The Great Ring Dilema

seriousmelam

My boyfriend and I have been talking very seriously about getting married sense we graduated from college. I'm in grad school right now so we agreed that we would wait until I finished my MFA to actually get married but in the mean time I have been given the go ahead to start looking at rings.

Here's where the trouble starts.

This is my ring: http://www.claddaghring.com/Ladies-Claddagh-Ring-SL-14L75WED-p/claddagh-ring-sl-14l75wed.htm

We exchanged claddag rings our first Christmas together so it seems perfect. Until I show it to him and the second thing out of his mouth after, "It's pretty" is that it's too expensive. 

My jaw dropped. I showed him my two other favorite rings http://www.claddaghring.com/Ladies-Gold-Claddagh-Ring-CLAD31DE-p/ladies-claddagh-ring-clad31de.htm and http://www.tiffany.com/Engagement/Item.aspx?GroupSKU=GRP10001#f+0/0/0/0/0/0 

Just to give him an idea of what expensive really means. Mind you my heart is set on that first one. Mind you he just started laughing when I went to the Tiffany web site.

Now to his credit he did try to work with me. There is a jewelry store halfway between our houses that does custom work and he brought up the idea of taking a picture of it there and having it made in fine silver to make it cheaper. But then he said that we could "even get it made without the stones."

I told him that was absolutely out of the question. That I could live without the diamonds if they were replaced by emeralds. And that the stones are part of the design.

He still seems hesitant due to the price. What do I do?

bethsmiles

You don't do anything. He is buying it so he decides how much he is willing to spend and you stay out of it.

Elle1036

What does your boyfriend do for a living?

I'm conflicted here.  You shouldn't want him to spend beyond his means for your ring, but, at the same time, I don't think $600 is at all unreasonable for something you'll be wearing for the rest of your life.

My general recommendation, without knowing any details on your finances or your BF's, is to wait until he's in a more stable place (and can afford the ring without stretching too much) to get engaged.

seriousmelam

He's a teacher, so he's not loaded but it's not exactly breaking the bank either. 

My main issue is that he told me to pick out what I like and what I want.

AudgiePodge

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_great-ring-dilema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1aa4d1e5-0dc8-4961-be00-8c5367b7230bPost:43587ee0-f048-4a74-8041-6e2917af0749">The Great Ring Dilema</a>:
[QUOTE]My boyfriend and I have been talking very seriously about getting married sense we graduated from college. I'm in grad school right now so we agreed that we would wait until I finished my MFA to actually get married but in the mean time I have been given the go ahead to start looking at rings. Here's where the trouble starts. This is my ring:  <a href="http://www.claddaghring.com/Ladies-Claddagh-Ring-SL-14L75WED-p/claddagh-ring-sl-14l75wed.htm" rel="nofollow">http://www.claddaghring.com/Ladies-Claddagh-Ring-SL-14L75WED-p/claddagh-ring-sl-14l75wed.htm</a> We exchanged claddag rings our first Christmas together so it seems perfect. Until I show it to him and the second thing out of his mouth after, "It's pretty" is that it's too expensive.  My jaw dropped. I showed him my two other favorite rings  <a href="http://www.claddaghring.com/Ladies-Gold-Claddagh-Ring-CLAD31DE-p/ladies-claddagh-ring-clad31de.htm" rel="nofollow">http://www.claddaghring.com/Ladies-Gold-Claddagh-Ring-CLAD31DE-p/ladies-claddagh-ring-clad31de.htm</a>  and  <a href="http://www.tiffany.com/Engagement/Item.aspx?GroupSKU=GRP10001#f+0/0/0/0/0/0" rel="nofollow">http://www.tiffany.com/Engagement/Item.aspx?GroupSKU=GRP10001#f+0/0/0/0/0/0</a>   Just to give him an idea of what expensive really means. Mind you my heart is set on that first one. Mind you he just started laughing when I went to the Tiffany web site. Now to his credit he did try to work with me. There is a jewelry store halfway between our houses that does custom work and he brought up the idea of taking a picture of it there and having it made in fine silver to make it cheaper. But then he said that we could "even get it made without the stones." I told him that was absolutely out of the question. That I could live without the diamonds if they were replaced by emeralds. And that the stones are part of the design. He still seems hesitant due to the price. <strong>What do I do?</strong>
Posted by seriousmelam[/QUOTE]

Buy it yourself.

KD+BC

If I were you I'd pick a few styles that I liked and give him the pictures. Then I'd let him pick the specific ring and price tag. That's what I did with my DH. I told him I like plain white gold bands with a solitaire diamond and preferably 6 prongs. He picked the size and price and it's perfect.

