Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Not Engaged Yet
Not Engaged Yet
New Discussion
Options

Mixed Signals

ashleyjo09ashleyjo09 member
First Comment
in Not Engaged Yet
Good Morning! This is the first time I've posted on this site, but I wanted to see if you girls could give me an unbiased opinion.

My BF and I have been dating almost 6 months and our relationship has moved very quickly (he told me he loved me after 3 weeks and met my parents after 4 weeks), but things are going great. We pretty much live together, his family loves me, my family loves him...blah blah blah. And where I know it may sound weird, we have already talked about marriage and want to get married.....but the question is when. I'm a very impatient person. BF has been engaged twice, but both girls cheated on him. He is older than I am, but everything works well. I realize that I still have a lot of growing up to do, but I know I want to marry him. I'm 22 but have always acted older than my age. I've graduate from college and have a good job, as well as he does.

Which brings me to my dilemma, I brought up how long he is going to make me wait to get engaged and he says "2 years and 10 months." I said "REALLY?? 2 years!" He responds with "2 years and 9 months." So it kinda sounds like he's joking, but I can't tell. I know he stayed engaged to one girl 7 years before they officially broke-up for good so it's not commitment issues. And BF is REALLY good at keeping secrets and loves to surprise me. (He once woke me up at 7am, told me to pack my bags, and 3 hours later we were in Ocracoke, NC!).

So my question is....do you think he's really going to make me wait 2 years or is he planning something sooner and just doesn't want me to suspect anything? Or do I just need to suck-it-up and be patient? (And no, this isn't MUD)
Report Reply to Post
«1

Re: Mixed Signals

  • Options
    Button5807Button5807
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'd say 6 months is way too soon to be even thinking about marriage with someone who has been engaged twice. For your sake I hope he's waiting two years to propose so you have time to get to know him, maybe then you won't be asking strangers to tell you what your bf is thinking.
    image image image image 
    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    katanne9katanne9 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry, your post is setting red flags off all over my brain. You've only been dating for 6 months. I'm not saying you don't have a nice relationship, but you are trying to move things way too fast. You need to relax and enjoy your relationship.

    Your BF has been engaged twice before. I know you said both gfs cheated on him, but still - I don't know if rushing into a 3rd engagement is a great idea either. Especially if he was engaged to one girl for 7 years - doesn't that mean red flag to you? Clearly he didn't know with her for a long time, so why would you want to rush into this?

    You say yourself you are impatient. Two years really isn't that long. BF and I will have been together for 4 years when we get married, some times it feels long, other times it feels short. We knew we wanted to get married after 8 months.

    You asked for an unbiased opinion, so I'll give it to you. You need to slow down and enjoy your relationship. I'm glad he surprises you, but I hope he does wait 2 years because it sounds like you need it.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    ashleyjo09ashleyjo09 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I'm the first person he's dating since breaking up with the 7-yr engagement 5 years ago so I don't think HE is rushing....but your are both right. I guess I am just rushing into things and need to slow down and enjoy "us" time. Thank you.

    Report Reply
  • Options
    oceana919oceana919
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011

    There are some major red flags waving in my brain after reading that, but I'll try to answer your question as best I can...

    Due to medical issues and family hardships during the first few months of my relationship with my BF, our relationship developed rather quickly as well. We told each other we loved each other about two months in, and we're living together by five months in. We've now been together over a year and a half, have been talking marriage for several months now, and we're still not engaged yet. And for us, that's totally fine. Even though our relationship progressed quickly, we needed that time as a couple to really get to know the ins and outs of oen another - what makes us tick, our viewpoints on marriage, children, careers, etc. 

    My suggestion to you is six months in, most couples are not ready to be engaged, period. I would take a step back, enjoy the time in your relationship where you are still getting to know one another, and hold off on getting engaged for a little while. When the time comes for you to actually enter a marriage, you'll have a strong foundation to build upon.

    As for one big red flag standing out in my mind...you said he's been engaged twice, and one of the girls he was engaged to for seven years, and you mentioned he's older than you. How old is he, that he was engaged for seven years, after waiting two years to propose (and was able to get engaged again)?

    On a final note, and I do mean this as advice in the kindest way possible:

    I'm 22 but have always acted older than my age.

    That phrase will nine times out of ten get you labeled either BSC or MUD on this board. It literally sets of warning bells in the girls' brains around here. Fair warning.

    Best of luck to you...

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    "Oceana swings from logical to anus punching." - Buttons

    Planning / Married / Blog

    Report Reply
  • Options
    Button5807Button5807
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    So the SECOND time he got engaged was 12 years ago?
    You do know that you were 10 at the time, right?
    image image image image 
    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    katanne9katanne9 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sorry, I know this isn't exactly related, but I'm curious. How old is he? He was in a 7 year relationship that ended 5 five years ago and he was engaged another time before that?
    Report Reply
  • Options
    AcrosthecAcrosthec
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    He broke off a 7 year engagement 5 years ago?  And this was his second engagement?  How old is he, if you don't mind me asking?  I'm guessing at least in his 30s, unless he was engaged before the age of 18 twice.

