Not Engaged Yet

your first time...

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Re: your first time...

  • LMS31587LMS31587 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    ps: sorry i was obnoxious and wrote in all caps on the subject message, but i'm all the way at the end and i didn't want you to forget about me. Also, I've had a little bit of wine this evening.
  • lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_first-time-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:279dd3cc-d569-4e94-9831-cf6b12c205bfPost:32c414ea-2279-4e90-8cf4-c3f838d2c20e">YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO READ THIS!</a>:
    [QUOTE]So you've already gotten a lot of great and useful information, but you will want to know this also.. I've had sex with only one person, my current FI, who had had some, but not much, experience before me. And I also have had a LOT of trouble at the doctor's when they venture down there... I've had a number of UTIs and yeast infections that have made dealing with that whole area a serious problem for a long time. When I was thinking about/ready to lose my v-card, I got two wonderful pieces of advice that have stuck with me: 1) the pain that you'll feel the first time is very much like a muscle being stretched... apparently my hymen had already broken, so there was no "popping" involved, but imagine stretching a muscle you haven't used in a long time; uncomfortable, but not unmanageable. 2) with all the thoughts that will be running through your head, do not expect to climax the first time. Instead, focus on the tenderness, the feeling of closeness, and the intimacy that will deepen your feelings for eachother. And remember: this is the same guy, and your relationship will feel the same during this experience as it always has. It's about love, and trust, and closeness, all of which you've already experienced with him.. Be open about your feelings all the way through, and I promise it will be a wonderful experience. Kudos to you and your honey for deciding to wait. In this day and age, it's not often done, and I admire you both for sticking to your guns. Have a wondeful  wedding day and a fantastic wedding night!! :)
    Posted by LMS31587[/QUOTE]

    Ha..I still haven't climaxed! You just worry about what feels good. :)
    I've always like the emotional act of making love more then the physical anyways. (However- being off the pill really helps with liking the physical too!)
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_first-time-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:279dd3cc-d569-4e94-9831-cf6b12c205bfPost:7ffbea82-f688-4384-b3c9-d455363373d8">Re: YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO READ THIS!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO READ THIS! : Ha..I still haven't climaxed! You just worry about what feels good. :) I've always like the emotional act of making love more then the physical anyways. (However- being off the pill really helps with liking the physical too!)
    Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

    Lunar, do you like girl on top? That's the only thing that does it for me. I mean everything else is amazing too but I've got to be in a certain position to get there.

    Coco, my first time..I was 16 and just wanted to lose my vcard. I never thought of having sex as being 'special'. It was not good and I only had sex with him once. And yes it hurt and I bled the next time too. Not as scary as it sounds though. I've had sex with a few people who it was not enjoyable with because I didn't know what the heck I was doing, I was doing it just to do it! I really didn't enjoy sex until I was with my first BF. I didn't feel self conscious with him at all .
    My current BF and I have been having sexytime together for over 5 years now and it is THE best. That emotional connection really does make a difference. He cares about pleasing me and I feel completely comfortable with him.
    All PP have given you great advice, take it slow, don't rush and you'll know when your body's ready! It may take a bit to really fully enjoy it since it may be a little painful and first but then it will be awesome :) And I agree with schiano- natural lube is the best :)
     




  • lmwilberlmwilber member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Coco, My first time was with my ex FI when I was 18, and I have to say that it was lovely. We had been an 'everything but' couple for about 5 months, so he had a very good understanding of what I liked, and vice versa (actually, that was about the only place we ended up being compatible, but I digress.) It was uncomfortable at first, but he went slow. All in all, it was a lovely experience.

    I think that you have gotten some wonderful advise. I would even suggest taking sex off the table for the first night. Tell yourselves that the first night is more of an 'exploratory mission." Maybe take a shower together, enjoy being naked together, learn how the other likes to be touched. Then build on that over your honeymoon. I know that you guys have waited for this, and there's the whole 'Wedding night' mystique. But honestly a sexy intimate night that doesn't involve penetration is better then the confusion of feelings that can come with rushing into penetration just because you can now. And, FWIW, oral sex, and mutual masturbation are not  consolation prizes, they are legit sex acts that every couple should have in their 'bag of tricks', and how a lot of couples who have had other partners start to learn what their new partner likes.
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  • lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_first-time-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:279dd3cc-d569-4e94-9831-cf6b12c205bfPost:89d6bfe0-9f64-4196-af8a-8d0f234c5a10">Re: your first time...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Coco, My first time was with my ex FI when I was 18, and I have to say that it was lovely. We had been an 'everything but' couple for about 5 months, so he had a very good understanding of what I liked, and vice versa (actually, that was about the only place we ended up being compatible, but I digress.) It was uncomfortable at first, but he went slow. All in all, it was a lovely experience. I think that you have gotten some wonderful advise. I would even suggest taking sex off the table for the first night. Tell yourselves that the first night is more of an 'exploratory mission." Maybe take a shower together, enjoy being naked together, learn how the other likes to be touched. Then build on that over your honeymoon. I know that you guys have waited for this, and there's the whole 'Wedding night' mystique. But honestly a sexy intimate night that doesn't involve penetration is better then the confusion of feelings that can come with rushing into penetration just because you can now. And, FWIW, oral sex, and mutual masturbation are not  consolation prizes, they are legit sex acts that every couple should have in their 'bag of tricks', and how a lot of couples who have had other partners start to learn what their new partner likes.
    Posted by lmwilber[/QUOTE]


