Am I just reading into things?

Spoileddramaqn

    So my boyfriend and I have been together for five years and we're planning on movign from Ohio to New York City this fall.  We've both been out of college for over a year now and we've been saving money like crazy.  We moved in together back in February and have been (at least I think so) very happy together.  Back in November we we're driving home from a family function and I mentioned that I wanted at least a two year engagement because it would take me at least that long to find a dress (jokingly) to which he replied that I had better start looking now.  I asked him if that meant that I could start sending him pictures of rings that I liked and he agreed.  Since then, I have found the ring of my dreams and I think it is really affordable ($800).  He even suggested that we go look at.  This was in March and since then, everytime I bring up an engagement or a ring, he changes the subject and seems to get annoyed.  I am concerned that he is changing his tune.  But then when I read him the article from the Knot about 7 signs he's about to propose and I said he didn't fit any of them, he got very defensive.  So I'm not sure anymore if he wants to marry me or if he's just content to live with me.  I'm worried that I have been reading too much in to his actions and that he was never planning on proposing.

oceana919

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-just-reading-things?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:71118a7d-a9e7-4976-a8d6-4ad1069b9c39Post:deea0641-c4e7-421e-8a58-f47eb8f45a07">Am I just reading into things?</a>:
[QUOTE]    So my boyfriend and I have been together for five years and we're planning on movign from Ohio to New York City this fall.  We've both been out of college for over a year now and we've been saving money like crazy.  We moved in together back in February and have been (at least I think so) very happy together.  Back in November we we're driving home from a family function and I mentioned that I wanted at least a two year engagement because it would take me at least that long to find a dress (jokingly) to which he replied that I had better start looking now.  I asked him if that meant that I could start sending him pictures of rings that I liked and he agreed.  Since then, I have found the ring of my dreams and I think it is really affordable ($800).  He even suggested that we go look at.  This was in March and since then, everytime I bring up an engagement or a ring, he changes the subject and seems to get annoyed.  I am concerned that he is changing his tune.  But then when I read him the article from the Knot about 7 signs he's about to propose and I said he didn't fit any of them, he got very defensive.  So I'm not sure anymore if he wants to marry me or if he's just content to live with me.  I'm worried that I have been reading too much in to his actions and that he was never planning on proposing.
Posted by Spoileddramaqn[/QUOTE]

The screenname seems fitting.

QUIT BRINGING IT UP. Chances are he's making plans and you constantly bringing it up and pointing out that he hasn't proposed yet is enough to piss off any guy. Let him do it on his own time. Frankly, I wouldn't want to look at that ring everyday and question whether he proposed because he wanted to or he proposed because I nagged him into it.

Just because you looked at rings does not mean a proposal is emminent. If you've lurked around here, you would know that there are girls on this board whose FIs/DHs waiting months, if not years, after looking at rings (or even purchasing the ring) to actually pop the question (myself included). RELAX.

CHILL OUT. RELAX. Enjoy this stage of your relationship, because once you're engaged, you'll never get it back. You'll miss this part once you're fighting over cake toppers with your mom and wishing you had eloped.

brilibby4

Stop bringing it up.  Assuming you have had some serious conversations about where you both want this relationship to go, you have done enough.  Some propose the day they buy the ring, some wait months.  Just relax and enjoy your relationship!  When he is ready, he will propose.

Spoileddramaqn

I feel like I left the important part out after reading the posts, he mentioned the ring thing before we ever really talked about where the realtionship was going and now I can't get hinm to talk about it (not just about getting engagement, but where he wants this relationship go).  He's never had commitment issues throughout the relationship so I don't think it's that.  I just wish I knew where he felt like we were heading, especially before I up and move a couple of states away from my family.

oceana919

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-just-reading-things?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:71118a7d-a9e7-4976-a8d6-4ad1069b9c39Post:3647fc2f-5a6e-4ada-b253-c1a0db45f72a">Re: Am I just reading into things?</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like I left the important part out after reading the posts, he mentioned the ring thing before we ever really talked about where the realtionship was going and now I can't get hinm to talk about it (not just about getting engagement, but where he wants this relationship go).  He's never had commitment issues throughout the relationship so I don't think it's that.  I just wish I knew where he felt like we were heading, especially before I up and move a couple of states away from my family.
Posted by Spoileddramaqn[/QUOTE]

Y'all need to sit down and have an adult discussion about what you both see for the future of your relationship and what kind of timeline you want it to happen on. No nagging, no ultimatums - an adult one-on-one discussion.