    It does sound like he's joking with the changing the time span each time you ask, but I'm with the others.  He may actually feel like he needs that time to get to know you after his two previously failed engagements.  I would give him the time he needs.  Even if he did propose, it's likely he may want another long engagement, so you'd still have to wait to get married.  You're still young, so there's no hurry, or there shouldn't be, on your part.  If you're committed to eventually getting married, a piece of jewelry isn't going to make that big of a difference, so just enjoy the time you have together and don't push him to be engaged before he's ready.  He'll just resent you for it.. 

    Six months isn't too soon to be talking about the possibility of getting married; FI and I were doing that six months into our relationship.  But he didn't propose until we'd been together 2.5 years, and we'll have been together almost 3.5 when we get married.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    Married Bio
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic My first love.

    Me: 31 DH: 30

    TTC since 10/2010. 2012: HSG showed unicornuate uterus on right side; both kidneys and both ovaries present. High risk for preterm labor, IUGR, and C-Section. Dx'd Hypothyroidism.
    1st BFP: 10/27/12, cycle before we had planned to see RE
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Pregnancy Blog
    Report Reply
  • Options
    redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I see several red flags.

    The Big one for me is:

    If you can't have a frank discussion about a time line, I don't think you guys know each other well enough. Everyone jokes, but when important issues come up you should be able to sit down & have a very honest talk.

    Plus

    [QUOTE]how long he is going to make me wait to get engaged [/QUOTE] &
    [QUOTE] do you think he's really going to make me wait 2 years [/QUOTE]

    It makes me think he has all the power in the relationship & that is not good. You should be equal partners.

    Plus, all of the other reasons list by pps.

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

    image
    *This is Not Legal Advice*
    Report Reply
  • Options
    pinkpinotpinkpinot member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm going to ignore all the other stuff and try to answer your question:

    how long he is going to make me wait to get engaged ?

    You can't put a time frame on when to expect an engagement.  Each relationship is different, some people move fast and others slow. 

    The most important thing for you to understand is if he truly wants to be engaged to you &  married some day.  If the answer is yes, then just be patient because he will ask you when he wants to.

    Or you could propose to him. 

    image
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    noelle24noelle24
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mixed-signals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:449dce95-2e4b-42cd-8190-bfb9801228efPost:d8369964-8d78-4b89-80c0-94b1f103a242">Mixed Signals</a>:
    [QUOTE]BF has been engaged twice, but both girls cheated on him. [/QUOTE]

    Let me see if I have this right....He's been engaged twice, once for 7 years, and that was 5 years ago.  Soooo...his second engagement was 12 years ago.  So unless he was engaged before the age of 18, broke up and immediately got engaged to girl #2, he's at least 10 years older than you.

    You were TEN the last time this man got engaged.

    EWWWWW.

    That is all.
    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    notquiteblushingnotquiteblushing member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I have nothing to add other then I miss knowing when someone is online or not.
    TTC since 07/11 Me: 32 AO PCOS/DH: 32 Lowish count/motility IUI#1-3 = BFN (Clomid, Clomid-->Femara, Injects) IVF#1 ER on 9/24 19 ER/19 M/9 F w/ICSI Transferred a 5AA and a 5BB on 9/29 Beta 10/9 = 139 Beta 10/11 = 287
    imageimageAlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers

    My Blog

    Report Reply
  • Options
    pinkpinotpinkpinot member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mixed-signals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:449dce95-2e4b-42cd-8190-bfb9801228efPost:ac916788-426a-4803-b8bc-66009ef3e81f">Re: Mixed Signals</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have nothing to add other then I miss knowing when someone is online or not.
    Posted by notquiteblushing[/QUOTE]

    Me too! I also miss when the threads I comment on turn bold so I know someone responded.  Unless I am missing something and it will still do that now.
    image
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    Ana_2985Ana_2985 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mixed-signals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:449dce95-2e4b-42cd-8190-bfb9801228efPost:ddcd43c6-d283-4778-8cab-84043c16dd80">Re: Mixed Signals</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mixed Signals : Me too! I also miss when the threads I comment on turn bold so I know someone responded.  Unless I am missing something and it will still do that now.
    Posted by pinkpinot[/QUOTE]

    I miss it too.  Also, the bold thing works for me if I keep hitting the refresh button.

    Alright fine I will add something- if I were you I would move on.  You're only 22 and it's only been 6 months and I wouldn't want to take a chance on an old guy who's been engaged to other people the majority of my life.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Report Reply
  • Options
    oceana919oceana919
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    This post is starting to sound more and more like an episode of The Young and the Restless.

