Dear Facebook

Wrkn925

Dear person that just sent me a friend request;

I haven't seen you since high school.  And we weren't really friends then.
If we saw each other in our hometown, we would have an awkward moment where we would look at each other puzzled, and then walk 15 more paces before we would realize who we'd just encountered. There would be no reason to stop and catch up, because I would require an update from the time you were born until now, minus the five minute conversation we had Junior year.
I have zero interest in what's going on in your life, and you really don't care about me. So why? 
This is not a game.  Whoever dies with the most FB friends does not win a prize. 

Please excuse me while I ignore your request for an undetermined amount of time, or until I think I can safely deny it without you sending me a message asking why.

With great sincerity,

Wrkn.


Your turn.  Open letter to a FB friend, ex-friend, oversharer, odd request... whatever.  Entertain me.  I have another hour of laundry before I can go to bed.

bethsmiles

Dear ex-FB friend,

I get that you are happy you just got married and are in the midst of your newly wed bliss. I am happy for you. But I DO NOT CARE about how much you love your husband. Every day its the same thing said in a different way. Why do you need to tell all of facebookland about your love for your husband, just tell him. He is not far away, you LIVE with him. My news feed is full of these constant updates about how much you love him. Why?! Why do you feel the need to share this all the time?!

I am deleting you. I could just block you but I don't really like you that much anyways.

Sincerely,

Beth

P.S. your husband has an awkwardly big head

Athsea

Dear Overly-curious father of a friend of FI,

Thank you for your message wishing us well. Um, why did you send it to me and not him? I don't know you, or your son- he does. By the way, we've been together for awhile, so this relationship isn't anything new, contrary to what your message conveys. I'm sure you mean well, but...I'm a little weirded out.

Sincerely,
Someone who was taught not to talk to strangers

deburnin

Dear ex-friend,

Get over it. The ending of our friendship happened months ago and it was you who ended it. Stop harping on it. Oh and kindly back the eff off my BFF.

Love, Annoyed

Dear FB friend from high school,

Was it really necessary to combine yours and your husband's name into one so you could share an account? Really? Did getting married magically turn you into one person?

Sincerely, Baffled

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dear-facebook?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:617da794-0450-4946-9fd5-d0aeb5887a6fPost:471677cb-93f0-47ab-9691-fd24cfafd043">Re: Dear Facebook</a>:
[QUOTE]Dear ex-friend, Get over it. The ending of our friendship happened months ago and it was you who ended it. Stop harping on it. Oh and kindly back the eff off my BFF. Love, Annoyed Dear FB friend from high school, Was it really necessary to combine yours and your husband's name into one so you could share an account? Really?<strong> Did getting married magically turn you into one person? </strong>Sincerely, Baffled
Posted by deburnin[/QUOTE]

I don't know about you but I plan on BF and I magically turning into the same person on our wedding day, and from that day on everything we do will be combined because without him I have no life :/

ravenray

Dear FB friend,

Stop talking to me every time I log on.  Quite frankly I know you don't care about my life and you just want to talk to me about my friend.  No she does not like you.  She thinks you're fat, as shallow as that may seem.  Sorry I am not going to persuade her to go out with you.  Stop treating me like I am in high school with you.  Just leave me alone.

Seriously considering de-friending you,

Annoyed.

SKP82

Dear relative who is my friend on Facebook,

I know we're friends on Facebook, but do you not know how to communicate with me outside the internet?  Just to clue you in, Facebook is NOT the appropriate setting to tell me that my father was in the hospital (thanks for sending me a message before you posted it all over your wall the 2nd time it happened).  I'm sure you have my phone number, so what's the deal?  Can't call or send a text with this important information? 

Oh, and I'm still waiting for a "thank you" for the Christmas gift I sent.  "Hubby and I are going out to a fancy dinner with a gift card from Christmas" posted on your wall does NOT equal a thank you.

You're about to be deleted if you keep this sh!t up.

Seriously.
S

PaigeMcC

Dear FB friends,

I don't care how much you love or hate so-and-so.  Really, I don't.  Amuse me, update me on your life, post something interesting or fvck off.

kthx

calindi

Dear Cousin,

I get you love your boyfriend.  And I get you miss him since he lives in Texas and you live in Connecticut.  But you're really nauseating everyone who can see your statuses.  I don't need to know the exact number of days since your first kiss, I don't need to know how many hours (in the thousands) until you see him again.  And I really don't want to see those videos you post where you lipsync cheesy songs to him.

Andplusalso, you're going to end up hurt with your head this far in the sand.  You guys have sent a grand total of 4 days together in the 9 months you've been dating.  You're both so young, and you've never had a boyfriend before.  I'm afraid that you're going to end up horribly hurt if this ends.  It's great to be in love, but try to find some friends and activities and interests outside your long distance boyfriend.

