Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs)

NurseyK

I had a meltdown last night.   I need to get this out... and I can't bring myself to call my bff about it yet.

BF was shopping for a car part online and we got on the topic of engagement. I was working on my budget xls and asked him about credit card debt payment (is it still zero?). He mentioned that it might or might not be. I asked why. His response was that he hadn't found the perfect ring yet. I asked well what is stopping you, and his response well it's based on cut/color/clarity/design/quality. I said to him, well if there is something tha tis stopping you that is a real relationship need/issue/growth area, please tell me before I move in. My emotion was instant sadness and fear of him getting cold feet, that "why not yet" feeling. 

I tried to hide that I was a little upset by this because in my mind I had pictured him proposing on vacation, which we are leaving for next week. I hid my emotion and tried to just move on, I don't want to make him feel bad or pressure him. However, he knows that since we first decided this was serious, I have held my ground that I will not move in unless we are planning not only a wedding, but also our marriage. This brought him to point out that he wants it to be perfect and that waiting will be worth it, and that buying low now and upgrading later just isn't in his personality. 

I was cheesed, having realized that we're not going to be getting engaged on vacation, or even before the end of my lease when I am supposed to move in (April 5th ish). To protect his romanticism I tried to hide my emotion. 

Flash forward 2 minutes.

We do crossfit/bootcamp together, and I happen to be the slowest person in the class. Last night was a 5K row, which (as usual) I finished last. In conversation about our upcoming vacation, Greg teased me about being slow calling me "slowrow." Normally I would have laughed and called him something worse back. Given that I was already cheesed this did not go over well. I left the room and bust into tears in the bedroom. He did his due diligence and comforted me until I felt better... which was notably very sweet. (He also promised not to call me slowrow again.)

Thanks for reading. I just needed to get this out.  Ugh, I'm such a freaking girl!! 

calindi

Sorry you're upset.  And don't let anyone make you feel bad about being slow at CrossFit - that stuff is TOUGH, and I admire that you do it!  It's even more admirable that people who aren't in ridiculous shape persevere to do the workouts.  So feel good about that!!!  My guy is usually one of the top finishers in his CrossFit, and he always talks about how he's really happy to see the slower people in class because he knows they're working harder than anyone else just to finish.  So there's people silently rooting for you, even if you don't know it!

As far as the 'not moving in together before you're engaged', that's obviously your choice, but if you've made a date to move in together before you have a ring, I gotta say you sort of got yourself in this situation.  The ideal way to do it would have been to wait until he proposed to even make plans to move in together, but obviously you can't unwind the clock, so that point is moot now.

You have a few choices should he not propose this month - you can move forward with your plans to move in together knowing that you're compromising, you can get a short term lease somewhere else for 3-6 months, move in with a friend temporarily, etc.  I don't know what's best for you, but you need to think about it seriously to see what's important for you and what move is best.

Talk to him about it - let him know you're frustrated because X, Y, and Z.  See what he says. 

[Deleted User]

I think it makes things very difficult for couples when they set boundaries they don't stick to. If you do not want to live together until engagement/planning/wedding, then don't make plans to move in with him until you are actually at that stage.

Also, try not to anticipate a proposal. I told BF a long time ago that I don't want him to propose on a holiday. For me, it limits my brain wandering into "this could be it" thinking. I don't get myself disappointed, and I am able to fully enjoy everything we experience together as a couple pre-engagement.

loves2shop4shoes

Ok.  I know your frustrated, but you really need to put things in perspective.  You are with a guy that you love enough to consider spending the rest of your life with.  In the grand scheme of life, is it such a bad thing that you might not be getting a sparkly in the immediate future?

If you're not comfortable moving in until you're engaged, then don't.  But don't pressure him.  Say how you're feeling in a calm, non-emotional way.  Discuss a timeline.  And then enjoy your relationship as it is and as it progresses.

artbyallie

Have you discussed the budget for the ring he's apparently hesitating to buy? Maybe he wants to spend more money than he has available right now. Upgrading isn't for me, either, but I also didn't want an expensive ring in the first place. It took a lot of conversations, but I finally convinced my fiancé that he didn't need to spend thousands of dollars on an engagement ring. Mine was less than $300, and I plan to wear it the rest of my life.

