How are you finding peace with being pre-engaged?

savannah.heilman

Hi Knotties,
I am new to the boards. For a bit of background, my SO and I are high school sweethearts and are both in our mid-20s now. We both have stable jobs and have been saving for about a year for our future wedding/life together. We definitely know we want to be together and that we will get married. We have both even talked extensively about October of next year for our date.
However, he is slow to action. We've ring shopped together, talked out our vision for the wedding day, how we want our marriage to be a deeper, stronger version of our current sweet relationship, etc. However, I'm having a hard time relaxing and just enjoying this pre-engagement. I'm just getting impatient.
What are somethings you do/have done to help lessen the anxiety of the waiting game?

HeartOverMind

Don't look at your current relationship status as "pre-engagement". You are still dating and you should be enjoying each other as such.  You'll lose the present if you keep hoping, wishing, and planning for the future. Let your BF do the things he needs to do on his own time, be patient, and your time will come!

PaigeMcC

Pre-engaged = dating.

Enjoy the relationship you have.  I hate to be a debbie downer but being engaged only changes one thing about the relationship - you're now planning a wedding.  In all seriousness, there shouldn't be anything to "come to peace with".  Enjoy the time you have together and don't get all worked up about it.  It will happen when it's meant to happen and until then just enjoy dating.  

deburnin

Stop looking at it as pre-engagement and that you're waiting to start your lives together. You already have started your lives together. Enjoy it. Somedays are "worse" than others with being impatient and, for me, it's usually days when people decide to ask why BF and I aren't engaged yet (we are also HS sweethearts and have been together for over 5.5 years now).

Buying a house has taken a lot of the focus off getting a ring, but I don't suggest buying a house just because.

breezerb

I agree with the PPs (smart ladies!).  You just gotta roll with it and enjoy life as it's happening.

There have been a few times when I have caught myself pouting about the lack of engagement but the problem with that is when I am focusing on that, other areas of our relationship and SO himself isnt getting the attention it and he deserve.

Yes a ring would be lovely but I would rather take it day by day and enjoy how wonderful the "dating" life is then stress myself out about when he's going to propose.

CWill16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_finding-peace-being-pre-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5638a47d-da85-4694-a95c-42f5c273a532Post:eb00c3a7-163e-432f-a6e1-bbd756aff198">Re: How are you finding peace with being pre-engaged?</a>:
[QUOTE]Stop looking at it as pre-engagement and that you're waiting to start your lives together. You already have started your lives together. Enjoy it. <strong>Somedays are "worse" than others with being impatient and, for me, it's usually days when people decide to ask why BF and I aren't engaged yet (we are also HS sweethearts and have been together for over 5.5 years now).</strong> Buying a house has taken a lot of the focus off getting a ring, but I don't suggest buying a house just because.
Posted by deburnin[/QUOTE]

Sounds like my life.

I just try to focus on school and fun activities we can do together. I used to think about it way too much but there is no use in being anxious because we will have the rest of our lives together so waiting the next several months to be engaged is no big deal.

MLekathLEEN

Let him do it on his own time. He knows when you're planning on getting married and probably has the proposal aspect figures out. He's a big boy and won't need you help in reminding (aka pressuring) him. To keep calm, just get the timeline and will he/won't he stuff out of you head. Worrying about if it's going to happen soon will only drag it out. It'll happen when you least expect it so put it to the back of your mind and keep stepping.

Blue & White

Dating's pretty fun   So are things like having your own hobbies, etc.  Start a blog or set a goal of reading or crafting or doing something.  The ring/proposal will come whenever he decides.  Unless you do it first.  But I'm relatively sure my bf would NOT be for that.  For now, I'm perfecting my crabcake making and ability to shell a steamed crab properly (he's from Baltimore...he likes crabs).  Oh yea, and I craft like no one's business!

bethsmiles

i focus on the now. there r so many awesome things about my relationship as it is right now that i dont ruin it by only focusing on the future. 

jemmini6

I know how you feel.  My FI and I had talked marriage for over a year before we got engaged.  I knew we were going to get married eventually and sometimes the anticipation just made me wonder what he was waiting for.  However, all I needed to was to remind myself of how happy I was as things were and just remember that I knew it was coming at some point.

If you already have a tentative date in mind, I wouldn't worry about it too much, because it's probably coming sooner rather than later.  Don't prod either because you just might end up ruining the surprise.

jilly2121

After coming on the NYE boards I took everyone's advice about just living in the moment and enjoying the relationhsip now. If you've taken the steps, talking about marriage and ring shopping then the ring is definitely coming so that's one less thing you have to worry about. Also put it in perspective you will be with this person for the REST OF YOUR LIFE (if you dont believe in divorce of course) that's how I look at it. So whats a few more months without a ring...no wedding planning stress, enjoying just being bf and gf and also the anticipation of waiting for the proposial is exciting too. Hang in there the ring will be here before you know it!

katanne9

Joining the Knot and chatting with the other girls on NEY really helped me actually.