Lovingly concerned,
Your big cousin




Dear Friend from Kindergarten,

Yes, I accepted your FB invite because I know you have developmental issues and so rely on friends from childhood.  I'm happy to keep in touch, and even visit with you while I'm visiting my parents.  I'm even happy to chat with you once in awhile on Facebook - but not every day.  And not about our friend who passed away.  He's been gone over a year now, and one of his last requests was that his name never be mentioned on Facebook again.  If you'll remember, he hated Facebook.  Please stop posting FB statuses about him and how much you miss him.  Please stop obsessing about his death.  If there's anything he'd hate, it would be the constant diatribe about him that you keep going on and on and on about every single day.  Even his girlfriend has respected his wishes by not posting about him on Facebook.  Move on, please.  Get help if you need it, but let it go.  It's what he would have wanted.

Concerned,
An Old Friend

Beads921

Dear Ex-FB Friend:

Inviting me to your Buck n Doe (AKA your 'give me money' event) and then deleting me was lame in almost every way. If we're not close enough to be FB friends, why on earth did you think we were close enough for me to come give you money for your wedding? FB fail.

Sincerely, 

Someone who now feels less than zero obligation to attend your Buck n Doe

(I know this happened a while ago, but Facebook hasn't been bugging me much lately...ohh, except this one:)

Dear BF's Mom, BF's sister, SIL, and little sister:

Thank you for thinking of me when you decided to send around the stupid 'post a certain drink in your status based on your relationship status' message. I will not be following through, however. It's stupid. What was the point, exactly? The bra colour one was kinda fun and cutesy and mildly had a point. This is just stupid stupid stupid. And clearly did not catch on.

Sincerely, 

Me

SeaTea02

Dear people from high school who I never once spoke to, 

I know I got engaged and it is cool. Thank you for being interested. HOWEVER, just because I got engaged does not mean that you should add me as a friend so you can be nosey and see my pictures. 

Sincerely, 

You will be denied. 

AudgiePodge

Dear FB,

You rock!

AP

AudgiePodge

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dear-facebook?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:617da794-0450-4946-9fd5-d0aeb5887a6fPost:6421ea35-831b-4c07-a823-6045c589674e">Re: Dear Facebook</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dear Facebook : No, but participating in the human centipede project did.
Posted by sunbird627[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div><3 you.

</div>

tuarceatha

Dear FB friend,

Though I know you have the right to your opinions, please do not bad mouth our professors in your facebook status. I love that one particular professor and do not appreciate your offensive words.
Also this is not my[___] or 2004. PLEASE stop uploading 47 pictures of just your face an arms' distance away. We get it, you like to pout add style your hair.  

Best,
jenjennifer

cu97tiger

Dear random girl I went to HS with,

FB did not accidentally delete you as my friend. I woke up one day and realized that I didn't give a flying fig what you were up to, and didn't really want you all up in my business, so I deleted you. You really shouldn't have bothered trying to re-friend me.

From,

The woman who can't even remember your name

PS You still have the same hairstyle from 1993. Change. It.

Dear guy I worked with 7 years ago,

You wore a mascot suit, I worked for the team. That does not make us friends. In other news, you friend-requesting me reminded me that I don't want 'Friends of Friends' to be able to see my pictures. Thanks for the heads up.

From,

Me

Oooh, that was fun!

marleylikeair

Dear annoying chick I used to be friends with,

You know why I just rejected your FB friend request for the fourth time? We are not friends anymore. We were, for a year or two, but then I found out you weren't that nice of a person, you were insecure, and you turned into kind of a green-eyed monster when I moved to NYC. You also dated a guy who'd previously tried to rape you, then got knocked up and married him. You are a mess. When we were "friends" I think I was really more of a sounding board/source of validation for you. You suck. I will not be adding you as a friend.

Peace out,
Marley
P. S. I don't believe any baby is ugly, but if there *were* going to be an ugly baby...I'm looking at yours.

musikbx

Dear high school BFF to whom I rarely speak, That passive aggressive status update isn't going to make your guy propose. Way to air your dirty laundry in public. Sincerely, A former friend, who's also had to play the waiting game

Elle1036

Dear the Majority of My FB Friends,

Posting an occasional comment on current events is fine, but continuously posting ill-informed political rants in your status will not change my opinion on anything except your worth as a human being.

Love and Kisses,
Opinionated

alanna91

Dear ex Facebook Friends,

I deactivated my facebook last week. It's not you, it's facebook.
I don't miss it, probably because my life has gone on just fine without knowing the girl I had sophomore year Biology with had chicken salad for lunch and the guy from my old after-school job is watching "Jersey Shore GTL BABY!"

Enjoy your food and Jersey Shore, my friends.