For that matter, you don't even need a ring to consider yourselves engaged. Set a date for the wedding and there you go. Engagement.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_meltdown-long-but-used-paragraphs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:54997476-3aa0-46fa-a599-a12fb55742d5Post:4e0bedb6-f1b7-45c1-9ddf-d508197ed306">Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs)</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it makes things very difficult for couples when they set boundaries they don't stick to. If you do not want to live together until engagement/planning/wedding, then don't make plans to move in with him until you are actually at that stage. Also, try not to anticipate a proposal. I told BF a long time ago that I don't want him to propose on a holiday. For me, it limits my brain wandering into "this could be it" thinking. I don't get myself disappointed, and I am able to fully enjoy everything we experience together as a couple pre-engagement.
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]

Allusive said everything that I was going to say. There's nothing wrong with not moving in with him until you're engaged- however, you really are putting the cart before the horse if you're planning this move before he's proposed.

And I'm getting the impression that you're (perhaps unconsciously) expecting engagement to be this NEXT big step that you're anxiously awaiting in your rleationship. Don't do that, you'll only drive yourself crazy. Like Shoes said, remember how great the stage you're at NOW is and focus on the present.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_meltdown-long-but-used-paragraphs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:54997476-3aa0-46fa-a599-a12fb55742d5Post:2a8a3882-4952-4778-9c96-2e9d163efbd7">Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs)</a>:
[QUOTE]I had a meltdown last night.   I need to get this out... and I can't bring myself to call my bff about it yet. BF was shopping for a car part online and we got on the topic of engagement. <strong>I was working on my budget xls and asked him about credit card debt payment (is it still zero?).</strong> He mentioned that it might or might not be. I asked why. His response was that he hadn't found the perfect ring yet. I asked well what is stopping you, and his response well it's based on cut/color/clarity/design/quality. I said to him, well if there is something tha tis stopping you that is a real relationship need/issue/growth area, please tell me before I move in. My emotion was instant sadness and fear of him getting cold feet, that "why not yet" feeling.  I tried to hide that I was a little upset by this because in my mind I had pictured him proposing on vacation, which we are leaving for next week. I hid my emotion and tried to just move on, I don't want to make him feel bad or pressure him. However, he knows that since we first decided this was serious, I have held my ground that I will not move in unless we are planning not only a wedding, but also our marriage. This brought him to point out that he wants it to be perfect and that waiting will be worth it, and that buying low now and upgrading later just isn't in his personality.  I was cheesed, having realized that we're not going to be getting engaged on vacation, or even before the end of my lease when I am supposed to move in (April 5th ish). To protect his romanticism I tried to hide my emotion.  Flash forward 2 minutes. We do crossfit/bootcamp together, and I happen to be the slowest person in the class. Last night was a 5K row, which (as usual) I finished last. In conversation about our upcoming vacation, Greg teased me about being slow calling me "slowrow." Normally I would have laughed and called him something worse back. Given that I was already cheesed this did not go over well. I left the room and bust into tears in the bedroom. He did his due diligence and comforted me until I felt better... which was notably very sweet. (He also promised not to call me slowrow again.) Thanks for reading. I just needed to get this out.  Ugh, I'm such a freaking girl!! 
Posted by NurseyK[/QUOTE]

Maybe I'm confused but were you asking him about his credit card debt because he is supposed to be using his credit card to pay for your engagement ring?

NurseyK

All...

Thank you for reading my litany and for your words of encouragement regarding my frustration with timing of the engagement. I love this man, and am willing to find patience to wait for when he is ready to propose. We've been planning on me moving in for over 6 months, and I think it would detrimental if I all of a sudden changed my mind because I set a timeline on him proposing. The timeline was not fair to him, especially knowing he is a procrastinator and perfectionist.  I'm not willing to risk creating a huge issue with the man I want to spend my life with, so I am going to continue as planned, loving him the same.

Calindi.... 

 Just getting to 1K (out of the 5K) made me wanna puke and die, yet my body was able to finish. I had to remind myself that I am not a marathoner like my BF, but have seen huge improvements just in the last month. It brought a tear to my eye when you said that your SO roots for the slower people.

Lyz....

