Not Engaged Yet

Weekend Irritation - vent/long

First of all, Hi! I haven't been on here since friday... crazy busy fun/not so fun weekend. I am sitting at a tim horton's right now because the internet at my house is crap... pretending to do homework.

Background to my life: which is important to the interpretation of this post.

BF and will hit our two year mark in about a month, July 4th. We started dating right after I graduated high school, he is four years older than I am. I already had my college plans and I went off to school in the fall but we stayed together (obviously) and just did the long distance thing for a while. In that time we got to know each other very well... all we did was talk. I love him!! lol. And am very interested in keeping him forever : ) So at the end of my freshman year I decided that I did not want to stay at the school where I was going, there were lots of other reasons... but the fact that it was costing me $30,000 and we had already decided that we wanted a future together was a really huge part of me deciding not to go back. I just didn't see how we would be able to comfortably start off our lives with me nearly a eighty thousand dollars in debt after four years... Also, with me at school we wouldn't be able to get married til I was finished. We wanted to get married, we were totally on the same page about this. At least I really really thought that we were... and don't get me wrong, we are still on the same page about getting married. It's the when that just really sucks.

Fast forward to today, just over a year later. And still nothing.

All talk and no action. That is how I feel, and it is making me insane and slightly angry, which I hate. I am sort of over the whole proposal and getting married sometime soon because I know that it's not going to happen. I have come to grips with that fact, but unfortunately that doesn't change the fact that it's a sucky situation.

It doesn't help that we both still live at home. His parents are overbearing and his stepmother controls his life. I found out about a year into us dating... o, and he found out at the same time too, that she was taking $200 out of every paycheck for rent!! Now, don't get me wrong, he is a grown man living in his parents house, so the fact that he pays rent is perfectly acceptable, and I also am not cutting him much slack because he should have realized that, that is a huge thing to just overlook! But seriously, that's how little control he had over his finances just a year ago, and he let her because it "kept the peace." Thankfully he's grown some balls and is now standing up to her and has a lot more control over his life. Which I think is great because obviously I want him to have some knowledge of things when we do eventually get together.

I went away to college because I didn't want to live at my house anymore. I love my mom and we get along pretty great for the most part but she has crazy up and down mood swings and they are hard to predict. She's one way one second and then completely different the next. Last week she told me to get out of the house because she never wanted to see me again. I have a pretty busy life with work and school and trying to juggle everything, so when I get time to spend with BF that's what I want to do... she is struggling with that lately, maybe she knows me leaving is getting closer? (which really doesn't explain her trying to kick me out every other day). I can't do anything right in that house anymore. My dad has never been my father, we are slaves not children and he is lazy and rude. My parents don't get along and everytime my sister comes home I get stuck in the middle of an argument that I have no interest in.

I guess where I am going with this is that I did not leave college so that I could spend two more years living with crazy. At this point it would be totally self-defeating to go and get an apartment or whatever because we are supposed to be saving for our future. I suppose BF could buy a house, but that wouldn't help the situation any... we don't want to move in together til after we are married. We are waiting and all of that. He is still saving money and what not.

Ugh, not really sure what I am looking for here, this weekend really just sort of made me angry and dredged up a lot of yuck... I felt the need to vent. Sorry for the super long, slightly irrational post

Re: Weekend Irritation - vent/long

  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    Wow that sounds unfun.  I was a bit confused so I am trying to clear a few things up.  This is what I got from this.  You dropped out a college because you didn't want to have $80k in debt when you got married. (but then later you said you were in school?  I am confused.  Are you in school?)  You were waiting for the proposal that never happened one year later.  Your BF has some issues dealing with his parents and is working on them.  Does your BF have a job?  Going to school?  A degree?  If you got married now how would you two live?  I get that neither of you want to live at home (I live at home so I know all about wanting to move out).  What happened this weekend that made you so upset?  You never said.
    Can you afford to live on your own?  If you can, do so.  I know all about wanting to save for the future but if your BF can afford a house then I don't think you need to be saving every penny.  I really need some more information before I can give you much more advice.

    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • edited December 2011
    Sorry sorry, lol... I was trying not to make it awfully long, which I realize I still failed at, at the expense of confusing everyone.

