When do you know when your ready?

ashleyjo09

So I've been MIA for a while (work has been crazy) and did some catching up about people getting married too young. I'm 22, will be 23 in June. BF is 35 (yes I realize the age difference) and we've been together a year. We both know we want to marry each other, but when? If bf asked me to marry him today, I'd say yes but would want a long engagement (long being 1-2 years).

I'm the last person, with the exception of 1, in my family from 18-24 that is not married with at LEAST one kid. I knew that I didn't want to do that. I went to college, got my degree and a job, paid all my bills, have lived on my own for a year and have been struggling but have been making it. Do I think I'm mature? yes. Do I think I know everything? Absolutely not. Do I think I still have stuff to learn? YES!!! But do you have to know everything to get engaged/married?

So I guess my question is, when do you know you're really ready for marriage? Is there a checklist or something that I need to know about??

jeanacorina

Hmm, that's a really good question, and kind of tough to answer. but you know me, I'll give it a shot!

I THOUGHT I was ready to get married many times before. When I really KNEW I was ready to get married.... hmm...

Well, I mean, it still occasionally gives me a reality check moment. Like, woah. We're doing this. This is a BIG DEAL. This is it, forever, for the rest of my life. This is the future father of my children (future baby daddy, lol), this is the guy I'll be rocking with on the front porch when we're 90 years old and screaming at kids to get off our lawn.

It's a little scary, but it's also blissful. Knowing FI and I are getting married and will be together always is like.... finding out I can breathe underwater or something. I feel surprised, amazed, excited, and downright invincible.

It didn't require a lot of thinking. Right now is the right time. And FI said that, too. There is nothing else to do "before." We've been together through great times and terrible times. We've each lived on our own (mostly-- FI had roommates). We've each struggled and had to stay afloat without the other.

We COULD live on our own. We COULD survive without each other. But we'd never want to. We WANT to marry each other. We don't NEED to.

Ugh, and that's such a hard thing to understand before you feel it, I guess. Because I'm sure lots of people who aren't ready for marriage WANT to get married... but it's a different kind of want.

I don't know... I'm getting all philosophical on myself.

**Mutley**

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ready?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:288c4957-5dfc-4a4e-9beb-8b69771a9087Post:e58b0ae6-9755-4dac-98bc-57ccb20de305">When do you know when your ready?</a>:
[QUOTE]So I've been MIA for a while (work has been crazy) and did some catching up about people getting married too young. I'm 22, will be 23 in June. BF is 35 (yes I realize the age difference) and we've been together a year. We both know we want to marry each other, but when? If bf asked me to marry him today, I'd say yes but would want a long engagement (long being 1-2 years). I'm the last person, with the exception of 1, in my family from 18-24 that is not married with at LEAST one kid. I knew that I didn't want to do that. I went to college, got my degree and a job, paid all my bills, have lived on my own for a year and have been struggling but have been making it. Do I think I'm mature? yes. Do I think I know everything? Absolutely not. Do I think I still have stuff to learn? YES!!! But do you have to know everything to get engaged/married? So I guess my question is, when do you know you're really ready for marriage? Is there a checklist or something that I need to know about??
Posted by ashleyjo09[/QUOTE]

There is no checklist.  You do not have to know everything to get engaged/married.  Nobody ever knows everything.  I do feel like no matter how mature you are at 22, there is still so much more to learn about yourself and I think that is best learned when you are single. 

You know you are fully ready to get married to a specific person <u>when you do not have to ask anybody if you are ready.</u>

I always wonder what a 34-year-old has in common with a 21-year-old, no matter how mature he/she might be.  (I know you've probably heard that to death, but it has to be said.)   I do think that a 13 year difference isn't as big of a deal once both people are past 30.  

[Deleted User]

Wow Jeana - You said it sister!  That is EXACTLY how it feels.  When the time is right and it's the right person, there's just no question about it.  You just KNOW.  It's the most unexplainable, amazing feeling in the world!  I love how you compared it to "finding out I could breathe under water" Jeana - PERFECT!

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ready?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:288c4957-5dfc-4a4e-9beb-8b69771a9087Post:0aee86df-8f4b-44f2-bb5a-880ccd92c30c">Re: When do you know when your ready?</a>:
[QUOTE]Knowing FI and I are getting married and will be together always is like.... finding out I can breathe underwater or something.Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

This statement made my day.  It's so sweet and simple. 

jeanacorina

Mutley is also right-- you don't have to ask anymore. You just know it's happening and you know you're ready.

I'm glad my metaphor-thingy sounded as good to you guys as it did in my head! lol

mrs.rab

Agree with Mutley: 

I did my clinicals at a nursing home this past semester. There was a resident that had dementia, she doesn't walk or talk really, just smiles. She cannot eat by herself or go to the bathroom. Her husband comes to see her everyday, he sits with her, talks to her, feeds her, watch her while she takes a nap. 

He just loves her, she is his life and he makes her life. 

So I guess I could live without my FI. But I wouldn't be me. 

