How do I get over this?

lunarsongbird

Okay- you may have read that Andrew had a girl friend over last night...who stayed after I went to bed. It bothered me. And the more I sat in bed- it bothered me more.

My mother raised me to believe that you ought not to even give the appearance of infidelity. So I don't maintain relationships with other men- I just don't think it's appropriate. If I happen to meet a guy that I like (such as my co-worker)- I usually end up being friends with his wife/girlfriend- and we hang out together as a couple. I don't carry on relationships with single men- I don't think it's fair to Andrew.

I'm of the sentiment of Harry in "When Harry Met Sally"- I don't think single men and women can ever really just be friends.

So I'm really bothered with the prospect of Andrew spending time alone with single girls...especially in our home (now and in the future). Especially when these girls have made it pretty evidently clear that if Andrew was single...they would try to get with him.

Now don't get me wrong- I'm not at all threatened by the girls he is choosing to spend time with. I just think it's wrong...and kinda disrespectful.

Of course he just sees it as me "not trusting him." This isn't the case. ::sigh::

I don't know what to do...How do I get past these feelings? I don't want to lose my relationship with Andrew, but facing a life of dealing with him spending time with single women is really...it seems...awful. How do I make it less awful?

Would you have a problem with your SO spending time with single ladies? Even if you trusted him?

[Deleted User]

we had this problem when we were engaged.  when I asked if this is how he would act if we were married, his response was "we AREN'T married and you AREN'T my wife!".  really rude.  it made me mad.

usually, my H will cool down and think about it, and if he's wrong he'll quickly apologize and make it right.

I think in the end, he realized that it really bothered me.  he also mentioned that he knew that he couldn't continue to act the same when we were married.  he was going to be committed to me.  my request wasn't an irrational one; I just wanted to also spend time with them, instead of them spending time alone all the time.  he also agreed that he wouldn't want me to spend a lot of time alone with a man.  plus, he's a minister and co-pastor of our Spanish church and he knew that rumors could definitely be started about him straying or having an affair, and that he didn't want to cause anyone to doubt his faithfulness (especially me!).

I don't doubt his committment to me, but if he were to continue to blatantly disrespect one of the few things I asked of him, I would start to doubt his committment a little bit.  there are some things that he doesn't like for me to do; I try to respect him as my husband and partner and refrain from doing those things around him, or at all (depending on what it is).  I do it because I love him, and he is more important than that other person or that other thing/situation/action.

honestly, he was having a hard time adjusting to "married mentality".  and he knew it.  it took some time, but eventually he made the transition.  marriage/long-term committment takes a lot of respect and compromise.  if your request is rational (and it is), then hopefully you'll be able to reach a compromise.  I wouldn't doubt that some of it is that he hasn't quite adjusted to "married mentality" quite yet, and I wouldn't advise you do what I did initially...  blow up at him.    maybe wait a while to collect your thoughts and give him time to think about it, and try bringing it up again.

try to remember, that he's not doing it to spite you, or to hurt you.  that's not it at all.  he's doing it because, right now in HIS mind, it's okay; it's acceptable.  I know you're bothered and hurt, but try to remember it isn't really personal at this point, it's just a disagreement on viewpoint.  eventually I think you'll work it out. 

lunarsongbird

Also- I told Liv that I felt disrespected....even though I didn't know WHY I felt that way....I just did.

Do you think your SO spending time alone with single women (especially in your home) is just inherently disrespectful?

peekaboo2011

I used to.  I really, really did.  And when I would bring it up, it was always the same thing - "You just don't trust me."  I thought I did though.  When in reality, I didn't.  Just one of about 1000000 reasons it didn't work out.

That being said, now, I'm 1000 miles away from BF, and I know that he hangs out with a few single women.  A few of them are mutual friends - part of the group of friends that we both have.  There is one, however, that I don't know.  And I'm not going to pretend that it doesn't bug me.  He said he had a thing for her once.  But, it's also illogical to be upset with him for spending time with her.  I want to spend time with Mast.  And he knows all about what happened.  And I'm sure it would bug him as well.  But, he's still a friend.

cu97tiger

I understand EXACTLY how you feel. It isn't about trust, it's about respect, and I think that is the point that you need to make to him. You wouldn't mind if he was spending time with this person in a group, with you and other friends there. Like you said, it's the appearance of impropriety that is disrespectful.