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    "Oceana swings from logical to anus punching." - Buttons

    Planning / Married / Blog

    Report Reply
  • Options
    RedMinxRedMinx member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mixed-signals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:449dce95-2e4b-42cd-8190-bfb9801228efPost:d8369964-8d78-4b89-80c0-94b1f103a242">Mixed Signals</a>:
    [QUOTE]do you think he's really going to make me wait 2 years [/QUOTE]

    My question is...can you not WAIT the 2 years?  What is the rush? You have only been together for 6 months. Enjoy it!

    I agree with everyone that has advised you to enjoy the time you have together and make the most out of your relationship.  It is way too early to start stressing about being "made to wait".  Best of luck.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    Button5807Button5807
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If you're friends with someone u can go to the friends page and it shows u who is online.
    image image image image 
    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    babybchbumbabybchbum member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Just go with the flow of it. Don't rush him, if its meant to be then it will happen.

    I've had a friend who was in a similar situation before and it was good that she let things work out the way they did because the guy ended up being the WRONG one for her. ( I'm not saying your guy is the WRONG one, but the infatuation phase still hasn't worn off yet)

    I wish you the best of luck & patience. Smile
    ClickinMoms.com
    Planning Bio | Married Bio
    Family Blog
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    sapphirebaby926sapphirebaby926
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    2 years really isn't that long and besides you've only been in this relationship for 6 months. DH and I started talking about the possibility of marriage at about the 6 month mark but he didn't propose to me until after we had been dating for 2.5 years and we've been together for just over 3 now. Since you're asking this question it tells me that you don't really know him well enough yet. You should just sit back and enjoy the relationship right now and spend time really getting to know eachother.
    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    Report Reply
  • Options
    ashleyjo09ashleyjo09 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you all for your input.

    And yes....BF is 15 years older than me. And I know everyone is going to say hes WAY to old for me, but for now it works. My mother thought the same thing until she met him. (plus, my parents are 10 years apart). So please don't judge until you know us or have been in the situation. And I will say, he doesn't look his age at all.

    Final decision....grow up and be patient. It'll happen when it's meant to happen. Thanks for not being too hard on me.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    oceana919oceana919
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mixed-signals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:449dce95-2e4b-42cd-8190-bfb9801228efPost:a01ad970-fb6f-4c58-acb4-037172d2f2f3">Re: Mixed Signals</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you all for your input. And yes....BF is 15 years older than me. And I know everyone is going to say hes WAY to old for me, but for now it works.
    Posted by ashleyjo09[/QUOTE]

    ::jaw meets desk::

    I am not one to immediately jump on someone's back about age difference (BF and I are six years apart), but 15 years is a <em>huge</em> age difference. Especially at 22, regardless of how much older you've always acted.

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    "Oceana swings from logical to anus punching." - Buttons

    Planning / Married / Blog

    Report Reply
  • Options
    ashleyjo09ashleyjo09 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mixed-signals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:449dce95-2e4b-42cd-8190-bfb9801228efPost:476d11b0-095c-4116-a637-cb7be215ed38">Re: Mixed Signals</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mixed Signals : ::jaw meets desk:: I am not one to immediately jump on someone's back about age difference (BF and I are six years apart), but 15 years is a huge age difference. Especially at 22, regardless of how much older you've always acted.
    Posted by oceana919[/QUOTE]

    I realize this and I was VERY skeptical at first, and would say the EXACT same thing if it was anybody else, but once you get to know me and him and see us together, it doesn't seem like the age gap is that big. Call it naive or whatever you want, but I'm comfortable with it and our families is comfortable with it. But thank for you the concern.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    noelle24noelle24
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE]BF is 15 years older than me. And I know everyone is going to say hes WAY to old for me, but for now it works. My mother thought the same thing until she met him.[/QUOTE]

    Anyone else having flashbacks to stargazertechie and that other chick? You know, the one who was 22 dating her 40 yro BF who was cheating on her with a married woman?

    IMO, a 37 yro man who is dating a 22 year old girl has serious problems.  ESPECIALLY if he's been engaged TWICE before.  How much can he have in common with someone who just got out of college?

