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Momma Habits

Ok I have a great relationship with my BF's family. I love all of them, and they love me as far as I know. :) I understand that my BF is the youngest and he is the only son. His mom buys his groceries, washes his clothes, buys his toliletries, buys his clothes.

Now, take into consideration he is still in college, but he is 22 going on 23. He doesn't have a washer/dryer where he lives, he is taking a full load of classes all summer long. Plus he works as soon as he gets out of class. He is also in the worship band at church and runs the sound there. He is a very busy guy.

I have noticed that anytime he cooks for me that he calls his mom if he doesn't know something. Sometimes if I tell him something he will ask his Mom about it. LIke he is trying to make sure I was right.

Am I being cold hearted about all this, or would it kind of bother you ladies too? I think it will change a lot when we get engaged, but what if it doesn't? He has already mentioned that he doesn't want us to be dependant on our families at all, so that makes me think it will change soon.

Comments?
Wedding Countdown Ticker "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day." -The Notebook
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Re: Momma Habits

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    marleylikeairmarleylikeair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think you're right, that this will naturally fade away with time. My BF loves his independence and would never dream of letting his mom do this stuff for him, but if his parents lived closer, and he didn't have a washer/dryer, I'm sure his mom would offer. That's just how his family is, at least the older generations: very traditional when it comes to domestic stuff. BF told me that once, he stayed at his grandmother's for a few days during a family gathering, and did his own laundry, which totally confused the females in the family, at least those his parents' age or older.

    If I were cooking for my BF and didn't know what to do, I'd probably call my mom or my grandma. Just FWIW.

    To answer your question, yes, this would bug me a little, but I think as you two grow together more, it'll subside.

    How long have you been together? How close does he live to his parents? How close do you live to each other?
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    ravenrayravenray member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Hate to break it to you but just because you get engaged/married does not mean anything changes.  Have you talked to your BF about this?  I know I call my mom a lot when I am cooking to make sure I am doing it right.  I wouldn't be too offended because he wants to make sure it turns out as good as his mom's food does. I wouldn't worry about it but if it bothers you talk to him.  I doubt he is doing it on purpose.
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

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    laceesethlaceeseth member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_momma-habits?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4615afd0-a862-4fb0-8a0b-0412b38461f0Post:a38c4447-765c-4e73-9b14-ee32fa8aa0f9">Re: Momma Habits</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think you're right, that this will naturally fade away with time. My BF loves his independence and would never dream of letting his mom do this stuff for him, but if his parents lived closer, and he didn't have a washer/dryer, I'm sure his mom would offer. <font color="#993300">That's just how his family is, at least the older generations: very traditional when it comes to domestic stuff. </font>BF told me that once, he stayed at his grandmother's for a few days during a family gathering, and did his own laundry, which totally confused the females in the family, at least those his parents' age or older. If I were cooking for my BF and didn't know what to do, I'd probably call my mom or my grandma. Just FWIW. To answer your question, yes, this would bug me a little, but I think as you two grow together more, it'll subside. How long have you been together? How close does he live to his parents? How close do you live to each other?
    Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]

    His mom has always been a "stay at home mom". She has always cooked, cleaned, washed, and all of that for the whole family. One time he griped about me using the dishwasher because sometimes it doesn't get things as clean as when you hand wash them. I calmly said that I am very busy with school, intership, and work (this was a few months ago before I graduated and got a job), and I don't have time to hand wash everything. We also discussed that his mom only had to do those things so she could dedicate time to it.

    You are right about calling my parents. I still call my parents too. I shouldn't have brought that up about when he cooks. But I will mention it to him about when he calls her to "check" on what I told him.

    We both live close to our families. He lives 30 minutes away from his family and we see them at least once a week. I live in the same town as my family. Seth lives 25 minutes away from me. So we are all close in proximity.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day." -The Notebook
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    laceesethlaceeseth member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_momma-habits?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4615afd0-a862-4fb0-8a0b-0412b38461f0Post:a512ee97-c71b-490a-884a-fe2f92553251">Re: Momma Habits</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hate to break it to you but just because you get engaged/married does not mean anything changes.  Have you talked to your BF about this?  I know I call my mom a lot when I am cooking to make sure I am doing it right.  I wouldn't be too offended because he wants to make sure it turns out as good as his mom's food does. I wouldn't worry about it but if it bothers you talk to him.  I doubt he is doing it on purpose.
    Posted by ravenray[/QUOTE]

    Yeah you are right. I shouldn't have even mentioned that. I know he just wants it to be good. The thing that bothered me was when I tell him something and he calls his mom like he needs a second opinion about it or something.

