Is Divorce An Option?

[Deleted User]

I know this can be a touchy subject, but I am just curious how others feel about it. Barring any extreme situations such as emotional/physical abuse, cheating, violence, etc. - is divorce ever an option for you?

I would like to believe that I will only get married once...and that any problems we encounter during our marriage we would work on together. However watching my parents go through a divorce after 20 years of marriage, I know that is not always practical.

Is divorce and option for you? If so, what would it take to make you actually say to your spouse "I want a divorce"?

heyimbren

Barring those extreme situations against me or my children, then no. I don't think so. I wouldn't initiate it outside of those circumstances you named above.

calindi

I can't even think about that fully.  We've said that we both feel that couples often bail at the first sight of a rough patch and don't work hard enough to fix things, but sometimes it's just an impossible gap that grows between two people as they change over the years.

I would never want to be truly unhappy forever.  If we had put in a good fight for a long time and were just not making any progress and both unhappy, I would consider divorce.  I think everyone has the right to be happy, and I would hate to give my children the example of being in an unhappy marriage.

That said, I'd pull out all the stops to fix things - counseling, time apart (but not separated or dating other people), depression medication if necessary.  I would never give up my marriage without one heck of a fight.  It would take probably a year or two of trying to fix things before I'd ever consider divorce.  The exception is abuse - that's an immediate thing.

MLekathLEEN

Nobody goes into a marriage with the thoughts of getting divorced. With that being said, if you and your dh have exhausted every form of trying to make things work, why stay together and not be happy? I would not get a divorce unless we actually tried to make things work first, given it's not a situation mentioned.

hetshup

True story:

Before I got married, I never considered divorce an option at all. I'm a child of divorce, it wasn't going to happen to me. Fastforward to being married for a month, and we were confronted with the very real possibility of getting divorced. We went to therapy and are really good now, but it definitely changed my opinion about divorce. And trust me, we worked incredibly hard to keep our marriage.

calindi

Wow, Hetshup, I'm sorry you hit a rough patch right after you were married, and I'm REALLY glad you worked things out!

Right after you're married is supposed to be happy, but I imagine the transition brings stress, too.  I saw a few weeks ago that a girl on the SB board who was married in April, her husband has been cheating on her for months, and she just moved out and back in with her parents.  I can't imagine how much that sucks.

DanieKA

I'm not very conservative when it comes to a lot of things (premarital sex, living together before marriage, etc) But I agree with heyimbren. I'd like to believe that I would only get married once.

I read an article once about the couples who last the longest "sit far from the exit". I dug it up. basically what it's saying is that if divorce is an option, if you consider it a choice, you'll find a way to get there or use it. Whether you are bored or going through a bad period or just didn't see yourself where you ended up 5, 10, 15, 30 years after you married. If you sit close to the exit you'll find a way to go through it. That's a metaphorical "you". Not 'you' previous posters:)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/laura-dave/5-reasons-to-stay-with-th_b_252796.html

ETA: I do think divorce has been good in several situations, though. I wouldn't hesitate to use it in the right situation. I'm just not sure, for me, the right situation is anything other than what OP named. Or like, a decade of unhappiness and seriously working on it, to no avail. 

heyimbren

Aww, Hetshup, I'm sorry to hear that came up so soon, but I am so glad to hear that you two were able to work with the situation. That's wonderful.

[Deleted User]

I had a friend years ago that was having problems with her husband - it was really bad for a couple years.  She told me "I didn't get married to get divorced." Unfortunately they ended up divorced, but that was probably the best thing for them after all they went through.  I've always held onto her statement though.

FI & I talked with our pastor during our pre-marital sessions.  We both agreed that we would do whatever it took to save our marriage, should we ever come to that.  The fact that he enjoyed our pre-marital sessions as much as I did shows to me that he would be up to counseling if we needed it.

FI was married before.  It was not a good situation, she cheated on him from before they got married.  She was pregnant when they got married and the child was 4 or 5 before he found out the child was not his.  He tried that entire time, even after finding out about the infidelity, to make his marriage work.  He finally had to face the fact that it takes both parties to make the marriage work and she wasn't willing, so he filed for divorce.  We both value his past experience, because it's another way that shows me the character of the man I'm marrying (in 2 days - just had to get that in there).

NurseyK

While I would never want to be happy for forever, I don't agree in divorce just because one or both people stopped putting their best energy into the relationship. Ups and downs happen,  we agreed that extensive counseling is a possibility and that the word divorce would never be mentioned, ever. 

