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Not Engaged Yet
polkadot111
member
UPDATE!!!
Well we had a long discussion last night. I'm honestly not sure if anything was really solved, but I told him how I was feeling. I told him that he should be wanting to spend every moment with me when I am home since we only see eachother a few days per month since we're LD. He brought up the fact that I need to spend time with my family when I'm home (since it's rare I come home- usually he comes to visit me). I agree that I do need to spend time with my family, but said that's not the point- he should WANT to spend every moment with me since we rarely see each other. In the end, he saw what I meant and said that he does want to spend every moment with me, but doesn't NEED to if I want to see my family or whatever, that's fine.
Then we talked about this weekend, and he admitted he was wrong, and he said he will hang out with me all day Sunday (other than church in the morning because he sings up front with his brother which is fine). But then he brought up the fact that his dad got tickets to a comedian for Sunday night (ummm...) and said that he really wants to go. I asked if I was invited, and he didn't know. Then I asked if I am not invited, will you still go without me? He said no, he wouldn't because I'm home. However, it feels like he was just saying that and that during the comedian thing he'll be all grouchy because he didn't go, and I don't want to feel like I forced him to stay home and watch a movie with me. I feel like he doesn't WANT to spend all day every day with me when we're together, which bothers me. I feel like he just is doing that this weekend because I'm pissed off. But, I dont know. Maybe he actually does want to...
I don't know what to do right now. Although we had a good conversation, nothing was really 'solved'. Oh, I suggested (I think yaga or desert suggested it?) that when I am home we don't need to have 'plans', our whole weekend is automatically planned to be together (at least that's how it should be). So, if someone asks either of us to hang out or what they're doing, our answer should be that our fiance is home so we'd see them after they left since we don't see each other often. I told him that if it's something important, we can discuss, but I cannot be TOLD what he is doing especially when I'm only home for the weekend. He seemed to understand.
In the end, we hugged, I cried, and I left. I'm not really sure what to do because I don't know if he is just 'saying' he understands but really he doesn't care and thinks he shoudl be able to spend time with whoever whenever even though I'm only home a few weekends a month? I don't know. I guess throughout the weekend I'll see how real he is about it.
Then we talked about this weekend, and he admitted he was wrong, and he said he will hang out with me all day Sunday (other than church in the morning because he sings up front with his brother which is fine). But then he brought up the fact that his dad got tickets to a comedian for Sunday night (ummm...) and said that he really wants to go. I asked if I was invited, and he didn't know. Then I asked if I am not invited, will you still go without me? He said no, he wouldn't because I'm home. However, it feels like he was just saying that and that during the comedian thing he'll be all grouchy because he didn't go, and I don't want to feel like I forced him to stay home and watch a movie with me. I feel like he doesn't WANT to spend all day every day with me when we're together, which bothers me. I feel like he just is doing that this weekend because I'm pissed off. But, I dont know. Maybe he actually does want to...
I don't know what to do right now. Although we had a good conversation, nothing was really 'solved'. Oh, I suggested (I think yaga or desert suggested it?) that when I am home we don't need to have 'plans', our whole weekend is automatically planned to be together (at least that's how it should be). So, if someone asks either of us to hang out or what they're doing, our answer should be that our fiance is home so we'd see them after they left since we don't see each other often. I told him that if it's something important, we can discuss, but I cannot be TOLD what he is doing especially when I'm only home for the weekend. He seemed to understand.
In the end, we hugged, I cried, and I left. I'm not really sure what to do because I don't know if he is just 'saying' he understands but really he doesn't care and thinks he shoudl be able to spend time with whoever whenever even though I'm only home a few weekends a month? I don't know. I guess throughout the weekend I'll see how real he is about it.
Used to be bourgehm. +1,500 posts. Silly knot
This discussion has been closed.
Re: UPDATE!!!
And when we were long distance? There were definitely times when I was home and spent it with my family and not the boyfriend. When he visited me, he spent the time with me because he didn't know anyone else there, but at home, when family was an option? That's kinda a big deal.
I know it's not the same because I'm not apart from my boyfriend now, but I think it's really important to not smother each other during your engagement. You want him to want to marry you at the end of the engagement, ya know?