    I don't think he is doing it on purpose either. I think the clothes thing and all that he just lets her do it because he has homework every night and it is one less thing he has to do for now...hopefully.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day." -The Notebook
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    ravenrayravenray member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_momma-habits?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4615afd0-a862-4fb0-8a0b-0412b38461f0Post:7ebe4066-5443-48ee-8b86-b72c6693627b">Re: Momma Habits</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Momma Habits : Yeah you are right. I shouldn't have even mentioned that. I know he just wants it to be good. The thing that bothered me was when I tell him something and he calls his mom like he needs a second opinion about it or something. I don't think he is doing it on purpose either. I think the clothes thing and all that he just lets her do it because he has homework every night and it is one less thing he has to do for now...hopefully.
    Posted by laceeseth[/QUOTE]

    <p style="margin:0in 0in 10pt;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';color:#1f1f1f;font-size:8.5pt;">The cloths thing doesn't really bother me.  I work full time in the summer and go to school full time in the fall/spring.  I bum food and washing cloths off my family regularly.  It is hard when you are so busy to make time for the little things.  I wouldn't worry about that.  Just next time he does the call his mom thing when you told him the answer  say "Hey, you it really bothers me that you don't believe me.  Why?  Can you not do it please?"  :)</span></p>
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

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    edited December 2011
    I love that my FI is so independent.  I have dated momma's boys before, and I hated how they always had to check in with mom about everything.  it's wonderful knowing that FI and I are a team.  we work together.  sometimes we ask our parents for guidance (me more than him).  I've had to learn to trust him on some things instead of calling my mom and dad to ask them...  sometimes it blows up in our face and we end up getting pizza because we ruined dinner.  but we're learning together as one unit, and it's wonderful. 

    sometimes one of us will say, "well my mom/dad did it this way"...  but one thing we learned from pre-marital counseling is just because your parents did something a certain way doesn't make it the only way, or even the best way.  it's so freeing, knowing that we get to create our own family and our own customs and traditions.  it's one of my favorite parts about creating a new (albeit smaller) family.

    my FI talks to his mom almost every day.  she lives in NM, we live in OK.  when she does visit, she tends to really get in our business.  if it gets to be too much, FI tells her to please back off just a little bit.  it's really nice that they have contact and keep up with each other but still maintain healthy boundaries.  she knows that I am his lady now and that our new family (each other) have to come first.  my family has more blurred boundaries, but we're working on that.

    it's possible he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.  it's possible he's a little bit lazy and likes having things done for him (sometimes my FI can be like this!)  but his mom has been his main lady for a lot longer than you have, and it's tough to make the transition.  he's going to slip up but I think that if he is aware of it and makes conscious efforts to be independent and cut the strings, then you're okay. 
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    laceesethlaceeseth member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_momma-habits?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4615afd0-a862-4fb0-8a0b-0412b38461f0Post:bebf88ae-895d-466b-87a8-8359198286da">Re: Momma Habits</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Momma Habits : The cloths thing doesn't really bother me.  I work full time in the summer and go to school full time in the fall/spring.  I bum food and washing cloths off my family regularly.  It is hard when you are so busy to make time for the little things.  I wouldn't worry about that.  Just next time he does the call his mom thing when you told him the answer  say "Hey, you it really bothers me that you don't believe me.  Why?  Can you not do it please?"  :)
    Posted by ravenray[/QU

    Good point. I didn't look at it that way. ALl through college I bummed off of my parents. I guess now that I live on my own and am out of school I expect him to do his own laundry. Wow that was hypocritical. lol.

