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Not Engaged, but planning!

madamezmadamez member
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in Not Engaged Yet
Hey guys :)

My name's Hannah, and although my boyfriend and I aren't officially engaged just yet, we are officially saving/planning :D Neither of us believe in long engagements, and as we won't be able to get married for a couple of years, we're waiting til I graduate (next year, argh!) til we make things official :D

Plus, I like to be super organised and we both figure that if we start planning, it'll make the actual official preparations all that more easy!

Anyone else been in a similar situation?
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Re: Not Engaged, but planning!

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    sapphirebaby926sapphirebaby926
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-but-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1a9ed8b6-cbc8-48db-a027-a0620dfbd143Post:0f75b2d2-60b7-440a-a35e-0abfaf8862cf">Not Engaged, but planning!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hey guys :) My name's Hannah, and although my boyfriend and I aren't officially engaged just yet, we are officially saving/planning :D Neither of us believe in long engagements, and as we won't be able to get married for a couple of years, we're waiting til I graduate (next year, argh!) til we make things official :D Plus, I like to be super organised and we both figure that if we start planning, it'll make the actual official preparations all that more easy! Anyone else been in a similar situation?
    Posted by madamez[/QUOTE]

    Nope, DH and I waited until we were engaged before we started planning. I did some preliminary research on things that I liked but it was half-hearted at best. I know you don't like (yes like, because believe it or not they do exist) long engagements but what's the differenece really? From the time you get engaged to the time you get married is when you plan a wedding so if you're really doing all the planning then essentially you are engaged.
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    vsgalvsgal member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    That just seems bizarre to me.  The amount of energy that you will spend planning a day that may or may not happend soon would be better spent on finishing school.

    Honestly, most vendors will not talk to you or take you seriously until you are engaged and about a year out.  Not to mention, that a lot of things can change in a couple of years concerning tastes, likes, dislikes, etc.   I would wait until you are officially engaged, otherwise it is weird.  Trust me, you do not want to be that girl.
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    Ana_2985Ana_2985 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    No.  FI and I also did not start planning before we were engaged.  Actually we are engaged and we still haven't done much planning because our engagement will be a year and a half long.  Believe it.

    I also don't understand why you don't like long engagements but you are okay with planning a wedding "a couple of years" before the wedding actually happens.  What's the difference?

    IMO, you should wait.  I'm also very organized, but ask any of the ladies who are planning their weddings now and they'll tell you it's stressful and exhausting and not nearly as fun as you think it will be now.  You will most likely get tired of it after awhile.  Why spoil the excitement?  Why not wait until you are engaged?  Just enjoy dating for now.
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    saisongbirdsaisongbird
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    We talked about things and I had fallen in love with a venue, but I didn't do anything other than that.  Never made any calls.  Wait until you're engaged.  You won't be taken seriously when you have to go in for appointments.
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    Noordinarylove17Noordinarylove17 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am in a similiar situation. I have started to look for venues and basically am planning an outline of what I would like to have for my wedding. My boyfriend and I have looked at rings, picked some out and he will whenever he wants and well has some money saved up, buy the ring and then propose. Probably by the end of summer or fall. We don't plan on looking or booking any venues and other things till we're engaged though. :)
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    jgcohnjgcohn member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'll admit that I have looked things up online, but not in a serious planning kind of way.  I'm waiting to discuss details and plan until after the bf proposes.  IMO that just makes more sense...
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    madamezmadamez member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Oh dear, maybe my wording is very sloppy!!!

    When I say planning, I don't mean actively planning, like looking seriously at venues and such :p I mean, picking out colours, thinking about a generic budget, thinking about the type of thing we want, doing research into different aspects of it... does that make more sense??

    I guess we both see the engagement as a sort of... we're getting married soon sort of thing... Like, we don't want to get officially engaged until we can actually start making preparations...

    I don't seem to be able to express what I mean too well!
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    tafft1tafft1 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    FI and I got engaged in November 2009 because we did want a long engagement - and here it is almost mid April and about a year from our wedding date and we are already goign where did the time go..? Nothing wrong with getting a feel of what you both want out of it - but don't forget the wedding is one day - the marriage is for a lifetime ( hopefully). Actively planning is much different than figuring things out in your head and what not as you said.

