Potential bridesmaid issue

jeanacorina

My cat is sitting at my feet staring at me in earnest. I think what he is trying to say to me (through psychic communication) is that if the OP is not ready to say she is engaged, then she should simply not be planning a wedding. Internet people should not be telling her congrats.... because one of these days some BSC poster is going to have a lightbulb flash over her head and say "OH! I am? GREAT!"And she will rush off to tell her BF that they're already engaged and what does he think about April 10th for a wedding?Then the poor girl's BF will run away screaming "LUNATIC! STAY BACK!" and she will be left to wonder why oh why he ran, considering internet people know everything.The end.Somebody please MUD that scenario. On, like, a Monday. So we have all week to enjoy it.

jeanacorina

ffmaid, if I am going to threaten somebody, I do try to at least be funny about it.

ffmaid

Yes I understand your worry. And I think some BSC wannabe brides might react that way. But she said that They were planning the wedding and that they had a list of vendors and a dates ect. this implies to be that he is involved in the process and in the planning as well. Either way it putting cart before horse

TiaM32

I think jeana, ffmaid, and noelle are all correct.  You don't need a ring to be engaged, but you do need to have mutually agreed to get married.  I don't think OP has stated if they have an agreement or not.I agree 100% with jeana's statment:Don't do any more "planning" other than flipping through a magazine while checking out at the grocery store and bookmarking some ideas from web pages. That's about as far as you should be going if you do not consider yourself engaged.And I agree with ffmaid and noelle:So OP is weird because they are either: 1) essentially engaged and planning a wedding but not acknowledging that they are engaged because she wants a good proposal story or 2) they are planning a wedding without being engaged.Neither of the above are good scenarios.  Although I don't really get wanting a good proposal story.  At this point of planning, having a date, etc....well, isn't a proposal anticlimatic at this point?  And potential unnecessary if they have a mutual agreement to marry?I've never understood pre-planning before being engaged.  Maybe it's because I had no idea my proposal was coming.  I don't know.  Regardless, if you don't consider yourself engaged, don't go around telling people you're planning your wedding unless you are ok with them potentially thinking you are BSC.

noelle24

I think what he is trying to say to me (through psychic communication) is that if the OP is not ready to say she is engaged, then she should simply not be planning a wedding. I could not agree with you more.Internet people should not be telling her congrats.... because one of these days some BSC poster is going to have a lightbulb flash over her head and say "OH! I am? GREAT!"But think of the entertainment value ;-) Honestly, though, I think that if anyone took those types of comments that seriously, they really *are* a lunatic and their BF/FI would end up running for the hills sooner or later. At most, I think they might ask their BF/FI whether they are engaged because they are planning the wedding and whether they should slow down a bit or not. 

Goldlie11

I found myself in a situation similar to yours. I was planning things with my BF before I was officially engaged. I even posted about it a couple of weeks ago. After I posted about it, I realized how uncomfortable I was with what we were doing. BF and I went out to dinner this weekend and I told him that I refused to plan anymore. I also don't want to rush things, so I decided to push the wedding back. We'll set an official date once we get engaged. However, we're looking at summer of 2011 instead of this up coming summer. Since I'm a teacher, it will be easier for us to get married in the summer. Pushing back the wedding will also give me more time to lose weight. There's a strong possibility that I'll either be at my goal weight or very close to by the time we are married. As soon as I told BF about how uncomfortable I was feeling and that I wanted to push back the wedding, it truly felt like a weight off of my shoulders. Sorry for the novel, I'm usually much more succinct in my writing.

jeanacorina

Three cheers for Goldie!That's the way to do it! Say "I ain't plannin' nothin' until I have a ring on this here finger... so THERE."Good for you. That's the definition of NOT BSC.

Acrosthec

Goldie, I definitely feel your pain on the "these are the best times of the year to get engaged" and our chosen time is somewhat rapidly approaching.  If BF does not follow through with what he says by the end of this month, I will also be pushing our wedding back.  It's not ideal, but sometimes ideal and necessary are two different things.