    I will for sure ask him not to that anymore. It's a little thing, but it does get under my skin. Thanks! :)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day." -The Notebook
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    Ollie08Ollie08 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I've had to deal with this with BF as well. His mom was always a stay-at-home mom and she was the caretaker of the family. His dad passed away in 2005 and she has no one really to take care of and it kills her. He knows it bothers me, but I do understand that she is the caretaker personality and needs to do this, so I just ask him to set some limits.

    And I agree with PP, nothing will change because you get engaged or get married. The only time it will change is if you have a conversation with him about this.


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    marleylikeairmarleylikeair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hmmm. Now that you mention that his parents live 30 min away, this does seem kind of odd. I was picturing them living like 5 minutes away.

    However, I can understand why his mom is doing this if she's just always done it, and in addition, he doesn't have a W/D.

    I would just take things one baby-step at a time. I think that the issue of him calling his mom to check after he's already asked you about it is worth bringing up with him. That would definitely bug me.

    I noticed that in two posts in a row, you say you "shouldn't have said" the thing about him calling his mom. Don't worry about this! If something bugs you and you want to bounce it off of the girls here, hey, that's what we're here for. Smile I think if after another year or so, he's still calling his mom every time he cooks, that might be weird, but if it naturally decreases over time, you're fine.
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    laceesethlaceeseth member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_momma-habits?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4615afd0-a862-4fb0-8a0b-0412b38461f0Post:8fb20ced-2431-447d-9caf-692b69bfe606">Re: Momma Habits</a>:
    [QUOTE]I love that my FI is so independent.  I have dated momma's boys before, and I hated how they always had to check in with mom about everything.  it's wonderful knowing that FI and I are a team.  we work together.  sometimes we ask our parents for guidance (me more than him).  I've had to learn to trust him on some things instead of calling my mom and dad to ask them...  sometimes it blows up in our face and we end up getting pizza because we ruined dinner.  but we're learning together as one unit, and it's wonderful. <strong> sometimes one of us will say, "well my mom/dad did it this way"...  but one thing we learned from pre-marital counseling is just because your parents did something a certain way doesn't make it the only way, or even the best way.</strong>  it's so freeing, knowing that we get to create our own family and our own customs and traditions.  it's one of my favorite parts about creating a new (albeit smaller) family. my FI talks to his mom almost every day.  she lives in NM, we live in OK.  when she does visit, she tends to really get in our business.  if it gets to be too much, FI tells her to please back off just a little bit.  it's really nice that they have contact and keep up with each other but still maintain healthy boundaries.  she knows that I am his lady now and that our new family (each other) have to come first.  my family has more blurred boundaries, but we're working on that. it's possible he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.  it's possible he's a little bit lazy and likes having things done for him (sometimes my FI can be like this!)  but his mom has been his main lady for a lot longer than you have, and it's tough to make the transition.  he's going to slip up but I think that if he is aware of it and makes conscious efforts to be independent and cut the strings, then you're okay. 
    Posted by CocoBellaF[/QUOTE]

    We both have struggled with saying "Well my parents do it this way." We got in a fight once about how to make sweet tea! haha. We are still working on that.

    I think my BF has gotten used to getting those things done for him. Before we got together he lived on his own and did all of his own shopping, washing, cleaning, but now he is used to his mom doing it for him again. You're right about his mom being in his life longer than me. It will be a transition, but I know that he wants us to be independent. We both have to work on cutting strings with our families. A work in progress...
    Wedding Countdown Ticker "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day." -The Notebook
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    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_momma-habits?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4615afd0-a862-4fb0-8a0b-0412b38461f0Post:220dc6ab-2d5a-4f9e-aad0-2f8b6e87d2d1">Re: Momma Habits</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Momma Habits : [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Momma Habits : The cloths thing doesn't really bother me.  I work full time in the summer and go to school full time in the fall/spring.  I bum food and washing cloths off my family regularly.  It is hard when you are so busy to make time for the little things.  I wouldn't worry about that.  Just next time he does the call his mom thing when you told him the answer  say "Hey, you it really bothers me that you don't believe me.  Why?  Can you not do it please?"  :) Posted by ravenray[/QU Good point. I didn't look at it that way. ALl through college I bummed off of my parents. I guess now that I live on my own and am out of school I expect him to do his own laundry. Wow that was hypocritical. lol. I will for sure ask him not to that anymore. It's a little thing, but it does get under my skin. Thanks! :)
    Posted by laceeseth[/QUOTE]


    Raven is right on point here.

