Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points. Learn more
Not Engaged Yet
Spoileddramaqn
member
Am I just reading into things?
So my boyfriend and I have been together for five years and we're planning on movign from Ohio to New York City this fall. We've both been out of college for over a year now and we've been saving money like crazy. We moved in together back in February and have been (at least I think so) very happy together. Back in November we we're driving home from a family function and I mentioned that I wanted at least a two year engagement because it would take me at least that long to find a dress (jokingly) to which he replied that I had better start looking now. I asked him if that meant that I could start sending him pictures of rings that I liked and he agreed. Since then, I have found the ring of my dreams and I think it is really affordable ($800). He even suggested that we go look at. This was in March and since then, everytime I bring up an engagement or a ring, he changes the subject and seems to get annoyed. I am concerned that he is changing his tune. But then when I read him the article from the Knot about 7 signs he's about to propose and I said he didn't fit any of them, he got very defensive. So I'm not sure anymore if he wants to marry me or if he's just content to live with me. I'm worried that I have been reading too much in to his actions and that he was never planning on proposing.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Am I just reading into things?
[QUOTE] So my boyfriend and I have been together for five years and we're planning on movign from Ohio to New York City this fall. We've both been out of college for over a year now and we've been saving money like crazy. We moved in together back in February and have been (at least I think so) very happy together. Back in November we we're driving home from a family function and I mentioned that I wanted at least a two year engagement because it would take me at least that long to find a dress (jokingly) to which he replied that I had better start looking now. I asked him if that meant that I could start sending him pictures of rings that I liked and he agreed. Since then, I have found the ring of my dreams and I think it is really affordable ($800). He even suggested that we go look at. This was in March and since then, everytime I bring up an engagement or a ring, he changes the subject and seems to get annoyed. I am concerned that he is changing his tune. But then when I read him the article from the Knot about 7 signs he's about to propose and I said he didn't fit any of them, he got very defensive. So I'm not sure anymore if he wants to marry me or if he's just content to live with me. I'm worried that I have been reading too much in to his actions and that he was never planning on proposing.
Posted by Spoileddramaqn[/QUOTE]
The screenname seems fitting.
QUIT BRINGING IT UP. Chances are he's making plans and you constantly bringing it up and pointing out that he hasn't proposed yet is enough to piss off any guy. Let him do it on his own time. Frankly, I wouldn't want to look at that ring everyday and question whether he proposed because he wanted to or he proposed because I nagged him into it.
Just because you looked at rings does not mean a proposal is emminent. If you've lurked around here, you would know that there are girls on this board whose FIs/DHs waiting months, if not years, after looking at rings (or even purchasing the ring) to actually pop the question (myself included). RELAX.
CHILL OUT. RELAX. Enjoy this stage of your relationship, because once you're engaged, you'll never get it back. You'll miss this part once you're fighting over cake toppers with your mom and wishing you had eloped.
"Oceana swings from logical to anus punching." - Buttons
Planning / Married / Blog
[QUOTE]I feel like I left the important part out after reading the posts, he mentioned the ring thing before we ever really talked about where the realtionship was going and now I can't get hinm to talk about it (not just about getting engagement, but where he wants this relationship go). He's never had commitment issues throughout the relationship so I don't think it's that. I just wish I knew where he felt like we were heading, especially before I up and move a couple of states away from my family.
Posted by Spoileddramaqn[/QUOTE]
Y'all need to sit down and have an adult discussion about what you both see for the future of your relationship and what kind of timeline you want it to happen on. No nagging, no ultimatums - an adult one-on-one discussion.
I don't blame you for not wanting to move away from fam and friends if the relationship is going nowhere. However, all previous indications he has given you is that he does see a future with you. Quit bringing up the wedding/engagement/proposal talk. It could be you bringing it up on a regular basis either frustrated him or intimidated the hell out of him.
RELAX.