    I have to admit i don't see the big deal about a long engagement. Understandably not everyone wants that - we both decided we did to have time to save , plan and not feel rushed. Sure so many people tried to judge and have their say as to why includiong that we weren't ready and just feeling things out - this was NOT true. In the end it is your choice but be open to different things and ideas. i personally am enjoying the extra time being engaged and taking it one day at a time.
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    katanne9katanne9 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Nope. FI and I talked about marriage for a very long time. We knew we didn't want to have a long engagement either. We talked very little about wedding details. We set a tentative wedding timeline (late summer 2010) and in fall 2009 looked at a few venues together when we were in town (as we are getting married out of state). We planned nothing at ALL before we got engaged and will have been engaged for 8 months when we get married.


    Don't bother planning anything now. It will all change. Seriously. I am the most organized, type-A personality. I even worked for a bridal magazine for a year. I thought I knew what I wanted. You don't. Don't rob yourself of the experience.
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    foreverhis053007foreverhis053007
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I am engaged now, but we had been talking about general things in our wedding for at least 2 years.  We never looked at anything specific, but just talked about colors and general placement (by water, but not the beach because hes a red-head and burns after 5 minutes in the shade with 100+ sunscreen on, so something shaded as well) and such.  And, yes, our minds have changed several times, but I've found that it is making the actual planning alittle simpler knowing generally what we want.

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    noelle24noelle24
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I've never understood this.  1) what is so horrible about long engagements? They give you plenty of time to save money and plan a wedding, especially if you feel you'd need/like the extra time to "organize".  So if you don't like long engagements, then 2) why do you feel the need to start planning now while you are not engaged?  It makes no logical sense to me.
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    redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-but-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1a9ed8b6-cbc8-48db-a027-a0620dfbd143Post:e52bbbb2-a69c-4d7b-b58f-13005a885e6e">Re: Not Engaged, but planning!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I've never understood this.  1) what is so horrible about long engagements? They give you plenty of time to save money and plan a wedding, especially if you feel you'd need/like the extra time to "organize".  So if you don't like long engagements, then 2) why do you feel the need to start planning now while you are not engaged?  It makes no logical sense to me.
    Posted by noelle24[/QUOTE]

    My thoughts exactly.

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    beauty1077beauty1077 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    i am in a similar position!  My boyfriend and i have been together for 9 years and we want to get married but we are waiting until he graduates school in may 11.  So we decided to set a date for 2012 and start planning!  I think its good to get a jump start and then u can work on making things exactly what u want!
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    eav2ceav2c
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-but-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1a9ed8b6-cbc8-48db-a027-a0620dfbd143Post:311db104-09a9-43b3-866d-227badd2668a">Re: Not Engaged, but planning!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Nope. FI and I talked about marriage for a very long time. We knew we didn't want to have a long engagement either. We talked very little about wedding details. We set a tentative wedding timeline (late summer 2010) and in fall 2009 looked at a few venues together when we were in town (as we are getting married out of state). We planned nothing at ALL before we got engaged and will have been engaged for 8 months when we get married. Don't bother planning anything now. It will all change. Seriously. I am the most organized, type-A personality. I even worked for a bridal magazine for a year. I thought I knew what I wanted. You don't.<strong> Don't rob yourself of the experience.</strong>
    Posted by katanne9[/QUOTE]

    I couldn't agree more... I understand envisioning your wedding and the excitement that it brings... But, why not just enjoy your relationship? A lot of women pressure a guy to get engaged. Let's be honest--<em>MOST</em> of us are guilty of it. A guy will tell you he wants to get engaged (and they probably do) but they'll do it on their own time. "Planning" your wedding before you've even made it official (let alone actually enjoyed being engaged) seems useless to me. Wedding planning is enjoyable (at least for me) & why not just wait--til everything's offical? Why rush things? Why invest time/energy on "planning" when you can invest it into your relationship, school, etc?

    I do understand you though, trust me. But, I'm coming from a stand-point of being in YOUR shoes... Now that I am engaged and getting married next May, I really wish I would have better put things into perspective leading up to our engagement. Just enjoy life--enjoy your relationship--dont worry about a wedding/engagement... Just enjoy being young!
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    PaigeMcCPaigeMcC member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-but-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:1a9ed8b6-cbc8-48db-a027-a0620dfbd143Post:86b44f09-29bc-47b4-9d38-62fcd31ae7a0">Re: Not Engaged, but planning!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not Engaged, but planning! : I couldn't agree more... I understand envisioning your wedding and the excitement that it brings... But, why not just enjoy your relationship? A lot of women pressure a guy to get engaged. Let's be honest-- MOST of us are guilty of it. A guy will tell you he wants to get engaged (and they probably do) but they'll do it on their own time. "Planning" your wedding before you've even made it official (let alone actually enjoyed being engaged) seems useless to me. Wedding planning is enjoyable (at least for me) & why not just wait--til everything's offical? Why rush things? Why invest time/energy on "planning" when you can invest it into your relationship, school, etc? I do understand you though, trust me. But, I'm coming from a stand-point of being in YOUR shoes... Now that I am engaged and getting married next May, I really wish I would have better put things into perspective leading up to our engagement. Just enjoy life--enjoy your relationship--dont worry about a wedding/engagement... Just enjoy being young!
    Posted by eav2c[/QUOTE]

    THIS!

