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Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...

Last night FI got into a total blow up fight with his parents regarding our wedding budget and our reception plans. I unfortunately was there and I ended up in tears.

First, FFIL outright says that he's "not looking forward to contributing" to the wedding, but he's going to do it anyway. He then again mentioned that my mother should be contributing because the bride's family has an obligation to pay for everything because "that's how it's done". He accuses my mother of having a problem with FI and says he knows she's "not destitute". He and my FMIL made a huge point of saying how they've welcomed me with open arms and they love me like their own, but the same does not seem to apply with my side of the family (which is not true).

They want me to call my mother and outright ask her if she plans on contributing and if she doesn't contribute, he doesn't want to see her at the wedding, which really hurt me to hear. "Obviously, I can't ban her from the wedding because she's your mother, but if I had the option, I would," he said. My grandparents are already giving a great sum, why should it matter if my mother contributes? But I felt so bullied and ganged up on (by the way, FI agrees with his father on this).

Then, FFIL starts in on how he can't believe we're not planning on serving alcohol. "Have you ever been to a wedding where there wasn't alcohol?" He said it was "rude" not to have alcohol and guests "expect it". He kept harping on this point the entire night. He also mentioned that he hated the idea of us not having a DJ and using an iPod instead. He said there are certain things about weddings that happen no matter what, because that's how it always is.

Prior to this meeting, he asked us to budget everything down to the dollar, but we had to guess on some things because frankly, we had no clue. So I estimated $600 for my dress, veil and alterations (I'm short and chubby with big boobs, the dress is going to need alterations no matter where I get it). He said, "You don't need that much for a dress, [FSIL]'s dress was less than $100."

I wanted to yell, Well, guess what? FSIL is tall and skinny and got married on a f*cking beach in the tropics, so of course her dress was less! But all I said was that it was an estimate and it will more than likely be less than that. 
 
It was awful. I had to excuse myself so I could cry in the bathroom and I heard FI yelling at his father about how this is our wedding and we were trying to be budget concious and why couldn't he respect that? FI stood up, said, "We're going home" and we left. I cried the entire way home and said I didn't want a wedding anymore and FI said, "Don't be silly."

Guys, I have no clue what to do. Anyone have any kind words or advice for me?

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Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...

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    *Hugs* Your FFIL sounds like a jerk. The money demands he is making regarding your mother are  completely out of line. But the more important issue is that your FI agrees with him on this point. You need to have a talk with him about it.


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    this sucks.  I only have a couple minutes because I have to walk to a meeting, but we had MANY blow-out fights like that.  H's mom didn't contribute for anything... in fact, we ended up paying for a lot of their stuff (clothing, etc.) because they can't manage money and don't have any money.  my parents (especially my mom) would get really upset because they were contributing anything (ANYTHING!), but their guest list was insane.  our wedding ended up being about 400 people, their guests were at LEAST half.  AT LEAST. 

    to give you an idea, here is the "immediate family" photo from after the wedding.  several cousins are missing (went ahead to the reception instead of pictures), and half of his mom's sisters/brothers couldn't get a visa or the right paperwork to come across the border to attend.


    so basically, I've been there (although on the other side of it), and it sucks.  it really does.  and H hated it.  he worked so hard doing extra stuff to pay for whatever he could. 

    I don't know what you should do.  I don't think you should call your mom up like that, and I also think that your FI's parents are out of line.  but things get messy when money is involved.

    we didn't have a DJ, and no one noticed.  I think your FFIL has some preconceived ideas about what a wedding is.  my mom definitely did, and it caused a lot of tension and fights.  in fact, she is still sometimes bitter about it.  but I got married, and that is what counts.

    give it a few days.  let things cool down and you'll have a clearer perspective.  :)
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    I don't judge you for this at all. It isn't your fault that your FFIL is a jerk. And I'm sorry, but demanding that you call your mother and make her give you money for the wedding is a jerk move.