Have fun at home this weekend! And don't worry about when FI is with your or isn't with you - the point is he's happy you're home. That's all that matters
[QUOTE]I admit that I didn't read the previous post, but I think it's a bit crazy to expect your fiance to be with you every second that you're home. Even though my boyfriend and I live together, we spend time apart regularly. And when we were long distance? There were definitely times when I was home and spent it with my family and not the boyfriend. When he visited me, he spent the time with me because he didn't know anyone else there, but at home, when family was an option? That's kinda a big deal. I know it's not the same because I'm not apart from my boyfriend now, but I think it's really important to not smother each other during your engagement. You want him to want to marry you at the end of the engagement, ya know? Have fun at home this weekend! And don't worry about when FI is with your or isn't with you - the point is he's happy you're home. That's all that matters :)
Posted by Blue & White[/QUOTE]
Read the other post.
CN: I don't expect him to be with me EVERY second. The issue is that when I'm home (it's my birthday weekend, that's the issue here), he said he wants to spend all day Sunday watching football with his brother when we only see each other a few days a month. I think this is ridiculous, especially on my birthday weekend.
[QUOTE]I admit that I didn't read the previous post, but I think it's a bit crazy to expect your fiance to be with you every second that you're home. Even though my boyfriend and I live together, we spend time apart regularly. And when we were long distance? There were definitely times when I was home and spent it with my family and not the boyfriend. When he visited me, he spent the time with me because he didn't know anyone else there, but at home, when family was an option? That's kinda a big deal. I know it's not the same because I'm not apart from my boyfriend now, but I think it's really important to not smother each other during your engagement. You want him to want to marry you at the end of the engagement, ya know? Have fun at home this weekend! And don't worry about when FI is with your or isn't with you - the point is he's happy you're home. That's all that matters :)
Posted by Blue & White[/QUOTE]
<div>Blue, you should have read the other post. Sunday is Hope's birthday day & her FI 'TOLD' her that he was going to spend the day watching football with his brother -- who he sees on a regular basis. Hope & her FI see each other only a couple days per month & I think expecting to spend those couple days together is totally normal & what should happen, especially when one of those days is her birthday.</div>
I think I'm going to go look for the original post though - then I might get it.
Life is good today.
Life is good today.
Anyways, I get your point the he should WANT to spend the whole time with you, you are hardly home/with him. But maybe because of this distance, he is more comfortable dividing his time than you. I literally calculate how much time it has been since the last time I did something without FI, before accepting or considering to accept invitations that don't include him. Which I find silly at times...
I think you feel the way you feel and that is alright. And good for you for expressing it to him. That is EXTREMELY important.
ETA: Ohhhh yea its your birthday weekend! He is wrong and you are right.
That being said, I'd be the one watching football. But probably not at the boyfriend's fam's house - I'm way the heck allergic to their cat
Happy birthday, Hope! (almost)
Regardless, don't let what your FI does (or doesn't do) this weekend upset you. It's your birthday, try to have fun!
[QUOTE]<strong>Yea, this makes a little more sense because it's Hope's birthday weekend. Is it possible your FI is trying to be somewhat secretive about other plans? </strong>Sure, it's a crappy way to go about it, but you never know. That being said, I'd be the one watching football. But probably not at the boyfriend's fam's house - I'm way the heck allergic to their cat :( Happy birthday, Hope! (almost)
Posted by Blue & White[/QUOTE]
Doubt it. This boy is not a secret one when it comes to surprises... And he doesn't really see the point of celebrating this weekend obviously since he was telling me it's dumb that my birthday turns into a whole weekend of a sanctified holiday (I said that in the other post). So I doubt it.
[QUOTE]I honestly skipped the other thread yesterday because I thought it was something else, but I did go back and read it. While I agree that he was out of line in the way he treated you, I also think that you overreacted a little bit. <strong>If this is something that he does every Sunday with his brother, then he may not have realized what was going on. </strong>LD is hard, you obviously know that, but even when Jeremiah and I were only an hour and a half apart, we spent time apart. Often. Granted, we aren't the best example. But still. He had time with his friends and I had time with my friends, and sometimes we didn't watch football together. Usually because I couldn't afford to drive to MD. Give it some time, talk about it some more (once you've calmed way down), and write out a list of the things that are bothering you. I know you're stressed out, but give it time. And you can always call me dear <3
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]
Yeah, he didn't because it's something he does with his brother all the time. I just figured since it's my birthday that he'd want to do something just the two of us Sunday. I guess mostly his comment just really caught me off gaurd. His brothers text especially.