Schrodinger

What is he really worried about?  I agree that $600 isn't over the top for an e-ring.  But, I wonder if he's got other concerns on his mind -- does he work?  Is he carrying debt?  How is he with money normally?  You mentioned just getting done with college, are either of you starting to payback student loans?

If you're serious about getting married, I'd step back for a moment and make sure to go over expectations for money for both the wedding and your life together after the wedding.

palmettogirl924

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_great-ring-dilema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1aa4d1e5-0dc8-4961-be00-8c5367b7230bPost:49869d4d-2d49-4ad5-a33a-f67ea76c8b85">Re: The Great Ring Dilema</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to The Great Ring Dilema : Buy it yourself.
Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]

You shouldn't buy yourself an engagement ring.
You should accept what he's willing to give you without him breaking his budget.

That said...
Wait until he may be a better/more talkative mood and see if he brings it up again.I know when BF gets home from work he wouldn't want to see rings... even if he did tell me to start looking. It may  just be a timing thing- bad day, long day, stressful day, etc.

I  also wouldn't show him things that are expensive and well beyond his budget just  to prove a point, becasue I think that may actually make him feel worse... like "Gee I can't afford anything" , at least I know that is how my BF would feel Plus, he'll figure this out on his own when he does start looking. I don't feel like $600 is breaking the bank, but for him, it may be. And it's good that ya'll are looking for people to make it cheaper than the retail! That is always a good avenue.

Maybe also tell him you're not expecting it right away. Telling him this may make him realize he has time to save for it and you aren't demanding it right this second! Hope that helps!

loves2shop4shoes

Hmmm...how to say this without sounding like a snob?

$600 is not a lot for an engagement ring.  If you've said you want stones on your ring, he can expect to spend that much at LEAST.  I mean, many people spend 10x that (and more) for engagement rings...$600 is VERY reasonable, even on a teacher's salary.

How do you two plan on paying for a wedding if a $600 ring is an issue?

Is he normally this cheap?  If so, how does that make you feel?

AudgiePodge

Since I've missed the point of this being an engagement ring, I'll say this:

Before you start looking at rings, you two should go over what you can afford comfortably and decide on a price range. There is going to be a lot of hurt feelings if you don't.

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_great-ring-dilema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1aa4d1e5-0dc8-4961-be00-8c5367b7230bPost:14621922-079c-4fae-9464-1edc1e2dfe67">Re: The Great Ring Dilema</a>:
[QUOTE]He's a teacher, so he's not loaded but it's not exactly breaking the bank either.  My main issue is that he told me to pick out what I like and what I want.
Posted by seriousmelam[/QUOTE]

At risk of being a b*tch, he's being a cheapskate.  He should be thankful that you're not demanding the Tiffany ring and loosen the purse strings a little.

[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Great Ring Dilema : You shouldn't buy yourself an engagement ring. You should accept what he's willing to give you without him breaking his budget.
Posted by palmettogirl924[/QUOTE]

I actually helped pay for mine.  BF paid a bigger portion, but I had no issue with contributing (it was actually my idea and I pretty much insisted on it).  The way I saw it, it was something for both of us.  An engagement ring is a symbol of commitment, not a bribe.

palmettogirl924

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_great-ring-dilema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1aa4d1e5-0dc8-4961-be00-8c5367b7230bPost:104a0a2a-1e27-417d-a9a6-f837b70f6c80">Re: The Great Ring Dilema</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Great Ring Dilema : At risk of being a b*tch, he's being a cheapskate.  He should be thankful that you're not demanding the Tiffany ring and loosen the purse strings a little. I actually helped pay for mine.  BF paid a bigger portion, but I had no issue with contributing (it was actually my idea and I pretty much insisted on it).  The way I saw it, it was something for both of us.  An engagement ring is a symbol of commitment, not a bribe.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

Sorry- I did not mean my response to be rude at all, I was just responding to someone telling her to buy it herself (assuming that ment you buy the ENTIRE thing yourself).  But yes,  I agree. Good point PP, can you both contribute 50%. Would that take the "weight" off of his shoulders??

Elle1036

Palmetto - I didn't think your original comment was rude; I just wanted to let OP know that there's no shame in chipping in.

bakes218

I worry that if he is that concerned about spending $600 on a ring that he may not be ready for marriage, bills, and everything that goes along with it. You need to have a conversation with him.

About "chipping in" for a ring, I am very traditional. FI saved up for my ring and paid cash. It was very important for him to pay for my ring himself and I wouldn't have had it any other way. An engagement ring is a GIFT that symbolizes your commitment to eachother, not an investment you both "chip in" for.