    I dropped out of super expensive school - started going to not so expensive school. I am saving myself tons of money. I work and have a lot saved. So we are good there.

    He has a full time job, also is in the process of going to school for firefighting/Paramedics. He is right now getting ready to take a registry test so that he can get a job part time. He has been saving for long before I ever came into the picture. So we are good there.

    If we got married immediately we would buy a house, we would manage financially, we are in a good spot there. At this point tho, that issue is completely out... because there is no way we could get married before fall 2012, just because of school and saving and planning and all of that that becomes before a wedding.

    Yes, I can afford to live on my own. I guess at this point tho it seems so ridiculous to me because we are soooo close. But in the midst of everything it just feels so so far away.

    This weekend - we are always getting harrassed by both sets of parents about how we don't spend enough time with them. so we made plans with his parents on saturday night. He talked to them saturday morning and ok'd it and everything and they asked us to stop and get a movie and we'd all watch it and hang out. So we are on our way to the video store (afte an already busy day) and he calls his dad to let him know we're on our way over... and he is like, o, by the way... we're with your grandparents right now. sorry. like an hour away. when we had plans. Is it just me, or is that not just so rude and inconsiderate? And they do stuff like that all the time, yell at us for not being around and then when we are available they make it so difficult on us. My parents, mostly my mother, are exactly the same way. Then it is somehow our fault when we can't make plans

    Basically we started talking about how nice it would be if we lived somewhere on our own... and then maybe they would find it necessary to call us and make actual plans with us... or we could have them over for dinner or something. rather than getting in trouble for not being at their beck and call just because we still live under the same roof as them.
  • lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    And moving out together into an apartment isn't an option, correct?

    Have you and SO talked at all about timelines recently? Despite how much I hate said hypothetical timelines...Are you on the same page that getting married sooner then later is your plan?

    I'd want to know...If I were you- I could possibly continue to live with my parents until we got married in 2012- but if he was thinking 2013 or beyond- that would greatly influence my desire to move sooner then later.

    I had to have this talk with Andrew about 6 months ago. I hate my job. So if he wasn't planning on moving this summer- I was going to have to start looking for another job around here, because I just knew I couldn't last at my current employer. However, since he decided he wanted to move- I'm holding out on my job until we move.

    Do you regret your decision of leaving your first school? Is your SO also making decisions in his life for the good of your relationship?

    It seems to me that you need to do what's right for you right now. If you weren't with your SO right now- would you move out? If your answer is yes...then I would start looking at apartments. ::shrugs::

    Until their was a definite timeline I was comfortable with- I would focus on me, but...well...that's just me.

    Laughing
    Looks like there are quite a few pretty great complexes in Cincinnati. Here are a couple of my favorites- these places have great reviews!
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    http://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Ohio/Cincinnati/The-Pines_The-Reserve-at-The-Pines/4690/