When I moved to AZ, there was one other person that I knew here. I had had a sexual relationship with him at one time, and before I met FI, figured that that relationship would continue when I got here. After I met FI, I made sure to let him know that what had happened was in the past, and I made sure to include FI in any outings or events that would include the other guy. I think I've maybe been out to lunch with him alone twice in three years, but never dinner, drinks, or anything like that.

All that to say, I keep my FIs feelings on the subject in mind at all times, even if he isn't thinking about it at all. Talk to Andrew again, reassure him that you trust him, but that out of respect for you and your relationship, you would like for him to put a little more thought into those situations going forward.

AudgiePodge

Compromise. I can't speak for how I would feel if H spent time with lady friends, because he doesn't have any. It didn't bother me with past SOs, I had guy friends I would hang out with too. I can see how someone without those viewpoints can interpret them as trust issues.

jorja86

I think there is a fine line when it comes to male/female friendships. To me, it's essential that neither party has, or has ever at any point had, feelings that were anything other than totally platonic. Also, I think the type of activity going on makes a difference.

I had this come up in my relationship with BF. Early in our relationship, he mentioned he was thinking of going to visit one of his female friends from college, who lives at the beach, for a weekend. That was totally not okay with me. Although I realized I would have been fine if it hadn't just been the two of them (like if one of BF's guy friends had gone too).

However, his ex-GF from HS friended him on FB a while back, and he asked me if I would have a problem with him getting together with her for a cup of coffee or something. I was totally fine with that.

I'm honestly not sure what the difference was for me, but I was honest with him about the way I felt, and he respected my feelings even though I couldn't really articulate why I felt that way.

I do disagree with you that there is absolutely no way for men and women to be JUST friends. I also think it's going a little far to say it's disrespectful to a SO to hang out with someone of the opposite sex.

 But...that's the way you feel, it's doubtful that's going to change, and therefore Andrew should respect that. I don't think it's fair of him to dismiss your feelings by pulling out the "you don't trust me" card. That's one of those things that just shuts down conversations and isn't constructive at all, IMO. On the other hand,did he know you felt this way, or is this news to him? Because I do understand him feeling a little blindsided by your somewhat extreme views on this issue if he wasn't previously aware of them.

I think you might have to do some compromising. Honestly, him spending time with his female friends while you're there is something you might have to learn to deal with if he's going to sacrifice unchaperoned time with his friends, just because they happen to be female. The issue of her being totally rude by staying at someone elses house until midnight in the middle of the week is another story.

I think you need to sit down and have a very brutally honest conversation about how you feel about this, because both of you deserve to know, since this has the potential to seriously impact your relationships with other people around you.

lunarsongbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_over-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7094060f-1b6c-4529-a92a-1031d9fca727Post:6fb0b540-98b3-4e8e-928a-4e1e297e79d6">Re: How do I get over this?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't advise you do what I did initially...  blow up at him.  ;)  maybe wait a while to collect your thoughts and give him time to think about it, and try bringing it up again. try to remember, that he's not doing it to spite you, or to hurt you.  that's not it at all.  he's doing it because, right now in HIS mind, it's okay; it's acceptable.  I know you're bothered and hurt, but try to remember it isn't really personal at this point, it's just a disagreement on viewpoint.  eventually I think you'll work it out.  :)
Posted by CocoBellaF[/QUOTE]

Too late...I've already been a weepy mess. Boo. I'm not mad at him...And you are totally right- he thinks it's acceptable.

And quite honestly...I'm wondering myself.."Is this acceptable?" Why ISN'T acceptable? I told him about the appearances thing...and he just doesn't care. He doesn't care what other people think. Only what I think- and I think he would never cheat on me...BUT...it still bothers me. But why?

What rational do I have to tell him..."No...this isn't okay- and here is the rationale why."

Thanks for such a thoughtfgul response, Coco...
I'm feeling really sad and conflicted and so appreciate your time and love! :)

