Not Engaged Yet

Bumming out a bit...

My BF and I have been talking about getting married for a year now. However, back in November, both of his grandpas died, and he has seemed to forget the whole idea. It was fine until we went to a Christmas party at his mother's, and everyone kept looking at my left hand and reminding my BF "It IS December, right?". Eventually, my BF got frustrated and said "Well, a lot of things have HAPPENED since I said December."

Now I am left here, wondering if he was supposed to be proposing to me. I can't help but feel guilty, since he did lose two grandparents, but I am still very hurt that he would tell everyone December. I was so embarassed, and still am, but I haven't said anything to my BF. Now I feel like the magic of a proposal would be gone if he asked me now. Does that make sense?

Sorry. Guess I just need to pout a little bit...

Re: Bumming out a bit...

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I don't understand why you are embarrassed or why the magic of a proposal would be lost now.

    Life Lesson: Life happens and plans change.

    It's not like he isn't going to propose at all so I don't understand the pouting or being hurt. Just keep being patient.


  • SwazzleSwazzle New Jersey member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2012
    So, he may have planned to propose to you in December and then 2 of his grandparents died and you're upset that he hasn't followed through? I think you should stop being selfish and focus on being there for your BF who is likely going through a rough time right now. Also, we do NOT condone preplanning here and there's no such thing as an "almost fiance". (Re: your post on Just Engaged which I can't link to because I'm on my phone.)



  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2012
    ... wow. Just... wow.

    ETA: My fiancé's mom's family isn't even celebrating Christmas this year because they're still so devastated by his grandmother's death. What would make you think that the first thing on his mind is getting engaged? My fiancé's grandmother wanted to see us married before she died, but we didn't even get engaged until six months after she died. There are some things in life that are more important than engagement.

  • I agree with the other posters, his granddads just died, give him a break.  Nothing is ruined about the proposal unless you let it be.  It is still coming so there is nothing to worry about.  
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

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  • SwazzleSwazzle New Jersey member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to Re:Bumming out a bit...:[QUOTE]My BF and I have been talking about getting married for a year now. However, back in November, both of his grandpas died, and he has seemed to forget the whole idea. It was fine until we went to a Christmas party at his mother's, and everyone kept looking at my left hand and reminding my BF "It IS December, right?". Eventually, my BF got frustrated and said "Well, a lot of things have HAPPENED since I said December."Now I am left here, wondering if he was supposed to be proposing to me.nbsp;I can't help but feel guilty, since he did lose two grandparents, but I am still very hurt that he would tell everyone December. I was so embarassed, and still am, but I haven't said anything to my BF. Now I feel like the magic of a proposal would be gone if he asked me now. Does that make sense?Sorry. Guess I just need to pout a little bit... Posted by StephanieDuckie[/QUOTE]

    JIC



  • This is the problem with building up expectations and not appreciating your relationship for what it is.  Right now, your focus should be on being as supportive as you can be for your BF's loss and trying to be as uncomplicated for him as possible so that he has the emotional space to process his feelings.  You should not be foot stomping, pouting, or brooding because you or anyone else expected a proposal to be forthcoming.

     

    So, what if he was planning to propose and it is delayed now?  At least you know it is on his mind and likely in your future.  Get over yourself and your expectations, and quit acting like the spoiled child who didn't get their pony for Christmas.  Show your BF some sympathy and support and the rest will come.

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  • When I lost my Pap-pap I was devastated. I can't imagine having lost 2 grandparents in one month.

    You need to be there for your BF. Stop worrying about the ring and start being there and helping your BF through this difficult time. Don't be embarrassed about not having a ring. Be happy you have such a wonderful person your life who loves you.
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  • IrishDreamerIrishDreamer member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2012
    In my honest opinion, and I may be a little harsh, but you are coming across as a real right twaaat. Your BF lost two grandfathers in a short period. How do you think he feels? So the proposal didn't happen the way you thought it would. That's part of life. Support your bf instead of being a whiner. Yes, his family shouldn't have brought it up, but be the bigger person and move on.
  • In my opinion, his family was extremely rude bringing that up to you.  But you should have stepped up and said "BF has just lost 2 very important people in his life and we are not thinking about being engaged at this moment."  You should have put them in their place!  I can't even believe that you're pouting over not being engaged when your BF's 2 relatives just DIED.  I hope he finds out how selfish you really are before popping the question.  Wow.
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  • Honestly, I think Xmas proposals are kind of unoriginal.  I wouldn't be sad that you "missed out" on that.

    And, as he said, "a lot HAS happened".  Be patient.  If you are really upset about him, talk to him about it and make sure you're on the same page.  Then wait patiently, don't pout, and don't badger him.

  • It appears that she has deleted her name and page. Anyone else see that?
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  • edited December 2012
    Even though the OP may be gone - I just wanted to add some thoughts:

    I agree with some of the previous posts, the guy's family was VERY rude mentioning it to you or with you around.  That's just crappy of them!  And the Christmas engagement is quite unoriginal, too.

    And it is selfish of you to put yourself first when he lost his grandfathers.  Waiting one month isn't much, waiting a few months isn't much.  My boyfriend and I have talked about marriage since the first few months we were dating - nearly 5 years ago.  We started serious discussions this year, and he intended to do it over the Spring/Summer.  But he bought a house, and it was a very long process, so things got delayed.  Things happen.

    He still hasn't proposed, and I am trying to be patient :)  Yes, I'm antsy, but you've got to keep in mind what's going on in the big picture - and waiting some months won't interfere with much in the long run.  Just be patient, and give him time.
  • Although from a logical standpoint I agree with many of the previous posts, some of the responses this woman received struck me as pretty harsh. It seemed to me like she was geuinely feeling embarrassed because her BF told people, including her family, that they'd be getting engaged this winter and then backed off, causing her to have to field questions and maybe (in her mind) making her look foolish for having expected a proposal. She acknowleged that she knew the circumstances made her feelings look petty. Sure, her feelings might not be the most noble response to the her boyfriend's family circumstances, but feelings aren't always as noble as we'd wish them to be. I hate when I see bullying on the boards. I know that many posters think something like, "Don't ask a question if you don't want my honest answer," but honesty and consideration aren't mutually exclusive. (Also, it's kind of weird to shame someone for being insensitive while being insensitive to that person. Food for thought.) If the OP is out there reading, I hope that she'll come back.
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