    The first conversation you need to have, though, is with your FI. Mine struggled a lot with the fact that my parents aren't paying for our whole wedding (they are paying about 25%, we're paying 50%, a generous family friend the other 25%). It took several conversations for him to understand that just because his first wife's family paid for it, doesn't mean mine have to. You and your FI are a team, you two need to decide how you want to handle this together, and then put up a united front. 

    And if I were you, I wouldn't take a cent from your FFIL. Clearly there will be all sorts of strings attached and I am guessing is going to lead to a TON of drama.

    Hugs to you!!!
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    I hope your FI wasn't agreeing with and participating in the berating of your family.  If he was, I would postpone your wedding.  It also wouldn't be acceptable to me for my FI to allow my FFIL to even get as far in conversation as he did.  

    I do not understand how FFIL even got to say all of this to you before your FI announced you were leaving.  Am I missing something?? 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:9dc95b25-db81-4bb8-b0cb-9343fd94dfc5">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
    [QUOTE]And if I were you, I wouldn't take a cent from your FFIL. Clearly there will be all sorts of strings attached and I am guessing is going to lead to a TON of drama.
    Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

    I wish this was an option, trust me :(

    I have talked to my FI about this, and he is also stuck in the "bride's family pays" mindset. I said, "You have no idea what you're talking about because that's not how it is anymore." But he was insistant that <em>everyone</em> still does it this way. He refuses to believe that my mother can't help with anything and wants to know one reason why she doesn't care enough to contribute for her only daughter's wedding when I didn't have a Sweet 16 or bat mitzvah.

    Oh, and we still haven't found a park for our reception. Vegas is looking better by the day.

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    edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:97d47623-ef5f-4c66-bf23-bc397b922c14">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I do not understand how FFIL even got to say all of this to you before your FI announced you were leaving.  Am I missing something?? 
    Posted by mmw&lmd[/QUOTE]

    FFIL said everything to me, I got upset so I went to cry in the bathroom, FI yelled at his dad, then I came out of the bathroom and FI said we're leaving. That's how it went down. Sorry if it wasn't clear.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:2d9791ae-6ece-4282-8c91-a254e065c07b">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... :<strong> I wish this was an option, trust me :(</strong> I have talked to my FI about this, and he is also stuck in the "bride's family pays" mindset. I said, "You have no idea what you're talking about because that's not how it is anymore." But he was insistant that everyone still does it this way. He refuses to believe that my mother can't help with anything and wants to know one reason why she doesn't care enough to contribute for her only daughter's wedding when I didn't have a Sweet 16 or bat mitzvah. Oh, and we still haven't found a park for our reception. Vegas is looking better by the day.
    Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

    <div>While you may lose some money on deposits here or there, it IS still an option to turn down his money. You may have to change venues, cut the guest list, get extra jobs or credit cards (not recommended), but you do not HAVE to take his money.  It would be a hard decision, but it is one you CAN make.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:befda23d-3668-41b5-970d-67adb3ca64f3">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... : FFIL said everything to me, I got upset so I went to cry in the bathroom, FI yelled at his dad, then I came out of the bathroom and FI said we're leaving. That's how it went down. Sorry if it wasn't clear.
    Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]
    I guess where I'm confused is that, did FFIL say TO you while FI was IN THE ROOM?  I don't know, if my BF's father said things like that to me, not only would I have a freakout, but so would BF.  I feel like there's a serious lack of respect going on here.  <div>
    </div><div>As PP mentioned, please refuse the assistance from your FFIL.  There will be strings attached, and if he's already being this bitter & controlling, imagine how he'll be once he can say "Well I gave you all of this money".  </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
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    Oh bela! *hugs*

    I know you want to be able to take money from your FFIL but I wouldn't. You will be so much happier if you don't. FFIL does not get to dicate who pays he only gets to dicate what he pays for, if he pays.
     I am not happy with you FI for not being on your side.  Things are just not that traditional anymore. He needs to be on your side.  I wouldn't talk with FFIL again until he is honestly. 
    *hugs* I am really sorry you are dealing with this.

