I'm new and kinda want to vent...

HeartOverMind

 Hi Everyone,
I just wanted to vent a little because I'm feeling like that time of the month is coming.  So me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year and 4 months and I know he's the one and he knows I'm the one. A few moths a ago we went ring shopping for the first time and I almost flipped out (on the inside lol). We just looked and he wanted me to try things on and it was a good time. We went another time and I saw a ring that I LOVED and I was convinced it was the one. He put money down on it and it was put on layaway until he would pay it off. (The policy is that he had ten months to pay off the ring). Yep.  So I've been pretty excited about it. Then, a couple of days ago he called me and told me he had to get the money back for the ring!  He assured me that it wasn't like he was taking his intentions back or anything, he just didn't have the money to get into that right now. I was totally cool about and I said it was ok. But it bummed me out a little. Obviously. On one hand, I'm really ok with it. We have more time, I could find another ring I like more, he can worry about trying to get a new job and we can both work on school. But on the other hand, I feel like we've gone backwards and we're even further away from forever. *huge sigh* I don't know.  What do you ladies think? Anyone in a similar situation???
 
Thanks for reading!

catemeg

What does "we're even further away from forever" mean?  That just made me roll my eyes.  Forever is right now - every day you're with him, whether you're dating or married, is a day that you are together.  There's no reason to consider a wedding as some target or goal, or definitely not some 'starting point for the rest of your life'.  Your life is happening now, so just take a deep breath, be glad you have your boyfriend in your life, and enjoy the moment.

I get that it's frustrating that he had a deposit on a ring and then needed the money back.  I'd be a bit bummed, too.  I think it's natural to be a little disappointed.

Perhaps he really paid for it and is just trying to distract you so that you don't expect it?  Maybe he'll buy the same ring (or better one) when he's in a better financial position?

breezerb

IMO I think it's pretty responsible of him to get his money back rather than spend every last penny he has on it.  I know it's a huge step and a very exciting one that most girls can't wait to take (myself included) but it also has to be done when you are financially secure.

If he did buy the ring and propose you would want to start planning your wedding and that's really hard to do with no financial backing.

I think he made a good decision for the time being.  Enjoy your time together and maybe start putting some money away so that when it does happen you can sit back and enjoy a little more

Ana_2985

I think it is normal to feel disappointed.  But Cate is right.  The "forever" that you're talking about has already started.  It started as soon as you and your BF decided that you wanted to spend the rest of your lives with each other.  I am engaged and believe me, nothing magical happens when you get a ring.  We had already discussed marriage and weddings and life goals by the time we got engaged (which is really important) so "forever" was already happening.  The ring is just a bonus.

Enjoy your time together now.  Stop focusing on what might happen and enjoy what IS happening NOW.

Edit:  Also I agree with PP.  It is really responsible of your BF to not spend money on a ring right now if he can't afford it.  You should be proud of him for being mature doing what is best for him/you.

twinklemepink06

I was thinking the same thing as catemeg. You are together now and that is so special in itself. No ring needed Maybe he is tricking you into thinking he did not get the ring, but don't have false hopes. Try to relax for now and just dream about that wonderful day.

heyimbren

If you really want to get on with getting engaged and planning a wedding, you really don't need a typical engagement ring for that. Could you agree on something cheaper?

But if money is tight it might be better to wait until you could afford to have the wedding you want as well.

It's too bad he had to take the money back. But you're still together, and you're still moving forward!

HeartOverMind

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-new-kinda-want-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:2812060a-5fe7-46c8-b17c-b8a5521812f5Post:4bc12add-fc9c-474d-ac3a-87f7b8f5b6e6">Re: I'm new and kinda want to vent...</a>:
[QUOTE]What does "we're even further away from forever" mean?  That just made me roll my eyes. Posted by catemeg[/QUOTE]

Yeah. I just said that because we live an hour away from each other and I see him like twice a week (on a good week) and it's normal to want to see him everyday. So that's mostly what I meant when I dramatically said "forever" lol.  But yeah, I totally understand what you mean.

HeartOverMind

I AM really proud of him about making a smart move and getting the money back. That's why I was ok about it. I love being with him and that's all that matters. Ring or no ring. Marriage or no marriage.

catemeg

Yeah, I get that being apart is hard.  My boyfriend and I were living 1,000 miles apart for 6 months.  We didn't want to do long distance indefinitely, so we had a deal - I was going to find a job in Miami within a year and move to join him, or he would transfer back to a school near DC if I couldn't find a job.  Well, I got laid off during that time, so I packed up everything and moved down to Miami.  Now we live together, and it's great!

Unless you believe you shouldn't (or don't want to) live together before marriage, is there any reason why you both can't be in the same place?  Is one (or both) of you in school, or both have jobs you don't want to leave?  If you do, being engaged won't change your school locations or make it easier to find a new job to be closer to each other. If there is nothing holding you to a certain geographic location, it's sometimes worth the leap of faith!  Moving down to Miami was the best thing I could have done for myself professionally and personally, and we've never been happier.

katanne9

Not to be the giant rain cloud, but this is a perfect example of why you shouldn't look at rings before you're ready. Ready = financially capable.