However, there are a few situations where we agree that divorce is a possibility: 

1. Becoming gay

2. Abuse

3. Addiction (without wanting to deal with it and get help) 

4. Infidelity

Simply Fated

My parents are divorced and it's the best thing that ever happened to our family. They actually get along now and they really did become better people and better parents.
They just fell out of love with each other. It happens. And I'm so scared of it happening to me.

I don't see divorce as an "easy out" though. It's a serious decision that effects your whole family and shouldn't be taken lightly.

Anyone who gos into marriage thinking, "well, if it doesn't work out, I can always just get a divorce!" doesn't take marriage seriously. Newt Gingrich, for example.
But I'm glad divorce is an option because without it, so many people would be trapped in loveless or even sometimes dangerous marriages.

The things you listed, violence, cheating, etc, those are all dealbreakers for me.

jeanacorina

OMG ANGIE 2 DAYS!!!! Where has the time gone?!?! *squee!*

Also- Hetshup, I admire you so much. I am so freaking PROUD of you for working as hard as you did to get through that. I don't know that I ever told you that I think you're amazing for not giving up like so many folks do. So, I'mma just tell you now: You're amazing.

DH and I agree that we would exhaust all options before we consider divorce (barring extreme circumstances like physical abuse). I know deep down that we'll never come to that. But just because *I* know something doesn't make it absolute truth. And usually I won't admit that. So this is a big deal.

We would go to counseling. We have considered it for some minor things, but have been able to work through everything that has come our way without a third party. But we're both willing to seek out help if we ever need it. Our relationship is important to us. I can't even express what I would lose if we ever went our seperate ways.

I think it's a really big deal. I think divorce is heartbreaking. I think it's a last resort. I like to think I don't believe it's an option for me. I haven't been anywhere near a position to consider it, thank goodness. I hope I never am.

My parents went through some terribly rough years. I remember in high school I WISHED they would get a divorce because we were all so miserable. There was constant conflict in our home. My mom has since told me she even told my dad she didn't love him. But they stuck it out, and now they're doing great.

Do I still think they should have gotten a divorce? I'm glad now that they didn't, but my childhood was full of stress. Maybe it would have been good in the short-term, but in the long run I think we've all healed, or are in the process of healing. So I think time and therapy can help a lot. I would give 110% to my marriage before I would give up on it. My parents did, and they're still together and finally happy again- going on 29 years this summer.

calindi

The thing I don't get about infidelity being a qualifier for divorce is that it's like a 'get out of jail free card'.  If one party wants out of the marriage, they just have to cheat and then they don't have to work on anything.

Don't get me wrong - I'd be furious and hurt and it would cause all sorts of issues with our relationships that would be difficult (if not impossible) to fix.  But I'm not going to divorce him if he cheats on me - we'll try to move past it.  I don't think either of us would ever do that to the other, it's just not in our nature, but if it did then we'd go to counseling and try to move past it and find a way to make our marriage work after.  It would never be the same, but I don't like the 'get out of jail free' mentality of "if you cheat on me, I'll divorce you."

Thoughts?  Does anyone think this way, or is it just me?

P.S. NurseyK's "becoming gay" clause cracks me up.  I don't know anyone who "became gay" - I know a few people who tried to deny it and thought they'd be able to ignore it so they married someone of the opposite gender, only to fall in love later with someone of the same gender.  I think our generation will see a lot less of divorces as a result of one person coming out of the closet as being gay is more acceptable than in our parents generation.

heyimbren

Cate, for infidelity it would really depend. For me, it would have had to have been a long term affair and the other person wanted out of the marriage. If it was a one-time cheating thing, I wouldn't divorce over that. Even if it was a longer affair, if he still wanted in I'd work at it.

NurseyK

Oooh Calindi, I totally agree... I'm just sayin that I won't stay married if he-of-a-sudden lusts for men because the honesty cat came out of the closet. I'd still love him and respect him... but I'd want my SO to love the womanly parts of me without imagining cocks n balls.

trebmal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_divorce-option?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:22e6d691-9c82-4629-bba8-fb9416f1730dPost:73d8eac9-b3eb-468e-8fe7-94f5449f09fd">Re: Is Divorce An Option?</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't even think about that fully.  We've said that we both feel that couples often bail at the first sight of a rough patch and don't work hard enough to fix things, but sometimes it's just an impossible gap that grows between two people as they change over the years. I would never want to be truly unhappy forever.  If we had put in a good fight for a long time and were just not making any progress and both unhappy, I would consider divorce.  I think everyone has the right to be happy, and I would hate to give my children the example of being in an unhappy marriage. That said, I'd pull out all the stops to fix things - counseling, time apart (but not separated or dating other people), depression medication if necessary.  I would never give up my marriage without one heck of a fight.  It would take probably a year or two of trying to fix things before I'd ever consider divorce.  The exception is abuse - that's an immediate thing.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]
This.  All of it.  Well said.  I feel exactly the same way.