    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

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    Coco has great advice. Seriously give it a week before saying anything else to any parents.

    I had a bunch of issues with my family. My dad told me he wouldn't help with the wedding at all if I paid for my mom to come to the wedding. So things changed. We compromised and moved on even though the amount he is helping should in no way dictate whether I paid for my mom or not.

    You will think of an idea that makes it all work out brilliantly. It may not be your first second or third choice, but in the end you will marry your best friend and that is all that really matters.

    Is it possible to divide up task between what your grandparent's will pay and what your FFIL is responsible for? Maybe you could put your dress in the grandparent's category so he won't have as much of a say in it.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:2d9791ae-6ece-4282-8c91-a254e065c07b">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... : I wish this was an option, trust me :( I have talked to my FI about this, and he is also stuck in the "bride's family pays" mindset. I said, "You have no idea what you're talking about because that's not how it is anymore." But he was insistant that everyone still does it this way. He refuses to believe that my mother can't help with anything and wants to know one reason why she doesn't care enough to contribute for her only daughter's wedding when I didn't have a Sweet 16 or bat mitzvah. Oh, and we still haven't found a park for our reception. Vegas is looking better by the day.
    Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

    Bside I'm sorry to hear that your FFIL is a jerk.  Also that you had a argument with your FI.  But I have to say, you want to stop the drama you have to take this into your hands and figure a way out to not have any of your in-laws attached to the planning.  In the end the thing that matters is that YOU both are married to one another.  It just seems that there is more stress from your wedding planning than you need.  Don't let this taint the beginning of your lives together as husband and wife.  AND NO the bride's side of the family does not have to pay for the wedding.  Isn't like that anymore.  Danish Man and I are paying for our own wedding.  I really think that you need to re-evaluate what's important to you and go forward on that regardless of what anyone says.
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    Is it possible to not take his money?  Cause he sounds like a jerk.  And no one's going to ban your mother from YOUR wedding.

    Honestly, FFIL probably thinks this is just "tradition" but he doesn't deserve to have any input in the wedding besides what he's paying for. 

    Good luck - I'd definitely let your FI know what the heck you're feeling - he should be in the loop from both sides.
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:6aa03c17-3047-426e-b6eb-a032db2f7f83">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... : I guess where I'm confused is that, did FFIL say TO you while FI was IN THE ROOM?  I don't know, if my BF's father said things like that to me, not only would I have a freakout, but so would BF.
    Posted by mmw&lmd[/QUOTE]

    I don't know what you mean. He said everything that I mentioned in front of me while FI was sitting next to me.

    I wish we could refuse the money but at this point, we can't. If we do, there won't be a wedding at all.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:2d9791ae-6ece-4282-8c91-a254e065c07b">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... : <strong>I wish this was an option, trust me :</strong>( I have talked to my FI about this, and he is also stuck in the "bride's family pays" mindset. I said, "You have no idea what you're talking about because that's not how it is anymore." But he was insistant that everyone still does it this way. He refuses to believe that my mother can't help with anything and wants to know one reason why she doesn't care enough to contribute for her only daughter's wedding when I didn't have a Sweet 16 or bat mitzvah. Oh, and we still haven't found a park for our reception. Vegas is looking better by the day.
    Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