cu97tiger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_over-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7094060f-1b6c-4529-a92a-1031d9fca727Post:6fb0b540-98b3-4e8e-928a-4e1e297e79d6">Re: How do I get over this?</a>:
[QUOTE]we had this problem when we were engaged.  when I asked if this is how he would act if we were married, his response was "we AREN'T married and you AREN'T my wife!".  really rude.  it made me mad. usually, my H will cool down and think about it, and if he's wrong he'll quickly apologize and make it right. I think in the end, he realized that it really bothered me.  he also mentioned that he knew that he couldn't continue to act the same when we were married.  he was going to be committed to me.  my request wasn't an irrational one; I just wanted to also spend time with them, instead of them spending time alone all the time.  he also agreed that he wouldn't want me to spend a lot of time alone with a man.  plus, he's a minister and co-pastor of our Spanish church and he knew that rumors could definitely be started about him straying or having an affair, <strong>and that he didn't want to cause anyone to doubt his faithfulness</strong> (especially me!). I don't doubt his committment to me, but if he were to continue to blatantly disrespect one of the few things I asked of him, I would start to doubt his committment a little bit.  there are some things that he doesn't like for me to do; I try to respect him as my husband and partner and refrain from doing those things around him, or at all (depending on what it is).  I do it because I love him, and he is more important than that other person or that other thing/situation/action. honestly, he was having a hard time adjusting to "married mentality".  and he knew it.  it took some time, but eventually he made the transition.  marriage/long-term committment takes a lot of respect and compromise.  if your request is rational (and it is), then hopefully you'll be able to reach a compromise.  I wouldn't doubt that some of it is that he hasn't quite adjusted to "married mentality" quite yet, and I wouldn't advise you do what I did initially...  blow up at him.  ;)  maybe wait a while to collect your thoughts and give him time to think about it, and try bringing it up again. try to remember, that he's not doing it to spite you, or to hurt you.  that's not it at all.  he's doing it because, right now in HIS mind, it's okay; it's acceptable.  I know you're bothered and hurt, but try to remember it isn't really personal at this point, it's just a disagreement on viewpoint.  eventually I think you'll work it out.  :)
Posted by CocoBellaF[/QUOTE]

<div>I think this is an important line... If him hanging out with her in your home alone gives her the impression that there may be a crack in your relationship, then that should be enough to convince him that it is not the right thing to do. As an engaged couple, now is the time to start presenting a united front!</div>

SKP82

Lunar, I don't think this is something that you should learn to deal with or try to change how you feel about it.

If he's doing something that you are uncomfortable with or feel is disrespectful, then he should understand that and not do it anymore.

I, personally, find it odd that he would invite a single female coworker to your house.  I wouldn't want my FI hanging out with a single female friend alone, and he doesn't.  I would find that disrespectful as well.  And not because I don't trust him.  I just think it's inappropriate.  I don't spend time with single (or married) men on my own. 

cu97tiger

Men and women CAN be just friends. But I don't think they SHOULD be friends that hang out alone, in each other's homes, without their significant others. Or having excessive amounts of conversations about important life topics that they should be having with their SOs instead. It's a fine line between inviting someone into your life as a friend, then as a confidant, then as something more. I'm sure I'm not saying this well...

ETA: FI once had to go to Austin for a work trip. He decided to stay the weekend to hang out with a friend of his from HS and her husband. Then it turned out the husband was out of town. I was NOT ok with that. He didn't really understand why that was, so I just bought a plane ticket to Austin for the weekend (with FIs blessing). The three of us had a great time, and I didn't have to sit at home wondering all weekend whether the two of them were up to no good.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_over-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7094060f-1b6c-4529-a92a-1031d9fca727Post:9e5584dc-a7ce-458e-86ec-ce77338d03eb">Re: How do I get over this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Also- I told Liv that I felt disrespected....even though I didn't know WHY I felt that way....I just did. Do you think your SO spending time alone with single women (<strong>especially in your home</strong>) is just inherently disrespectful?
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

yes, I would feel it was especially disrespectful.  our home is our sanctuary.  hopefully it doesn't sound too weird, but our home is sacred.  it's our HOME.  not just our house.  it's a place where we are making our lives together, and I would be very hurt if he was disrespectful in/to our home.  not just about lady-friends either.  when we were engaged and he was living there alone, he kind of kept it trashed.  Q-tips on the floor, clothes everywhere, dirty dishes...  and it hurt and felt disrespectful to me that he would keep it that way.  I mean, it doesn't have to be perfectly clean all the time, but dirty Q-tips, etc. was just crossing the line.  he agreed and admitted he was just being extremely lazy and that he would be angry if anyone else treated our home that way.

so, yes.  I think it's inherently, especially disrespectful <em>because </em>he knows that it's an issue you have.  does that make sense?  he knows that it hurts you and continues to do it.  not only does he continue to do it, he brings into your special place - your home together.  it may not be inherently disrespectul to others' relationships because it's not an issue, but in your case I believe it is. 

