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Can someone help me understand? (Rant)

As I've said before the cupcake for my wedding have been taken over by my step-mom. I have been allowed virtually no input. I can decide on the frosting color. That is it. Whatever, I got over it. That is why I am having all the cake/cheesecake pops.

Well she sent me an email with a basic tiered cupcake holder. Asked if I liked it or if I had any better ideas.

We don't have any space constraints on the table where the deserts will be.

I sent her these (to be spread out on the table -not stacked obviously):





Finally: This can be fanned out so the plates are not overlapping.



To this I was told that these won't work for displaying cupcakes and she will be using the tiered tower that she found. If you are going to blow off my opinion why did you even ask for it? Maybe there is something I am missing here. Does anyone else see how these will not work?

Sorry this is kind of a dumb post. Dealing with these stupid cupcakes have gotten more and more frustrating has time has gone on. Far more than a cake product ever should be.
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Re: Can someone help me understand? (Rant)

  • edited December 2011
    Not dumb, frustrating!  It sounds like you handled it maturely and respectfully.

    Now fill me in - did your step-mom pay for the cupcakes?  I'm assuming so.  Can you sit down with her and show her pictures of what would be your ideal setting?  Explain that you really appreciate her help (since I'm presuming she's paying) but that you'd like to have a bit of input in how it will be displayed.  Ask her to show you what she's got in mind - perhaps if she shows you a picture, you guys can talk about how to find a happy compromise?
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  • katanne9katanne9 member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I don't get it either.

    Is it a super small table? That's the only logical reason I could possibly see her having.
  • loopy82loopy82 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Her and my dad are paying for the cupcakes. That was mine and my FI's christmas gift after I said I was going to make cupcakes. Honestly I was super excited to be making them because I was going to have a bunch of fun flavors. Well then we got that. FI was all for it because he didn't think I needed to be making cupcakes right before the wedding.

    Well after a little bit of time went by I sent an email to my step mom telling here things that FI and I liked and asking some questions as to what she had in mind. Well I was told that they are coming from Sam's Club and if it wasn't good enough for me I didn't need to get the cupcakes and could just go do whatever it was that I wanted. (i.e. no cupcake contribution)

    She did send me a picture of what she had in mind for the holder. I mean its not bad. Its just a simple tower of circles that will hold the cupcakes. I was thinking of a more 'interesting' set up. I can not disagree with her because all hell will break lose.

    About a month back I got an email from my dad saying that step- mom was put off that I wasn't including her in more of the wedding planning. I really didn't do all that much "planning" everything pretty much fell into place. Our venue is where FMIL works, so we didn't go out visiting venues. Flowers are being done by FI's friend. We met with 1 photographer. The band is FI old co-worker. Step-mom took over cupcakes so there were no cake tastings. What does she want me to include her in? My dad also said that I should have brought her with dress shopping. My mother was buying my dress and her and step-mom DO NOT get along AT ALL. Yeah that would have gone over like a turd in a punchbowl. Oh and step-mom has a daughter my age that has not yet married (as well as 2 sons) so she has opportunities to be involved in wedding planning and its not just me. So because she didn't feel included in my wedding plans is why I had me invitation withdrawn to her birthday dinner.
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  • loopy82loopy82 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Kat - Nope, not a super small table. Space is not an issue. Actually the deserts will be spread out on a serpentine shaped table.
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  • katanne9katanne9 member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Eek. Sorry Loopy.

    I would just tell her to do whatever she wants with the cupcakes and call it a day.
  • loopy82loopy82 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011

    Yeah that is my plan. Just let her do what she wants. It's just when I go to reply to her email I see the email of her telling me my idea won't work. Then I get frustrated and too annoyed to respond to the email.

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  • Ana_2985Ana_2985 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    No offense but your step-mom sounds like she's 12.  I think you're handling everything really well though.  I'd be completely annoyed too.
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  • loopy82loopy82 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Ana - I completely agree with you. Because of my dad I have had to use all my willpower to not go completely ballistic on her. I've wanted to. I find the whole ordeal frustrating. I try to ignore all of this - then another email comes in.

    2 months, 2 weeks and 4 days.
    2 months 2 weeks and 4 days.

    That is what I think I need to keep repeating to myself.
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  • edited December 2011
    I think your Dad's asking too much.  If your Mom and Step-Mom don't get along (and honestly, probably can't blame them) then you absolutely would not want to go dress shopping with both.  Perhaps you can bring Step-Mom (and not Mom) to one of your dress fittings?  That way she'll feel involved.