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    Mutual self sexy-time is the sh!t! I would very much agree with just being naked and playing around on the first night if you wanted. Light some candles, take a bath. No pressure. It'll be awesome!
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  • edited December 2011
    Well, I can't offer a first time story, but I wanted to say that if you use lube (whichh from what I hear you should), stay away from ones with glycerin in it. It can cause yeast infections, which could result in a gyno visit, which I don't think you'd like :P

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  • edited December 2011
    thank you all so much for being so willing to share and not making me feel like an idiot.  I really appreciate it.

    and thanks for the info about the lube zipis...  I do need to watch out for that.

    we talked about it a little tonight, and he thinks part of the anxiety is just doctor-related, because of all the things that happened a few years ago that made me so scared.  he thinks that since it'll be with him that I won't experience as much or as intense anxiety as I would at the doctor's office.  hopefully that's true!

    I don't plan to have full-on sex for a few nights, although I know it could possibly happen.  there are lots of other fun things to keep us occupied.  :)  I'm mostly just scared that I'll start the hyperventilating and uncontrollable crying, but I've been better about even controlling that at the GYN so we'll see.

    thank you again for sharing!  :)
  • edited December 2011
    Trust me when I tell you that the story of my first time won't be helpful to you.

    Honestly, you need to relax.  Being super nervous will only make it more likely to be painful.  Try to have fun with it.  Use lube.  Take it slow...and communicate!
  • edited December 2011
    ya know what?  it'll probably suck honestly.  but you have an entire lifetime to figure out what makes each other feel good.  i would just try and relax and roll with the punches and not have any expectations - that's just unwanted pressure. 
  • kellyt89kellyt89 member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I just wanted to ask, have you gone to the gynecologist lately and have things been any better? I was sorry to hear you've had such a bad experience. :(

    I ask because I used to have horrible pain to the point where I would have panic attacks at the gyno. I finally found a wonderful nurse practitioner who helped me with surgery (I had a micro-perforate hymen) and then dilators. I think it might really help your anxiety if you went and talked to a doctor about some of your fears because they could probably help a great deal!

    First time sex can be painful or uncomfortable, it's usually a little awkward but really shouldn't be excruciating. If it is, there are things you can do to make it better. Use lots of lube (I love KY) and be willing to laugh and take your time for both of your sakes!

    Good luck and have fun! Even though it wasn't my personal path, I really commend you for waiting, it mustn't have been easy! :)
    And if the stormy weather came...I'd just kiss you in the rain... Daisypath Anniversary tickers image
  • edited December 2011
    kellyt89 - yes, my GYN is aware and has given me bits of advice on how to deal with the anxiety.  mostly she told me to drop my bottom, breathe in and out, and only use fingers at first.  it's gotten a lot better with her...  the first few visits we only did manual exams (no instruments), but the past 3 years we've done complete exams.  she says my hymen looks fine and she doesn't even think it'll bleed much, but she does think I should be concerned about having anxiety attacks.  she said I didn't need any surgical help or dilators, so... ?  but thank you for your advice!!
  • edited December 2011

    even though I dont know you, I am proud of y'all for waiting. I really planned on waiting until I got married too. My first time was actually just last september so I remember very well. My boyfriend and I were already talking about marriage and so for some reason I did not feel that guilty. We had already been fooling around naked and such and I had pretty much made my decision that if it happened I wouldn't beat myself up about it because we are planning on getting married and we love and care for each other so much.

    We started another one of our heated sessions (which by the way...when we are together we cant keep our hands off each other because we live 5 hours apart haha). I started rubbing his penis across my vagina and I said, "damn baby lets just do it." and he was very sweet asking several times, "are you sure baby?" because he knew how much I wanted to wait. And I told him I was sure.

    It didn't really hurt at first (just a little). We just had to stop before he finished because it was hurting some and there wsn't just lubrication. I did cry and it really was beautiful and special.

    Only advice I can give is get some lubrication and rub on yourself first for the first several times you make love because you dont start making that stuff in excess until you are comfortable with sex. lol. It gets better and better. Promise. Eventually it will not hurt at all but be patient because it sure is a different feeling at first. It will get easier. Promise. :)

  • lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    hp- I know that you also went ring shopping last September too. Did the BF pop the question?
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