Swazzle

I can't exactly relate because FI doesn't have any female friends that are "his friends" (as in he's friends with my friends & his friends' girlfriends but that's it).  But I think if he was hanging out with a woman one-on-one that it would bother me also.  I don't think he'd appreciate me hanging out with a guy just the 2 of us either.  I pretty much agree with what you said in your OP.  

I would agree with PP, you just have to calmly talk to him about how you're feeling. Ask him how he'd feel if it were the other way around.  

lunarsongbird

Peek- I too am wondering if my feelings are illogical, but HOW do you make the feeling go away?

Tiger- I'm also very thoughtful about my relationships..

Jorja- I wish that I COULD change that I feel disrespected...and I guess that's what I'm asking.

Audgie- You are a wise woman.

SKP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_over-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7094060f-1b6c-4529-a92a-1031d9fca727Post:b86db5f9-fa76-4602-91ce-f79696133203">Re: How do I get over this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I get over this? : <strong>What if you were friends before your SO ever existed in your life? </strong>Are you supposed to stop being friends with that person? Honestly, this is something we've struggled a bit with (from the other side-I have a couple of guy friends that BF feels a little uncomfortable with). <strong>I mean, it comes down to respecting your SO feelings on the issue-</strong>I don't hang out alone with guys because BF isn't comfortable with it, and I'm fine with that. But, do I really need to not maintain the same level of friendship with someone because I now have a BF? To me, that would make me a kind of crappy friend.
Posted by jorja86[/QUOTE]

This is my exception.  FI has a friend that he's known for a LOOOONG time (way longer than I have known him).  When he goes back home, I don't have a problem with him hanging out with her, even if it's just the 2 of them.  I didn't initially feel this way, but I've met her and have gotten to know her and am comfortable with it now.

And I agree with your 2nd bolded statement. 

CCO2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_over-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7094060f-1b6c-4529-a92a-1031d9fca727Post:695da76b-d3ad-4d8c-88c2-fa71352da25c">Re: How do I get over this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I get over this? : No, but I do think you might need to change the nature of your friendship with that person. 
Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

This. When you are two single people you can flirt etc and its nothing. When one in engaged/ married/ whatever, it becomes inappropriate to behave in that same way.

jemmini6

I do feel you are probably overreacting about this a bit, but your FI should be able to at least talk to you about it to help you both understand where the other is coming from.  Even if your feelings were completely irrational (they aren't), he shouldn't be shutting down the conversation.

To me, the disrespect in this situation isn't that he had a girl over after you went to bed, it's that he had anyone over that late.  Maybe I'm just different, but depending on the girl and how well I knew her, I really wouldn't care about her being there, but there's a respect level that comes with the hour of having guests over and it shouldn't conflict with normal sleeping times.

desertsun

No one is ever going to be able to resolve the debate over whether people of the opposite sex can be strictly platonic friends.

But your SO does need to respect your feelings, and if it makes you uncomfortable for him to spend time one on one with a single female, then, IMO, whether he gets it or not, he needs to respect your feelings.

In terms of how his actions reflect that respect...I think you just set up ground rules. You don't forbid him from ever hanging out with single women. You just ask that he not spend time with them one on one in private. You ask that any hanging out with single women happen in a group setting or at least in a public place. You ask that he not be out later than 11 pm on weeknights. You ask that he not bring a single woman into the home he shares with you and expect that she can stay as late as she likes.

Compromise. Be respectful of each other. Neither of you can tell the other what is right or wrong. You can only ask that the other person try to take your feelings into consideration when deciding how to act.

And if your SO decides to act in a way that is disrespectful of your feelings, that is a problem in your relationship that NEEDS to be resolved BEFORE you get married.

cu97tiger

Desert is so very very wise.

jorja86

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_over-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7094060f-1b6c-4529-a92a-1031d9fca727Post:98b69ecf-847a-4494-b37f-7bb3c72a4fff">Re: How do I get over this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I get over this? : This. When you are two single people you can flirt etc and its nothing. When one in engaged/ married/ whatever, it becomes inappropriate to behave in that same way.
Posted by CCO2012[/QUOTE]

Well, that would be something I would consider to be not platonic. I think it's definitely inappropriate to be friends with someone you once had a flirty relationship with if you have a SO.

But, I have male friends that I never once flirted with. I'm talking more about people who were there for me through tough times, as totally platonic friends. Or, someone who has been a good friend of mine since we were five, and who I would consider to be like a brother.