Goldlie11

Thanks, Jeana. We hadn't taken it too far. We looked at venues online and that is pretty much it. Although I'm definitely an over-planner/ over-thinker, I like to think of myself as pretty sane

Goldlie11

Acro, I totally understand how you are feeling. I'm not sure if men understand how fast things book up and how long dresses take to get. Whatever you choose to do, I hope it works out well for you P.S. your dress is beautiful.

LuckyLibbyB

Thank you everyone for your comments. As I stated in my OP, we have yet to meet with vendors, so no, we have not put any money down as of yet. Just the fact that we are talking about how we want things to go and which vendors we want she thinks is weird. He has yet to ask my father for permission, which to me doesnt matter because my father is very overprotective and will say no regardless of the fact that he believes my bf is the son he never had. But to him, it is very important that he does this. I understand that if we were actually meeting with vendors and such why she would see it as weird. However, I suspect that it might not just be because of the planning. My bf is ten years older then me, which is not even a problem for my family, but seems to be a problem for her. She has been vocal about how weird it is that hes not with someone his own age. I am 22, he is 32, and she is 28. Could it be that she might be jealous or is that reading too much into it?

Acrosthec

Knowing the age difference, I would say she's probably concerned for your well being. The age gap may not be an issue for you or your families, but a lot of people will see it as strange and something to be concerned about, seeing as how he graduated college (or was of that age) when you were in middle school. Age gaps get better as the younger person gets older, but at 22 and 32, it's going to seem strange to the majority of people.

Goldlie11

I don't think that we can tell you if your friend is jealous. As far as the planning goes, just wait until you are engaged and then you can share with all of your friends. Best of luck to you.

LuckyLibbyB

And as far as not referring to us as "engaged", I choose not to out of respect for my mother, who knows he is going to ask my father and when, but is having a hard time with idea. She loves him, just like my father does, but I am an only child. I have also asked him if he is at all uncomfortable with looking at things and hes not at all. I, too, suggested moving the date back until we are "engaged" but he says he doesnt see the need. And I have only told my friend, my roommate, and my mother that we are looking at things.

LuckyLibbyB

Thank you Acro and Goldlie. I didnt really think she was jealous but I just wanted another opinion.

TheFutureMrsM-LoungingBeachside

"She has been vocal about how weird it is that hes not with someone his own age. I am 22, he is 32, and she is 28. Could it be that she might be jealous or is that reading too much into it?" I also cannot tell you if she is jealous or not....but given the additional info about the age gap I would also be concerned as a friend. I also think its interesting that you state your father will decline to give his permission or blessing because he is so "overprotective". Do you think maybe he has another reason?

LuckyLibbyB

Actually, I dont know for sure he will decline, but knowing him, it is going to take a while for him to warm up to the idea. And before my bf and i ever even thought about marriage seriously (meaning not joking around about it), he would always say, When you and him get married... or For your guys' wedding... So no, I dont think it is for any other reason.

ffmaid

I think you need to stop and realize that your friend is right to be concerned. You are jumping the gun. You are planning a wedding to a man you are not engaged to when you know your family will object. Also although 72 and 78 is not a huge age difference22 to 28 is people change a ton between 22-25 ish. It is borderline creepy for a 26 or 27 year old to be going after a 20 or 21 year old. I woudl worry about a friend in your shoes to that maybe you never had a relationship of two adults. Ect. I think that wide an age difference that young is a red flag. Maybe it is not a red flag but if one of your best friends and yoru dad are both concerned maybe you should tale a clear look and ask yourself if this was my friend not me how would I view things. I bet your view of yourself and of him with undergo some huge shifts in the next few years and that is better done while dating then married. Wait stop planning the wedding and instead simply date and get to know one another better and see what happens.

salt78

[i]given the additional info about the age gap I would also be concerned as a friend. I also think its interesting that you state your father will decline to give his permission or blessing because he is so "overprotective". Do you think maybe he has another reason? [/i] Very well put. As in perhaps his reasoning is that he think it's weird that you are only 22 and marrying someone 10 years your senior. Because I think that's incredibly weird. How long have you been together?