    Fake the involvement - invite her for lunch, and talk about wedding stuff (not important details) and ask her opinion on things that you don't really care about (whether your programs should be square or rectangular, or have her manage your guest book.

    And try and remind yourself that you won't have to make cupcakes right before your wedding - and you probaby won't even have time to taste them!  As long as you don't HATE her idea, just try and take a deep breath and be the bigger person.  It won't make you any more or less married.
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  • edited December 2011
    Yeesh.  I like Meg's suggestions of ways to include her.  Other than that, all I can say is:  I'm sorry.  I think you're doing great!
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  • loopy82loopy82 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011

    I think where part of this issue is stemming from is that her and her daughter are BFF's and talk about everything. I just go and make decisions and do things. I am too impatient to wait around for input. I just want things to get done. In my nature I really don't think to go and call people to scrutinize what decision I am making. On some things yes. But a lot of this small stuff. I just go with it. Another thing with that is I like to be able to voice my opinion back to someone. With my mom or my friends if I ask their opinion and disagree with it. I can let them know. I can't with her. At all. Even beyond and before wedding things. I hate having to bit my tongue. I'm not necessarily all that good at it either.

    Good idea on the lunch thing, if I could handle the thought of her and I going to lunch together. Just can't picture it happening. Some people in this world just do not get along. I think we just happen to fall into that category.

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  • edited December 2011
    What a pain! I agree with PPs, she's being an adolescent about the whole thing. I don't think there is anything else you can do. If she's going to be like this just tell her to get whatever she damn well pleases and ignore the cupcakes altogether at the wedding! You're making the cheesecake pops so you know that there will something there that you want/like.
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  • edited December 2011
    If you don't get along then why in hell does she want to be so "included" in your wedding planning?!

    Ugh!  Some people!

    Yes, just let her do the stupid cupcakes.  If you can't even tolerate to have lunch with the woman, then it's not worth your time.  Unless it will impact your relationship with your Dad?  And if that bothers you, then maybe it's worth sucking up having lunch, if she'd go for it.  Otherwise, forget about that waste of space and forget the cupcakes.

    Some things (and people) are not worth worrying about.
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  • hetshuphetshup member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Question: Will the Sam's cupcakes even fit into those holders? The ones from Costco are huge and would not fit in that rack. I don't know if you dislike the the tower thing or if you're just annoyed she's acting like a twatwaffle, but there you go. 
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  • edited December 2011
    That sounds frustrating.  It's hard to say whether or not her wanting to be included is strange because it depends on how close you two are. 

    I love the first 2 pictures of the cake stands.  Would you rent them?  I've looked into buying them and they are pretty expensive.  
  • loopy82loopy82 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011

    Cate - Good question.

    Twatwaffle - Hetshup - you never fail to make me laugh.

    When I responded to my dad's email from last month I made a comment to him saying " You know her and I don't get along anyway." I don't know why she was trying to be involved so much. Like I said I tried to discuss the cupcakes with her and that went no where, so I can only imagine how other conversations would go. I imagine the same way. She never told me she wanted to be involved, so its not like I ignored her requests. We never do anything together anyway. Her and my dad have been together for roughly 8 years and married for 5. Of that, they were living out of state for 4 years. So, she really hasn't really even been in my life anyhow. So, I don't think it will really impact my father and I's relationship. Since they got together it hasn't been all that specactular anyhow.

    The Sam's Club cupcakes are the size of standard cupcakes. Speaking of costco I found out one is going up in my area. I'm excited.