    On the flipside- I was actually the one who used to call my dad for things- like when my car broke. One day after calling about a headlight, Andrew told me gently, "You know- you have me in your life now. I can do those things."

    Duh. Of course he could. I just needed to be told.
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    marleylikeairmarleylikeair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Also, WOW to the thing where the BF complained about you not hand-washing. Just wow. Coming from a guy who doesn't do his own laundry?! Was he hand-washing dishes, or even putting them in the DW, or were you doing it all?

    It sounds like you guys worked it out just fine, but that would have bugged the crap out of me.

    It just sounds like he's used to VERY traditional male/female roles around the house. I'm sure he'll eventually realize, with gentle guidance from you, that those traditional rules aren't always going to fly. Tongue out
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    laceesethlaceeseth member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_momma-habits?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4615afd0-a862-4fb0-8a0b-0412b38461f0Post:6462d2f8-b33a-4905-9644-16cbcaa448d0">Re: Momma Habits</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hmmm. Now that you mention that his parents live 30 min away, this does seem kind of odd. I was picturing them living like 5 minutes away. However, I can understand why his mom is doing this if she's just always done it, and in addition, he doesn't have a W/D. I would just take things one baby-step at a time. I think that the issue of him calling his mom to check after he's already asked you about it is worth bringing up with him. That would definitely bug me. I noticed that in two posts in a row, you say you "shouldn't have said" the thing about him calling his mom. Don't worry about this! If something bugs you and you want to bounce it off of the girls here, hey, that's what we're here for.   I think if after another year or so, he's still calling his mom every time he cooks, that might be weird, but if it naturally decreases over time, you're fine.
    Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]

    Well the town that he lives in is also where their church is. So when they go to church on Sundays and Wednesdays they pick up his laundry.

    I'm glad I have a place to vent. I can't talk to my best friend about it because my best friend happens to be his older sister! Talk about a conflict of interest. lol.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day." -The Notebook
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    edited December 2011
    sometimes, when I noticed FI was getting behind on laundry during his last semester (he was working 2 PT jobs, student teaching 40-60 hours a week, and going to evening classes) I would go over to the house and do his laundry, clean his dishes, pack some lunches and leave some cookies on the counter.  he couldn't believe it...  he really loved that I was taking care of him like that.  he also takes care of me (pulls in my car every night because I'm too lazy, cleans the dishes off the table, dries while I wash the dishes, rubs my legs and feet at the end of the day, runs all kinds WR and NWR errands for me)...  it's a great arrangement!

    now he's perfectly capable of doing his own laundry, but he HATES to do it.  it's his least favorite chore.  and I hate to clean bathrooms and pull my car in at the end of the day.  so I take care of all the laundry (for the most part, he will do it when I'm really busy) and he takes care of cleaning the bathrooms (when I tell him to, haha) and pulling in my car every night.

    if you're worried about his mom being too involved, maybe you could start showing some small ways that you take care of him.  most likely he will lighten up on needing his mom, and start returning the favor and doing things for you!  my FI's favorite are pre-packed lunches and clean laundry.  we also go grocery shopping together, even though we don't live together yet, and split the groceries. 

    or maybe he just needs a good kick in the butt, like my little bro.  he LOVES having mom do everything for him and he's not ashamed.  :)
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    edited December 2011
    good thought lunar!  and it is a transition that can take a lot of work, from being dependent/semi-dependent on parents or other parental figures and learning to rely and depend on your SO.  it's a little scary sometimes!
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    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Also, when Andrew and I moved in together- into a 525 sq. ft apartment- we had no choice but to talk about chores and how we wanted to divide them up. And we didn't have a dishwasher!

    One thing we decided that whoever cooked wouldn't have to to the dishes.

    I think sometimes people think that domestic chores and how the household runs will just figure themselves out- but a lot of times they don't. You'll actually have to sit down and discuss them.

