Crazy FMIL Strikes Again!

jeanacorina

So, many of you know that my FMIL is wacko and hates me. Right?Well, I was volunteering on Saturday, like I usually do, and a woman walks up to me and says "I've been waiting to see you! How are you?" And it took like 3 seconds for me to connect that this was my FI's mom.I haven't seen her since Easter, and her coming to see me at PetSmart in my crazy yellow volunteer t-shirt on a Saturday was certainly unexpected.Well, she wanted to see my ring, and talk about cats (even though she has a dog), and tell me that she invites me over every Sunday but Josh never brings me (there have been several times I've left her house in tears, and I don't think he wanted to put me through it again), and that she really hopes to see me next week because she wants to get portabella mushrooms to grill for me and she is just so happy for Josh and I.My head asplode.Josh tells her every week that he's just too tired to make the 45 minute drive to her house. He is kinda lazy, but he's also afraid she won't play nice and I'll get my feelings hurt.I have recently been willing to go over, but he's still gun shy.Also a little tidbit-- when he called to tell his parents we were engaged, his dad congratulated him but his mom was taking a nap and couldn't be disturbed. She called him back two DAYS later, and when he told her the news, she got all offended and said "Well, I thought you were going to wait longer." She didn't congratulate him or say she was happy for him, even though she knew he bought the ring. It's not like it was out of the blue! She just started talking about how she expected him to take his time (5 years isn't long enough?) and that she was starting to get the flu (she magically gets sick when she's unhappy).He was pretty upset about that. I think he still is.But now, two weeks later, she's visiting me randomly and talking to me like we're best friends. It's weird. I mean, I admit, I am slow to anger but I do hold grudges. It's going to be hard for me to really believe she's 100% over everything suddenly.Some folks have said it's because now we're making things legal and we won't be living in sin. Even Josh said that. And I'm like..... but we're not married, just engaged! His mom seems to believe that it's "less of a sin" to live together when you're engaged than when you're not.What the crap ever. I give up. White flag. Crazy MIL, here I come.

MustangSally67

Wow. Do you think she is genuinley trying to make an effort? Or just trying to look like the bigger person? Is she really turning over a new lead so to speak, or it is a fake effort?

cath3888

If I were you, I'd only half white-flag.  My experience in dealing with an INSANE family (Mom has a borderline personality disorder, Dad is on his 3rd marriage to my grandmother's housekeeper, and that's just the icing on the cake!) is that you MUST ALWAYS have a readily available escape route.  Rather than agreeing to go over for a whole afternoon, just say, "Ok, we can stop by for lunch, but we won't be able to stay too long because we've got (insert lie) to do right after."  This way, if she's acking like a nutcase, you'll be out in an hour or two MAX.  If she behaves, maybe you can stay longer next time.  Seriously, sometimes it's best to self protect until you're sure they won't rip you to shreds.  Trust me.

MamaKin

it sounds like things started out rough, but your most recent interaction sounds fairly pleasant. instead of stressing out over previous drama, why not just take it and run with it? waving the white flag now? why not be open to having a good relationship with her? it kinds like you've already given up on that. forever is a long time to have to interact with someone, i'd probably accept the olive branch and make nicey-nice.

jeanacorina

MamaKin, I would normally agree whole-heartedly, but this lady has said some very awful things (before she even met me) and has made me feel beyond unwelcome every time I have seen her. Accepting the olive branch is easier said than done when it has appeared like she was ready to accept me before only to be mean the next time I saw her.I want to have a good relationship with her, but blindly thinking it's all better can lead to big disappointments when she decides she hates my hair color or that I said her "house" instead of her "home," which is apparently a big deal.The white flag is just saying I give up, not on the relationship, but on any of it making sense. If FI's mom is crazy, she's just crazy. I'm not going to try making sense of her.And FI and I ALWAYS have a previously agreed-upon time of exit before we go over there. It makes things easier when it gets awkward.

smiling_tiger04

Good luck with everything Jeana. I think she (finally) be figuring out that you aren't going anywhere and that she should just accept you. Hopefully she is honestly trying to be nice and not have some alterior (sp?) motive for this. And she's actually going to cook for you? Hopefully she doesn't make you bring your own pots so your food doesn't "contaminate" her precious cookware lolAll sarcasm aside, I hope everything goes all right and this starts a new leaf for the two of you. Good luck and keep us posted how it turns out.