No no no. It's way more personal than that. But since you asked.... We decided to make budget spreadsheets, one for when I move in (me pay rent), and one for when we get married, whenever that is (combining incomes into one account). I happen to working on it with him last night, and I asked him what his monthly credit card bill is now since he told me had paid it off a few months earlier. He's hinted at how he is paying for it, by saying "well I'm not sure what my credit card bill will be, it depends on one more purchase." I don't care how he pays for it... at the end of the day our finances will all be combined anyways.

jeanacorina

I do agree with others that if you have set the boundary not to live together until you're engaged, then planning that move before he has proposed puts undue pressure on both of you. It's hard not knowing when that proposal is going to happen, but if this boundary means a lot to you, then you shouldn't worry about your lease until he has already proposed.

Can you sign a shorter lease? I wouldn't necessarily like to go month-to-month myself. I know it's frustrating, but you've got to weigh your emotions against logic here. Your relationship boundaries against the practical issues of moving or renewing your lease.

Also, I think it's understandable that you broke down after he poked fun. Guys have this horrible habit of NOT being psychic. I hate that, but what can you do?

You're normal- many of us have gone through similar emotional rollercoasters before we got engaged, and it does get better. Just try to let things happen. It's good to be responsible and to plan things out (like your budget), but honestly.... this is a big deal emotionally and you're trying to force yourself to be 100% logical in practice. It's difficult. Give yourself some credit- and some leeway to just let things unfold without too much of a hardcore plan. Some things in life just don't fit on a spreadsheet. Like relationships.

You CAN talk to him about this. I know you might be trying to let him be romantic, but if you can't talk to him about your relationship and your frustrations and your emotions, then who can you really talk to? You need to confide in him.

desertsun

Nursey, it is so important to be honest with your BF about your feelings. You shouldn't be hiding it if he's hurt your feelings.

I know sometimes if my H says something thoughtless or teasing and it hits a sore spot, I might need a minute to sort through my feelings for myself before I express them.

But that's different from not being honest about what you're feeling, "hiding" your feelings, or saying you're "protecting" him. That's not fair to him or to you.

So take a minute if you need to to sort yourself out, and then just sit down and have a calm conversation. Expressing yourselves so that you can really open up and be honest is NOT the same as putting pressure on each other. You each need to know where the other is at, what you both want and when, so that you can find a balance that works for you both.

As for moving in -- you'll know more after you have a calm, adult conversation.

GL and keep us updated!

Blue & White

1 - I think you're pretty cool.  And I like what you've said so far.  So ya know, confidence booster - you can do it!

2 - I think you should talk to your boyfriend   this is kinda my advice for everything, so ya know, it feels like it's said too much.  But it's really important.  Let him know that you really aren't comfortable moving in with him before you're actively planning your marriage together.  (or re-evaluate your priorities, but don't settle).  Tell him that it kinda sucks to be in this waiting situation when your future (where you're going to live, etc) is up in the air.  His future really isn't AS up in the air (he just gets a roommate out of the deal, it sounds like.)  This probably won't make the proposal come any sooner, but at least it'll put you on the same page.

3 - Enjoy what you've got.  He sounds like a pretty awesome guy.  And he sounds like he's planning on marrying you eventually, but boys are sometimes slow  

sweetvidalia

Even the dumbest men can figure out a deadline. It will undoubtedly happen before April 5th (which happens to be my birthday, so let's assume that day brings you all the luck in the world haha)

When we were still only dating, I told FI that on New Year's day, I would either be engaged or single and the choice was up to him. He also had bought a ring almost a year before I gave him the ultimatum.

Needless to say, I was a bride-to-be by the first day of 2011, but as expected, he waited until Dec 30 to ask me. He had been telling me he really wanted to wait until Valentine's day and asking "Are you really going to leave me if I don't ask by then" He would throw me off so badly and I would cry myself to sleep at night. But the whole Dec 30 thing had been planned for months. Even before I threatened to leave him. They'll surprise you.

But I will say this: If you give him an ultimatum, you MUST stick to your word. Otherwise, he will drag you around forever because he knows you will stay regardless of how little he commits.