**Mutley**

As a friend, my worry would be that he may be part of the cab theory from SATC. I think that your best friend is concerned for you. You are only 22 and dating someone 10 years older. I cannot imagine that the two of you are at equal points in your lives. There is a huge jump from 22 to even 25,let alone 32, in terms of maturity. Did I miss where you stated how long you have been dating? Bluntness = if you are so concerned with how your friend feels, or how your dad feels, or how anyone else feels besides you and your bf, then you are NOT ready to get married.

TiaM32

I agree with Mutley.  While age differences can work, I, as your friend, would be concerned why a 32 year old is with a 22 year old.  You're in totally difference places in your lives.  Her SATC cab theory makes sense.  I'm not saying he doesn't care for/love you, but it would raise a flag with me if it were my friend.  Your friend being 28 while you are 22 makes me think she probably has more insight and wisdom about relationships because of her age, so I'd be more inclined to think her concerns might be valid.While I can't say for certain, I highly doubt she is super jealous of you.  She may be a little jealous that you are younger and quasi-engaged, but not everyone fixates on getting engaged and married.  I'd be more worried about her concerns than if she is jealous.I also would like to know how long you have been dating.  Remember, there is nothing wrong with waiting a little longer to be engaged or having a long engagement.  Finish school (which you probably have done or are about to do), be on your own, and get your first "real" job after school.  The few years after college are important, and looking back, I am very glad now that we waited to get engaged until after we were established in our careers.I, for one, don't understand why people want to get married so young.  If he is the right person for you, he should still be there in a few years, right?

LuckyLibbyB

We have been dating for a year. And its not so much that I care what other people think. I have always cared about my parents opinions and I dont think that is a bad thing. I will be graduating this spring. I already have a job lined up. And the date we were thinking about was in June 2011. And while people may think its "creepy" or "gross" that we are ten years apart, everyone we know, with the exception of this one friend, think that we are good for each other. And we ARE good for each other.

ffmaid

Ok first you do not know you are getting married next spring as you are not enagegd. Wait until you are engaged to plan anything as until you are engaged it is no different then a 6 year old playing make believe Second if he is good for you he will be good for you after you graduate and are engaged

PandaBurr

stargazertechie, anyone?

salt78

That's exactly who I was thinking of, Panda.

Acrosthec

Panda you're back!  I feel like I haven't seen you 'round these parts in ages.  But maybe I just haven't been observant.Regardless, hope you're well!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I'm in the exact same situation you are, but I DO consider myself to be engaged, and so does he. He just wants to do a surprise proposal thingy in the next 2-3 months. But we've been planning already. I wanted to tell my mom in person when she visited, and go dress shopping with her. We have our venues booked. We are 100% committed to moving forward with planning, and will tell people we are engaged. I picked out my ring in person. It's in his underwear drawer. I sometimes go try it on because he told me I could. ;-) So what if it's not traditional? If YOU keep telling people, "Oh, we aren't REALLY engaged" then yes, they will think it's weird.

PandaBurr

Thanks, Acro!I've been really busy, but I've been lurking here and there. How'd your wedding band turn out?

Acrosthec

Heh, I finally got the rings back. We're going to wait a bit before we get the band actually made, but we have an appointment to get the engagement ring appraised in a couple of weeks, so we might take it with us then so they can see it and give us an estimate. We are, obviously, using a different jeweler than the one who held my rings hostage for so long with no reasoning.

schuette2

I usually just lurk, but thought I'd give my 2 cents this time. FI and I had the same issue up until about 15 days ago. I didn't ask my girls until a few days ago, he's still waiting to ask his guys. We planned a little before getting married (bought centerpieces and things), so we don't have as much to do now except the big things, but we only told certain members of my family. Now his family knows, and the only two that are putting more worry than excitement on all this are his mom and his sister (one of my BM's). FMIL actually said to put off the wedding for as long as possible so we can finish school, but since the date is set, and we'll both be done in May, wedding in October, we're not taking that advice. His sister is a whole 'nother story....Long story short, don't worry about what the bridesmaid says or thinks. It's your wedding, the proposal is coming soon (right?), and she can bite it. (Mature, I know.)