    When Andrew was little, his mother would cook a nice Sunday breakfast- and then they would all do their own chores afterwards. Seemed to have worked out nicely.

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    laceesethlaceeseth member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_momma-habits?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4615afd0-a862-4fb0-8a0b-0412b38461f0Post:9a59de9d-7ff3-4cab-bfe4-867696237032">Re: Momma Habits</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also, WOW to the thing where the BF complained about you not hand-washing. Just wow. Coming from a guy who doesn't do his own laundry?! Was he hand-washing dishes, or even putting them in the DW, or were you doing it all? It sounds like you guys worked it out just fine, but that would have bugged the crap out of me. It just sounds like he's used to VERY traditional male/female roles around the house. I'm sure he'll eventually realize, with gentle guidance from you, that those traditional rules aren't always going to fly. 
    Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]

    He is actually REALLY good about washing my dishes. A lot of times he will cook supper and then wash all the dishes. He got to where he will load the dishwasher instead of hand washing it. (guess he realized how long it took) HA!

    He mentioned before that if I wanted to be a stay at home mom then he would be OK with that. I told him I had no desire to be a caretaker for the rest of my life. It is a very honorable job and rewarding, but it's not for me. I'm a teacher so I wanna teach. :)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day." -The Notebook
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    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_momma-habits?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4615afd0-a862-4fb0-8a0b-0412b38461f0Post:9dac0b03-1d27-4cc7-a296-85d8fa302383">Re: Momma Habits</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Momma Habits : He is actually REALLY good about washing my dishes. A lot of times he will cook supper and then wash all the dishes. He got to where he will load the dishwasher instead of hand washing it. (guess he realized how long it took) HA! He mentioned before that if I wanted to be a stay at home mom then he would be OK with that. I told him I had no desire to be a caretaker for the rest of my life. It is a very honorable job and rewarding, but it's not for me. I'm a teacher so I wanna teach. :)
    Posted by laceeseth[/QUOTE]

    I totally want to be a stay at home mom and would adore being a caretaker for the rest of my life, but I just don't think andrew and I could afford it.

    Maybe I can work a part time job in the morning?

    I have to admit- because of my caretaking ways- I've had to learn that I can't do it all, while working. Andrew has to help- and he does help. I now know that he is totally capable of cleaning- and he'll probably always put away his clean clothes- and even fold them- which is FINE by me! LOL

    Oh P.S. Andrew is totally applying for a job right now. Guess all he needed was a day of civilization.
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    edited December 2011
    I would love to be a SAHM/SAHW but I'm the primary breadwinner (my job naturally pays more than his) so it's impossible.  it was hard to give up that dream.  we don't get maternity leave with the government so I'm saving up all the sick leave I can until we have a baby so I can stay home.  or I might be able to telework from home part-time.  we'll see!
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    IrishDreamerIrishDreamer member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    I have to say, I bum laundry off my FMIL every now and then, simply because I just don't have the time..especiallly with how often SO goes through clothes in the summer...yeaaaah.

    I still call my grandma and grandpa when I want to double check something, grandpa for cars and handyman stuff, grandma for cooking/cleaning.

    SO and I had gone round and round aobut him calling his mom to "double check" something I've said...which used to bother me, but I realized, his mom was a home economist...and so SO is almost paranoid (he's calmed down a lot since we've been together) about expiration dates/sold by dates/ how to properly clean things...etc etc.... Now, i just let it go.... I realize that it's a small thing, and if it helps shut his paranoia up...I can deal lol.

    I would just talk to him... a conversation like that would only help you guys understand where the other is at better :)