AudgiePodge

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_meltdown-long-but-used-paragraphs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:54997476-3aa0-46fa-a599-a12fb55742d5Post:f9f97164-f88f-4685-9dc5-7562ced8b824">Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs)</a>:
[QUOTE]Even the dumbest men can figure out a deadline. It will undoubtedly happen before April 5th (which happens to be my birthday, so let's assume that day brings you all the luck in the world haha) When we were still only dating, I told FI that on New Year's day, I would either be engaged or single and the choice was up to him. He also had bought a ring almost a year before I gave him the ultimatum. Needless to say, I was a bride-to-be by the first day of 2011, but as expected, he waited until Dec 30 to ask me. He had been telling me he really wanted to wait until Valentine's day and asking "Are you really going to leave me if I don't ask by then" He would throw me off so badly and I would cry myself to sleep at night. But the whole Dec 30 thing had been planned for months. Even before I threatened to leave him. They'll surprise you. But I will say this: If you give him an ultimatum, you MUST stick to your word. Otherwise, he will drag you around forever because he knows you will stay regardless of how little he commits.
Posted by sweetvidalia[/QUOTE]

Your relationship sounds awesome. If anyone gave me an ultimatum, the relationship would end.

SKP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_meltdown-long-but-used-paragraphs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:54997476-3aa0-46fa-a599-a12fb55742d5Post:f9f97164-f88f-4685-9dc5-7562ced8b824">Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs)</a>:
[QUOTE]Even the dumbest men can figure out a deadline. It will undoubtedly happen before April 5th (which happens to be my birthday, so let's assume that day brings you all the luck in the world haha) When we were still only dating, I told FI that on New Year's day, I would either be engaged or single and the choice was up to him. He also had bought a ring almost a year before I gave him the ultimatum. Needless to say, I was a bride-to-be by the first day of 2011, but as expected, he waited until Dec 30 to ask me. He had been telling me he really wanted to wait until Valentine's day and asking "Are you really going to leave me if I don't ask by then" He would throw me off so badly and I would cry myself to sleep at night. But the whole Dec 30 thing had been planned for months. Even before I threatened to leave him. They'll surprise you. But I will say this: If you give him an ultimatum, you MUST stick to your word. Otherwise, he will drag you around forever because he knows you will stay regardless of how little he commits.
Posted by sweetvidalia[/QUOTE]

Uhhh... what???

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_meltdown-long-but-used-paragraphs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:54997476-3aa0-46fa-a599-a12fb55742d5Post:50a5b358-1b3c-4ddf-aec8-a8454aac30ed">Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs) : Your relationship sounds awesome. If anyone gave me an ultimatum, the relationship would end.
Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]

Yeeeeahhhh.... this!  Communication is the key to a healthy LONG TERM relationship, not threatening someone you claim to love that you'll leave them if they don't adapt to your timeline.

I've made this analogy before, and I'll make it again - if your first serious boyfriend told you that if you didn't have sex by X day, he'd leave, that would be a pretty shitty thing to do, right?  Everyone has their own timeline, and part of caring about someone else is communicating about what you both need and compromising when necessary without sacrificing your own best interests.

sweetvidalia

@AudgiePodge - Thanks, our relationship IS awesome! :-) And I'm sorry to hear about your complex with ultimatums.

@SKP82 - I think I was pretty clear. And good luck on losing all that weight. 71 pounds...WOW!!!!!!!!!!!

@calindi - As much as you are enjoying your analogy, it's irrelevant. There's a difference in giving up your V card and giving up the rest of your life. Why would you waste your time with someone wondering if they'd ever decide they wanted to marry you, when you could be moving on with your life and moving towards finding the person who did? The shitty thing to do is to drag your heels and keep someone waiting who is trying to plan their future around whether they will be with you or not.

rainedrop6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_meltdown-long-but-used-paragraphs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:54997476-3aa0-46fa-a599-a12fb55742d5Post:50a5b358-1b3c-4ddf-aec8-a8454aac30ed">Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs) : <strong>Your relationship sounds awesome.</strong> If anyone gave me an ultimatum, the relationship would end.
Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]

<div>   For the moderator, your comment is downright disrespectful. You don't know the dynamics of someone else's relationship and have no right to insinuate that it's substandard because it's not what you would do.</div><div> </div><div>   I also gave my husband an ultimatum and he made the choice to propose. The details are non of your business so I won't elaborate but in the end we both ended up a happier, healthier couple and he would agree. Although we've only been married for 1 year, on our wedding day we had been together just shy of 15 years which I can sadly guarantee some of the "ideal" couples on these boards will never make it to. </div>

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_meltdown-long-but-used-paragraphs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:54997476-3aa0-46fa-a599-a12fb55742d5Post:91d913e4-3d3e-4a84-9248-cf79ab4dcf14">Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs)</a>:
[QUOTE]@AudgiePodge - Thanks, our relationship IS awesome! :-) And I'm sorry to hear about your complex with ultimatums. @SKP82 - I think I was pretty clear. And good luck on losing all that weight. <strong>71 pounds</strong>...WOW!!!!!!!!!!! @calindi - As much as you are enjoying your analogy, it's irrelevant. There's a difference in giving up your V card and giving up the rest of your life. Why would you waste your time with someone wondering if they'd ever decide they wanted to marry you, when you could be moving on with your life and moving towards finding the person who did? The shitty thing to do is to drag your heels and keep someone waiting who is trying to plan their future around whether they will be with you or not.
Posted by sweetvidalia[/QUOTE]

Math fail.