trebmal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_divorce-option?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:22e6d691-9c82-4629-bba8-fb9416f1730dPost:4076dde0-624d-4afa-a43d-2f5240f0438e">Re: Is Divorce An Option?</a>:
[QUOTE]I had a friend years ago that was having problems with her husband - it was really bad for a couple years.  She told me "I didn't get married to get divorced." Unfortunately they ended up divorced, but that was probably the best thing for them after all they went through.  I've always held onto her statement though. FI & I talked with our pastor during our pre-marital sessions.  We both agreed that we would do whatever it took to save our marriage, should we ever come to that.  The fact that he enjoyed our pre-marital sessions as much as I did shows to me that he would be up to counseling if we needed it. FI was married before.  It was not a good situation, she cheated on him from before they got married.  She was pregnant when they got married and the child was 4 or 5 before he found out the child was not his.  He tried that entire time, even after finding out about the infidelity, to make his marriage work.  He finally had to face the fact that it takes both parties to make the marriage work and she wasn't willing, so he filed for divorce.  We both value his past experience, because it's another way that shows me the character of the man I'm marrying (in 2 days - just had to get that in there).
Posted by AngieD&JoeD[/QUOTE]
WOW, AD our SO's experienced a lot of the same things. 

trebmal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_divorce-option?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:22e6d691-9c82-4629-bba8-fb9416f1730dPost:24e42172-1aee-4341-91bd-95c754d32f7a">Re: Is Divorce An Option?</a>:
[QUOTE]The thing I don't get about infidelity being a qualifier for divorce is that it's like a 'get out of jail free card'.  If one party wants out of the marriage, they just have to cheat and then they don't have to work on anything. Don't get me wrong - I'd be furious and hurt and it would cause all sorts of issues with our relationships that would be difficult (if not impossible) to fix.  But I'm not going to divorce him if he cheats on me - we'll try to move past it.  I don't think either of us would ever do that to the other, it's just not in our nature, but if it did then we'd go to counseling and try to move past it and find a way to make our marriage work after.  It would never be the same, but I don't like the 'get out of jail free' mentality of "if you cheat on me, I'll divorce you." Thoughts?  Does anyone think this way, or is it just me? P<strong>.S. NurseyK's "becoming gay" clause cracks me up.  I don't know anyone who "became gay" - I know a few people who tried to deny it and thought they'd be able to ignore it so they married someone of the opposite gender, only to fall in love later with someone of the same gender</strong>.  I think our generation will see a lot less of divorces as a result of one person coming out of the closet as being gay is more acceptable than in our parents generation.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]
Sharing a brain today calindi...haha

[Deleted User]

It's so interesting to hear everyone's opinions. Thanks for being so open to sharing your thoughts.

Cate - to answer your question about cheating - I don't agree that it's a "get out of jail free" card. It may be a gutless way to end a marriage...but I would hope most people don't cheat for that purpose. If so, I wouldn't want to be married to that person anyway.

I do think there are many forms of "cheaters". If it was a one time thing, i'm sure some people could work through that, but i'm not sure I could.

My father was a cheater. He slept with multiple women over the years (since I was in 2nd grade). These were not women he was in love with, they were women he paid. My mom would never have considered divorce, she wanted to work through things, even in that situation. For a long time I had a hard time understanding that. How could she not have enough respect for herself to say "enough"? Now I realize she was trying to keep her family together and help the man she had loved for 20 years. Unfortunately, no amount of "wanting to help" and addict will, they have to want to help themselves first. I respect my mom immensely. I cannot say enough about the caliber of person she is. But I don't know if I could have stayed as long as she did...

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_divorce-option?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:22e6d691-9c82-4629-bba8-fb9416f1730dPost:24e42172-1aee-4341-91bd-95c754d32f7a">Re: Is Divorce An Option?</a>:
[QUOTE]The thing I don't get about infidelity being a qualifier for divorce is that it's like a 'get out of jail free card'.  If one party wants out of the marriage, they just have to cheat and then they don't have to work on anything. Don't get me wrong - I'd be furious and hurt and it would cause all sorts of issues with our relationships that would be difficult (if not impossible) to fix.  But I'm not going to divorce him if he cheats on me - we'll try to move past it.  I don't think either of us would ever do that to the other, it's just not in our nature, but if it did then we'd go to counseling and try to move past it and find a way to make our marriage work after.  It would never be the same, but I don't like the 'get out of jail free' mentality of "if you cheat on me, I'll divorce you." Thoughts?  Does anyone think this way, or is it just me? P.S. NurseyK's "becoming gay" clause cracks me up.  I don't know anyone who "became gay" - I know a few people who tried to deny it and thought they'd be able to ignore it so they married someone of the opposite gender, only to fall in love later with someone of the same gender.  I think our generation will see a lot less of divorces as a result of one person coming out of the closet as being gay is more acceptable than in our parents generation.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]
If he sleeps with another woman just to get out of our marriage, she can have him.