I don't blame you for not wanting to move away from fam and friends if the relationship is going nowhere. However, all previous indications he has given you is that he does see a future with you. Quit bringing up the wedding/engagement/proposal talk. It could be you bringing it up on a regular basis either frustrated him or intimidated the hell out of him.

RELAX.

brilibby4

I would never even consider moving to a different state with a bf if we hadn't discussed our future.  I agree that you need to sit down and have an adult discussion about what he wants and what you want.  Finances?  Kids? Religion?  There are so many topics like these that I feel should be discussed before getting engaged.  If you have never talked about these topics you could be on completely different pages!  Maybe you picture yourself marrying him in 3 years and he sees it happening in 10.  You won't know until you talk about it, but keep the pressuring out of it for sure! 

zipis1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-just-reading-things?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71118a7d-a9e7-4976-a8d6-4ad1069b9c39Post:3647fc2f-5a6e-4ada-b253-c1a0db45f72a">Re: Am I just reading into things?</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like I left the important part out after reading the posts, he mentioned the ring thing before we ever really talked about where the realtionship was going and now I can't get hinm to talk about it (not just about getting engagement, but where he wants this relationship go).  He's never had commitment issues throughout the relationship so I don't think it's that.<strong>  I just wish I knew where he felt like we were heading, especially before I up and move a couple of states away from my family.</strong>
Posted by Spoileddramaqn[/QUOTE]

Based on that, I'd say you need to sit down and talk to him about it. Not in a, "OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PROPOSE ALREADY!? DON'T YOU LOVE ME!?" way, but a, "Hey. Moving several states away with you is a Big Deal, and before I commit to doing so, I just want to make sure we're on the same page." Maybe ask him (calmly) where he sees the relationship in 2-5 years. After this discussion, <em>drop the subject.</em>

If, however, he refuses to participate in that discussion at all, I would seriously reconsider moving away with him.

Buggalo

Maybe he's getting annoyed and defensive because you're constantly badgering him. And, you know, reading him articles from The Knot. Listen to the PPs. Chill out. Relax. I don't think he'd want you to move away with him if he wasn't serious about you. But still, a (rational, mature and adult) conversation is in order here.

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-just-reading-things?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71118a7d-a9e7-4976-a8d6-4ad1069b9c39Post:36eb7cda-367c-4539-959b-cdd7d1a84ce2">Re: Am I just reading into things?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I just reading into things? : Based on that, I'd say you need to sit down and talk to him about it. Not in a, "OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PROPOSE ALREADY!? DON'T YOU LOVE ME!?" way, but a, "Hey. Moving several states away with you is a Big Deal, and before I commit to doing so, I just want to make sure we're on the same page." Maybe ask him (calmly) where he sees the relationship in 2-5 years. After this discussion, drop the subject. If, however, he refuses to participate in that discussion at all, I would seriously reconsider moving away with him.
Posted by zipis1[/QUOTE]

I would do pretty much exactly this if I were the OP.

katanne9

MUD. FWIW, my FI wanted to stop talking rings altogether because he was BUYING one and wanted me to shutup about it.

1337love

Oh wow.  OP slow your roll!!  If he is seeming to throw on the brakes, maybe its something in your behavior (though you may not realize that you are doing it) or even maybe he feels like asking you to move OOT with him is commitment enough on his side until he sees that commitment from you, since you come off as being a little over-eager right now.  Just chillax, have a calm, adult discussion about where your life together is going, and DO NOT TALK ABOUT ENGAGEMENT at all.