"Oceana swings from logical to anus punching." - Buttons
Planning / Married / Blog
[QUOTE]I feel like I left the important part out after reading the posts, he mentioned the ring thing before we ever really talked about where the realtionship was going and now I can't get hinm to talk about it (not just about getting engagement, but where he wants this relationship go). He's never had commitment issues throughout the relationship so I don't think it's that.<strong> I just wish I knew where he felt like we were heading, especially before I up and move a couple of states away from my family.</strong>
Posted by Spoileddramaqn[/QUOTE]
Based on that, I'd say you need to sit down and talk to him about it. Not in a, "OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PROPOSE ALREADY!? DON'T YOU LOVE ME!?" way, but a, "Hey. Moving several states away with you is a Big Deal, and before I commit to doing so, I just want to make sure we're on the same page." Maybe ask him (calmly) where he sees the relationship in 2-5 years. After this discussion, <em>drop the subject.</em>
If, however, he refuses to participate in that discussion at all, I would seriously reconsider moving away with him.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I just reading into things? : Based on that, I'd say you need to sit down and talk to him about it. Not in a, "OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PROPOSE ALREADY!? DON'T YOU LOVE ME!?" way, but a, "Hey. Moving several states away with you is a Big Deal, and before I commit to doing so, I just want to make sure we're on the same page." Maybe ask him (calmly) where he sees the relationship in 2-5 years. After this discussion, drop the subject. If, however, he refuses to participate in that discussion at all, I would seriously reconsider moving away with him.
Posted by zipis1[/QUOTE]
I would do pretty much exactly this if I were the OP.
[QUOTE]I would like to be married before I get unofficially pregnant though.
Posted by 1337love[/QUOTE]
I am unofficially married AND unofficially pregnant. And it is all because I am great in bed.
OP, I think you need to spice up your game. He is obviously not proposing because you aren't inventive enough. It has nothing to do with the fact that you may not actually be ready to marry him and he may not be ready to marry you. It has nothing to do with the fact that neither of you are communicating your wants or needs.
If you are planning on moving that is a dialogue that should be had openly, and without marriage talks.
So, RELAX.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I just reading into things? : Based on that, I'd say you need to sit down and talk to him about it. Not in a, "OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PROPOSE ALREADY!? DON'T YOU LOVE ME!?" way, but a, "Hey. Moving several states away with you is a Big Deal, and before I commit to doing so, I just want to make sure we're on the same page." Maybe ask him (calmly) where he sees the relationship in 2-5 years. After this discussion, drop the subject. If, however, he refuses to participate in that discussion at all, I would seriously reconsider moving away with him.
Posted by zipis1[/QUOTE]
I just wanted to reiterate this.
The engagement/proposal was brought up in passing in the beginning. (And I don't think that you were joking about the dress. I think that you were being passive aggressive.) Now, you are focusing on the engagement/ring and why he isn't talking about that. The engagement/ring is NOT the important part. The marriage that comes after the wedding is the important part.
Did you discuss MARRIAGE? Forget the proposal, the wedding timeline, etc. Have you had an in-depth discussion about what each of you want in the future? What are your individual and mutual goals? Family, career, location, finances, etc? (Your follow up post makes it seem like you have never discussed these things. And if you have NOT, then the engagement/ring should not be your focus. You need to figure out what you want, what he wants and what you want together.)
You cannot blame him for not discussing where your relationship is going. You moved in with him without bringing it up for discussion or being sure that you are both on the same page. The fact that he will not communicate about a very important part of your relationship is a red flag.
P.S. Why the hell would you read a knot article to him about the signs for an impending proposal? Passive aggressive strike #2.