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    laceesethlaceeseth member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_momma-habits?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4615afd0-a862-4fb0-8a0b-0412b38461f0Post:206823f7-0663-4316-9b80-372d33b11efd">Re: Momma Habits</a>:
    [QUOTE]sometimes, when I noticed FI was getting behind on laundry during his last semester (he was working 2 PT jobs, student teaching 40-60 hours a week, and going to evening classes) I would go over to the house and do his laundry, clean his dishes, pack some lunches and leave some cookies on the counter.  he couldn't believe it...  he really loved that I was taking care of him like that.  he also takes care of me (pulls in my car every night because I'm too lazy, cleans the dishes off the table, dries while I wash the dishes, rubs my legs and feet at the end of the day, runs all kinds WR and NWR errands for me)...  it's a great arrangement! now he's perfectly capable of doing his own laundry, but he HATES to do it.  it's his least favorite chore.  and I hate to clean bathrooms and pull my car in at the end of the day.  so I take care of all the laundry (for the most part, he will do it when I'm really busy) and he takes care of cleaning the bathrooms (when I tell him to, haha) and pulling in my car every night. if you're worried about his mom being too involved, maybe you could start showing some small ways that you take care of him.  most likely he will lighten up on needing his mom, and start returning the favor and doing things for you!  my FI's favorite are pre-packed lunches and clean laundry.  we also go grocery shopping together, even though we don't live together yet, and split the groceries.  or maybe he just needs a good kick in the butt, like my little bro.  he LOVES having mom do everything for him and he's not ashamed.  :)
    Posted by CocoBellaF[/QUOTE]

    That is a great idea Coco!!! I have tried doing these things.(having dinner cooked when he gets off work, picking him up flip flops that he needed, leaving sweet notes on his truck). Maybe it will help. He is good about helping me. He cleans out my pool, gives me massages, etc. I just want to know that we will depend on eachother more than our parents.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day." -The Notebook
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    laceesethlaceeseth member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_momma-habits?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4615afd0-a862-4fb0-8a0b-0412b38461f0Post:6a870045-910a-491a-a524-c20b1c43dd6e">Re: Momma Habits</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have to say, I bum laundry off my FMIL every now and then, simply because I just don't have the time..especiallly with how often SO goes through clothes in the summer...yeaaaah. I still call my grandma and grandpa when I want to double check something, grandpa for cars and handyman stuff, grandma for cooking/cleaning. SO and I had gone round and round aobut him calling his mom to "double check" something I've said...which used to bother me, but I realized, his mom was a home economist...and so SO is almost paranoid (he's calmed down a lot since we've been together) <strong>about expiration dates/sold by dates/ how to properly clean things...etc etc....</strong> Now, i just let it go.... I realize that it's a small thing, and if it helps shut his paranoia up...I can deal lol. I would just talk to him... a conversation like that would only help you guys understand where the other is at better :)
    Posted by IrishDreamer[/QUOTE]

    This is crazy! My BF is sooo paranoid about that stuff too. It drives me nuts! I will cook something and eat it as a left over 2 days later and he asks me if it's still "good". Oh my goodness.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day." -The Notebook
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    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_momma-habits?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4615afd0-a862-4fb0-8a0b-0412b38461f0Post:d271fe1c-e54d-4e7a-8624-88e2a0f8d47c">Re: Momma Habits</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Momma Habits : That is a great idea Coco!!! I have tried doing these things.(having dinner cooked when he gets off work, picking him up flip flops that he needed, leaving sweet notes on his truck). Maybe it will help. He is good about helping me. He cleans out my pool, gives me massages, etc. I just want to know that we will depend on eachother more than our parents.
    Posted by laceeseth[/QUOTE]

    I think this is something that will definitely be resolved in premarital counseling in your church- if not before. I'm pretty confident you'll be able to tackle this little hurdle. I imagine they will bring up this passage- and you can even mention it to your BF too-
    <font size="2">
    "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
    </font><font size="2">--Genesis 2:24"
    </font>
    But could you imagine telling this a non-religious guy? They would have a cow. LOL. I can only imagine.
    LilySlim Weight loss tickers
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    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_momma-habits?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4615afd0-a862-4fb0-8a0b-0412b38461f0Post:2c3d64da-179f-4d77-b48a-0b0d61227d09">Re: Momma Habits</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Momma Habits : This is crazy! My BF is sooo paranoid about that stuff too. It drives me nuts! I will cook something and eat it as a left over 2 days later and he asks me if it's still "good". Oh my goodness.
    Posted by laceeseth[/QUOTE]

    Andrew's parents eat things WAY older then I do. I typically play by the three day rule with leftovers...and they'll eat something like cooked chicken a week later. It totally wigs me out.