That's what I did with my BF and now we have picked out a ring design and according to him, will be engaged by summers end.  But I am not going to be disappointed if it doesn't play out like that!  He moved to my hometown last month to end the 10 months of LDR, and that's a big commitment.  That's good enough for right now!  I would like to be married before I get unofficially pregnant though. 

**Mutley**

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-just-reading-things?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71118a7d-a9e7-4976-a8d6-4ad1069b9c39Post:e3a4e95f-44ea-4757-a2af-4363456dafe4">Re: Am I just reading into things?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would like to be married before I get unofficially pregnant though. 
Posted by 1337love[/QUOTE]

I am unofficially married AND unofficially pregnant.  And it is all because I am great in bed. 

OP, I think you need to spice up your game.  He is obviously not proposing because you aren't inventive enough.  It has nothing to do with the fact that you may not actually be ready to marry him and he may not be ready to marry you.  It has nothing to do with the fact that neither of you are communicating your wants or needs.

hetshup

OP-- My FI was just like that. We had a huge conversation about marriage and weddings and the whole kit and kabodle. Then I got bean dipped every time I brought it up afterwards. It was really annoying. There are posts on here about it. Anyway, it was because he was planning a proposal and wanted me to shut up about the whole thing. If you think about this, the proposal is his big moment and by nagging him about it, you are making it worse. Give yourself a time frame, 1 month,2 months, whatever and DON'T TALK ABOUT IT.

If you are planning on moving that is a dialogue that should be had openly, and without marriage talks.


So, RELAX.

ekathleen684

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-just-reading-things?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:71118a7d-a9e7-4976-a8d6-4ad1069b9c39Post:36eb7cda-367c-4539-959b-cdd7d1a84ce2">Re: Am I just reading into things?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I just reading into things? : Based on that, I'd say you need to sit down and talk to him about it. Not in a, "OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PROPOSE ALREADY!? DON'T YOU LOVE ME!?" way, but a, "Hey. Moving several states away with you is a Big Deal, and before I commit to doing so, I just want to make sure we're on the same page." Maybe ask him (calmly) where he sees the relationship in 2-5 years. After this discussion, drop the subject. If, however, he refuses to participate in that discussion at all, I would seriously reconsider moving away with him.
Posted by zipis1[/QUOTE]

I just wanted to reiterate this.

**Mutley**

Here's the thing: 

The engagement/proposal was brought up in passing in the beginning.  (And I don't think that you were joking about the dress.  I think that you were being passive aggressive.)  Now, you are focusing on the engagement/ring and why he isn't talking about that.  The engagement/ring is NOT the important part.  The marriage that comes after the wedding is the important part. 

Did you discuss MARRIAGE?  Forget the proposal, the wedding timeline, etc.  Have you had an in-depth discussion about what each of you want in the future?  What are your individual and mutual goals?  Family, career, location, finances, etc?  (Your follow up post makes it seem like you have never discussed these things.  And if you have NOT, then the engagement/ring should not be your focus.  You need to figure out what you want, what he wants and what you want together.)

You cannot blame him for not discussing where your relationship is going.  You moved in with him without bringing it up for discussion or being sure that you are both on the same page.  The fact that he will not communicate about a very important part of your relationship is a red flag. 

P.S.  Why the hell would you read a knot article to him about the signs for an impending proposal?  Passive aggressive strike #2.

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-just-reading-things?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:71118a7d-a9e7-4976-a8d6-4ad1069b9c39Post:f25f684e-aaee-4475-a25a-f35fe9b9aa04">Re: Am I just reading into things?</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's the thing:  The engagement/proposal was brought up in passing in the beginning.  (And I don't think that you were joking about the dress.  I think that you were being passive aggressive.)  Now, you are focusing on the engagement/ring and why he isn't talking about that.  The engagement/ring is NOT the important part.  The marriage that comes after the wedding is the important part.  Did you discuss MARRIAGE?  Forget the proposal, the wedding timeline, etc.  Have you had an in-depth discussion about what each of you want in the future?  What are your individual and mutual goals?  Family, career, location, finances, etc?  (Your follow up post makes it seem like you have never discussed these things.  And if you have NOT, then the engagement/ring should not be your focus.  You need to figure out what you want, what he wants and what you want together.) You cannot blame him for not discussing where your relationship is going.  You moved in with him without bringing it up for discussion or being sure that you are both on the same page.  The fact that he will not communicate about a very important part of your relationship is a red flag.  P.S.  Why the hell would you read a knot article to him about the signs for an impending proposal?  Passive aggressive strike #2.
Posted by **Mutley**[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This. X 2