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  • loopy82loopy82 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Goldie - I would rent them. They range from in price from $8 - $30/ piece to rent. So, not too horrible. I feel like they would fit the feel/ look of my venue really well.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-someone-understand-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2b71b485-c1e3-4580-860c-3ea5bee5bc1ePost:1ddc8d2b-4656-41e8-9646-ae0a3a16095a">Re: Can someone help me understand? (Rant)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Goldie - I would rent them. They range from in price from $8 - $30/ piece to rent. So, not too horrible. I feel like they would fit the feel/ look of my venue really well.
    Posted by loopy82[/QUOTE]
    That's not bad at all.  Like I said, I love the look.  I would definitely speak with her and let her know how important it is to you.  At the end of the day, if you can afford to pay yourself (or go with your original plan of making them) it might be better.  It sounds like she's being difficult.  
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-someone-understand-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:2b71b485-c1e3-4580-860c-3ea5bee5bc1ePost:ec7312bb-8d14-4850-8ccb-c60b18872868">Can someone help me understand? (Rant)</a>:
    [QUOTE]As I've said before the cupcake for my wedding have been taken over by my step-mom<strong>. I have been allowed virtually no input</strong>. I can decide on the frosting color. That is it. Whatever, I got over it. That is why I am having all the cake/cheesecake pops. Well she sent me an email with a basic tiered cupcake holder. Asked if I liked it or if I had any better ideas. We don't have any space constraints on the table where the deserts will be. I sent her these (to be spread out on the table -not stacked obviously): Finally: This can be fanned out so the plates are not overlapping. To this I was told that these won't work for displaying cupcakes and she will be using the tiered tower that she found. If you are going to blow off my opinion why did you even ask for it? Maybe there is something I am missing here. Does anyone else see how these will not work? Sorry this is kind of a dumb post. Dealing with these stupid cupcakes have gotten more and more frustrating has time has gone on. Far more than a cake product ever should be.
    Posted by loopy82[/QUOTE]

    Um, WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!? I get the idea that she should have <em>some</em> say, seeing as they are contributing to the cost of them, but shouldn't <em>you</em> have the final ok? Since when do you need permission to provide input for <em>your own wedding</em>?!?

    I know it's probably a little too late for this, but if I were you, I would say "thank you, but no thank you" and bake my own damn cupcakes.

    Sorry if this comes off a bit aggressive, but I'm so mad for you right now, I want to throat punch someone.

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  • loopy82loopy82 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Oceana - I am 150% with you! I completely agree that FI and I should get some input. She decided where they were coming from. The flavors - well doesn't provide much option seeing as where they are coming from. Neither one of us like frosting at all. Yes I know unfrosted cupcakes aren't pretty, but I asked if we get get a dozen or so unfrosted, because I know others that don't like frosting either, so I am certain they would get eaten. Her response to me was "You can wipe off the frosting." I was like It's my wedding! I didn't say it. I actually aksed her about the no frosting a few times. No go. I have no idea why she gets to determine everything. That really helped set up her not being involved. I want input in my wedding thank you very much.

    If I hadn't decided to make all the cake/cheesecake pops I would be all over making the cupcakes. Well, maybe. I think saying no to the cupcakes to her would create WWIII. Not kidding.
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  • desertsundesertsun member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-someone-understand-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2b71b485-c1e3-4580-860c-3ea5bee5bc1ePost:1569f14f-c893-4a80-a03f-8b874f252aa4">Re: Can someone help me understand? (Rant)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oceana - I am 150% with you! I completely agree that FI and I should get some input. She decided where they were coming from. The flavors - well doesn't provide much option seeing as where they are coming from. Neither one of us like frosting at all. Yes I know unfrosted cupcakes aren't pretty, but I asked if we get get a dozen or so unfrosted, because I know others that don't like frosting either, so I am certain they would get eaten. Her response to me was "You can wipe off the frosting." I was like It's my wedding! I didn't say it. I actually aksed her about the no frosting a few times. No go. <strong>I have no idea why she gets to determine everything</strong>. That really helped set up her not being involved. I want input in my wedding thank you very much. If I hadn't decided to make all the cake/cheesecake pops I would be all over making the cupcakes. Well, maybe. <strong>I think saying no to the cupcakes to her would create WWIII. Not kidding.</strong>
    Posted by loopy82[/QUOTE]