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  • SKP82SKP82 member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_weekend-irritation-ventlong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:27a0c7e0-fc38-41b2-a897-a0db3df9c968Post:6297bf38-e3a7-4210-9bfa-a947b3720a5e">Weekend Irritation - vent/long</a>:
    [QUOTE]First of all, Hi! I haven't been on here since friday... crazy busy fun/not so fun weekend. I am sitting at a tim horton's right now because the internet at my house is crap... pretending to do homework. Background to my life: which is important to the interpretation of this post. BF and will hit our two year mark in about a month, July 4th. We started dating right after I graduated high school, he is four years older than I am. I already had my college plans and I went off to school in the fall but we stayed together (obviously) and just did the long distance thing for a while. In that time we got to know each other very well... all we did was talk. I love him!! lol. And am very interested in keeping him forever : ) So at the end of my freshman year I decided that I did not want to stay at the school where I was going, there were lots of other reasons... but the fact that it was costing me $30,000 and we had already decided that we wanted a future together was a really huge part of me deciding not to go back. I just didn't see how we would be able to comfortably start off our lives with me nearly a eighty thousand dollars in debt after four years... Also, with me at school we wouldn't be able to get married til I was finished. We wanted to get married, we were totally on the same page about this. At least I really really thought that we were... and don't get me wrong, we are still on the same page about getting married. It's the when that just really sucks. <strong>Fast forward to today, just over a year later. And still nothing. All talk and no action. That is how I feel, and it is making me insane and slightly angry, which I hate. I am sort of over the whole proposal and getting married sometime soon because I know that it's not going to happen. I have come to grips with that fact, but unfortunately that doesn't change the fact that it's a sucky situation.</strong>It doesn't help that we both still live at home. His parents are overbearing and his stepmother controls his life. I found out about a year into us dating... o, and he found out at the same time too, that she was taking $200 out of every paycheck for rent!! Now, don't get me wrong, he is a grown man living in his parents house, so the fact that he pays rent is perfectly acceptable, and I also am not cutting him much slack because he should have realized that, that is a huge thing to just overlook! But seriously, that's how little control he had over his finances just a year ago, and he let her because it "kept the peace." Thankfully he's grown some balls and is now standing up to her and has a lot more control over his life. Which I think is great because obviously I want him to have some knowledge of things when we do eventually get together. I went away to college because I didn't want to live at my house anymore. I love my mom and we get along pretty great for the most part but she has crazy up and down mood swings and they are hard to predict. She's one way one second and then completely different the next. Last week she told me to get out of the house because she never wanted to see me again. I have a pretty busy life with work and school and trying to juggle everything, so when I get time to spend with BF that's what I want to do... she is struggling with that lately, maybe she knows me leaving is getting closer? (which really doesn't explain her trying to kick me out every other day). I can't do anything right in that house anymore. My dad has never been my father, we are slaves not children and he is lazy and rude. My parents don't get along and everytime my sister comes home I get stuck in the middle of an argument that I have no interest in. I guess where I am going with this is that I did not leave college so that I could spend two more years living with crazy. At this point it would be totally self-defeating to go and get an apartment or whatever because we are supposed to be saving for our future. I suppose BF could buy a house, but that wouldn't help the situation any... we don't want to move in together til after we are married. We are waiting and all of that. He is still saving money and what not. Ugh, not really sure what I am looking for here, this weekend really just sort of made me angry and dredged up a lot of yuck... I felt the need to vent. Sorry for the super long, slightly irrational post
    Posted by danimcg[/QUOTE]

    Dude, you need to chiiiill.  You guys have only been together for 2 years and up until a year ago your BF didn't even have a handle on his finances. 

    I know it seems frustrating right now, but you need to enjoy your relationship as it is now.  Even though you say you are over getting a proposal, you're bitter about it.  That is probably affecting your relationship.

    How old are you? 
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • edited December 2011
    OP - Personally, I think it is very important to live on your own for a little while before marriage or even moving in with a SO. If you and your BF have never lived away from home, how do you know you will grow together and not apart?

    When I moved into the dorm in college, a lot changed. I learned how to take care of things myself, how to handle my finances and how to compromise with roommates. These are all life skills that I feel are important in growing up and maturing.

    I completely understand that many people have to live at home longer now for financial reasons. However, if your BF is not aware his mother is taking rent out of his paychecks and your mom is constantly kicking you out of her house - have you really learned how to support yourselves or each other?

    Get your own place, wait for your BF to get his own place...then see how things go. A lot can change when you have to become completely responsible for yourself. Get to know your BF under these circumstances first and you will set yourself up for a successful marriage in the future. There is no reason to rush things.
  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'll be honest, I'm not sure I understand your logic for why you've decided to make these life changes.

    I do think it would be wise for you to slow it down. And have a talk with him. Not a talk that is centred on why you two aren't where you personally thought you would be by now.. but ask him what he's looking forward to. Does he have a plan? Are there goals he wants to accomplish before getting married? Use this as time to work on your communication, since that seems to be something that has come up for you now.

    If you don't want to move in together, then don't. But that doesn't mean either of you have to be living with your parents either. Yes, it could cost more money in the short term to pay for an apartment. Consider that part of growing up. You may not have all the money you want when you do get married, and living independently has its own benefits as well. Make a pro/con list if you have to. But I would strongly advise you to stop planning ahead to the idea that you two will be married very soon, because it doesn't sound like that is definitely the case.