That and being determined to be satisfied that I was simply WITH the man I wanted to marry. Honestly, just enjoy the anticipation. It only happens once.

One year ago I was in the EXACT same place as you. Now I've been married for 6 weeks. I know everyone tells you it will be here before you know it, but seriously, it will.

Just sit back and wait. And when you get antsy, come talk to the girls on the boards or talk to your BF about it.

savannah.heilman

Oh, you ladies are amazing! Thank you so much. I feel better already. Excellent advice, esp about enjoying what we have right now and about investing in my hobbies. Thanks for the support!

HeartOverMind

You're welcome!

loopy82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_finding-peace-being-pre-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5638a47d-da85-4694-a95c-42f5c273a532Post:6f63b129-730a-49d9-a499-564cee02f823">Re: How are you finding peace with being pre-engaged?</a>:
[QUOTE]Now I've been married for 6 months.Posted by katanne9[/QUOTE]

Is there something you aren't telling us? :)

HeartOverMind

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_finding-peace-being-pre-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5638a47d-da85-4694-a95c-42f5c273a532Post:6173adad-2db6-407e-97aa-be45d5fe95f5">Re: How are you finding peace with being pre-engaged?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How are you finding peace with being pre-engaged? : Is there something you aren't telling us? :)
Posted by loopy82[/QUOTE]

I was confused about this, too. I thought katanne was married in August???

katanne9

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_finding-peace-being-pre-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5638a47d-da85-4694-a95c-42f5c273a532Post:6173adad-2db6-407e-97aa-be45d5fe95f5">Re: How are you finding peace with being pre-engaged?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How are you finding peace with being pre-engaged? : Is there something you aren't telling us? :)
Posted by loopy82[/QUOTE]


HAHA! OMG I know, I just saw that and fixed it.

Sorry to mislead you OP.

desertsun

ZOMG, Kat had a VOW RENEWAL 6 weeks ago and was married in secret at the courthouse for insurance purposes 6 months ago! SHOCK AND HORROR!!!11

Welcome, Savannah! Something that always helped me was trying to think about WHY I wanted to marry my (then) BF. Focusing on what I loved about him helped me focus on the present instead of the future, and I was much happier that way.

CASK85

I have been feeling pretty anxious myself.  This summer BF told me he'd probably propose during the coming winter -- I find myself focusing on it a lot. It is nice to read the advice of other ladies going through the "anticipation" phase and those who have been through it.  I too will try to enjoy our relationship as it is right now -- not that that is hard  

I haven't done a "formal" intro of myself to all of you, but I have posted a few responses and have been lurking for a while now. Maybe I should start a new thread as an intro. . . What say ye?

[Deleted User]

Everyone else has pretty much said it all.  Take time to enjoy your relationship - make sure you have date nights, even if it's just grabbing a cup of coffee and taking a walk.  We don't have a lot of money (didn't before we got engaged, either), so we've never been able to afford to have "big" date nights.  We've made free or really inexpensive date nights and I so appreciate those more than anything because they allow us to focus on us.  They're the memories we'll keep with us forever.

Desert has it right in thinking about why you love him and want to be with him for the rest of your life.  I started a monthly "why I love you" list that I would give now FI (January is 1 thing, October will be 10 things, etc).  He thinks they're completely corny, but he loves them.  I even slip him a note when I pack him a lunch every once is a while - I just write a quick note to tell him how special he is or something - I just discovered he's been keeping all of these in his wallet (no wonder he needs a new wallet).

Enjoy...and welcome aboard.

N1kk1d00dle

Thank you so much for your posts and advice!  My boyfriend and I will have been together 2 years in november. The talk of marriage has come up so many times! We already have certain details that we've both decided we absolutely have to have. And (unfortunately) I know he has my ring on layaway.. I'm very disappointed that I ruined that part of the suprise for myself (but that's another story) and now it seems like I've been driving myself crazy with the question of "WHEN" it's going to happen..  Instead of just being happy with my boyfriend it seems like I'm so caught up in that that I can't just enjoy our time together. But reading your posts makes me realize just how silly that is..
Anyways...
I just had to post to tell you guys I really appreciate the advice!

Back to my lurking status!!! 

ifoundmyhart

Just enjoy each other  i am the most impatient person ALIVE!!!i say live in the moment- my soon the be fiance said ''once we're engaged thats it! we will no longer be dating ever again''. so enjoy dating while looking forward to getting engaged....i am also anticipating getting engaged so youre not alone-hopefully they wont make us wait forever!
           -Jocelyn.

deuberj

I agree with everyone's advice and I would say the same thing to someone in my shoes...

but if only it was just that easy to "relax and enjoy this time!" I'm 35 so time is relative, I suppose. We've talked it all out and planned it all out... now it just needs to happen. I'm such a planner by nature and the not knowing part is what really has me, i think.