    I'm learning to say, "It's not wrong. It's just different."
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    laceesethlaceeseth member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_momma-habits?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4615afd0-a862-4fb0-8a0b-0412b38461f0Post:380ccd0e-ccce-4ea5-9556-fbb8615a17c9">Re: Momma Habits</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Momma Habits : I think this is something that will definitely be resolved in premarital counseling in your church- if not before. I'm pretty confident you'll be able to tackle this little hurdle. I imagine they will bring up this passage- and you can even mention it to your BF too- "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. --Genesis 2:24" But could you imagine telling this a non-religious guy? They would have a cow. LOL. I can only imagine.
    Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

    Thanks Lunar. I love that verse. I think it is essential to do that in a marriage!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day." -The Notebook
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    laceesethlaceeseth member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_momma-habits?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4615afd0-a862-4fb0-8a0b-0412b38461f0Post:4ad759b1-6617-4d7f-a087-7e61c568b35f">Re: Momma Habits</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Momma Habits : Andrew's parents eat things WAY older then I do. I typically play by the three day rule with leftovers...and they'll eat something like cooked chicken a week later. It totally wigs me out. I'm learning to say, "It's not wrong. It's just different."
    Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

    Nice..."It's not wrong. It's just different." I'll have to use that one! :)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day." -The Notebook
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    marleylikeairmarleylikeair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_momma-habits?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4615afd0-a862-4fb0-8a0b-0412b38461f0Post:9dac0b03-1d27-4cc7-a296-85d8fa302383">Re: Momma Habits</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Momma Habits : <strong>He is actually REALLY good about washing my dishes. A lot of times he will cook supper and then wash all the dishes. He got to where he will load the dishwasher instead of hand washing it.</strong> (guess he realized how long it took) HA! He mentioned before that if I wanted to be a stay at home mom then he would be OK with that. I told him I had no desire to be a caretaker for the rest of my life. It is a very honorable job and rewarding, but it's not for me. I'm a teacher so I wanna teach. :)
    Posted by laceeseth[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Good stuff. Glad to know he's not expecting you to do everything just because his mom did!</div><div>
    </div><div>My thinking is that sure, if you wanted to be a SAHM, that's sort of your job and it makes sense for you to do most or all of the housework, but if you're working or in school, and he's working or in school, it makes perfect sense that you both do housework.</div><div>
    </div><div>What do you teach?

    </div>
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    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_momma-habits?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4615afd0-a862-4fb0-8a0b-0412b38461f0Post:bfb43ed7-1d9e-4c9d-b0c1-f42f59e5d816">Re: Momma Habits</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Momma Habits : Thanks Lunar. I love that verse. I think it is essential to do that in a marriage!
    Posted by laceeseth[/QUOTE]

    Hopefully he'll interpret it as being that the phone needs to be on the hook too! LOL! I think first in a marriage you need to turn to one another- if you can't find a solution together- then you can contact other sources for assistance, but that's just my opinion.
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    laceesethlaceeseth member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_momma-habits?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4615afd0-a862-4fb0-8a0b-0412b38461f0Post:aee7645a-7daa-4d09-b15a-e44bf6f8c725">Re: Momma Habits</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Momma Habits : Good stuff. Glad to know he's not expecting you to do everything just because his mom did! My thinking is that sure, if you wanted to be a SAHM, that's sort of your job and it makes sense for you to do most or all of the housework, but if you're working or in school, and he's working or in school, it makes perfect sense that you both do housework. What do you teach?
    Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]

    I teach fourth grade. I will be teaching either math or writing this year. I will find out tomorrow!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day." -The Notebook
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_momma-habits?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4615afd0-a862-4fb0-8a0b-0412b38461f0Post:72a8247b-70f9-46ba-adaa-54f85a6976d4">Re: Momma Habits</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Momma Habits : Hopefully he'll interpret it as being that the phone needs to be on the hook too! LOL! I think first in a marriage you need to turn to one another- i<strong>f you can't find a solution together- then you can contact other sources for assistance</strong>, but that's just my opinion.
    Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

    this is what we practice, and it generally works wonderfully for us.  we try to figure it out, and then we decide if we want/need to get some outside help.
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