[QUOTE]I don't agree with this part, at all. Part of being in a healthy relationship is being able to spend time with other people as a couple (and on your own). What I suggested was that you guys have a discussion about your plans for the weekend - "So and so is having a thing at their house Friday night, would you be interested?" and coming up with some sort of plan that works for both of you. It's fine to do things separately. (Especially if it's just for a couple of hours one day/night.) If you start declining invitations from your friends or his friends just because you're in town, then you'll quickly lose those friends. I do agree that he should have thought about the fact that it's your birthday this weekend. I think he needs to realize it's also not okay for his brother to be texting you like that. I just don't think you need to go to the other extreme and now demand that every single second of your weekend together needs to be spent just the two of you.
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]
You're right! I suppose maybe that came off bad since I agree with you. I'll have to check up with FI tonight and clarify what I said. Because yes, it's not wrong for either of us to spend a few hours apart. And I do want him to check with me if something comes up without just automatically saying no. I was more talking about the brother situation and watching football on this Sunday (since it's my birthday). But yes, I'm going to clear that up with him because it could have come off as he can't see his brother EVER or anyone when I'm home. Which isn't the case. I truly do enjoy hanging out with other people together (and apart), but I dont like to be told what we're doing, rather it should be a discussion.
The "sanctified holiday" thing is rude as hell too. Some people's birthdays matter to them, some don't. I happen to be someone who makes a big deal out of birthdays - EVERYONE'S birthday. If you make a big deal out of his, he should make a big deal out of yours - because it matters to you. He's being selfish. It's not so much the birthday, football, time spent together argument - it's the much bigger picture that you said, "Hey, this matters to me", and he responded with, "I don't really care, I want to do what I want to do." He seems to have taken that back, but it appears to have been a bit grudgingly at best.
I would have been a bit disappointed by this talk as well, but like Cunning said, it was a very good first step. It's good that he at least started to see it the way you needed him to, and I guarantee it will sink in even further for him. See how the weekend goes, and do something just for you somewhere in there. Happy almost birthday!!
[QUOTE]<strong>I think it's a step in the right direction, but I honestly think you need to sit back and see how he acts this weekend. </strong> Keep your plans as they were as far as hanging out with your family and friends and see how much of an effort he makes to make time for you. <strong>Part of your conversation kind of sounded like he was just agreeing to placate you, but not really getting why you were upset.</strong> I think you will eventually need a few more talks about this issue to make him 'get it', but at least it sounds like he's willing to listen, so like I said...step in the right direction.
Regardless, don't let what your FI does (or doesn't do) this weekend upset you. It's your birthday, try to have fun!
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]
I particularly agree with the bolded parts.
I do think that part of this has to do with your ages and a lack of previous serious relationships. I joke that it was easier to figure out our relationship because my DH had already been 'trained' by previous girlfriends. I think that the biggest thing that relationships can give you is an education about how to be in a relationship and learning what type of relationship you want. (I am not saying you have to be in lots of relationships to know these things but that being in other relationships before it truly matters helps.)
I also think that it is hard for people to change their internal wants/inclinations. Deep down, no matter what he does this weekend I would still be hurt that this was his first inclination. It would lead me to have many doubts about what the future holds. I would be proceeding with caution. Major caution.
A marriage is a partnership. It isn't one person calling the shots or even one person constantly checking with the other. We make plans together but we also very rarely say 'no.' It has more to do with what our schedules look like and what we have going on. Even when we first started dating, this is how we were. This is how both of us viewed relationships. I have friends who are in relationships where neither of them view it that way and it works for them. It is all about being on the same page and having the same expectations.
You deserve someone who has the same expectations as you do. You deserve to be in a relationship where you will not be put on the back burner or made to feel like you come second to others. You deserve to have someone who makes you a priority... and stands up to those who say otherwise (aka his brother.)