So yeah, that's me... inpatient control freak! (One lucky guy, huh?)

golfrgal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_finding-peace-being-pre-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5638a47d-da85-4694-a95c-42f5c273a532Post:6b16e686-2fc5-49f7-b66e-b3117cd21657">Re: How are you finding peace with being pre-engaged?</a>:
[QUOTE]... but if only it was just that easy to "relax and enjoy this time!" I'm 35 so time is relative, I suppose. We've talked it all out and planned it all out... now it just needs to happen. I'm such a planner by nature and the not knowing part is what really has me, i think. So yeah, that's me... inpatient control freak! (One lucky guy, huh? )
Posted by deuberj[/QUOTE]<div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">
<div>I'm totally in the same shoes as you.  Also 35 and can't stand the waiting!  My biological clock has been ticking like crazy for the past ten years and I can't stand it!  </div><div>
</div><div>My BF moved in to my house about a year and a half ago (we'll have been together for 2 years in Nov.).  I thought he'd propose way back when he moved in...but still waiting.  He has suddenly begun to slowly get on board the wedding idea and finally agreed to look at rings together.  So now I can at least rest assured that he does intend to buy one and that I'll like the style he picks.  But for some reason, that's still not enough...I keep trying to plan things out ahead of time.  </div><div>
</div><div>I'm addicted to all the bridal shows on WE TV and I keep printing out bridal gowns and checking out potential venues online....driving myself nuts.  I'm just glad I'm not the only obsessed control freak waiting for a ring!</div><div>
</div><div>Oh, and Hi everyone...I'm new to the board!</div></div></div>

CharityG87

I feel the same exact way... We just began starting to look at rings, and we want to shoot for October 2011 as well.. We probably won't be officially engaged until December. I'm beginning to think we are crazy.. and we have kinda tossed it around to wait until Spring 2012, but once we put it out there we shake our heads and say we don't want to wait that long...  Some background on us.. I am graduating college this December (perfect time to be engaged right?) He is a trained firefighter but waiting on his EMT to finish up and find a job.. Meanwhile working as a Locksmith...  He hasn't saved up too much money but plans on getting better at that.. I have some money saved, but not nearly enough for a wedding.. I'm still unsure where I will be at (jobwise) once I graduate...We are expecting all the help we can get.. We know photographers.. I work at a chocolate shop, so i can do the favors, we know dj's, we are just working on all the hook ups as we can to make this possible...I just don't know if it is possible? Do you think it's ridiculous to start planning before I even have the ring? He wants to start planning.. its just hard to when my parents don't know.. and won't know until I get the proposal.  Were very excited, and more than ready, I guess the finiances will be what is holding us back, but we just want to make it work. 

allishiare

In response to everyone but especially CharityG87 ! Man, I came to these mesg boards to ask the SAME QUESTIONS! Is it ridiculous to start planning before having the ring!? Because that's what im doing right now! haha. Its so cool to know im not the only crazy, planning, control freak out there! lol. My BF and I knew almost immediately that we were going to be together forever after being friends for YEARS. And actually, for the first time in my life, he was the one to bring up the 'love and marriage' topic ! He's the one that told me to start looking at TIFFANY'S rings and gave me a budget to work with!! Crazy huh?!?! BUT he says we have to wait 3 or 4 years because we don't want to be in that "divorce percentile" and we need to save up so we dont get married out of debt. (Obviously hes the smart one of the relationship haha) Anyway, naturally i am SOOO impatient so this is deff not easy for me. But after reading all these posts and occupying my time with other things, its become much easier. And I dont talk or pressure him about the wedding thing hardly at all any more. The times I do bring up wedding ideas he loves talking about them!

About the pre-planning thing. Personally, I dont want a SUPER long engagement and I feel like 6mnth-1yr is a crazy amnt of time to plan such a memorable day.Not to mention, naturally I am a planner. Its just my thing. So things have to be perfect. I feel like, if you KNOW, theres nothing wrong with getting planning done ahead of time. Im not BOOKING anything but im getting quotes on things, flower ideas, venues,colors, etc etc! This website deff ROCKS with ALL planning things you need!! I could spend DAYS on here and never run out of things to do or look at!

So besides to SLIGHT pre-planning, lets cherish the moment we have now! We may never get it back!!

P.S. I'm kind of new to this whole mesg board thing so, NICE to meet you ladies!!

heyimbren

I don't think planning and looking at wedding details is a good way to find peace before you're engaged.