...Actually, there are several kinds of fails in this post.

AudgiePodge

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_meltdown-long-but-used-paragraphs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:54997476-3aa0-46fa-a599-a12fb55742d5Post:a9cf2976-8ba0-445f-88bc-cbebf1ba65e4">Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs) :    For the moderator, your comment is downright disrespectful. You don't know the dynamics of someone else's relationship and have no right to insinuate that it's substandard because it's not what you would do.      I also gave my husband an ultimatum and he made the choice to propose. The details are non of your business so I won't elaborate but in the end we both ended up a happier, healthier couple and he would agree. Although we've only been married for 1 year, on our wedding day we had been together just shy of 15 years which I can sadly guarantee some of the "ideal" couples on these boards will never make it to. 
Posted by rainedrop6[/QUOTE]

<div>Yer not from 'round these here parts, arentcha.</div>

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_meltdown-long-but-used-paragraphs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:54997476-3aa0-46fa-a599-a12fb55742d5Post:a9cf2976-8ba0-445f-88bc-cbebf1ba65e4">Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs) :    For the moderator, your comment is downright disrespectful. You don't know the dynamics of someone else's relationship and have no right to insinuate that it's substandard because it's not what you would do.      I also gave my husband an ultimatum and he made the choice to propose. The details are non of your business so I won't elaborate but in the end we both ended up a happier, healthier couple and he would agree. Although we've only been married for 1 year, on our wedding day we had been together just shy of 15 years which I can sadly guarantee some of the "ideal" couples on these boards will never make it to. 
Posted by rainedrop6[/QUOTE]

Communication is critical in a relationship and ultimatums are the epitome of bad communication. It sets a standard that every time he doesn't want to do something your way you can just threaten to leave him and that is disrespectful to his opinions and goals and detrimental to the relationship as a whole. My timeline is not superior to his so what would give me the right to give him an ultimatum?  In a relationship you are supposed to make decisions together that suit both people, not just force one to bend to the will of the other through threats.

bethsmiles

NurseyK - I'm sorry your thread got hijacked. It sucks that you are disappointed but you could still be surprised. Also, if it's important to you that you not move in together before you are engaged you might want to discuss that with your BF again (not in a nagging way) just to make sure that you are both still on the same page.

AJesteram

 In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_meltdown-long-but-used-paragraphs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:54997476-3aa0-46fa-a599-a12fb55742d5Post:3cdd021b-f2be-4b9b-beb8-b1bafb60e902">Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs) : Math fail. ...Actually, there are several kinds of fails in this post.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

That's the first thing I saw too! Let's go back to elementary school shall we?!

rainedrop6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_meltdown-long-but-used-paragraphs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:54997476-3aa0-46fa-a599-a12fb55742d5Post:0f2dde9d-98d3-48b6-b429-46d06382c317">Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs) : Communication is critical in a relationship and ultimatums are the epitome of bad communication.<strong> It sets a standard that every time he doesn't want to do something your way you can just threaten to leave him and that is disrespectful to his opinions and goals and detrimental to the relationship as a whole.</strong> <strong>My timeline is not superior to his so what would give me the right to give him an ultimatum?</strong>  In a relationship you are supposed to make decisions together that suit both people, not just force one to bend to the will of the other through threats.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

<div>We are adults not teenagers, I don't threaten to leave him whenever I don't get my own way and neither does he.  To answer your question my timeline became superior when my biological clock started winding down and I became at a higher risk for having a baby with a disability and we weren't close to being married even though I'd waited patiently for him to propose on his own for 13 years.</div>

jeanacorina

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_meltdown-long-but-used-paragraphs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:54997476-3aa0-46fa-a599-a12fb55742d5Post:4561fb11-a55e-47a4-9e25-f0d1a4f3b85c">Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs) :my timeline became superior when my biological clock started winding down
Posted by rainedrop6[/QUOTE]

Well, in your sig pic you don't look a day over 22 to me! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

rainedrop6

Thanks Jeana, You've made my day. I appreciate that!!!