**Mutley**

Back away from the crazy, slowly...slowly.  It does sound as if she may come around now that she KNOWS you aren't going anywhere.  Proceed with optimistic caution.    I feel sorry for FI.  He is the one with the crazy FMIL.  I love my mom, but after her recent stunt I very strongly dislike her.  Apparently, our entire wedding is only meant to hurt her.  Also, according to her, I care more about my FMIL than her.  She is throwing a temper tantrum by not coming to my bridal shower.     

SassyBrass

Mutley- Are you serious? You know, for older "mature" adults, some moms or MIL's can get really out of hand.The other day, I was telling my mom "*name* sent us a bunch of emails about Jamaica". She sounded sorta offended... I had forgotten my FMIL and my travel agent have the same name. I actually had to do a little repair. "No, not FMIL, the travel agent!"Now Jeana, I gotta say I can't blame you for just wanting to give up with this woman. Unfortunately you are going to be dealing with her for a long time. But if I were you, just see how the time progresses. If she wants to be a baby, it's not stopping your FI from wanting to spend his life with you. Hopefully you can patch things up, but if not, it seems like you have a good system of time limits spent with this woman.

pinkpinot

Off topic: what type of volunteer work do you do at PetSmart?Good luck with everything! Maybe you could have a glass or two of wine before lunch?

notquiteblushing

Aww I thought you said you were going to go over there when she offered to make you a veggie dinner?  That was like a month ago and now she has taken to stalking you at Pet Smart?  Put this crazy woman out of her misery Jeanna and go to one of her dinners!  (But if it results in her going all BSC again I apologize in advance.)

Acrosthec

I like Mutley's proceed with optimistic caution.  I would go over for dinner with your regularly planned escape in case you need it.  Hopefully she really is trying to make nice this time since she knows you're going to be around forever, but knowing your past history with her, I wouldn't be surprised if being nice to you was some sort of manipulative tactic to get her something eventually.

TheFutureMrsM-LoungingBeachside

I agree on proceed with optimistic caution. My FMIL is ill. She is just starting to be semi-nice to me now that we are engaged. Our deal is that we are always willing to see her when we are in his hometown (but do not allow her to dominate the trip because we have other family to visit) but we always make plans with other family or friends for a few hours after. As PP put it, thats our escape route. If you do this, preferrably make plans she will NOT want to participate in. We always make plans with her ex-H because when we have made them with FI's friends she has tried to invite herself along to the bar.

PandaBurr

Maybe she FINALLY realized that you're not going anywhere, and that she's only hurting her relationship with her son.... but that's me being optimistic about the whole thing. I guess all I can say is good luck, haha. But hey,you're engaged, so SQUEE, and poo on her.

dreamingblue

Jeana, good luck with this situation. I would definitely say to proceed with caution, like most other posters have said.Keep us posted though. I don't know the backstory, being a newbie here, but it sounds like you have reason to be wary.JS

sapphirebaby926

I have to agree with pp's Jeana - proceed with caution.Perhaps since you two made it official she is trying to be a better person towards you since she has to deal with you definitely not going away now. Good luck!

nightmare_of_beauty

I'm about to leave work, so I can't introduce myself. Short and sweet, I'm Marissa hi how are ya, I'm a lurker.Just wanted to tell you the day after FI proposed, we called FMIL's house and cell phone...then drove over to her house looking for her to tell. She was no where to be found, so we went to FFIL's house to tell him. She calls later and we come over to a bbq to tell her. She wasn't too excited, FI says "dad was more excited then you" (they're divorced, I'm sure you assumed that already lol) and FMIL screams "you told your father before you told me!"