[QUOTE]Here's the thing: The engagement/proposal was brought up in passing in the beginning. (And I don't think that you were joking about the dress. I think that you were being passive aggressive.) Now, you are focusing on the engagement/ring and why he isn't talking about that. The engagement/ring is NOT the important part. The marriage that comes after the wedding is the important part. Did you discuss MARRIAGE? Forget the proposal, the wedding timeline, etc. Have you had an in-depth discussion about what each of you want in the future? What are your individual and mutual goals? Family, career, location, finances, etc? (Your follow up post makes it seem like you have never discussed these things. And if you have NOT, then the engagement/ring should not be your focus. You need to figure out what you want, what he wants and what you want together.) You cannot blame him for not discussing where your relationship is going. You moved in with him without bringing it up for discussion or being sure that you are both on the same page. The fact that he will not communicate about a very important part of your relationship is a red flag. P.S. Why the hell would you read a knot article to him about the signs for an impending proposal? Passive aggressive strike #2.
Posted by **Mutley**[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This. X 2
</div>
"Popular on the internetz..."
Canada is kind of like a whole other world with new things to discover that us americans only dream of. - Narwhal
Paige I would like to profess my love for you and your brilliant mind. - breezerb
Murried Bio
If you are having doubts that are really doubts and him just not trying to shut you up because he is going to propose I would definitley sit down and talk to him about your future before you move away from your family. The last thing you want is to end up in NYC and be breaking up with your BF within the first 3 months.
Guys have different ways of expressing their feelings so if you are badgering him about the ring frequently you may be reallly pissing him off to the point where he doesn't want to propose because you are hounding him.
[QUOTE]Here's the thing: The engagement/proposal was brought up in passing in the beginning. (And I don't think that you were joking about the dress. I think that you were being passive aggressive.) Now, you are focusing on the engagement/ring and why he isn't talking about that. The engagement/ring is NOT the important part. The marriage that comes after the wedding is the important part. Did you discuss MARRIAGE? Forget the proposal, the wedding timeline, etc. Have you had an in-depth discussion about what each of you want in the future? What are your individual and mutual goals? Family, career, location, finances, etc? (Your follow up post makes it seem like you have never discussed these things. And if you have NOT, then the engagement/ring should not be your focus. You need to figure out what you want, what he wants and what you want together.) You cannot blame him for not discussing where your relationship is going. You moved in with him without bringing it up for discussion or being sure that you are both on the same page. The fact that he will not communicate about a very important part of your relationship is a red flag. P.S. Why the hell would you read a knot article to him about the signs for an impending proposal? Passive aggressive strike #2.
Posted by **Mutley**[/QUOTE]
This x 3.
"Oceana swings from logical to anus punching." - Buttons
Planning / Married / Blog
The best thing you can do for yourself is to stop pressuring him. I was in a relationship with a man for 5 years also, we were living together, and we had talked all the time about marriage, our future, etc. I thought we were happy at the time, looking back we were just "comfortable" because we had been together for so long. We talked about marriage and timelines constantly. Well he proposed, and about 6 months later he ended up telling me how he really felt about everything. He said he felt pressured into proposing, he was confused about what he wanted, he felt like he was obligated to propose because he knew that's what I wanted, and he felt obligated because we had been together so long. He claimed he had felt this way for months, and didn't have the balls to tell me. I was none the wiser because he was REALLY good at faking being happy, or content at least.
Long story short, it worked out because I realized we weren't right for each other and i wasn't even really happy with him either. I realized the only reason I was so focused on getting engaged and planning a wedding is because I was trying to compensate for what was lacking in the relationship. I know, sounds stupid. But when you're unhappy and you don't recognize it, your mind will play tricks on you.
I found the man I was really supposed to be with, he proposed after 8 months, and we're getting married in 8 weeks. I'm not saying this is your situation, I'm simply saying that the absolute worst thing you can do is pressure him about this because you have no idea what's going on in his head.
Trust me, you would much rather be able to go your seperate ways before a ring is involved, and wedding plans have been made.
Just because he talks about, or makes a few comments about getting engaged, it's still all just talk. It has no bearing on what will actually happen, until it happens. And, even then, if he felt uber pressured it may not have happened for the right reasons!
GL