    <div>She gets to decide everything because you let her decide everything because you don't want to fight her.</div><div>
    </div><div>Loopy, I'm sorry, but I just want to shake you. I love you, but girl, you need to stop being so afraid of conflict!</div><div>
    </div><div>The woman is clearly a master manipulator.</div><div>
    </div><div>The only way to deal with people like that is to develop strong emotional boundaries. Here's a good article:</div><div><a href="http://www.livestrong.com/article/14718-building-healthy-boundaries/">http://www.livestrong.com/article/14718-building-healthy-boundaries/</a></div><div><font face="Arial, Helvetica" size="3" class="Apple-style-span" color="#000000"><span style="font-size:13px;line-height:normal;" class="Apple-style-span"><font face="Arial, sans-serif" size="3" class="Apple-style-span" color="#1F1F1F"><span style="font-size:11px;line-height:14px;" class="Apple-style-span">
    </span></font></span></font></div><div>It is OKAY to calmly and clearly articulate your wants and to stand up for them in a calm, rational, and FIRM way.</div><div>
    </div><div>If she gets upset about it, THAT IS HER ISSUE. Not yours!</div><div>
    </div><div>Even if other people around you pressure you to keep the peace by giving in to her, it is okay to say NO! Again, that is THEIR issue, not yours!</div><div>
    </div><div>You are not being a bitch.</div><div>
    </div><div>You are just standing up for what you want. As long as you do so in a respectful, calm, rational, firm way, how can that possibly be a bad thing? </div><div>
    </div><div>It is not selfish to have wants and needs and to articulate them. </div><div>
    </div><div>It is however incredibly disrespectful for others to disregard you and your wants/needs. </div><div>
    </div><div>There is always room for compromise, but part of compromise is LISTENING to the other person and finding a middle ground, and clearly, that is not happening right now.</div><div>
    </div><div>Please, PLEASE stand up to the woman. It's your WEDDING. You deserve to have what you want! (I mean this in the most non-pretty princess way possible, of course.)</div><div><span style="color:#000000;font-family:Arial, Helvetica;font-size:13px;line-height:normal;" class="Apple-style-span"></span></div>
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  • edited December 2011
    I think desert gave me some kind of similar splash-of-cold-water advice right before my wedding. I'm so glad you have our backs, desert.

    Loopy- DH and I each have a couple of people in our families who are miffed that they didn't get to be "involved" in the wedding. We didn't really need or want any more help than we had. Especially from too many different people. These people may or may not be speaking to us because they didn't feel important enough at OUR wedding.

    You cannot, CANNOT, never will, absolutely impossible, just can't please everybody. And if that person isn't interested in pleasing YOU on your wedding day, then I'd say you shouldn't worry about their feelings or conflicts. I know it seems like a good idea to do whatever it takes to avoid conflict. But on my wedding day I just didn't even look at those people I felt were unhappy about things. Not really on purpose. But I was way too busy being happy and married to worry one tiny bit about anyone else but Josh.

    Take a deep breath. You can let the cupcakes go and don't worry about them at all, or you can put your foot down and deal with the consequences. After what I've been through, I think putting your foot down may be better for your sanity in the long run.

    I thought I'd be a bridezilla if I got too bossy. But you know what? Sometimes, you need to be. Just because you're the bride doesn't mean you have to let people walk all over you to avoid being called a bitch.
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  • edited December 2011
    Desert and Jeana gave great advice.


    (hugs)  I am sorry that your step-monster is acting like she is 5. 
  • katanne9katanne9 member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Desert always cuts through all the blah-blah and gives great advice.

    Kudos Desert.
  • loopy82loopy82 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks girls. Well last night I sent her this email -
    "What about the silver square or round cake stands? I really liked the look of those. Mary has previously said that stands can be placed under the table cloths to create different levels."

    To which I got the response of:

    "We have decided, that it would be best for us to just give you the money we planned on spending on the cupcakes.  We will drop a check in the mail."
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  • edited December 2011
    Score!!!
  • edited December 2011
    Definitely score!  Though you will likely have to deal with hurt feelings.  Maybe send her a nice note, and try to do something to bridge the gap?  I know you don't like her, but she is your Dad's wife, so I'd hate to see this get between you and your Dad at all.
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  • loopy82loopy82 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011

    It is just with her that I don't get into arguemtns with because then I wouldn't have any sort of relationship with my father. He goes by whatever she says. It is ridiculous. I'm not a spineless person. I guess just with her. As stated above she really won't even accept my opinion.

    If you disagree with her then you're not allowed at family functions. Yup, my sis - in- law has been banned from their house. (granted I'm not much of a fan, but none the less.) I do want to be able to see my father and the rest of the family.

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  • loopy82loopy82 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    IT is a score in the fact that now FI and I can go and get whatever kind of cupcakes we darn well please. However, now I will have to deal with whatever reprecussions are going to be associated to her handing the cupcakes over to me.

    2 months, 2 weeks & 3 days to go!
    2 months, 2 weeks & 3 days to go!
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  • katanne9katanne9 member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Oh Loopy I'm so happy for you! Little victories!
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