There is nothing to move past.
To me, cheating is a form of emotional abuse. He did something knowing it would hurt me. His loss.
And I'll get everything in the divorce settlement, including full custody of our kids. I mean, think of that, he wanted to cheat as a way out of the marriage... at the risk of losing custody of his children? He's an asshole. Of course I'd divorce him if he cheated on me just to get out of staying married to me.

peekaboo2011

I definitely don't consider it an option, except for the aforementioned reasons.  BF and I had a rough patch almost two years ago (HOLY CRAP), and we broke up.  I realize that it's not comparable to divorce, but we realized then that we needed to work together and that we wanted to make things work.  We only lasted about 8 hours apart, so I like to think that when we get engaged/married, we both will be willing to fight tooth and nail to keep each other.

True Divorce Story (about the gay clause):

My aunt and uncle - he's related by blood, were married about 8 years.  They had two beautiful baby girls, and lived in Tennessee after moving from both of their families in CA.  They moved back to CA and he found out she was cheating on him.  He tried to make things work, she wanted nothing to do with the process.  They got a divorce.  Auntie dearest continued to have multiple boyfriends, and now has another man's child...uncle is now out of the closet, and his boyfriend may be moving in with him .  The girls?  Their idea "Mommy can have a boyfriend, why can't daddy."  And that's a direct quote.  

Elle1036

Please, nobody take this personally.  This is based on my own musings and not any data (that I've seen) or experience.

I kinda feel like the whole "divorce is not an option" attitude can actually cause divorce.  Couples who are terrified of divorce may be less willing to acknowledge and confront problems that arise because they're afraid of where it might lead.

I'm a realist about divorce.  It could happen to us, but it's my choice to marry FI, and his to marry me, and either of us should have the choice to leave if it comes to that.  I don't intend to make that choice without putting serious thought and work into it, but it's really important to me that neither of us, at any time, feel "trapped" in the marriage.

PolkaDotBella

For us, divorce is a given for the aforementioned reasons (abuse, violence etc.). I'm a strong believer in working though a problem and only if everything else has been tried and failed then get a divorce. I understand that it is possible to fall out of love with a person, and that scares me! But I'll enter marriage with the mindset that we'll love each other forever!

When it comes to cheating, if it happened once, I would try to work though it, but if it was a re-occurring issue or if he truly loved her and not me, I would not have a problem with divorce then.

The only thing that I go back and forth on is the idea of staying together for the children. I can see how staying married until the kids are adults and move out is a good thing, but I can also see how it could disrupt the family more than just getting a divorce. I've known couples who have stayed married because they did not want to get a divorce and break up the family while the kids still lived at home, and it was really hard on the kids because they knew that the only reason their parents were still together was because of them... it was a difficult thing for them to work though. On the other hand though, I've also known people whose parents stayed together until they were out of the house and they had no idea that there was any problems, their parents kept it well hidden so they weren't affected by it at all.

I guess if everything had been tried and neither of us were happy and it was affecting my kids, then I'd consider divorce because I don't want my children to grow up in an environment where they are being affected by something like that.

Beads921

Well, it's not something I imagine for myself or something that I want, but I recognize that it's a reality and happens every day. Soo...basically I agree with everything Elle said, although I realize it's probably an unpopular opinion.

kayely88

Me and my boyfriend did discuss this a few months ago when we were discussing marriage and our lives together. Both of our parents have been married for 20+ years and are still happy. 

Divorce is an option to me only for the aforementioned reasons above (infidelity, addiction where he wouldn't get help, abuse, etc.) and the same goes for my boyfriend. 

If a problem should arise when we get married I would do everything I could to work it out and not give up easily. I think fighting for our relationship is one of the most important things we could do. Too many couple give us easily and just assume divorce is the only way out. And to me that's not an option. 

I don't think you should get married and automatically get a divorce because you couldn't work out problems. But if you are married and people change and you just can't make it work then divorce would be an option. But I would recommend counseling before then and even counseling before getting married.

