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Not Engaged Yet

New? Read this first!!

Hi! Welcome to NEY! 

We're happy you're here.

However, before posting on this board, LURK. Lurk, lurk, and lurk some more. Get a feel for the board - its posters, its dynamic - and decide if it's the right place for you before you begin posting.  You can read back a few pages to see some recent posts/topics, and you can check out the intros thread (also sticky-ed) to get to know some of our posters. Be sure this is the board for you before you begin posting or add to our intros thread.

Some things to consider before you post...

Be aware that many of the posters on this board do NOT encourage planning a wedding before you consider yourself engaged. 

What constitutes planning? Researching venues, vendors, or flowers. Picking colors, wedding party attire, or your wedding dress. Making down payments. 

It's okay to spot something you like while idly browsing the knot ONCE IN A WHILE and bookmark it with the thought of "someday maybe." It’s even ok to have an occasional conversation with your SO about what you might like to have someday in reference to your wedding. It's not okay to spend a large amount of your free time poring over, for example, flower arrangements, with the idea of "saving time later" by picking out exactly what you want NOW. See the difference?

There are a variety of common reasons regs cite as to why "pre-planning" is not a good idea:

-Because it doesn't make sense to plan an event that you don't yet absolutely positively know IS happening.

-Because no one needs a year to plan a wedding. No one. We really, REALLY don't like to hear "I'm a planner, so..."

-Because by skipping ahead, you're living in the future instead of the present. You're denying yourself a wonderful experience -- the excitement and anticipation of looking forward to something that will only happen once -- a proposal. Once it's over, it's over, and you can never look forward to it again. Enjoy it while you can. 

-Also, consider that you're not giving your BF or his proposal their due by skipping ahead of them.

-Your tastes, preferences, budget, desired location can change in a week, a month, a year. They can also change once you take into account what your SO wants, or what the people that might be contributing funds to the event want. 

-The personal experience of many of the married posters on this board is that wedding planning WILL GET OLD and that you are better off saving your excitement and energy for when it comes time to pick a date and start booking venues and vendors.

Only you and your BF can determine your relationship status.

We cannot tell you whether you are or are not engaged. There is no such thing as "unofficially engaged" or “engaged to be engaged” or “planning a wedding, but without an ‘official’ proposal”. Either you are engaged or you aren't, and that's a determination only you and your SO can make.

You do not need a ring to be engaged. You’ll hear this a lot around here. Many couples get engaged without a ring. All you really need is an agreement between both people that you intend to marry each other. Nobody can tell you that you’re engaged if you and your significant other don’t think so, but if you’ve picked a date and started planning but claim you’re not engaged… well, you’re going to get some funny looks.

NEY regs are generally not malicious, but they are usually opinionated and honest (sometimes painfully so).

Each board has its own personality and set of regular posters. Not Engaged (Yet) is no exception. To really fit in and make friends, you&r squo;ll want to know what’s going on, who’s who, and how posters here express themselves.

Sometimes you just need to vent. That’s cool. But let us know that you’re venting, or that you need to be talked down from your craziness. We all have our limits for life and stress, but if nobody knows you or what you’re thinking and you post something that makes you sound totally crazy, you won’t get the advice you really need. Tell us when you just want to let it all out. Trust me, we’ll understand. It's okay to be excited, eager, and impatient sometimes and want to talk about it with people who understand. You can vent here. Just be prepared for people to be quite blunt when talking you down.

If you post something, you’ll get responses and advice. Some of the ladies here are engaged or married, and have been in your shoes. We WANT to help you out, but sometimes you’ll find they can be pretty blunt. You might even feel offended. Take a step back before you respond.  Don’t take things too personally. The only thing anybody has to go on is what you posted. Did you give enough information? Did someone misunderstand your tone? Clarify if you need to, but don’t get upset or jump on the defensive. You may not always agree with something a poster may have to say. However, if you can state a differing opinion with respect and maturity, diversity of perspectives is appreciated.

Lastly, there are a few things that you can do that we really look down on around here.

NEY is a pretty open board…just about anything goes. However, there are a few things that could get you a lot of negative feedback:

Dead dropping a post (aka DD). Same goes for posting-and-running. If you cannot stand by something you want to say, or you’re not open to feedback, then don’t say it. If you post and don’t quite get the feedback you wanted and erase your post and/or responses, you're flipping the bird to those posters that gave you genuine, well-intentioned advice and feedback, and you’re depriving another poster who might be in a similar situation of advice/feedback that might be helpful to them.

Assuming you are a special snowflake.  You are not more mature or more stable or more anything than everyone else your age. Your life is not anymore easy or difficult than anyone else. Everyone – and we do mean everyone – on this board has a story. Everyone has had difficulties in their lives that they’ve had to overcome. Everyone has a special relationship with their SO. Do not use that as your rationale for crazy behavior, because you will get called on it.

Verbal attacks, name-calling or being blatantly rude to another poster, especially a regular poster. Posters around here can be blunt and painfully honest at times, even snarky, but for the most part, their advice and responses come from a genuine place. If you can’t handle basic criticism or what you consider “negative” feedback, then perhaps this board is not for you. But verbally attacking or namecalling (especially of the b* and c* variety) towards anyone – newb, reg, or old-timer – doesn’t fly with us. You will get reported.


So, you think this board is for you? Then come on in, post yourself an introduction so we can get to know you a little better. And again, welcome to NEY. :)

I'm not good at feelings.

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