Hazel_B

I agree with Desert and Liv.

IrishDreamer

I really have no constructive input on this. BF and I both have single friends of the opposite sex, and we hang out with them alone, together, etc. We rarely ever have a single member of the opposite sex in our home when the other one isn't around. It's never come up, now that I'm thinking about it.

I'll go to the bar or karaoke or bowling or something with my single guy friends, but that's more because they enjoy my hobbies, whereas BF doesn't like to bowl because of his bad knee, and rarely wants to go to karaoke.

A lot of my guy friends would probably jump at the chance if BF and I weren't together, and a lot of BF's female friends would to, I'm sure. I just don't think about it. I trust BF, he trusts me, and I'm secure enough in myself, our relationship, and just overall - I don't even think about it honestly. I know he does, just because he has been cheated on before (Not me, previous ex). *shrugs* I don't know why it isn't an issue with us.... is that weird??

I don't think you're wrong in feeling the way you do. I would just have a heart to heart with Andrew, explain that you realize to him it may not make sense, but this is truly how you feel, and you would like to come to an agreement/compromise of some kind so that he can spend time with his friends without you feeling uncomfortable.

jorja86

Annnd, Liv pretty much said what I've been trying to say, but much better.

Also, Lunar, I was unclear on the fact that she was already at your house, without you being there also. I wouldn't be okay with that either.

cu97tiger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_over-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7094060f-1b6c-4529-a92a-1031d9fca727Post:bb157604-7723-45b1-a182-ca90d2ceaf15">Re: How do I get over this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I get over this? : I would never flirt with one of my guy friends when I was single unless I intended on hooking up with them, so the nature of my friendships with guys has never needed to change.  (I'm still friends with people I've kissed or slept with.  So I was a hussy back in my single days - that doesn't mean I'll cheat or have an inappropriate relationship with a guy.)   That goes back to the "girls and guys can never be friends" argument.  If you always flirt with the opposite sex when you talk to them when you're single, then yeah you probably can't just be friends.  But if it's a legitimate platonic relationship, I just don't see why friendships should change once a SO is in the mix. Clearly I'm in the minority here.  
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

<div>Yaga, I don't disagree with you, but I do think that once you are in a relationship, you should change the activities that you previously did with your guy friends. If you used to go out boozing until 2am with them, maybe now you just have dinner on a Tuesday night. If you used to talk on the phone for two hours every night, maybe you just have one weekend catch-up call... </div>

Blue & White

I would break up with BF if he had a problem with me having friends of the male variety (single or married, it doesn't matter.)

But I don't date these male friends and don't plan on it any time soon.

Kinda the flip side of the coin, Lunar, but if my BF told me I couldn't have male friends, I would be down to only about 2 good friends.  It's because I'm a) not that girly and b) in science.  Throughout my life, I've MET more males than females.

BF, on the other hand, really doesn't have any female friends (that aren't married to his male friends, lol) so I don't see the flip side of the coin much. 

Just my two cents.  Andrew loves the crap outta you.  Remember that - definitely talk to him and see if you guys can figure out an acceptable compromise (maybe he can hang out with his girl buds whenever, but you'd prefer it wasn't late night hanging out or something?) - he should be reasonable on this one.  It's an easy fix

Good luck!

lunarsongbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_over-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7094060f-1b6c-4529-a92a-1031d9fca727Post:6d1543cd-faa3-4a78-be1e-c38674edc922">Re: How do I get over this?</a>:
[QUOTE]And if your SO decides to act in a way that is disrespectful of your feelings, that is a problem in your relationship that NEEDS to be resolved BEFORE you get married.
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

Agreed. I told him when need to address this sooner then later...and I also wish that we had a real heart to heart about this before we even got engaged.

I also didn't know how differently I would feel about this type of gathering taking place in my home. Honestly- it kind of made me feel like it wasn't my home.