My boyfriend and I have discussed doing pre-martial counseling with our pastor and I think that's a good idea. 

LizzyTish88

I can sit here and tell you that I won't get divorced until I'm blue in the face, (or fingers?) but I can't make that call until I am in the situation. I honestly think that if BF ever cheated, only one time, we would be able to work it out. Abuse, without question would be something that would make me leave. But until I am in a marriage and a problem arises I can't tell you exactly how it will work out. I do know that I am going to try my hardest to make things work, before considering divorce.

Also about the "turning gay" thing. You do not "turn gay." This is not something that I like to talk about, but I will give a little information about it. My father is gay. He tried to hide his true feelings, by trying to love my mother and even having a child with her. They eventually split because he cheated on her with a man for years. He is still with the same man and she has moved on. I've talked to my mom about it many times. If you had asked her the question about divorce, she would tell you that she wouldn't get a divorce, but when it came down to it, it was all that she could do. (Sorry if none of this makes sence, I'm having a hard time putting into words how I feel.)

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_divorce-option?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:22e6d691-9c82-4629-bba8-fb9416f1730dPost:7987d047-44ba-4122-97e4-1686c4bb3ade">Re: Is Divorce An Option?</a>:
[QUOTE]I can sit here and tell you that I won't get divorced until I'm blue in the face, (or fingers?) but I can't make that call until I am in the situation. I honestly think that if BF ever cheated, only one time, we would be able to work it out. Abuse, without question would be something that would make me leave. But until I am in a marriage and a problem arises I can't tell you exactly how it will work out. I do know that I am going to try my hardest to make things work, before considering divorce. Also about the "turning gay" thing. You do not "turn gay." This is not something that I like to talk about, but I will give a little information about it. My father is gay. He tried to hide his true feelings, by trying to love my mother and even having a child with her. They eventually split because he cheated on her with a man for years. He is still with the same man and she has moved on. I've talked to my mom about it many times. If you had asked her the question about divorce, she would tell you that she wouldn't get a divorce, but when it came down to it, it was all that she could do. (Sorry if none of this makes sence, I'm having a hard time putting into words how I feel.)
Posted by cdechristopher[/QUOTE]

This makes me sad.  It's sad that your dad felt like he had to hide who he was for so long.  I hope he's happy now and that your mother wasn't hurt too badly in the process.

LizzyTish88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_divorce-option?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:22e6d691-9c82-4629-bba8-fb9416f1730dPost:92f89649-ecf8-4b01-98c6-66b1c8e7eac5">Re: Is Divorce An Option?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is Divorce An Option? : This makes me sad.  It's sad that your dad felt like he had to hide who he was for so long.  I hope he's happy now and that your mother wasn't hurt too badly in the process.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

I cannot imagine going through what my mom went through. She thought she had it all, and it was all taken away in a flash. They split when I was 6 months old. She had to pick herself up, mentally and financially, and raise a child all by herself. It has made her an amazingly strong woman today, and I admire her for everything she has made herself to be. It just reminds me that sometimes things just aren't what they seem.

hetshup

Aww, thanks guys! I guess my main point about divorce is, being married has changed how I view divorce. When we were going through our rough patch (which in reality was much longer and all came to head right then) I had to sit down and consider if I wanted to work on it. Divorce is inevitable if both parties are unwilling to work on the marriage. We we willing, but there are many people that are not.

CDC- I get what you are saying. In the end it was really her only option.

jeanacorina

cde, I think that does make sense. I can imagine in that situation it really is all she could do. There is no repairing to be done in that situation.

I keep thinking about this cheating thing. I used to say, and DH agreed, that if ever someone wanted to cheat, they should just leave. Just go. End the relationship and get it overwith. It's cruel and cowardly to cheat on someone (unless it's an open relationship with that kind of agreement, of course). Why put both people through that? Just leave.

I still feel that way BUT I can't say "just leave" anymore. If one of us ever felt that we were more interested in someone else, I would hope (and we have discussed) that we would go to counseling and try to figure out why and how to overcome that without it actually coming down to cheating.

But what can you really do if one person is completely not interested in repairing the existing relationship? Or what else can you do if one person is gay? I don't think there's much that can be done other than divorce and try to move on with life.

This thread makes me sad.

HeartOverMind

Divorce is not an option for me or my BF. We've talked about this and we both feel the same. Obviously, if there was cheating or physical/emotional abuse; that's a different story. That's why I feel it's important to get to know the person that you want to marry, make sure that you can tolerate all their annoying habits...they aren't going to go away magically after you get married. lol.