    Smart lady.  Well said.

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    fraycoufraycou member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am doing the same thing as the original poster. We don't have any big specifics picked out but ideas are flowing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with bouncing ideas off each other before he pops the question. We have a roughly laid out timeline, but it's completely flexible. Yes, your likes and dislikes can/will change but go ahead and get accustomed to those changes, no need to wait and stress. We pass by venues and described why we would or would not like to have a wedding there, but not one single phone call has been made. You are ahead of me in the budget department, I haven't the slightest clue how much to expect to pay for things. I'm slowly learning what to look for, that way when I do get my planning fully rolling there will not be as many money shockers. I do want a long engagement (1yr - 1 1/2 years) but "to each, his own". RESEARCH never hurt anyone, so keep looking, dreaming, and communicating with one another about your day.  
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    Aut&KeithAut&Keith member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm not engaged yet either and I'm getting stuff together. He has put money down on the ring and is paying for it, but there has not been an official proposal yet. I am still planning though. Honestly, I don't feel that you have to wait until AFTER you are engaged to get it together. We keep going back and forth between destination and in-state wedding though; that's our main thing that we are trying to work on (right now...in-state is winning). I have the colors picked out though. My friend will be doing much of the photography. I've spoken with the coordinator at the hotel of choice and we will be visiting multiple times if we like it (a lot less to put to gether with a hotel...i did worked at one for a while). If you don't wish to have a long engagement, then I believe there is nothing wrong with planning early. Good for you and good luck! Wink
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    yol0722yol0722 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am in the exact same situation as you!  I am not graduating until next year but want to get a head start on planning :-D
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    **Mutley****Mutley**
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If you are already planning, then you ARE having a long engagement.  I don't get how starting to plan early means that you are having a shorter engagement.  The whole point of an engagement is to plan for marriage, and the wedding.  Plus if you need to wait until graduation to get married, then maybe that is a signal that you shouldn't be engaged right now.  And if you shouldn't be engaged right now, then you shouldn't be planning.  It is really that simple. 

    It is one thing to talk about the kind of wedding you both want, where it might be, religious vs. non-religious, etc.  It is quite different to 'plan' your wedding.  Also, those of you are spending time 'planning' your weddings before getting engaged that time might be better spent focusing on your relationship/what you want out of marriage. 

    Long engagements are not big, bad ugly things.  It means that you know what you want and are willing to wait to make it possible.   


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    eav2ceav2c
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    PP=genious.

    Why is that women are jumping to planning things before anything has even happened? What is so wrong with a long engagement? The way I see it, the longer the engagment=the better planning, staying on budget, & having EXACTLY what my FI & I want. I know long engagement's aren't for everyone... And I admit, sometimes I think, "can't we just push this up?" but, I'm thankful for having a "long" engagement.

    With that being said, I still don't understand all the "planning"... I understand discussing this before you get engaged--to assure that you & your BF have the same ideas and wants in life. But, I really job think planning before being engaged robs women of their engagement.

    Part of the fun of being engaged IS the planning...However, in the long run, it's really just a small aspect of a long, happy marriage. Before we got engaged, my FI & discussed what we both wanted in life... What our aspirations were, where we saw ourselves in the future, etc. But, other than that, I didn't plan things, didn't worry about things... and I still don't worry about things.