I'm referring to our first dance song for any further thoughts:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwFS69nA-1w

bajediva

i think sometimes asking "am i ready?" is a matter of balancing others' expectations and your inner sense of who and where you are. the quest for that particular balance, i think, is a part of almost every decision, even though the extent may vary. the more decisions you make - especially ones that significantly affect direction and/or quality of life - the more skilled you get at achieving this balance. to me, this is one of the values of age/experience/singlehood.

as for age difference, prior to current BF who is 2 years older, bf was 13 years my senior. we had 2 good years of sharing, of growing, of learning. i didnt come away with a negative stance on the age difference issue at all.

to answer OP, i do agree, though, that when you are ready, you will be able to know that your answer to that question is 'yes' without asking anyone else, or grading yourself on some external checklist.

katanne9

PPs have said a lot of wise things.

I agree. There is no checklist. I don't think you'll ever be 100% prepared, but I think you're ready when you stop wondering if you are.

ashleyjo09

Thank you for all the feedback. I completely understand what you mean Jeana and that is a great metaphor. I guess when its completely right, I'll know. And since I am asking, I must not be completely ready.

Mutley~I know there is a lot of side-eye-ing with the age gap, but it doesn't matter to me, it doesn't matter to him, and it doesn't matter to any of our family & friends. We are who we are and our relationship works. I've been mostly single my whole life, dated here and there but this is the first time I've ever felt this way about another person. He's never been married and has no kids, so there's no ex or baby-mama drama. He makes me happy and I feel like a queen when we're together. (And I pay my own bills, he does not in case anyone wants to know.) So where I appreciate your opinion and understand your questioning, we are doing whats right for us.

Narwhal

The way I see it, is you're never completely ready for any big step in your life.  You just have to be ready to go for it, and take things as it comes. It's kind of like swimming, I think. No one really knows how prior, no matter how long you wait. All it takes is jumping in and hoping that you can figure out how to paddle.

**Mutley**

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ready?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:288c4957-5dfc-4a4e-9beb-8b69771a9087Post:9b20a870-98cf-4693-954c-4ea76237dc17">Re: When do you know when your ready?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for all the feedback. I completely understand what you mean Jeana and that is a great metaphor. I guess when its completely right, I'll know. And since I am asking, I must not be completely ready.

Mutley~I know there is a lot of side-eye-ing with the age gap, but it doesn't matter to me, it doesn't matter to him, and it doesn't matter to any of our family & friends. We are who we are and our relationship works. <strong>I've been mostly single my whole life, dated here and there but this is the first time I've ever felt this way about another person. </strong>He's never been married and has no kids, so there's no ex or baby-mama drama. He makes me happy and I feel like a queen when we're together. (And I pay my own bills, he does not in case anyone wants to know.) So where I appreciate your opinion and understand your questioning, we are doing whats right for us. :)
Posted by ashleyjo09[/QUOTE]

Sorry, but this statement doesn't hold much weight because of your age.  I am not saying that he is not it for you.  However, saying that you were mostly single for 2-3 years as an 'adult' before meeting him is not exactly the best standard.

Also, I don't think that I said anything that horrible.  I made a general statement that I still feel to be true.  There are exceptions, as there are exceptions to every rule. 

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ready?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:288c4957-5dfc-4a4e-9beb-8b69771a9087Post:b4cd0673-2ee2-4966-9668-35a057064402">Re: When do you know when your ready?</a>:
[QUOTE]The way I see it, is you're never completely ready for any big step in your life.  You just have to be ready to go for it, and take things as it comes. It's kind of like swimming, I think. No one really knows how prior, no matter how long you wait. All it takes is jumping in and hoping that you can figure out how to paddle.
Posted by Narwhal[/QUOTE]

Respectfully, I wholeheartedly disagree. 

I think that if you are not 200% ready for marriage, you shouldn't do it.  You may not know exactly what is going to happen or what is going to change but you can be prepared.  However, I will say that nothing changes.  Your relationship is still going to be your relationship after marriage.  We had that level of comittment before we were ever engaged.  The only change for us was legal and that we started TTC.  I felt completely ready for marriage.  There was never a moment where I did not feel ready for marriage.  We also wouldn't be taking the next step (having kids) if we didn't feel completely ready.

I also wouldn't jump into water without getting swimming lessons or having the proper support system in place. 

Narwhal

I didn't really explain my metaphor as well as I had hoped. What I meant, was the amount of mental preparedness (if that is even a word) is more neccesary than anything that can be seen from the outside.  Physically, no matter how long you sit there wanting to get in the water, you aren't going to really get anywhere until you get to the point where you finally make the decision that you're going to get in and go for it. You're in the position where you trust what you know and how you feel and you're ready to finally do it. I think the same's kind of true for marriage.  No one can tell you that you're ready to jump in, you have to trust yourself.

But, take my advice with a grain of salt, i'm neither engaged nor a swimmer.

SassyBrass

I know the whole "Once you know, you know" thing seems cliche, but it's very true. I really didn't know that until it happened.
I don't think the age thing is really a problem as long as you're happy, I'm just sure you get a lot "why not someone your age" stuff. Meh.
All in all, I think Jeana put it quite well.