There, I said it.

deburnin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_finding-peace-being-pre-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5638a47d-da85-4694-a95c-42f5c273a532Post:1f5700b4-daf1-4449-ac62-393286ee99f8">Re: How are you finding peace with being pre-engaged?</a>:
[QUOTE]In response to everyone but especially CharityG87 ! Man, I came to these mesg boards to ask the SAME QUESTIONS! Is it ridiculous to start planning before having the ring!? Because that's what im doing right now! haha. Its so cool to know im not the only crazy, planning, control freak out there! lol. My BF and I knew almost immediately that we were going to be together forever after being friends for YEARS. And actually, for the first time in my life, he was the one to bring up the 'love and marriage' topic ! He's the one that told me to start looking at TIFFANY'S rings and gave me a budget to work with!! Crazy huh?!?! BUT <strong>he says we have to wait 3 or 4 years </strong>because we don't want to be in that "divorce percentile" and we need to save up so we dont get married out of debt. (Obviously hes the smart one of the relationship haha) Anyway, naturally i am SOOO impatient so this is deff not easy for me. But after reading all these posts and occupying my time with other things, its become much easier. And I dont talk or pressure him about the wedding thing hardly at all any more. The times I do bring up wedding ideas he loves talking about them! About the pre-planning thing. Personally, I dont want a SUPER long engagement and I feel like 6mnth-1yr is a crazy amnt of time to plan such a memorable day.Not to mention, naturally I am a planner. Its just my thing. So things have to be perfect. I feel like, if you KNOW, theres nothing wrong with getting planning done ahead of time. Im not BOOKING anything but <strong>im getting quotes on things, flower ideas, venues,colors, etc etc! </strong>This website deff ROCKS with ALL planning things you need!! I could spend DAYS on here and never run out of things to do or look at! So besides to SLIGHT pre-planning, lets cherish the moment we have now! We may never get it back!! P.S. I'm kind of new to this whole mesg board thing so, NICE to meet you ladies!! :)
Posted by allishiare[/QUOTE]

<div>You do realize that all of those quotes will probably be worthless 4 years from now, right?</div>

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_finding-peace-being-pre-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5638a47d-da85-4694-a95c-42f5c273a532Post:1f5700b4-daf1-4449-ac62-393286ee99f8">Re: How are you finding peace with being pre-engaged?</a>:
[QUOTE]In response to everyone but especially CharityG87 ! Man, I came to these mesg boards to ask the SAME QUESTIONS! Is it ridiculous to start planning before having the ring!? Because that's what im doing right now! haha. Its so cool to know im not the only crazy, planning, control freak out there! lol. My BF and I knew almost immediately that we were going to be together forever after being friends for YEARS. And actually, for the first time in my life, he was the one to bring up the 'love and marriage' topic ! He's the one that told me to start looking at TIFFANY'S rings and gave me a budget to work with!! Crazy huh?!?! BUT he says we have to wait 3 or 4 years because we don't want to be in that "divorce percentile" and we need to save up so we dont get married out of debt. (Obviously hes the smart one of the relationship haha) Anyway, naturally i am SOOO impatient so this is deff not easy for me. But after reading all these posts and occupying my time with other things, its become much easier. And I dont talk or pressure him about the wedding thing hardly at all any more. The times I do bring up wedding ideas he loves talking about them! About the pre-planning thing. Personally, I dont want a SUPER long engagement and I feel like 6mnth-1yr is a crazy amnt of time to plan such a memorable day.Not to mention, naturally I am a planner. Its just my thing. So things have to be perfect. I feel like, if you KNOW, theres nothing wrong with getting planning done ahead of time. Im not BOOKING anything but im getting quotes on things, flower ideas, venues,colors, etc etc! This website deff ROCKS with ALL planning things you need!! I could spend DAYS on here and never run out of things to do or look at! So besides to SLIGHT pre-planning, lets cherish the moment we have now! We may never get it back!! P.S. I'm kind of new to this whole mesg board thing so, NICE to meet you ladies!! :)
Posted by allishiare[/QUOTE]

But I'm a PLLAAAAAAANERRRRRRR.

::boom:: <------ that is my head. exploding.

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_finding-peace-being-pre-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5638a47d-da85-4694-a95c-42f5c273a532Post:08ce4087-bbdc-42c0-9626-25605e10cc2a">Re: How are you finding peace with being pre-engaged?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How are you finding peace with being pre-engaged? : But I'm a PLLAAAAAAANERRRRRRR. ::boom:: <------ that is my head. exploding.
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

this.

Narwhal

What is the difference between having a long engagement and planning your wedding now? Either way, you're taking a lot of time to plan for one day. Just because a ring comes at the middle instead of the beginning doesn't make the time any shorter.

Lrn math plz