    And this is coming from someone who moved out and moved back home. I'm quite happy living at home for now.

  • polkadot111polkadot111 member
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    The thing that bothers me is that your BF is 4 years older than you (and if I did the math right, you're twenty. So he's 24.), and has a full time job, yet lives at his parents house. And you went to school, but dropped out sicne you didn't want the debt and because you wanted to be close to BF. I see issues with this. First, your BF should not be living at home if he wants to marry you soon. It's important to get a chance to pay your own bills and support yourself before you are married/engaged. And you complain that he needs to pay rent at his parents, but he should pay rent. He's 24 and chosing to live at his parents. Idk, I see no issue with that. 

    I would seriously say to just slow down. You don't need to be engaged/married right now. Finish school, focus on school. Get a degree in hand. If you can afford to get an apartment, then do that. If you BF can afford to, then he should do that. You two need to have a chance to live on your own. Saying you can pay all your bills when we're married and actually being able to handle yourself financially are two very different things.
    Used to be bourgehm. +1,500 posts. Silly knot
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  • edited December 2011
    o dear, i was afraid i was probably going to get a lot of people thinking i am totally nuts and what not after posting that... it's a vent, i was angry. I really am a logical person and I feel like I kind of threw BF under the bus in front of all you guys, which is comppletely not how I wanted it to come out...

    Sorry...

    Lunar: Thank you for being so positive, and not making me feel like my vent was completely out of line... Yes, us moving in together is a definite no. We both want to wait until we are married. And yes, we have talked timeline, a few times. At first his timeline was way longer than mine for reasons that made absolutely no sense. We talked about it and decided on next fall for a lot of reasons... his school, my school, job situations, etc... So there will be a house and a wedding and what not next year. Which is why moving out just sounds ridiculous to me at this point. Why add on the extra stress of moving (and then moving again) when I have got all of this other stuff going on. So I have been sucking it up, and will probably continue to suck it up until the time comes....

    SKP: Dude, I am normally quite chill. It is called a vent for a reason : ) I am really not so bitter about it, just sort of sad and ready to get out of the house. He and I are actually really good about this whole situation, it was just kind of a rough weekend. o, and a rough last week or so, lol. Culmination of everything... I was trying to think through things and really just needed to yell, I figured this would be a good place to do it. oops on me I guess, darn my inability to communicate effectively through written word

    Allusive: In my original post - I did go away to college for a year, I lived on my own and took care of myself and my finances. I have been taking care of most of this on my own since I was pretty young. He on the other hand has had his issues with his parents, controlling things and what not (see section directed at polkadot).... maybe he is the only one that really needs to move out, he could always go ahead and buy a house and such, which wouldn't be a hard thing to do, and might be what it should really come down to... But the idea of both of us getting an apartment and spending all that money just sounds irresponsible to me... it'll only be about another year, we can deal with it for that long... again, this was a vent.

    Bren: I am happy for you that it is working out so nicely after you moved back home, I wish it had been that easy for me. We have had these talks, really we have... and that's all that happens, it's like we talk and then pretend the conversation never happened, or whatever. My logic for these life changes - either way I am saving myself a ton of money.
     
    Disclaimer for all: I GO TO SCHOOL. I think this is something that lots of people are not quite grasping, which I am totally willing to take the blame for, as I realize I am a confusing person when I get in front of the keyboard. I am halfway through a four year program to get my BSN. When I graduate in April of 2013 I will take the NCLEX and be an RN. Sound good? I thought so too : )