Just my opinion.

deburnin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_great-ring-dilema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1aa4d1e5-0dc8-4961-be00-8c5367b7230bPost:104a0a2a-1e27-417d-a9a6-f837b70f6c80">Re: The Great Ring Dilema</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Great Ring Dilema : At risk of being a b*tch, he's being a cheapskate.  <strong>He should be thankful that you're not demanding the Tiffany ring and loosen the purse strings a little.</strong> I actually helped pay for mine.  BF paid a bigger portion, but I had no issue with contributing (it was actually my idea and I pretty much insisted on it).  The way I saw it, it was something for both of us.  An engagement ring is a symbol of commitment, not a bribe.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

<div>This made me go: <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" /></div><div>
</div><div>We have no idea what their situation in life is. Perhaps $600 is a lot for a ring at the moment. Right now that would be a lot for BF since a large majority of our savings went into the house. Sure she can tell him what she likes, but in the end it's up to him. It's a gift from him. He gets to decide the ring and the price (unless they are purchasing it jointly and then compromise should be in the mix). Loosening the purse strings might not be an option.</div><div>
</div><div>To OP, talking to him about your finances would be a good start. I would assume that being "stingy" with money isn't a new phenomenon in his personality, but I could be wrong. Why does he think $600 is too much? What does he think an affordable ring is? Do you have student loans that you're trying to pay back? If he thinks $600 is too much for a ring, are you on the same page when it comes to a wedding or future big purchases?</div>

GreenPepperBurger

My BF would do somersalts if I wanted a ring for $600. That being said, everyone's financial situation is different. I would maybe have a few more discussions about finances (not just about e-rings, but in general) and maybe hold off on getting engaged for now.

rxjen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_great-ring-dilema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1aa4d1e5-0dc8-4961-be00-8c5367b7230bPost:7599a5e6-5a32-42af-87b9-2ce5a5f601b4">Re: The Great Ring Dilema</a>:
[QUOTE]My BF would do somersalts if I wanted a ring for $600. That being said, everyone's financial situation is different. I would maybe have a few more discussions about finances (not just about e-rings, but in general) and maybe hold off on getting engaged for now.
Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]


I second this .....

nottheonlydreamer44

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_great-ring-dilema?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:1aa4d1e5-0dc8-4961-be00-8c5367b7230bPost:a7e2b35d-3658-44c9-ad96-bd2f5d1599ec">Re: The Great Ring Dilema</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Great Ring Dilema : I second this .....
Posted by rxjen[/QUOTE]

Me too. Though I do think $600 is a little cheap for a ring, I don't think it matters as long as you're both on the same page. I do really think putting it on hold for a bit might be a good idea.

Elle1036

Deburnin --  I guess I just feel like the OP would know if there was a reason that her BF, a college grad with a steady job, would have a hard time shelling out $600.  OP doesn't seem to think the price is unreasonable at all, and I agree with her.

If he does have some major debt or another financial problem that OP doesn't know about, then they're probably not ready to get engaged anyway.

heartu618

I agree that discussing a price range before ring shopping is a great idea and will save you guys alot of stress. My bf and I did, and the price he set  was higher than the rings I had picked out. So in our situation it worked out, but I would feel a little bummed if his target price was lower than what I wanted.  However, since it is his money then I think he has a right to set a reasonable target for his financial situation.  If $600 is all he can afford, then be happy that he spent all he could on a ring for you. But if $600 is less than half his paycheck then he is being a bit cheap.

leia1979

I agree with the others that a financial discussion is order (a general one, not just about the ring). I actually set a budget that was considerably less than FI was willing to pay, as I wasn't comfortable wearing something very expensive.

I think you're looking at very reasonably priced rings (at least the two Claddagh rings--anything from Tiffany's is overpriced).  If $600-$1000 is a financial hardship right now, then perhaps it's best to either wait or offer to chip in. If he just doesn't want to pay much for a ring, then you definitely need to discuss how you'll deal with finances in general.

bethsmiles

Did he tell you what price range he was comfortable with?

I think the two of you should go ring shopping together. You will get a feel for what you really like and he might get a better idea of what he is comfortable spending on a ring. But I still think that, although $600 is quite inexpensive for an engagement ring, it is his money and his gift to you which means that you should be grateful with whatever he gives you.

You need to find out what he is thinking when he says its too expensive. $600 is quite a bit of money that could be spend on other things and an engagement ring is essentially just a piece of jewelry, what the ring symbolizes is way more important that what it cost. You should love the ring he gives you, but he should love it too.