    <div>Can I ask you a direct question? And I'm not trying to be flame-y or judge you in any way, but I'm wondering about this that I bolded above. Why is not taking his money not an option? I think Desert said it best in your last thread, at the end of the day as long as you're married, that's what counts (or something much more eloquent). BUT I would understand if you would somehow be disappointed not to have the wedding you always dreamed of in the park if that's what you really want. So is that what you really want? Are you going to look back and regret it if you do go to vegas, or have a small wedding  with family only at the courthouse and go out to dinner to celebrate afterward. It may not be what you thought it would be but at the end of the day you would be married and if that's all you really want I would seriously consider it. It just seems like at every turn there is some HUGE drama that makes this less and less a day you'll look back on fondly. And more just a day where strings were attached to the money, and your FIL's weren't speaking to your mom, and there was no liquor and blah, blah, blah. </div><div>
    </div><div>Again, I totally get the mentality that if you would look back on a smaller wedding a regret not doing it up more then you might put up with more hassle, but it might be time for you to take control. If they want to contribute, great! You'll gladly accept their offering and thank them, but once given you can't dictate what the "gift" (i.e. money) should be used for. And if they can't fall in line with that you might need to seriously think about re-tooling some things. This whole situation sounds very unhealthy. I'm sorry to say and I totally support you, but it just sounds wrong. AT the end of the day you (and your fI) are in charge here. Don't let them bully you. Sure, their money would be nice, but you two are supposed to be forming a family unit and you can get married without them or their money. Some serious discussions have to take place</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:0f8fa9b3-528e-497e-a52c-dba42d048354">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... : Bside I'm sorry to hear that your FFIL is a jerk.  Also that you had a argument with your FI.  But I have to say, you want to stop the drama you have to take this into your hands and figure a way out to not have any of your in-laws attached to the planning.  In the end the thing that matters is that YOU both are married to one another.  It just seems that there is more stress from your wedding planning than you need.  Don't let this taint the beginning of your lives together as husband and wife.  AND NO the bride's side of the family does not have to pay for the wedding.  Isn't like that anymore.  Danish Man and I are paying for our own wedding.  I really think that you need to re-evaluate what's important to you and go forward on that regardless of what anyone says.
    Posted by motoLyn[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>D@mn, not only did Moto beat me to it, she said it better. Always a bridesmaid...lol.

    </div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:7a0a0075-30ad-4937-b399-eab7a5a3fbe1">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... : I don't know what you mean. He said everything that I mentioned in front of me while FI was sitting next to me. I wish we could refuse the money but at this point, we can't. If we do, there won't be a wedding at all.
    Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]
    Well you answered my question anyways.  I wanted to know where FI was when FFIL was saying this to you.  You have a FI problem.  There's NO WAY that FI should have let FFIL say that to you, and only get upset with FFIL when you cried.  Why should you have to cry for FI to do something about it?  That is nuts!  FI should have shut him down as soon as he started talking about your family like he did.<div>
    </div><div>Also, I ditto PP... Why is it impossible to refuse his money now?  You can always have a low budget wedding, or you can postpone your wedding to save more money.  I tihnk a smaller wedding / postponed wedding is better than acepting money from a bitter man with so many strings attached to it.  The amount of crap you'll eat for accepting this money is going to be massive.  Please please pleeeeeease reconsider. :(</div>
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    a) There is always the option to decline money. 

    b) More than a FFIL problem, you have a FI problem. 

    You and your FI need to get on the same page and ASAP. 

    My family contributed a small amount to our wedding.  I don't know what the exact percent was.  My in-laws definitely contributed more than my family.  It is NONE of your in-laws business how much your family is contributing.  Your FI needs to back you up on this.
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    Well, I just got some good news. After calling for hours, all morning, we got through to the County Park Commission. We have a reception venue booked.

    So....there's that.

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    Also, re: taking the money not being an option ...

    Without financial help, there would not be enough for anything. End of story, really. I don't want to really get into a numbers game here, but my grandparents and my FILs are each paying an equal amount. If we let go of the money FFIL gives us, we are left with a sum that would not cover much of anything. We already have an insanely small budget with FFIL's contribution. I just feel like I am between a rock and a hard place and I don't know what do to or how to do it.

    Liv - FI does not agree with banning my mom, but he does agree that she "should" contribute and she is "obligated" to do so.

    As for regrets? Frankly? I am regretting everything - except my decision to be with my FI in the first place. At this point, I regret that I even got engaged, I am THAT frustrated. I want to hit a rewind button and start over. Okay? Is a park reception REALLY what I want? If I had all the money in the world, no. No it is not. Is it what can we afford? Yes. Will it be fun? Hell yes. But if my life was different, the wedding would be too. I am probably speaking from a stressful place right now, and will probably even regret this post later. But I just am at a loss at this point and feeling very pressured and sick over this whole thing.