    Polkadot: Yes, I realize it is slightly pathetic, trust me, I have ragged on him a lot for it too. He is the oldest child of a man who got his girlfriend pregnant at 17, after a huge falling out with his mom, it's pretty much just been him and his dad since he was four. His dad got remarried to evil stepmother and it's been like that since he was 13. His stepsiblings were all much older than him and they did a pretty good job at screwing up their lives, so in steps evil stepmother who has decided that there will be no messing up with this child. Which don't get me wrong, he is a great guy who has a head on his should and knows whats right and whats wrong, and I am thankful to his parents for that, but his stepmom took it wayyyy overboard. And he couldn't do a whole lot about it because that's where he lived, and it was his dad's wife, and his dad wouldn't stand up to her (but then again, he didn't even know that she was taking rent money from his son!) and like i said before, he puts up with it because it keeps the peace. And they have been guilt-tripping him into not moving out since he graduated, just because of the whole family dynamic. They are not at all supportive of him getting an education, him wanting to go to school for firefighting/pararmedics was something that he's wanted to do long before I came into the picture, and they basically told him that he was too stupid to do it. Just because all the two of them have done is work in a factory their entire lives does not mean that that is all your son is capable of! He lives in such a negative environment, he is doing so well in his schooling and they are "still deciding" whether or not he has made a good choice with all of this. He has made amazing changes in the last year that are steps at his making sure we'll have a future together, standing up to his stepmom, school, getting a handle on his finances.... all of that

    So maybe when I think about it, he is getting ready for us to be married... I guess maybe I'm a little peeved that he didn't let ME in on any of this? And maybe we had a bit of a miscommunication when I let school, and I didn't say anythng because I was being the good girlfriend and waiting patiently, not wanting to bother him... which I am still doing

    All in all, I feel like I have just decided that BF is the one that needs to move out. It's his choice however, I can't force him. If he wants to wait and continue saving money then that's up to him.

    And also - so everyone is aware. BF and I are absolutely wonderful. Very much in love and happy and on the same page and want the same things and enjoy each other's company and both just crazy anxious to get married and live together. It's just rough waiting when there are so many things that make us want to just jump into things.

    Sorry for all of the confusion... obviously coming in here with no one having any prior knowledge of our relationship makes it easy to assume all bad. I am hoping that none of you think I am crazy or horrible for feeling and saying all of this, and I certainly hope that nobody decides to hate me or anything because I'm completely nuts or something, lol...
  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    We don't think you're "horrible" for venting. But I still stand by a lot of the advice said here. I think it sounds like he has a lot on his plate right now (and he's making positive choices, which is great!). He sounds like he's in a very similar position to my BF right now, and here's what J told me: he needs some time to work things out. That means dropping the wedding talk for a while. And waiting for us both to figure out school/jobs/living arrangements in the meantime. I'm not even counting on the timeline we had previously discussed because so much has changed.

    And they really are in similar situations. J wants to be a firefighter as well, always has. He needs to start school for that, but in the meantime he's working. He was living with family, but just decided to move out about a month ago so he's moved now. Same kind of family it sounds like too, with their attitudes regarding schooling and capabilities. You're going to drive yourself crazy if you keep yourself so focused on this wedding. You don't have to do that. You two can still be together and work on your futures together, but the reality is you're both going through big transitions in your lives right now.

  • edited December 2011
    You are right, lol. I am going to drive myself crazy. Which is why I have resigned myself to the fact that it's not happening yet. Now I am just trying to distract myself with what's going on in the meantime. I do have school to keep me nice and busy, and I am enjoying talking to you guys just as long as no one decides to kick me off : )

    Like I said before, craziness ensued and I had to let it out somewhere. I'll try to keep it to fluff and butterflies in the future, lol.

    Also, I am going to feel pretty dumb if he does propose sometime soon and I come back here to tell you after my little outburst here today, lol.

    Thanks for listening : )
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    BF and I started talking about marriage about 2 years ago. He has been saying he will propose "soon" since that time. But since we are both in school and still deciding what we want to do with our futures our plans for marriage are always changing. We don't want to live together before marriage so he lives at home to save money (his parents are really overbearing to so I feel your pain there) and I have an apartment. I've just picked the furtherest possible date that we will get engaged (4 years when we are both completely done with school) and decided in my mind that is when it will happen. I no it will happen before then but its just easier to think that it won't be happening for a long time because then I'm not really worried about it right now and can focus on everything else going on in my life.