    I just think planning a wedding BEFORE an engagement has even begun is asking for DISASTER. Men are strange human beings, and whether we realize it or not, no matter how much they love us, it could push them back a little bit. I think just enjoying your wonderful relationship as BF/GF is what should be the main priority... NOT if or when you'll get engaged OR what colors you'll have at your wedding.
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    madamezmadamez member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Maybe I shouldn't have used the word 'planning' then?
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    **Mutley****Mutley**
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-but-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1a9ed8b6-cbc8-48db-a027-a0620dfbd143Post:0f75b2d2-60b7-440a-a35e-0abfaf8862cf">Not Engaged, but planning!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hey guys :) My name's Hannah,

    and although my boyfriend and I aren't officially engaged just yet, we are officially saving/planning :D <strong>Neither of us believe in long engagements, and as we won't be able to get married for a couple of years, we're waiting til I graduate (next year, argh!) til we make things official </strong>:D <strong>

    Plus, I like to be super organised and we both figure that if we start planning, it'll make the actual official preparations all that more easy! </strong>Anyone else been in a similar situation?
    Posted by madamez[/QUOTE]

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-but-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1a9ed8b6-cbc8-48db-a027-a0620dfbd143Post:c429fdcb-eb04-407f-a785-43dcb56980f0">Re: Not Engaged, but planning!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh dear, maybe my wording is very sloppy!!! When I say planning, I don't mean actively planning, like looking seriously at venues and such :p I mean, <strong>picking out colours,</strong> <strong>thinking about a generic budget, thinking about the type of thing we want,</strong> <strong>doing research into different aspects of it</strong>... does that make more sense??

    I guess we both see the engagement as a sort of... we're getting married soon sort of thing... <em>Like, we don't want to get officially engaged until we can actually start making preparations</em>... I don't seem to be able to express what I mean too well!
    Posted by madamez[/QUOTE]

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-but-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1a9ed8b6-cbc8-48db-a027-a0620dfbd143Post:8dc37113-3b2a-4708-bcbf-808e074b41a6">Re: Not Engaged, but planning!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Maybe I shouldn't have used the word 'planning' then?
    Posted by madamez[/QUOTE]

    <strong>No.</strong>  You used the right word.  You just shouldn't be planning right now.  You are STILL IN COLLEGE.  Graduate.  Get a job.  Work on your relationship.  Discuss marriage at length.  Get engaged.  Start planning. 

    Besides your whole whacky cart before the horse stuff.

    #1 - The wedding doesn't matter.  You should put that time and energy into focusing on your relationship.  The wedding is fluff.  The marriage matters.  (By putting an emphasis on your wedding before you are even engaged, you are setting the wrong priorities.)

    #2 - There is no point in 'planning' right now because your ideas WILL change in a couple of years.  Also, once you are actually engaged, you will understand why so many of us say that everything changes.  Budgets can change a ton in a couple of years.  Your likes can change a lot from now to then.  What is available can change.  The people who have input can change. 
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    katanne9katanne9 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Not to mention that you don't plan on getting married for 4 years, you haven't talked to your families about it and you have NO concept of what you budget will be. Even if you WERE engaged I would tell you to stop planning. 4 years is a wicked long time.

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_hi-d-newbie-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:667556d6-fa17-46c5-944b-c7ce0de9847aPost:a0761c39-7e69-4594-9a45-d2102a29ef36">Hi :D (newbie here)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi guys! I'm Hannah, and I'm an English Lit student at a UK University (theknot.com is one of my FAVOURITE sites and I thought why not join :p) who is getting married in about four years (long time, but graduation and saving time have to come first!!). Just wanted to say hi to everyone :)
    Posted by madamez[/QUOTE]


    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_hi-d-newbie-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:667556d6-fa17-46c5-944b-c7ce0de9847aPost:da426a02-8500-4249-a4d1-0dc131aa7db3">Re: Hi :D (newbie here)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah, I'm getting that alot :p We just want for me to be out of University (one more year to go) and to have finished my Masters (another year after that :p) and then to have a fair bit of time to save and stuff. Sooo it's a long way off but it works for us!!
    Posted by madamez[/QUOTE]


    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_hi-d-newbie-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:667556d6-fa17-46c5-944b-c7ce0de9847aPost:ba7d7b2c-e4f9-4ab5-9d31-a3d4942aec14">Re: Hi :D (newbie here)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks all =) It's more of a necessity (the wait) as neither of us (nor our families) have that much money... we haven't actually told our parents about our plans yet, though they know that our relationship is serious/long term at least... but we want to be able to put money away ourselves before we tell our parents... sort of, so we can contribute as well.
    Posted by madamez[/QUOTE]
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    CA2MT4EveRCA2MT4EveR member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am NEY and I am not planning.  Ideas, yes.  Planning, no.  My ideas and tastes change all the time.  When there is a ring on my finger, then I will seriously search for things and put my ideas into place. 

    I am not a fan of long engagements.  Anything over a year and a half is pretty long to me. 
    dont make ur password so easy. gbck2CA2 hahahaha
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