    I don't care how mature you are.  I was always very mature for my age, but hell, at 26 I don't think I'd date a 41 year old man.   The thought is just creepy. 
    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    pinkpinotpinkpinot member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ashley - how/where did you meet him?
    image
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    ashleyjo09ashleyjo09 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mixed-signals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:449dce95-2e4b-42cd-8190-bfb9801228efPost:eab864cb-657b-43ba-b69f-fd40c5aa9b7f">Re: Mixed Signals</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ashley - how/where did you meet him?
    Posted by pinkpinot[/QUOTE]

    At work, he's my bosses friend. We just started talking when he stopped by the office. A few weeks later he asked me to dinner and now we are dating.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    ashleyjo09ashleyjo09 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mixed-signals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:449dce95-2e4b-42cd-8190-bfb9801228efPost:84a57791-674e-4801-abb5-916607a5ea61">Re: Mixed Signals</a>:
    [QUOTE]Anyone else having flashbacks to stargazertechie and that other chick? You know, the one who was 22 dating her 40 yro BF who was cheating on her with a married woman? IMO, a 37 yro man who is dating a 22 year old girl has serious problems.  ESPECIALLY if he's been engaged TWICE before.  How much can he have in common with someone who just got out of college? I don't care how mature you are.  I was always very mature for my age, but hell, at 26 I don't think I'd date a 41 year old man.   The thought is just creepy. 
    Posted by noelle24[/QUOTE]

    I couldn't agree more...it's not for everybody! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />And if it's not your cup of tea, I respect that.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    katanne9katanne9 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    WIth OR without the age difference, my concerns still stand.

    This is even more reason for you to take this slowly.

    :)

    Report Reply
  • Options
    jeanacorinajeanacorina
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mixed-signals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:449dce95-2e4b-42cd-8190-bfb9801228efPost:d8369964-8d78-4b89-80c0-94b1f103a242">Mixed Signals</a>:
    [QUOTE] My BF and I have been dating almost 6 months[/QUOTE]

    Congratulations, you're still well within the "honeymoon" period. ENJOY IT.

    [QUOTE] I'm a very impatient person. [/QUOTE]

    Well, me too.

    [QUOTE] BF has been engaged twice[/QUOTE]

    That's probably still weighing on his mind, and it should be on yours, too.

    [QUOTE] I realize that I still have a lot of growing up to do[/QUOTE]

    Good, because at 22, you really do have a lot of growing up ahead of you. It's not a bad thing, it's life. Enjoy being a young adult!

    [QUOTE] do you think he's really going to make me wait 2 years? [/QUOTE]

    I sincerely hope so, because 2 years would be on the lower end of how long you guys should wait. Longer if possible. It takes a lot of time to get to know someone, especially with an enormous age gap. I was engaged to a guy 8 years older than me, and it took me 3 years to figure out how far apart we really were. Thank goodness I figured it out before we got married!

    [QUOTE] Or do I just need to suck-it-up and be patient?[/QUOTE]

    Yes. Yes you do. Exactly.

    You seem nice. And you seem to be handling the honesty well. DO NOT RUSH. There is no reason in the world to rush this relationship. Enjoy it. Have fun. Be in love. I know it's hard being naturally impatient, but sometimes you just have to be an adult and do what's best for yourself.

    I am not saying your relationship is doomed or anything. I am just saying that if you are so mature, then you need to sit yourself down and convince yourself that it IS risky. Because it is. Statistics are against you. Be level-headed and make completely sure this is THE GUY for you.

    And doing that can't be done in 6 months. The more time you spend getting to know him, and letting him get to know you, and learning what the subtle differences are and how to handle them, the better for both of you.

    Besides-- the guy has proposed to the wrong girl TWICE. Let him decide when he's ready to put his heart on the line again. You might be sure, but he's been burned not once, but twice. He has every right to be cautious.
    Anniversary
    Report Reply
  • Options
    desertsundesertsun member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Bravo on taking everyone's comments so well! That, more than anything else you could say, has got my respect. 

    The previous engagments and the age difference would make me hesitant to date someone, personally. And that's why I would also advise that you try to relax and not stress about when the proposal will happen. It can't possibly hurt your relationship, if it's strong and true, to wait a while longer.

    To help with impatience, keep in mind that once the proposal happens, it's over, and you'll never be able to look forward to it again. Thinking that always helps me get back into enjoying the present instead of getting wrapped up in what will happen down the road.

    Best of luck with everything. Stick around on the board, if you like, and keep us updated on how your relationship develops! :)

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


    Report Reply
  • Options
    jeanacorinajeanacorina
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_mixed-signals?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:449dce95-2e4b-42cd-8190-bfb9801228efPost:70f70f72-36e5-4635-acbc-f480988356f0">Re: Mixed Signals</a>:
    [QUOTE] keep in mind that once the proposal happens, it's over, and you'll never be able to look forward to it again.
    Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

    That is SO TRUE.

    As happy as I am that we are FINALLY getting married, I did enjoy the suspense in the last few months before FI proposed. I don't get that suspense anymore. It was so exciting (and incredibly HAPPY).

    You'll never get this time back, so don't rush ahead!
    Anniversary
    Report Reply
  • Options
    Button5807Button5807
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Since you're obviously not BSC because you didn't freak all I have to say is Good Luck.
    image image image image 
    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards