POLL: How long did you wait....

desertsun

to have sex with your BF/FI/H?

I'm curious about this b/c I have a friend who always sleeps with a new guy within the first couple weeks. And she would LOVE to have a serious relationship, but hasn't had one that lasted longer than a couple months in a very long time.

I have a theory that waiting demonstrates self respect and an interest in having a serious relationship with another person that is based on mutual respect, shared interests, and similar values, NOT on sex. I think it's POSSIBLE to have a good relationship after you've slept with someone early on, but my theory is that this is more rare than relationships that last after people waited a bit longer.

I'd like some solid numbers though to see if I'm right or wrong.

desertsun

Advance warning that this is a post and run.  I have a meeting to get to, but I'm excited to see all the responses when I get back in an hour or so!

Wrkn925

Excuse me while I try to get my eyebrows back down out of my hairline....


OK, now that the shock is over.  I'll answer.
Not long enough.  Like two weeks after I started flirting with him, like a week after our first date.

BF and I had an odd, rocky start.  He was a bartender, and honestly, I just wanted some fun.  He's the one night stand/fling  that hasn't left for two years...

Of course, I'm glad he stuck around.  We have a wonderful relationship now.  But if you would've asked me when I was drunk on a barstool trying to get free drinks out of the bartender if I could see myself marrying him, I would have spit my Soco everywhere.

PaigeMcC

FBD and I didn't even kiss til we'd been dating 6 or 8 weeks.  We're hardcore like that.  And by hardcore I mean I didn't know if we were dating or not.  LOL

The sexy times came soon after.  

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_poll-long-did-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:58b21805-b498-4b84-aa5d-434b0822c1c8Post:1dfee14b-6655-4dd3-8fbf-80fd40ed2b17">Re: POLL: How long did you wait....</a>:
[QUOTE]Excuse me while I try to get my eyebrows back down out of my hairline.... OK, now that the shock is over.  I'll answer. Not long enough.  Like two weeks after I started flirting with him, like a week after our first date. BF and I had an odd, rocky start.  He was a bartender, and honestly, I just wanted some fun.  He's the one night stand/fling  that hasn't left for two years... Of course, I'm glad he stuck around.  We have a wonderful relationship now.  <strong>But if you would've asked me when I was drunk on a barstool trying to get free drinks out of the bartender if I could see myself marrying him, I would have spit my Soco everywhere.</strong>
Posted by Wrkn925[/QUOTE]
hehehe

heyimbren

I voted over 6 months, because that's what happened although ideally I had really wanted to wait until marriage. Which is exactly why I need to limit the amount I drink with BF.

Sooo that's how I voted but maybe I'm an "other" because we agreed to abstain from now on (I know, I know I'm a terrible GF).

StarGazingHiker

We waited about 3 months because we both wanted to make sure it wasn't a casual date a few times type of thing...

motoLyn

I clicked other.  Fi and I knew each other and were friends before we started dating.  The way he and  I started dating  is such a LONG and complicated story.  I don't mind telling it but it requires the reader to settle in for a long winters read.  Anyways when he and I stated realizing that we were attracted to one another then it was a fight not to give into temptation and rip his clothes off.  We actually started off as FWB but then morphed into a serious relationship.  So to answer your question a year as friends, two weeks before making out, and a month at being mad at him and then two weeks before I sacked him.

Wrkn925

Bren, you are not a bad GF.  Sometimes, I don't understand waiting.
BUT, I have to give major props to those who truly stand by their beliefs. 
And the fact that you slipped, and still choose to return to those beliefs just makes you look more dedicated to them.

CASK85

When I was in college I was kind of a hoar - slept with guys really soon after meeting them. . . I was also technically not in a real relationship for 3 years of college. So, you do the math. 

Once I got to grad school I decided to make myself wait until I knew I really liked a guy to do it - which ended up being over a month for each of the guys I've been with since moving here. Two of them were 3 month "relationships" and then I met current BF - we're still going strong at 2 years and counting. We did pretty much everything but for the first month and a half before we did it. 

Maybe your friend is just choosing the wrong dudes, not being a hoar. My best friend slept with her guy like, the first night they went out. They'll be getting married in May around their 3 year anniversary. 

SeaTea02

I was really young when we started dating and we decided to wait until we were both 18, so 3 years. 

BUT we did other "stuff" so if this poll applies to other than just sex my answer is 1-3 weeks. 

[Deleted User]

We didnt kiss until 3 weeks after our first date... and our first time was 1 month and 1 day from our first date...

LOL @ Wrkn!! "He's the one night stand/fling  that hasn't left for two years..."

Wrkn925

In response to the solid numbers related to timing,  I got two that stuck around.

One fling lasted 1 1/2 years.

One is current BF.

I had a few that might have 'evolved' differently, but I'm glad they didn't.
(I had some college years  like chiano.  I want to write a book, a la Chelsea Handler style.)

JMM4208

I totally clicked my answer and now I feel like a slut, lol. In my defense, regular sex didn't occur until the 2 month mark. I honestly dont know how people can wait till marriage, with the attraction and all. I know its the christian thing, and you don't have to worry about being knocked up but it just seems to me marrying without ever having sex is like buying bread without giving it a squeeze to see if its stale. Not to knock anyones beliefs though, total props to you guys who can make it, I just know its something I would need to know before thinking about marrying someone.

CASK85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_poll-long-did-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:58b21805-b498-4b84-aa5d-434b0822c1c8Post:c0ec17b3-2407-4c6a-8030-a8912699fd2e">Re: POLL: How long did you wait....</a>:
[QUOTE]In response to the solid numbers related to timing,  I got two that stuck around. One fling lasted 1 1/2 years. One is current BF. I had a few that might have 'evolved' differently, but I'm glad they didn't. <strong>(I had some college years  like chiano.  I want to write a book, a la Chelsea Handler style.)</strong>
Posted by Wrkn925[/QUOTE]
Oh college . . . the good (and also very bad) ol' days.  I've yet to read a Chelsea Handler book, but I have a feeling she'd make me laugh my ass off. 

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_poll-long-did-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:58b21805-b498-4b84-aa5d-434b0822c1c8Post:a35c1849-7db5-4b4c-be59-78ea74b6012b">Re: POLL: How long did you wait....</a>:
[QUOTE]Bren, you are not a bad GF.  Sometimes, I don't understand waiting. BUT, I have to give major props to those who truly stand by their beliefs.  And the fact that you slipped, and still choose to return to those beliefs just makes you look more dedicated to them.
Posted by Wrkn925[/QUOTE]

We agreed we'd rather wait, and we'd already waited so it didn't seem too bad. His uncle gives him such a hard time about it, he's always telling him to break up with me and find a girl closer than will just have sex all the time. It's like, um hello? I'm right here. But thanks Wrkn. But J puts up with a lot more than I ever could haha.

EDIT: Lyn, you always allude to this story of yours and I'm really curious about the whole thing. You WILL have to share it some day ;)

PaigeMcC

CHELSEA HANDLER! YES!

Okay, sorry...had a celeb swoon moment there.

*ahem*

deburnin

Looking back we went really fast. We only waited till about 3 months in. Considering we were both only in high school and it was my first relationship, it seems insane to me, but things worked out for the good.

bourgehm

We're waiting for marriage, but I don't look down on people who decide to not of course. We just feel that's best for us, and for religious reasons as well.

Wrkn925

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_poll-long-did-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:58b21805-b498-4b84-aa5d-434b0822c1c8Post:128b0ee9-3af3-4683-a136-55f4600ae337">Re: POLL: How long did you wait....</a>:
[QUOTE]CHELSEA HANDLER! YES! Okay, sorry...had a celeb swoon moment there. *ahem*
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]

She's my girl crush.  I've read all three books.  Chuey's is on my wishlist.

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_poll-long-did-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:58b21805-b498-4b84-aa5d-434b0822c1c8Post:185e326b-77ec-4c62-bc8b-cf1d1aac5c69">Re: POLL: How long did you wait....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: POLL: How long did you wait.... : She's my girl crush.  I've read all three books.  Chuey's is on my wishlist.
Posted by Wrkn925[/QUOTE]
She's my girl crush too! lol  I've read all the books...then I re-read them on the beach in Cuba with lots of rum punch (good setting!).  I want Chunk.  He's too cute.

Bec20

We waited 8½ months, because when we're high school sweethearts.  He had given me a promise ring on my 17th birthday when he was 18 and a bit.  I still made him wait another four months after that, but he was unbelivably patient.

bsidebella

Other. FI and I started out as friends with benefits but that only lasted about a month before we realized we were perfect for each other. So we were sleeping together before we were even dating. But he's the only guy I've ever slept with...I don't know how that reflects on me.

motoLyn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_poll-long-did-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:58b21805-b498-4b84-aa5d-434b0822c1c8Post:4756c2d3-79cd-496b-b0d4-69dede3ab503">Re: POLL: How long did you wait....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: POLL: How long did you wait.... : . EDIT: Lyn, you always allude to this story of yours and I'm really curious about the whole thing. You WILL have to share it some day ;)
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

Bren I know you like to read and since you're snowed in and work is super slow, I'll write it out for you and send it your way via PM.  I just hoped I didn't hype it up more than it is and be a let down.  Though I'll try my best.  I'll notify you when its done. 

bethsmiles

BF and I are waiting till marriage, its our religious beliefs and its important to both of us. We don't judge people who don't but for us its the best decision.

lindsayrae1986

FI and i are waiting for marriage.  he will be my first and i will be his second.

HeartOverMind

It was five months after we officially started dating, I wanted to wait until marriage but it didn't happen that way. He's just so gosh darn cute. lol. I would still like to abstain, but it's so hard.

JMM4208

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_poll-long-did-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:58b21805-b498-4b84-aa5d-434b0822c1c8Post:3d4b5cc3-f68b-4495-a92a-9875c4081b24">Re: POLL: How long did you wait....</a>:
[QUOTE]It was five months after we officially started dating, I wanted to wait until marriage but it didn't happen that way. He's just so gosh darn cute. lol. I would still like to abstain, but it's so hard.
Posted by HeartOverMind[/QUOTE]


Agreed, my honey is so cute its impossible. But I have said that we're cutting it off 3 months before the wedding when that happens.

marleylikeair

It took us about 3 dates/3 days. Buuuuut we were kind of already "dating" for about a month and a half, long-distance, that is, talking for hours every day and falling in love.

With my ex (I was with him for 2 1/2 years and I was the one to end it), it took 2 or 3 weeks.

Honestly, I think how soon you have sex has much less to do with the success of the relationship than everything else. If the two people are right for each other, it doesn't matter. Compatibility, love, respect for one another...these things don't depend upon when you have sex. They're either there or they're not. I will say, though, that I think if you sleep with the guy RIGHT away (y'know, within 24 hours of meeting him), I think it's likely you'll be written off as a fling. But sometimes even that can grow into something! I also think that if a guy likes and respects you, often he won't be pushing for sex right away. He's interested in YOU and not just getting laid.

I think sex also changes things, hopefully for the better, but not always. I think that 90% of the time, you don't know everything about the relationship or the other person until you have sex. I don't necessarily think that that means everyone should do it before getting married--I have a lot of respect for waiting and sometimes I think that's what I should have done. It would have been better for my heart. But that's just me.

I think the old way of thinking--that you should wait until you're married because the guy will never commit otherwise--is flawed. Having sex can definitely slow things down (years-long engagements as opposed to months-long), but often, that's a good thing. You get to know the person better and you can make a more rational decision about whether the two of you want to spend the rest of your lives together.

I am NOT directing this to anyone on this board who is waiting for marriage. You're doing what's right for you, and that rocks. I'm just saying these are some of my reasons for believing that waiting isn't necessarily the key to a successful relationship and marriage, and thus shouldn't be advocated for everyone.

I feel rambly. Hope this is making some sense. To answer the poll, I'm clicking "other."

calindi

I could go into a whole thing about not feeling guilty, regardless of what your choice was - the first night you met or your wedding night - own your sexuality and do what's right for you.  Sexual awareness and all that.

But I'll spare you my philosophical views on how being sexually active does not make a girl a slut.  I've had one night stands and I'm not in the least ashamed of those.  They were choices I made at the time based off what was right for me.  If I were to find myself single again at some point in my life, I'm sure I'd have more.

Also, I dislike the idea that if a girl holds out on sex that it will somehow make her more "serious" about the relationship.  While society just assumes that men always want it, so they don't hold it against them as much.  Men are players, women are sluts.  Blah blah blah.  I don't buy any of it.

BF and I met when I was 23 and he was 25.  We both had similar sexual histories - basically, extensive and thorough.  We were very good friends when we started dating, and we both knew a rough idea of each other's past.  So we tried to take it slow, if only because we weren't sure it would last and we wanted to give ourselves an "out" if one of us wanted to return to "just friends" before we got serious.  It was one of those "all or nothing" situations since we were such good friends.  We lasted exactly a week from when he first kissed me.  We still laugh about how proud we are that we lasted a week - I literally begged him, "Put me out of my misery!" the day we (finally) did it!

Blue & White

It took us just under 6 months (so I voted "over 3 months").  My ex and I waited something like 3 years cause we started dating in high school.  So while I'd like to believe your theory, I don't really emulate it.