Can someone help me understand? (Rant)

catemeg

Yeah, I'm sorry Loopy!  It sounds like you're in a tough spot with her, all the more reason to try to bridge the gap.

My grandmother is the most manipulative, self focused person I've ever met.  She skipped my graduation party because my Mother suggested it wouldn't be a good idea for her to "set the record straight" with her other grandchildren (backstory: grandma and aunt don't talk, thus grandma has no relationship with grandchildren, and would definitely badmouth their mother).  Every holiday she's supposed to spend with her husband's side of the family (4th husband, btw) she has a mysterious illness that makes her unable to travel so he has to stay home with her.  Yeahhh....

That short backstory to tell you I know what it's like to deal with irrational family members.  It sucks, but you really do have to suck it up.  Take it in small doses - call her once in awhile just to say hi and see how she's doing (even if you don't want to) but have a fabricated reason why you have to cut it short ("Oh, just got to the grocery store, so I've got to let you go.  Talk to you soon!").  Or that lunch date I suggested.  A little bit of work might make the situation a lot better.

loopy82

Can I just opt for booze? Doesn't that make everything better? J/K. I know something should be done.

dwest2201

Wow, very good advice from Desert and Jeana... I can't even imagine how difficult it must be to deal with this woman!

 I would like to say a couple things though... 1) It is probably in your best interest to not be making tons of cupcakes right before the wedding simply because you will already be extremely busy and stressed out.  2) It is not right for her to give a "gift" like that to you and your FI then dictate everything about it rather than consider your wants for your wedding day. 

I would try to tell her what you would like politely and say that you really appreciate the offer to help and that you would like the following... flavor(s), icing color(s), display if possible and that if those don't work that you understand but appreciate her considering what you would like to have for your big day but if it doesn't work that your sure that she will come up with something that will look great and match the wedding colors/theme and that of course if you have questions about what we like feel free to ask.  Hopefully she sees that you are graciously accepting her offer and even complimenting that you believe she is fully capable of doing it on her own but that you would appreciate being apart of the decision since its your wedding day.


Also, "twatwaffle" made me LOL!   Thanks Hetshup!

dwest2201

Well damn, I was waaay late... guess that's what I get for leaving the window open to reply and not refreshing before finally responding hours later! 

Anyways... Congrats on having the control over the cupcakes yourself.  And good luck with the step-mom.  I think that a nice thank you card after you receive the money will be nice... follow that up with a thank you to them as well as others who helped with the wedding stuff at the rehearsal dinner.

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-someone-understand-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2b71b485-c1e3-4580-860c-3ea5bee5bc1ePost:81c9939b-c0c8-4e68-ae86-ea732ba2934e">Re: Can someone help me understand? (Rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]It is just with her that I don't get into arguemtns with because then I wouldn't have any sort of relationship with my father. He goes by whatever she says. It is ridiculous. I'm not a spineless person. I guess just with her. As stated above she really won't even accept my opinion. <strong>If you disagree with her then you're not allowed at family functions.</strong> Yup, my sis - in- law has been banned from their house. (granted I'm not much of a fan, but none the less.) I do want to be able to see my father and the rest of the family.
Posted by loopy82[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>That is just so wrong, loopy. I don't think you're spineless at all. You're in such an impossible situation, with your father feeding into your step mom's emotional blackmail. I can't even imagine not being allowed to see my dad because I voiced my opinion about my own damn wedding. :(</div><div>
</div><div>I do maintain however that this is an unhealthy situation that isn't going to get better unless you do something. </div><div>
</div><div>Have you tried talking to your dad about it?</div><div>
</div><div>My only other suggestions is to consider some therapy. Even if she and your dad won't participate, a professional might have some good suggestions for how you can best deal.</div><div>
</div><div>::hugs::</div><div>
</div>

loopy82

I sent my dad an email this morning asking what the heck I did now. He didn't give me much to go off of, other than by him being the go between things were getting mixed up in translation. At first he told me to send her the email I sent him. My first reaction, was "Are you sure thats a good idea?" Afer a few emails back and forth it was decided that I should just ignore the topic for a few days to "let things blow over."

I was asking FI earlier if he thinks my dad doesn't see her being irrational or if he just ignores it. He thinks my dad is just standing by her becuase she is her wife but he has to see it because my dad isn't stupid. Sorry, but there are sometimes when blood should come first. She has drastically changed my father and I's relationship. I rarely see them. Since day 1 she was around, I feel like I have been the bad guy. (To run the risk of sounding childish, but it becomes quite apparent at Christmas when I get a curling iron and her daughter gets a coach purse.)  Honestly, couldn't tell you why things have turned out the way they have. I'm not leaving things out to make me look better. I never lived with them, so its not like I was ever that horrendous teenager that wouldn't behave or what have you. I've learned to deal with it. Luckily, they lived out of state for a while and I saw them max of once a year. It made life very easy then.

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-someone-understand-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2b71b485-c1e3-4580-860c-3ea5bee5bc1ePost:5e0bfb1f-a928-41db-ad85-b19d908b6889">Re: Can someone help me understand? (Rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]I sent my dad an email this morning asking what the heck I did now. He didn't give me much to go off of, other than by him being the go between things were getting mixed up in translation. At first he told me to send her the email I sent him. My first reaction, was "Are you sure thats a good idea?" Afer a few emails back and forth it was decided that I should just ignore the topic for a few days to "let things blow over." I was asking FI earlier if he thinks my dad doesn't see her being irrational or if he just ignores it. He thinks my dad is just standing by her becuase she is her wife but he has to see it because my dad isn't stupid. Sorry, but <strong>there are sometimes when blood should come first</strong>. She has drastically changed my father and I's relationship. I rarely see them. Since day 1 she was around, I feel like I have been the bad guy. (To run the risk of sounding childish, but it becomes quite apparent at Christmas when I get a curling iron and her daughter gets a coach purse.)  Honestly, couldn't tell you why things have turned out the way they have. I'm not leaving things out to make me look better. I never lived with them, so its not like I was ever that horrendous teenager that wouldn't behave or what have you. I've learned to deal with it. Luckily, they lived out of state for a while and I saw them max of once a year. It made life very easy then.
Posted by loopy82[/QUOTE]

I totally agree with you on the above.