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_over-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7094060f-1b6c-4529-a92a-1031d9fca727Post:0934a28c-01c8-444c-a8bc-25b2338737a9">How do I get over this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay- you may have read that Andrew had a girl friend over last night...who stayed after I went to bed. It bothered me. And the more I sat in bed- it bothered me more. My mother raised me to believe that you ought not to even give the appearance of infidelity.<strong> So I don't maintain relationships with other men- I just don't think it's appropriate. If I happen to meet a guy that I like (such as my co-worker)- I usually end up being friends with his wife/girlfriend- and we hang out together as a couple. I don't carry on relationships with single men- I don't think it's fair to Andrew. I'm of the sentiment of Harry in "When Harry Met Sally"- I don't think single men and women can ever really just be friends.</strong> So I'm really bothered with the prospect of Andrew spending time alone with single girls...especially in our home (now and in the future). Especially when these girls have made it pretty evidently clear that if Andrew was single...they would try to get with him. Now don't get me wrong- I'm not at all threatened by the girls he is choosing to spend time with. I just think it's wrong...and kinda disrespectful. Of course he just sees it as me "not trusting him." This isn't the case. ::sigh:: I don't know what to do...How do I get past these feelings? I don't want to lose my relationship with Andrew, but facing a life of dealing with him spending time with single women is really...it seems...awful. How do I make it less awful? Would you have a problem with your SO spending time with single ladies? Even if you trusted him?
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Lunar, you know I love you...  but the bolded part of your OP makes me feel kind of...  itchy, I guess.  I don't like it.  It's your point of view and it's obviously not my place to try to change it, but it rubs me the wrong way.</div><div>
</div><div>When I was in college, most of my best friends were guys.  When FI came along, he had a little bit of a tough time seeing me go off with my best friend, Matt, for several hours at a time.  But while I was happy to discuss it with FI and address his concerns in a mature manner, there was no way I would have given up my friendship with Matt just so FI wouldn't have any ego damage.</div><div>
</div><div>Plus, FI had some female friends, and it would have been very hypocritical of him to maintain those friendships if he didn't get over his jealousy.  He got over it. </div><div>
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</div><div>I understand that this is something you've discussed with Andrew before, and the fact that he's continuing the behavior without coming to some sort of agreement with you is definitely disrespectful.  I definitely don't approve of the way he's ignoring your feelings.</div><div>
</div><div>Buuuut...</div><div>
</div><div>You may just have to accept that this is something where you two will never agree.  It's not the end of the world.  No couple is perfectly lined up in all of their beliefs.  You don't think men and women can be "just friends", so you don't have male friends.  Awesome!  He <em>does</em> think men and women can be friends, and he consequently has female friends.  No big deal.  At least, it doesn't have to be a big deal.  Both of you are doing what you think is right, like if you were voting for opposite presidential candidates or something.
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</div><div>I don't know if I'm really making sense here, so I'm going to stop.  If I think of better phrasing, I'll come back and edit.</div><div>
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lunarsongbird

cousa- I love you. Seriously. 


Elle- I get it. It totally makes me "itchy" too...I really want to be fine with him having single girls (that would totally rip his clothes off if given the chance) over and not have a problem with it. Because...I trust him. I trust him 1,000,000,0000 times over. I trust him. But the situation just makes me ache. How do I become okay with him hanging out with girls? How do I not let it bother me? I suppose I could go a psychologist- but I'm not sure what they would have to say about it.

loves2shop4shoes

I don't know...I guess I'm in the minority.

I think men and women can ABSOLUTELY be platonic friends.  And I think it's really healthy to have platonic friends of the opposite sex.  I think what's important is that any friend either of you have is a "friend of the couple"...meaning you know them, have spent some time with them, and they respect you.

As long as the female friend is a "friend of the couple", I see nothing wrong with FI spending time with her when I'm not there.  I'm not a chaperone.  If I felt no chemistry between them when I was around them, then nothing's going down, whether I'm there or not.

Now, if FI were hanging around with a girl who threw herself at him or who didn't respect our relationship, THAT would be a problem...and I'd tell him so.

But any business of giving FI a curfiew or a list of which friends he can see when I'm not around seems absurd to me.

csousa1

HAHAHAHA that picture is amazing.

I love you too

SKP82

Like Desert said, we're not going to get anywhere debating whether or not men and women and be platonic friends.

I think the real issue here is that he isn't respecting your feelings on the subject.  Why do you just have to become okay with him hanging out with girls IN YOUR HOUSE while you're not there?  Girls you've never even met before.  I don't think you should have to explain why this makes you uncomfortable.  Saying you're uncomfortable with it should be enough.  He should respect that.

Liv, I think your examples of being alone with a male in your home are completely appropriate.  In all 3 of those instances, Mo knew and chose to leave the house. 

If I came home and B was in our house with some chick I'd never met or heard of previously, I would NOT be happy.  At all.  Especially if he knew how I felt about male/female relationships.