jeanacorina

NQB-- I've been willing to go, but FI won't take me. He doesn't go, either. I think he's just really afraid she'll do or say something rude and offensive, and I'll end up crying on the ride home again. It's happened before. She's all sweet and nice and invites us over, then we get there and she has a "headache" or something, and snaps at everybody, insults my FI, and completely ignores me unless she's asking uncomfortable questions and looking down her nose at me.Then the next time she talks to FI, she'll make all these negative assumptions about me based on things that aren't true or things I didn't even consider to be a big deal. She just picks me apart and then would find bad things to say to FI. It was a really, really bad first impression(s)-- before I even knew her at all, she got her nephew (who is a police officer or something) to check my background or whatever, and she thought I was on the high school wrestling team... and used THAT as an insult to FI. I was a stat-keeper.I don't even get what business it is of hers!I know, I'm harboring some hurt feelings from 3 and 4 years ago...... but if she had just chilled out and accepted me when I moved here, I'd be over all that. Instead, she's been like a time bomb. I never know when she's going to go off, and I never know when something simple like a tupperware dish or a grilled cheese sandwich is going to offend her.Not to mention that after a perfectly normal Christmas Eve, she called FI and told him that she'd be uncomfortable if I cam over on Christmas Day, because they'd all be opening presents and she only got me one. I don't even care about the presents, my family is in another freaking state! Who does that to someone on Christmas? FI took the gifts we brought them and dropped them off, then came home to be with me. Because being alone on Christmas is just not right. I still can't believe she did that, when his dad told me he was looking forward to seeing me, and his brother and sister didn't care one way or another.Sorry for the long rant.... I am just so upset by her. Not so much angry, and not unwilling to try to get along. I just really have a hard time trusting that she's really over it all of a sudden and that I'm the daughter in law she's always dreamed of. She's been so dang mean... and I didn't do anything but fall in love with her son.Blah. Not everything can be perfect.PinkPinot-- I volunteer with an animal rescue, and we have adoption day every Saturday at PetSmart.

**Mutley**

Jeana,You have every right to be upset with her and to not trust her.  Sadly, I doubt she will ever come right out and say that she is sorry.  Hopefully, she is able to show it through her actions in the future.  I am wishing you the very best.  She is the one who will be losing out if she doesn't change her ways for good. 

pinkpinot

I can't believe she did that on Christmas! Did your FI have any previous girlfriends that she treated like that? I'm just curious because maybe it's her and not you.  She seems like one of those overbearing mothers that have the nobody-is-good-enough-for-my-son attitude.

jeanacorina

FI never had any previous girlfriends. There were a couple of girls that were interested in him (according to his sister, half the girls at his high school), and one that he was interested in, but he never had a serious relationship before me.Seems kind of crazy, since I think he's fantastic. But, he is incredibly standoffish at first. I am just persistent. So, it worked out. :)I couldn't believe she did that on Christmas, either. It's my favorite holiday, and one that I'm used to spending with my huge family with dozens of cousins and kids and just everybody. It's a big deal to me, and she just blew me off like I was nobody.... just an inconvenience that would make her holiday "awkward."I cried so much when FI told me that, then he wished he hadn't told me, then he just decided to drop off their gifts, let them know it was all from BOTH of us, and then come home to me.His mom apparently felt bad (especially considering his dad asked why I wasn't with him) and called me a couple of days later to thank me for the presents and to say she wished I could have been there.I just about died. So, we didn't go back until Easter. Easter wasn't bad, I guess she did feel bad.I should probably let this all go and let her try to make things up to me... because I guess that's what she's trying to do... and I'm not against it. I just kinda feel like I need therapy. LOL.His mom will definitely be a subject for premarital counseling, and we probably both need individual counseling because of her. I'm laughing at that because it's true. :POh, funny, funny life. Give me this awesome guy but make his mom a manipulating, passive-aggressive psycho.

notquiteblushing

I remember the Xmas story.  Really sucky.  Wasn't Easter when she said you couldn't make your chickpea salad because she didn't want another dish to clean?  Clearly she's a biitch but she's a biitch who seems to be trying to atone so I'd give her a chance one of these days otherwise you'll be hearing how she's invited you all these times and how rude YOU are for not showing up.  Good luck.

jeanacorina

No no, that was during hurricane Gustav.And yeah, I agree that I need to go over. I think FI is finally ready as well. I certainly wasn't going to go without him, and until now he just hasn't been willing to go.I guess that means we're going this Sunday. I'm nervous. O_O

notquiteblushing

Wow so she wanted you to go hungry during a hurricane?  Yowser.  I would just try to be polite and get through it with the aforementioned escape plan in place after two hours.

oceana919

Awwww, Jeanna, I'm sorry to hear your FMIL is so BSC. Makes me incredibly thankful that I have a very sweet FMIL. I can always share mine with you. ps. How did this weekend go? Hopefully no drama...