</div>

CT324

If you are having doubts that are really doubts and him just not trying to shut you up because he is going to propose I would definitley sit down and talk to him about your future before you move away from your family.  The last thing you want is to end up in NYC and be breaking up with your BF within the first 3 months. 

Guys have different ways of expressing their feelings so if you are badgering him about the ring frequently you may be reallly pissing him off to the point where he doesn't want to propose because you are hounding him. 

oceana919

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-just-reading-things?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:71118a7d-a9e7-4976-a8d6-4ad1069b9c39Post:f25f684e-aaee-4475-a25a-f35fe9b9aa04">Re: Am I just reading into things?</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's the thing:  The engagement/proposal was brought up in passing in the beginning.  (And I don't think that you were joking about the dress.  I think that you were being passive aggressive.)  Now, you are focusing on the engagement/ring and why he isn't talking about that.  The engagement/ring is NOT the important part.  The marriage that comes after the wedding is the important part.  Did you discuss MARRIAGE?  Forget the proposal, the wedding timeline, etc.  Have you had an in-depth discussion about what each of you want in the future?  What are your individual and mutual goals?  Family, career, location, finances, etc?  (Your follow up post makes it seem like you have never discussed these things.  And if you have NOT, then the engagement/ring should not be your focus.  You need to figure out what you want, what he wants and what you want together.) You cannot blame him for not discussing where your relationship is going.  You moved in with him without bringing it up for discussion or being sure that you are both on the same page.  The fact that he will not communicate about a very important part of your relationship is a red flag.  P.S.  Why the hell would you read a knot article to him about the signs for an impending proposal?  Passive aggressive strike #2.
Posted by **Mutley**[/QUOTE]

This x 3.

NMac2010

I'm a little late on this, and I don't ever post on this board but I was just lurking and saw this.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to stop pressuring him. I was in a relationship with a man for 5 years also, we were living together, and we had talked all the time about marriage, our future, etc. I thought we were happy at the time, looking back we were just "comfortable" because we had been together for so long. We talked about marriage and timelines constantly. Well he proposed, and about 6 months later he ended up telling me how he really felt about everything. He said he felt pressured into proposing, he was confused about what he wanted, he felt like he was obligated to propose because he knew that's what I wanted, and he felt obligated because we had been together so long. He claimed he had felt this way for months, and didn't have the balls to tell me.  I was none the wiser because he was REALLY good at faking being happy, or content at least.

Long story short, it worked out because I realized we weren't right for each other and i wasn't even really happy with him either. I realized the only reason I was so focused on getting engaged and planning a wedding is because I was trying to compensate for what was lacking in the relationship. I know, sounds stupid. But when you're unhappy and you don't recognize it, your mind will play tricks on you.

 I found the man I was really supposed to be with, he proposed after 8 months, and we're getting married in 8 weeks. I'm not saying this is your situation, I'm simply saying that the absolute worst thing you can do is pressure him about this because you have no idea what's going on in his head.

Trust me, you would much rather be able to go your seperate ways before a ring is involved, and wedding plans have been made.

Just because he talks about, or makes a few comments about getting engaged, it's still all just talk. It has no bearing on what will actually happen, until it happens. And, even then, if he felt uber pressured it may not have happened for the right reasons!

GL

jwang517

dont constantly bringing it up. the more u bring up, the more likely u will spoil what he is planning... plus, even if a guy knows that you are the one, and is working on it, it doesn't me he wants to be reminded all the time... just CHILL!