  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    I think the ladies have a lot of good advice.  Try not to focus on getting married within a year.  I am in a similar boat.  I want to be married by next year before we go off to the university.  If that happens, that would be awesome, but I try not to think about it.  Instead I try to focus on school, my job, my life, friends, and of course BF.  One of the challenges with being young and in love is that you have a lot of things to work on personally.  Like problems with yourself because you are still transitioning from being a child to an adult.  I find that by focusing on what I need to work on, problems with myself, helps keep me on the less crazy side.  You can give yourself goals.  EX: "Ok I am going to work on such and such a problem.  If I have made good progress in X amount of time, I will treat myself."  Only you know what you like to treat yourself with. 
    For the record I thought you were crazy in the beginning.  I thought you quit school to get married and a year later nothing had happened.  I am glad to find that what I thought isn't the case. :)
    I also have slightly different thoughts on moving out.  I know exactly how you feel.  I too live at home.  However, because of your BF's bad family situation I would urge him to move out.  First off, he is 24.  Second off, family dynamics impact people's relationships.  My BF comes from a pretty messed up family, I would love it if he could move out but he can't.  However, sounds like your BF can.  It will do wonders to your relationship.  No one needs to be told that they are too stupid for school.  I know it seems like a waste of money but maybe his parent’s manipulative ways are holding him back from doing other things in his life, like getting married.   I know it is hard being young and with a lot of older women, but stick around they have a lot of great advice. :)

    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • edited December 2011
    OP - I'm so sorry if you felt ganged up on. That was not my intention at all...and I'm sure it wasn't the intention of the other gals either.

    In no way was I implying that you could not take care of yourself. The "living on your own first" advice that I gave you is advice i've given many other girls. I know that I personally changed a lot from the time I lived with my parents, to when I lived with roommates in college, to moving into my own home that I own. Over that time i've learned how to manage my own finances, how to keep a house clean and organized, how to deal with landlords, mortgages, bills, pets, HOAs, etc.

    There are many things you simply can't know about each other until you actually see a person on their own. I would have given this advice to anyone, but you did sound a little young in your original post. Sorry if I came across as judgmental.

    Do stick around though! I don't think anyone here wants to "kick you out". We were just trying to express our individual points of view.
  • lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I think BF should move into this place- it's SO pretty,,,and only twice as much as he's paying now in rent.
    http://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Ohio/Cincinnati/Deer-Hill/7237/


    Problem fixed! LOL. Has the BF lived on his own before? Do you think he'd be down for moving out?
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  • edited December 2011

    thank you girls, i do appreciate all of the advice... and i was very concerned that you all would think i was being nutso and shun me and all that. very self-concious, haha.

    Anyyywayss... Lunar, He would ABSOLUTELY be down for moving out. He has wanted to for a very long time. Also, BF is VERY against renting. And I tend to agree with him on this one just for us and where we are in life.... small start-up houses where we are would not be a lot of money. He has a lot in savings and amazing credit, if we find something good it would probably be cheaper per month and more profitable in the long run because at least we'd be able to resell it later. So maybe I can just convince him to go ahead and do the house hunting this summer instead of next, which is the plan as of right now... it really would make things easier parent-wise... but financially i know he won't want to because...

    side story - BF was taking an EMT class and he offered to be the victim, they strapped him to a backboard and the instructor and a student for some odd reason thought it would be funny to flip him over and dropped him and he broke his nose. Totally destroyed, and now he is having to go through lawyers and all that fun stuff to get the school to pay for it because he had a really high deductible and he also has to pay 20% of everything above that...

    So he is going to get the money back it is just a matter of time... So even tho in our orignial timeline he was supposed to be looking at a house the beginning of May, we are waiting til next year I suppose

  • lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Okay- I offer another fix:


    BF should buy this house for $82,700. It's in a GREAT school district! (Sycamore Community).
    http://www.starone.com/displaylist.asw?listnum=1264099&mls=cincy
    http://www.greatschools.org/ohio/cincinnati/1455-Blue-Ash-Elementary-School/

    Ta Da! LOL! All fixed!

    ETA: And let him agree for you to plant these in front of the house:



    LilySlim Weight loss tickers
  • desertsundesertsun member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Dani, I thought SKP actually had some valid points there, and there was no reason to come back with so much attitude.

    If you don't want us to think you're crazy or you're worried about being liked, a good place to start is to try to not take things too personally.

    Of course you are allowed to come and vent. But it's just the way that message boards work that you should be prepared to receive all kinds of responses to what you post. You will benefit so much more from being here if you can keep an open mind and again not take things too personally.