It makes me really mad at your dad, and I imagine you're mad, too. Or at least hurt.

Maybe for now it's easier to just try to let it all roll off your back.

Honestly, it sounds to me like she is a very insecure person with self esteem issues.

In her current state, she probably isn't really capable of healthy relationships.

Your dad enabling her this way is certainly not, IMO, healthy.

What about having a heart to heart with your dad and just being totally honest and letting him know that you feel like he's basically choosing her over you?

He is probably rationalizing away what he's doing with his enabling, but if you confront him with how it's affecting you, he may not be able to do so any longer, and maybe you could then convince him to more actively try to build a healthier relationship between all of you.

Just a thought.

Sorry if I'm being too psycho-analytical. You probably just wanted to vent and instead I go all hard ass on you. :) I truly hope what I'm saying is helpful, b/c that is honestly how I mean it. I know it's always harder to be IN this kind of situation. Continue being strong, lady! ::big hugs::

oceana919

Oh honey, this is good news! Now you have the freedom to do what you want

Some options/thoughts:

1) You can pre-make cupcakes and freeze them. Thaw out a day or two before, and have an icing party (for those that you want to ice) and crank them out.

2) Make a giant cupcake (they have pans for those now at BB&B) or make two cupcakes for you and FI to do the cake cutting/traditional stuff, and make dessert be the cake/cheesecake pops and different trays of cookies/candy/petit fours/etc. You could easily make those in advance and freeze, or you can order some and make some.

3) Everybody ships loopy a box of homemade cupcakes. WIN!

loopy82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-someone-understand-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:2b71b485-c1e3-4580-860c-3ea5bee5bc1ePost:47566263-ae9b-4ee1-96f3-c5fa27e25510">Re: Can someone help me understand? (Rant)</a>:
[QUOTE] 3) Everybody ships loopy a box of homemade cupcakes. WIN!
Posted by oceana919[/QUOTE]

Yay! I LOVE this option!

Honestly the first thing I thought of when she said that she was going to mail me a check was: "Now I  get to go on cake tastings!" I was kind of said I was missing out on that. I know that I really like the cupcakes from an upsacale grocery store around here. They add almond flavoring to their cake batter and it is absolutely delicious!

Desert - I totally get where you are coming from. It makes sense and generally sounds, to an extent, like what I would probably tell one of my friends. I don't think you're being all hard ass.

This post turned into far more of a bitch fest than I was originally intending it to be.

I am really thankful for all your advice and support girls. It really does mean a lot!

jeanacorina

I totally understand that even a "victory" like getting money instead of having her make your decisions for you comes at a cost. I hope things cool off.

But if they don't, you're not alone. Many of us have been in very similar situations. But at the end of the day, you'll be married. With or without cupcakes.

Just don't make them yourself right before the wedding. TRUST ME you'll be busy and wound up enough!

loopy82

Up until this display thing I had written off the cupcakes and didn't really care about them. They really aren't even the issue, its all the other darn drama. I know that cupcakes do not impact my day one way or another. They can just serve as a very tasty addition to the day.  

Bring on the cake tastings! Eating a bunch of cake makes you feel better right?

Goldlie11

Wow, Loopy, your step mom sounds like a peach.  I'm glad you won this battle though.  

Acrosthec

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-someone-understand-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:2b71b485-c1e3-4580-860c-3ea5bee5bc1ePost:ccc778de-efce-47e4-b4de-13eeffc6ae92">Re: Can someone help me understand? (Rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can someone help me understand? (Rant) : The woman is clearly a master manipulator. The only way to deal with people like that is to develop strong emotional boundaries. Here's a good article: <a href="http://www.livestrong.com/article/14718-building-healthy-boundaries/" rel="nofollow">http://www.livestrong.com/article/14718-building-healthy-boundaries/</a> It is OKAY to calmly and clearly articulate your wants and to stand up for them in a calm, rational, and FIRM way. If she gets upset about it, THAT IS HER ISSUE. Not yours! Even if other people around you pressure you to keep the peace by giving in to her, it is okay to say NO! Again, that is THEIR issue, not yours! You are not being a bitch. You are just standing up for what you want. As long as you do so in a respectful, calm, rational, firm way, how can that possibly be a bad thing?  It is not selfish to have wants and needs and to articulate them.  It is however incredibly disrespectful for others to disregard you and your wants/needs.  There is always room for compromise, but part of compromise is LISTENING to the other person and finding a middle ground, and clearly, that is not happening right now. Please, PLEASE stand up to the woman. Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

Desert you have no idea how much *I* needed to read that (for a completely NWR matter).  Thank you!

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-someone-understand-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2b71b485-c1e3-4580-860c-3ea5bee5bc1ePost:385eb821-48d1-480e-82f9-b1257c695010">Re: Can someone help me understand? (Rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can someone help me understand? (Rant) : Desert you have no idea how much *I* needed to read that (for a completely NWR matter).  Thank you!
Posted by Acrosthec[/QUOTE]

I'm glad it helped! :)