether that's before the magical age of 26 (boy, I can tell you that on my birthday last week I started pooping rainbows, it's so magical!), or after.Marriage won't make your dilemmas easier, but if you're already commited to each other, I just don't think marriage makes those dilemmas much harder, either. It's two people in love with each other, who intend to spend their lives together. Marriage just makes it official, but the same emotions and intentions are already there beforehand.

britab

Different people are mature enough at different ages. DH and I got married at 22...well we're still 22:) We both finished undergrad. degrees in 3. 5 years. He is currently going to law school and I am just starting a full-time teaching position. We also just moved away from everyone we know. Are we perfectly prepared? To some no, to some yes. It's about what's right for you. We look at this as an opportunity to strengthen our relationship. We'll both be busy this year, so it work out well. We also didn't live together before we were married. I don't see the difference of living with someone and planning on staying with them forever and actually being married. So why not make it official?

LarissaAnn

My sister had a bachelors & masters and got married (at age 26) the summer before she started UPenn Vet School. It was FINE and she finished on time... while her husband got a Masters of Library Science at the same time. They're now 32, bought a house, have 2 dogs, a cat, a bearded dragon, a tree frog, and a rabbit. She's a vet at a good hospital and he's a librarian at the NY Public Library. She's pregnant and due in December. Getting married with a bunch of grad school on the horizon did nothing to slow them down. Oh, and I am a lawyer & can tell you vet school is a lot harder than law school was. If she could do it, so can you. Just be careful you don't let your law school work slide... it's easy to do that.

Acrosthec

I agree with the other pp's.  26 is not a magic number.  I'm 27 (will be 28 in October), and while I have a job, I can't find a job in my field in this economy.  So even at almost 28 I'm not what I would call financially stable.  BF and I make ends meet, but we aren't rolling in money bins.  We're both lawyers by the way.  He works for the government, and I work as a clerk because there aren't any openings for actual lawyers anywhere in our town or the surrounding areas, but that's a different gripe for a different thread.I knew a couple people that got married in their third year of law school.  Third year is kind of a joke, and I think that's completely doable.  Married during the first year would be hard; married during the bar exam would be h*ll on Earth.  So it's possible, and I don't think it's crazy as long as you're conscious of what law school entails and plan accordingly.  If you started law school Fall of 2010, and wanted to get married between Spring 2012 and 2013 (before you start studying for the bar exam), I think that's reasonable.  I would encourage you to get married Summer 2012 if you afford it so you'd have a year to get used to being married and any living situations before you had to study for the bar exam.As for your parents or brother not supporting you if you get married before 26, that's ludicrous.  And if they stuck to it, I'd just tell them that I wish they'd change their minds and be there for me, but as it was I would miss their presence.  There's not a whole lot you can do if they want to be stubborn; no sense in putting your life on hold for 2 years so you can get to some magical number they deem as an appropriate one for marriage.When it comes to marriage inhibiting your career goals, I can actually see that argument.  BF has a job here, so I moved here because he can't leave said job.  The economy is so strained right now that one of us having a guaranteed job is about the best we can do.  It's not worth us picking up and moving to a place where we're both at the bottom of the totem pole and therefore first on the chopping block if lay-offs occur.  So yes, my career is on hold right now.  Not to say that I'm not learning a ton as a clerk, but I've been a lawyer for almost a year now and haven't gotten any job opportunities thrown my way in that time, whereas I have friends in larger cities in GA that get job offers consistently.  So yes, in some ways being with him has inhibited my career goals.  But honestly, I'd rather be with him and just work any old job than be a lawyer and be without him, so it only irks me a little bit.

cath3888

Thanks everyone for the advice.  I agree that it's silly to wait for the sole purpose of waiting for an age my family deems appropriate.  My family is always so dramatic.  I feel like I'm a complete outcast because I'm the only one whose love and support isn't contingent upon my agreeing with every aspect of someone's life.  Maybe I should just elope.  Haha.Seriously though, it gets lonely sometimes...being so different.  Kinda depressing...thank God for BF.

GulfCoaster

I got married while in law school, and I know several classmates who also did.  I think getting married during graduate/professional school is different than getting married during undergrad -- even if you don't finish your graduate program, you have at least one degree to fall back on.I don't think that marriage necessarily prevents anyone from achieving their career goals.  Marriage and career don't have to be in opposition.  The key, though, is to talk about career goals with your future spouse to make sure that you're on the same page.  (Where to live, would you move for a job, would one of you follow the other if the other got a good job elsewhere, etc....)And as far as him saying he wouldn't attend the wedding -- that's just crazy.  I've attended several weddings when I didn't exactly think it was a smart idea for the bride and groom to get married, but I went because I cared about them and wanted to show them I cared.

dsouldiva

26 sounds like a sensible age to me, and I would definately wait until you've finished School/college, everything seems very simple and rosy at 21, but you should concentrate on your Law qualification, you don't need the distraction of Wedding planning whilst you are trying to study.2 years may seem like a long time but you've never lived together and/or run your own home, I think you need to be standing on your own two feet before you even consider something as big as marriage. 

chosen175

I wouldn't say that 26 is a magic age, but I will say that I am a LOT different at 26 than I was at 21. And I'm also a lot different at 33 than I was at 26. Perhaps what your brother is getting at is that settling into your career will give you a chance to finish developing who you are, as a woman, as a gf/fi, as a lawyer, etc. Not to say that 21 is immature by any means, but going through certain stresses associated with graduating and establishing yourself can change a person. Just my $.02 and me playing devil's advocate. Is it possible that your brother might have been a little bit taken aback by you telling him he needs to uproot and move back home just to help you plan your wedding? Even if you said it jokingly, he might not have taken it that way. He also might not be comfortable giving his support/blessing if he doesn't know your bf very well. In the end, your brother will feel/act the way he wants and I doubt there's much you can do to change that. Unfortunately, weddings don't always bring out the best in people - I'm finding that out the hard way myself. What matters is what you and your FI think, since you're the one making the decisions.

revived86

I am almost 23 and my fiance is 21...I just graduated college in May and he still has a year left. We are getting married in April 2010. We are fully convinced this is the right thing for us...just because it will be hard at times doesn't mean it's wrong! Going through difficult circumstances in life builds character and teaches us really important lessons- and who better to go through those with than the person you're spending the rest of your life with?? People make comments about how we'll be able to afford it and I really don't understand their point- how much more expensive is it to live as a married person?? Lol. But yes, as far as the original question I agree with a lot of what everyone's said so far- you have to do what is right for you two in this situation.