I hope you have a fabulous weekend.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: UPDATE!!! : I particularly agree with the bolded parts. I do think that part of this has to do with your ages and a lack of previous serious relationships. I joke that it was easier to figure out our relationship because my DH had already been 'trained' by previous girlfriends. I think that the biggest thing that relationships can give you is an education about how to be in a relationship and learning what type of relationship you want. (I am not saying you have to be in lots of relationships to know these things but that being in other relationships before it truly matters helps.) I also think that it is hard for people to change their internal wants/inclinations. Deep down, no matter what he does this weekend I would still be hurt that this was his first inclination. It would lead me to have many doubts about what the future holds. I would be proceeding with caution. Major caution. A marriage is a partnership. It isn't one person calling the shots or even one person constantly checking with the other. We make plans together but we also very rarely say 'no.' It has more to do with what our schedules look like and what we have going on. Even when we first started dating, this is how we were. This is how both of us viewed relationships. I have friends who are in relationships where neither of them view it that way and it works for them. It is all about being on the same page and having the same expectations. You deserve someone who has the same expectations as you do. You deserve to be in a relationship where you will not be put on the back burner or made to feel like you come second to others. You deserve to have someone who makes you a priority... and stands up to those who say others (aka his brother.) I hope you have a fabulous weekend.
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]
Thanks Mutley! Yes, I wonder if it's partly because he's 23. I have decisions to make, and I am proceeding with lots of caution. Because if he just doesn't WANT to make me a priority, then that's not what I deserve.
[QUOTE]I'm a bit mobbed at work....and everyone else has given good advice. So this is what I have to offer:
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]
Lunar I <3 you. and I have to agree with this statement because I have nothing valuable to add to this conversation.
[QUOTE]A good conversation is a good first step. Problems don't always get solved immediately, so I would kind of feel out how it goes for awhile and reflect.
Posted by becunning2[/QUOTE]
I agree wtih becunning. It SOUNDS like a step in the right direction to me, but give it some time and see how it goes. And enjoy your weekend!
I also like Mutley's point that it's a partnership. I think you sound most upset that you're being left out of plans and you want to act like a couple, whereas he wants to act more independent as an individual.
I do disagree that either of you should decline invitations from friends just because your SO is coming home. It may be a different story if you only saw each other once every 6 months or something, but that isn't the case. I do, however, think that if it is possible it may be a nice compromise to try to all hang out together.
I agree with the PPs who said to see how he acts this weekend.
[QUOTE]Dammit. I need to re-learn how to be concise.
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]
Psh, whatever desert. We all love your long posts!
[QUOTE]I think maybe I should expand on what I was saying in the other thread. I don't think there needs to be an expectation that you always spend time together when you are home. I do think there needs to be an expectation that your relationship is what each of you values most. You should come first to each other. That doesn't mean that you can't have other important relationships, that you can't spend time with other friends, that you can't spend time apart. It just means that you place the same value on your relationship with each other and are on the same page about what it looks like to treat each other and your relationship with the respect each deserves. Sometimes that means lots of talks and practice and working things through and being very honest with each other about what you want, what hurts your feelings, and what you need to feel loved, respected, and valued by your SO. My H and I got a lot of that sorted out early on in our relationship and so it's all just 2nd nature most of the time now. Occasionally, we do have to talk about things. Like when he gets cranky when I ask him to make a stop for an errand when we're out doing something else. It used to really upset me that he would get cranky and act all put upon, when to me, it was just convenient to do something else while we were out and about. We had to have several talks about that to figure out that I need to tell him before we leave, while we are talking about our plans for the day, so he knows what to expect and can plan his driving route and feel efficient. It seems silly, but we're so much happier when we go out doing things together now. This was a talk we had literally like 3 years into our relationship that we now joke about. Anyway. I just think that if you have made it habit NOT to talk like this, it becomes harder to do so and things just build. So I am glad you guys talked, Hope, but I wouldn't expect this to be the end of it. He's had years to build some bad habits, it sounds like, and I think you guys need to really work on some things to shore up your foundation. I don't think you need to break up right away, but he DOES need to understand just how important it is for you to feel like he respects and values you. And you need to be sure that you guys truly are the right fit for each other. Time to evaluate, to use Mutley's car analogy, just how much maintenance you need, and if it seems overwhelming and neverending, perhaps to consider if you're not in the right car for you. But I wouldn't jump to that conclusion just yet. Give it time. Do the maintenance. Wishing you best of luck with everything, Hope. Please keep us updated. We're here for you! <3
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]
Wonderful advice Desert. Thank you!