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    edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:946937cf-d952-4c2e-bf1a-70cd913d5fb1">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also, re: taking the money not being an option ...

    Without financial help, there would not be enough for anything. End of story, really. I don't want to really get into a numbers game here, but my grandparents and my FILs are each paying an equal amount. If we let go of the money FFIL gives us, we are left with a sum that would not cover much of anything. We already have an insanely small budget with FFIL's contribution. I just feel like I am between a rock and a hard place and I don't know what do to or how to do it.

    Liv - FI does not agree with banning my mom, but <u><font color="#FF0000"><strong>he does agree that she "should" contribute and she is "obligated" to do so. </strong></font></u>

    As for regrets? Frankly? I am regretting everything  - except my decision to be with my FI in the first place. At this point, I regret that I even got engaged, I am THAT frustrated. I want to hit a rewind button and start over. Okay? Is a park reception REALLY what I want? If I had all the money in the world, no. No it is not. Is it what can we afford? Yes. Will it be fun? Hell yes. But if my life was different, the wedding would be too. I am probably speaking from a stressful place right now, and will probably even regret this post later. But I just am at a loss at this point and feeling very pressured and sick over this whole thing.
    Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

    Is the money from your in-laws worth all of this? 

    For me, it would not be.  It would not even be close.  No way, no how.  

    I still think that you have a FI problem.  Your FI thinks that your mom is OBLIGATED to pay for a party.  That is what a wedding reception is.  It is a party.  The marriage is what matters.  The party does NOT.  If your FI wants to have the party, then he needs to grow a set and stand up to his parents.  If you guys cannot afford the PARTY on your own, then you need to have a different party.  It is that simple.

    I am sorry that this is so sucky for you.  It is time to be adults and make the big decision.  Are you and your FI willing to continue to be degraded and hurt by his parents in exchange for accepting their money?  Are you willing to accept their strings?  When those strings include treating you like crap? 
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    Yay for getting a venue booked! Let yourself be happy about that. I think you need to let your FI know just how much this all is bothering you. He needs to know he is hurting you. He may not understand why your mother can't pay and he may not like it but for you he needs to accept and he needs to tell his father that he needs to accept it because it's not going to change. What they need to realize is that all they are doing is hurting you.


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    The INSTANT anyone tried to hold money over my head and force my hand in regards to money, I would refuse their money outright. Nothing is worth being trod on like that. Not even if it means ending up with a courthouse wedding.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:946937cf-d952-4c2e-bf1a-70cd913d5fb1">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also, re: taking the money not being an option ... Without financial help, there would not be enough for anything. End of story, really. I don't want to really get into a numbers game here, but my grandparents and my FILs are each paying an equal amount. If we let go of the money FFIL gives us, we are left with a sum that would not cover much of anything. We already have an insanely small budget with FFIL's contribution. I just feel like I am between a rock and a hard place and I don't know what do to or how to do it. Liv - <strong>FI does not agree with banning my mom, but he does agree that she "should" contribute and she is "obligated" to do so.</strong> As for regrets? Frankly? I am regretting everything  - except my decision to be with my FI in the first place. At this point, I regret that I even got engaged, I am THAT frustrated. I want to hit a rewind button and start over. Okay? Is a park reception REALLY what I want? If I had all the money in the world, no. No it is not. Is it what can we afford? Yes. Will it be fun? Hell yes. But if my life was different, the wedding would be too. I am probably speaking from a stressful place right now, and will probably even regret this post later. But I just am at a loss at this point and feeling very pressured and sick over this whole thing.
    Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yikes. If I were you I would have a HUGE problem with my FI thinking like & expecting this.  </div><div>
    </div><div>Regarding the entire situation, it seems like you're having a lot of problems between getting things booked & having people put up the money for it all but the fact of the matter is you don't HAVE to get married when you want to.  Yes, that's when you WANT to get married, but to save yourself the headache of your FIL's holding money over your head & arguing about money with them at all, you do have the option to reject their help, push the wedding back a few months, & save that portion on your own between you & your FI in that period of time. </div>



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    edited February 2012

    You're right. You're all right. I know you are right. I know what the right thing to do is. My problem is now executing it.

