So last night BF spouted some wisdom at me. As many of you know, he and I have been going through a lot lately. We are good, and getting better everyday, but it had been a rough couple of months there. And my insecurity - that ugly beast that lurks below the surface - was magnifying every issue about 10 times.
While we were chatting last night about things, he mentioned that his biggest struggle with our relationship right now is my insecurity. He said that in the past, with other relationships, he has had to contend with the memories of a GF's ex, or someone else they had feelings for, or his own feelings not being what he thought, but he said that this is the first time he has had to fight tooth and nail against his GF's own mind. He said that any tiredness or defeatedness he has exhibited is due to his losing battle against my insecurity, because no matter what he tells me, I will believe my own self-deprecation over his compliments. He told me that no matter how much he tells me or shows me that he loves me, that I am the woman of his dreams, that I am beautiful and amazing and smart and kind, it doesn't matter unless I believe it of myself. He said if I can't love myself, how can I believe others that love me?
He is a freaking genius.
I know all of this to be true, and it has been a constant battle throughout my life. I am actually much better off with my self-esteem than I used to be, but it is still a work in progress. Hearing him say these things made me feel more of a sense of clarity about our relationship. There are things we are working through together, for sure, but the hardest battle is with myself. We
are not broken, my self-esteem is. And while I do think I need his support to repair it, I must repair it myself.
I started to cry when I told him that my biggest sadness is still him putting our future on hold. I told him that I know why he has to, and that I commend him for wanting to get his own head right before moving forward, but that it still hurt my heart and I let it get to me and damage my self-esteem. He picked up my hand and held it to his chest and said, "You feel that? That is beating for you, and only you. Forever. I am not going anywhere. Everything that we have to go through, we are going through together. I am yours forever."
Needless to say I am pretty much high on warm fuzzies today. Just wanted to share