    That said.

    I would encourage you and your BF to live on your own individually. The growth and benefits of independent living are priceless. Even if it means putting off marriage for a year, I truly believe it would be worth it long term for you both to have that experience.

    You seem to dismiss this option, but I'm not sure what else you can possibly expect to change while you're saving for a home and a wedding, given that you insist that your relationship is solid.

    We all have our priorities and make our choices, so I would say that if you decide to stay at home, you need to be prepared to suck it up and deal with the consequences of that choice.

    Find something you can change or are willing to change, whether it's your attitude, adjustments in your relationship or moving out, or suck it up and accept the situation as it is. Those are your options.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


  • edited December 2011
    Desert: Sorry if you took that as too much attitude, I was teasing about that, just coming back with what she said, I found it sort of comical that she called me dude. I took her seriously, just as I did with everyone else. And did respond to what she had to say to me. And also, I was making fun of myself in that, because a few times I commented on the fact that a lot of the issues were in the fact that I was doing a poor job of communicating what I was wanting to say through writing. Added to that the fact that my posting was kind of a rash decision, I realize I wasn't making much sense.

    I do dismiss that option, I feel like it would be irresponsible of me financially to start spending money now when I am so close to leaving with BF and having someone to share in that burden with. I hope that you ladies won't take that fact personally, It is where I am in my life...

    I don't expect change, but I can still hope for it. Multiple times I stated that I am just going to suck it up and deal with the situation because it is what it is and I know that I am going to have to get through it for just a little longer. So that is what I am doing. With that comes an attitude adjustment, you're right. That's probably going to be the best thing for me in dealing with the crazy that is my life right now.

    I am sorry if I offended anyone, that is never what I intended.

    Lunar: You are a breath of fresh air, thank you : )

    That is adorable!! Exactly what i want, flowers and all, he would totally say yes! I am wondering if I can change my location info tho? Because Cincy is actually a little over an hour away from where I am, and I need to stay semi-close to school, for just a little bit longer at least.
  • edited December 2011
    O, And Ray, I never responded to you, and I wanted to say thanks to your advice : ) I think I will try setting some goals and get myself a little more distracted.

     I am glad you don't think I am crazy and I cleared that up, haha. I love him, but not enough to give up school completely!
  • SKP82SKP82 member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_weekend-irritation-ventlong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:27a0c7e0-fc38-41b2-a897-a0db3df9c968Post:edb2c094-8cb6-41e6-8386-5a330d134cde">Re: Weekend Irritation - vent/long</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Desert: Sorry if you took that as too much attitude, I was teasing about that, just coming back with what she said, I found it sort of comical that she called me dude. I took her seriously, just as I did with everyone else. And did respond to what she had to say to me. And also, I was making fun of myself in that, because a few times I commented on the fact that a lot of the issues were in the fact that I was doing a poor job of communicating what I was wanting to say through writing. Added to that the fact that my posting was kind of a rash decision, I realize I wasn't making much sense.</strong> I do dismiss that option, <strong>I feel like it would be irresponsible of me financially to start spending money now when I am so close to leaving with BF and having someone to share in that <u>burden </u>with.</strong>I hope that you ladies won't take that fact personally, It is where I am in my life... I don't expect change, but I can still hope for it. Multiple times I stated that I am just going to suck it up and deal with the situation because it is what it is and I know that I am going to have to get through it for just a little longer. So that is what I am doing. With that comes an attitude adjustment, you're right. That's probably going to be the best thing for me in dealing with the crazy that is my life right now. I am sorry if I offended anyone, that is never what I intended. Lunar: You are a breath of fresh air, thank you : ) That is adorable!! Exactly what i want, flowers and all, he would totally say yes! I am wondering if I can change my location info tho? Because Cincy is actually a little over an hour away from where I am, and I need to stay semi-close to school, for just a little bit longer at least.
    Posted by danimcg[/QUOTE]

    I thought it had a bit of attitude, too, but then I took it as you kind of trying to fit in, and that's fine.  Yes, I called you dude.  The intent was friendly.  But, you did come off as defensive.  Some of the other things you've said made me realize it's actually insecurity.  Am I wrong?