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_meltdown-long-but-used-paragraphs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:54997476-3aa0-46fa-a599-a12fb55742d5Post:4561fb11-a55e-47a4-9e25-f0d1a4f3b85c">Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs) : We are adults not teenagers, I don't threaten to leave him whenever I don't get my own way and neither does he.  To answer your question my timeline became superior when my biological clock started winding down and I became at a higher risk for having a baby with a disability and we weren't close to being married even though I'd waited patiently for him to propose on his own for 13 years.
Posted by rainedrop6[/QUOTE]

Look, 13 years is a little different than someone just being overeager.  Like you said, it was about your own personal goals.  To say to someone, "I love you, we've been together as long as I can remember, but I want to have kids and I want to be married before I have kids, and if I don't have kids in the next few years, it will become more difficult and risky.  So I need you to think really hard about whether this is what you want, because if you want to be with me then we need to start thinking about getting married in the next two years.  If you don't want to get married, then that's okay, but I will need to move on with my life to find someone who will."

That's not quite "I want to get married on 11/11/11 and we're running out of time to plan!  Either put an engagement ring on by this Valentines, or I'm breaking up with you."

One's a conversation that doesn't threaten, it just lets him know what your priorities are, and the other is a temper tantrum used by a child to get their way and a shiny ring.  Biiiiig difference in my mind!

NurseyK

Update to all...

BF and I had a really good talk last night. Doors were opened, hugs were given. I will write more on Friday when I have I time as I have to leave for work in 5 minutes.... and I work at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow, too.

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_meltdown-long-but-used-paragraphs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:54997476-3aa0-46fa-a599-a12fb55742d5Post:2b8db616-7316-4a06-bb3b-a494d8e999b3">Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs) : Look, 13 years is a little different than someone just being overeager.  Like you said, it was about your own personal goals.  <strong>To say to someone, "I love you, we've been together as long as I can remember, but I want to have kids and I want to be married before I have kids, and if I don't have kids in the next few years, it will become more difficult and risky.  So I need you to think really hard about whether this is what you want, because if you want to be with me then we need to start thinking about getting married in the next two years.  If you don't want to get married, then that's okay, but I will need to move on with my life to find someone who will." </strong>That's not quite "I want to get married on 11/11/11 and we're running out of time to plan!  Either put an engagement ring on by this Valentines, or I'm breaking up with you." One's a conversation that doesn't threaten, it just lets him know what your priorities are, and the other is a temper tantrum used by a child to get their way and a shiny ring.  Biiiiig difference in my mind!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Honestly, I don't feel like that is an ultimatum or a deadline.</div><div>
</div><div>I think that's just being honest about where you're at and what you want.</div><div>
</div><div>I think that's healthy and mature, and exactly the kind of thing that Nursey shouldn't be afraid to say to her BF. That none of us should be afraid to say to our SOs.</div><div>
</div><div>There's room for compromise in that bolded part above. There's room to have a conversation.</div><div>
</div><div>I think it's okay to have some things that are just deal-breakers, and it's important to be able to communicate about what those things are BEFORE you get married.</div><div>
</div>

calindi

Right, exactly, Desert.  I was saying what that girl was talking about, being at 13 years together with marriage not in sight and it was becoming a priority for her, isn't an ultimatum.  But giving a specific deadline for a ring "or else" isn't a healthy way to communicate.

desertsun

Oh, yeah, it kinda sounded like I was disagreeing with you, but I was really trying to agree with you and just expand a bit.

We are eye to eye on this one, Cate.

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_meltdown-long-but-used-paragraphs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:54997476-3aa0-46fa-a599-a12fb55742d5Post:f1303e7c-81dc-4fba-b7e1-7cf1aaf6a2fe">Re: Meltdown (long, but I used paragraphs)</a>:
[QUOTE]Update to all... BF and I had a really good talk last night. Doors were opened, hugs were given. I will write more on Friday when I have I time as I have to leave for work in 5 minutes.... and I work at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow, too.
Posted by NurseyK[/QUOTE]

That's great!  I'm glad you guys are working it out.