    FWIW, my grandparents are upset that my mom isn't contributing too, they're just not as vocal.

    Weddings suck.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:8acc482b-0eda-4b5f-b2cd-3310685455cb">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
    [QUOTE]You're right. You're all right. I know you are right. I know what the right thing to do is. My problem is now executing it. FWIW, my grandparents are upset that my mom isn't contributing too, they're just not as vocal. Weddings suck.
    Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]
    We are here to support you every step of the way.  *hugs*  It's hard to admit you are wrong or things are wrong and I am proud of you for doing so. 

    How can we help you?
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

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    I'm sorry you're having these issues, Bella.  I think it's important that you and your FI decide (together, but only with each other) where you stand on all of this stuff and then keep a united front when meeting these types of issues.

    Moreso, though, I think it's important that you remember that the wedding itself really doesn't matter at the end of the day.

    I don't there's a single engaged or married girl on here who didn't experience at least a little drama when planning her wedding.  Family members contribute unwanted opinions, money comes with strings, and plans fall through.  It's all just part of the process.  I've definitely had my share of crap (and ended up crying in the bathroom once just like you).  But on June 10, my wedding will be over and none of that crap will matter anymore.

    Again, I'm sorry you're dealing with so much suckiness, but it really will work itself out.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:8acc482b-0eda-4b5f-b2cd-3310685455cb">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
    [QUOTE]You're right. You're all right. I know you are right. I know what the right thing to do is. My problem is now executing it. FWIW, my grandparents are upset that my mom isn't contributing too, they're just not as vocal. Weddings suck.
    Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

    <div>I am so so very sorry that you are going through this. It does suck. Since I didn't get to punch Bri's ex-BF in the 'nads, I'll gladly save that punch for your FFIL. Let me know if he's ever in AZ.</div>
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    Weddings do NOT suck.  You need to get out of pity party mode.  You cannot solve anything or move forward if you are stuck there.

    I think that part of executing it is changing gears.  You and your FI need to go back to focusing on why you are getting married.  Focus on the marriage aspect.  Put aside the wedding/party part.  Think about what you want out of your marriage.  Think about what those values are.
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    Bella, I'm sorry your FFIL (and FI, honestly) is being a jerk on the money issue.  I think you need to have a chat with your FI ASAP and update him that your mom is NOT responsible for paying. (although I get why he thinks that, since it's obviously the way he was raised)

    Would he listen to TK?  Perhaps you can create a whole new SN (so he knows you didn't somehow 'warn' posters to answer in a way that supports you) and post a poll on a few different boards or something.  Maybe if he hears it from many different women from all over the world, in all different income classes, he'll finally start to believe that it is NOT how it's done anymore.

    Once he's on board, I would let him, and him alone talk to his dad about this.  He needs to back you up, especially to his family, and let him know that HE feels welcome in your family, so that's not the issue and that they are never to speak about them that way again.

    I hope it all works out for you!  *Hugs*
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    *Hugs* Bella. I agree with Lyn, Danie, Liv, and Mutley (and anyone else who said this).

    You need to get your FI on the same page as you, first and foremost. H and I paid for 100% of our wedding and honeymoon ourselves. Your mom is under no obligation to contribute. I know money is really tight for you guys and you're doing the best you can, but you need to have a serious talk with FI.

    I do think your FFIL is being a jerk. He's being downright rude about your mother and then bashing your budget...and not even consistently. I think $600 for your attire and alterations is on the low end, but perfectly reasonable. Not having a DJ is a great way to cut costs. Heck, I had a DJ and think I would have been better off with an iPod.

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