HeartOverMind

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-new-kinda-want-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:2812060a-5fe7-46c8-b17c-b8a5521812f5Post:f9e079c0-5f91-4c6e-996c-d422c433687d">Re: I'm new and kinda want to vent...</a>:
[QUOTE] Unless you believe you shouldn't (or don't want to) live together before marriage, is there any reason why you both can't be in the same place?  Is one (or both) of you in school, or both have jobs you don't want to leave?  If you do, being engaged won't change your school locations or make it easier to find a new job to be closer to each other. If there is nothing holding you to a certain geographic location, it's sometimes worth the leap of faith!  Moving down to Miami was the best thing I could have done for myself professionally and personally, and we've never been happier.
Posted by catemeg[/QUOTE]
 
I don't want to live with him until we're married. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-embarassed.gif" border="0" alt="Embarassed" title="Embarassed" />
As far as work and school go... He's been thinking about moving closer to me. He goes to school in the same town I live in (a community college). I'm transferring to Chicago( I don't live that far from Chicago) in January to finish my degree. So I can't move, but if he had the money and a job opportunity he would. But it all goes back to the money thing...he needs to stay where he's at for the time being.
We've been good about dealing with it, but sometimes it gets annoying. I feel like we have it pretty good compared to a lot of other people's long distance relationships (like your past predicament).
I just feel like if we were engaged we would no choice but to figure something out. One of us would have to move, or think about moving in the near future. But seeing as I have school in Chi-town, we'll just have to be paitent until he gets his financial situation under control.

HeartOverMind

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-new-kinda-want-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:2812060a-5fe7-46c8-b17c-b8a5521812f5Post:2f6f875a-c8d8-4b68-9018-445254e37325">Re: I'm new and kinda want to vent...</a>:
[QUOTE]Not to be the giant rain cloud, but this is a perfect example of why you shouldn't look at rings before you're ready. Ready = financially capable.
Posted by katanne9[/QUOTE]

I totally agree! lol. I would be fine in my blissful ignorance, but we had to go ring shopping. It's ok though, just one more thing to work through.

At least when he's finally ready, he knows exactly the ring that I wanted and it will be the greatest surprise ever. *huge sigh*

catemeg

All I'm saying is that the reasons you're long distance aren't JUST because you don't want to live together yet (which is a personal decision that I completely respect). 

If you got engaged, it wouldn't suddenly be easier to be in the same city.  "We would have no choice but to figure something out" doesn't make the situation get magically easier - either one or both of you would have to compromise.  You still wouldn't be able to move schools to be near him any easier, and he still wouldn't be magically in a better financial position to move to Chicago to be near you.  So the engagement isn't what is keeping you apart - it's the finances. 

Figure out the finances, get in a better financial situation, then figure out a way to be near each other - either you move near him when you finish school, or he gets himself in a position where he can afford to move to Chicago.  It'll make the whole engagement-into-marriage process a lot easier to do it in that order, rather than getting engaged and "having no choice but to figure something out".  Figure it out, then get engaged.  It'll be less stressful, I swear!

HeartOverMind

Cate- You are so wise.  I guess sometimes you need strangers to help you solve life issues. lol.
I really want to wait and get engaged after school anyway, but he surprised with the whole ring shopping thing a couple of months ago. Then I got super excited and started thinking about how we could make it work, but I'm going to accept that waiting is going to be the least harmful thing I could do.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-new-kinda-want-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:2812060a-5fe7-46c8-b17c-b8a5521812f5Post:a8d94fcb-ea5c-47b3-a33a-fe3523192f17">Re: I'm new and kinda want to vent...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm new and kinda want to vent... : Yeah. I just said that because we live an hour away from each other and I see him like twice a week (on a good week) and it's normal to want to see him everyday. So that's mostly what I meant when I dramatically said "forever" lol.  But yeah, I totally understand what you mean.
Posted by HeartOverMind[/QUOTE]

I see BF once a week (on a good week) because we live an hour apart as well. I think it's kind of nice in a way, because we have our own lives away from each other too for now. It's giving us time to grow and be more independent before we move on to the next step.

HeartOverMind

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-new-kinda-want-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:2812060a-5fe7-46c8-b17c-b8a5521812f5Post:489d87cb-0194-442f-b54b-e9d235845f75">Re: I'm new and kinda want to vent...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm new and kinda want to vent... : I see BF once a week (on a good week) because we live an hour apart as well. I think it's kind of nice in a way, because we have our own lives away from each other too for now. It's giving us time to grow and be more independent before we move on to the next step.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

WOW! That's bizarre! Yeah, I always tell my BF that I'm really happy that we can only see each other a few times a week because it keeps our relationship fresh. You know what I mean? 
I mean I would LOVE to see him everyday, but it is what it is.
Do you wish you saw him more?

jeanacorina

DH and I were long distance for over 2 years. In that time, I saw him twice.

TWICE.

It was really difficult, and of course there were some tears, but I wouldn't change that time for anything now. It was completely worth it, and it was a great experience for us to both be on our own and independent and pursuing our own goals. Forever didn't "start" when I moved to be closer to him. It started the day I met him, and that long-distance portion of our relationship is part of our "forever."

I know it's exciting and your BF bringing up marriage can make a perfectly patient girl go a little stir-crazy. But you guys need to do what's best right now so that when you DO get engaged and married, you start out in the best possible situation.

Wedding planning and adjusting to married life isn't always easy. There are tons of things- big and small- to make the process stressful. You both need to be ready for that, and part of being ready means learning to put your needs above your wants even when it really sucks.

Good luck!

HeartOverMind

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-new-kinda-want-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:2812060a-5fe7-46c8-b17c-b8a5521812f5Post:22f740c6-f6c0-425f-a9c9-b7b6e4393ac9">Re: I'm new and kinda want to vent...</a>:
[QUOTE]DH and I were long distance for over 2 years. In that time, I saw him twice. TWICE. Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

Whoa! That's crazy, but that would definitely make you guys stronger, which I'm hoping my long distance relationship will do!
So far, it is.
And I have hope that it will continue to do so!