    As for the 2nd bolded part, this is concerning to me.  You don't KNOW a proposal is coming.  Not even within the next year.  And even if you did, it would still be a good idea to get your own apartment and do things on your own right now, especially since you two have such issues with your parents.

    The fact that you called it a burden is a red flag for me, personally.

    I sincerely wish you the best of luck.  We don't think you're BSC (if you've lurked, you know what real BSC is).  It bothers me that you keep putting yourself down.  This is a very supportive community; you will receive all kinds of advice that you never would have expected (even if it's what you DON'T want to hear).  But for the most part, people are extremely supportive and helpful in getting the ladies around here through tough times in their relationships. 

    ETA: Plus, everything that Desert said.  As usual.  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-kiss.gif" border="0" alt="Kiss" title="Kiss" />
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • edited December 2011
    Desert and SKP make great points here. (as usual!)

    OP - I understand that your mind is made up on the "living on your own first" thing. I'm sure there is no way anyone on here would change your mind, and that's ok. I just wanted to say that I think you may look back and regret that decision. Personally, I feel that many of the marriages that don't work out didn't give themselves the best shot. If you don't really know yourselves yet and you have relatively little life experience, how do you have any way of truly getting to know each other? It's easy to dream up a home and a wedding. In reality, those things are stressful life changes that are often not as "magical" as you might think. I fail to see how blowing your savings on a one-day wedding is a smarter financial decision that using those same dollars towards getting your own place and learning to stand on your own two feet for a year.

    Also, I know it is tempting to see "sharing finances" as a good thing. It seems less expensive to share a place, share grocery expenses, share the bills...but generally when it comes to relationships those "shared" expenses more often than not equal stress.

    Just some things to consider...
  • edited December 2011
    SKP: I honestly never took offense to you calling me dude, nor do I see anything wrong with you using the word dude, I use it too on occassion. I think all of that was just interpreted poorly, and I am not surprised as I communicated it poorly. I don't have anything against any of you and I am taking what is being said here to heart. You are right, in that I do feel slightly insecure, I am new around here and still trying to get to know people, so yes I am a little defensive and trying not to get trampled on in the meantime, I would like to say tho that how I feel or how I talk is not me trying to fit in, it's just me.

    I do KNOW it's coming before next fall tho, that's the thing... I just don't know exactly when for sure, which I am glad about that, I still want it to be a surprise. In all of this tho I thought it would have come sooner, which is why the feelings of wishing I weren't at home anymore have come up. And please don't take my wanting to get married as just an excuse to leave the home I currently live in, if ALL I wanted was to get out then I would be jumping on the chance to get myself an apartment, no matter the cost or what it might mean for me financially in the future. The majority of it is me wanting to be with BF. Like I said, this weekend just brought up a lot and made me want out, so I vented.

    Take the word burden here lightly, I really didn't mean that the way it may have sounded... let's just say financial responsibility... where we are monetarily, what we want will not be a burden.

    Allusive - I understand what you are saying exactly, before I met BF I always thought I would end up living in an apartment somewhere after college and what not... sometimes I do sort of wish I could still do that. But it's not what I want anymore, so I don't see myself regretting it. Thank you for your input tho. Also, we won't be blowing our savings on a one-day wedding. My mom wants to help us with it, she is very old-fashioned and still feels that it's her responsibility to marry off her daughter. As horrible as she can be at one moment, it is very short lived and we actually have a very good and rather close relationship. Even if she weren't helping we wouldn't be blowing anything, I am beyond cheap and plan on doing most everything ourselves, lol... I am pretty responsible and have a good head on my shoulder's when it comes to money. Heck, I am 20 years old with a 401k and a ROTH IRA, lol... I think I may be a little too responsible! Not to mention everything I've got in both my savings and checking, my money market account and all the money I've got save in my college fund. The money in my college fund is the only thing that was given to me. I have been working and saving and spending virtually nothing since I was 15.

    BF and I are already preparing for "sharing finances." And doing very well at it...

    Ugh, I'd keep going but I am sure my post is already long enough, plus I have to go back to work... I didn't realize how late it had gotten! Silly half hour break.
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