Living together before marriage

stacybean

Im really curious on everyones thoughts on living together first. I have read statistics that suggest couples are less likely to get engaged if they move in together first ans that marriages are less likely to last.

I probably contribute to those since I lived with my ex for a year (after dating for about 1.5 years so total 2.5 years together) and we never got engaged (obv).

I'm now dating my current bf who I'm certain is the one. We don't currently live together even though we spend almost every night together. But moving in is something that we have talked about.

So tell me: did you and your BF/FI/husband live together before getting engaged? What are your thoughts?

Simply Fated

I haven't heard the statistics you've heard, but here's one for you... People who live together before marriage are less likely to get divorced. Of course this isn't true for everyone. But I can see it helping your odds, for sure. I fully intend on living with my boyfriend before we get married. But what works for some people, rarely works for everyone.

ejay15

I've lived with my BF for a year and a half now (we've been together for almost 3 years) and we are getting engaged soon (ring is picked out!). Personally, I would rather live with someone before getting engaged and married because then you actually get sort of a "preview" of how life will be after getting married. I've also heard/read that based on studies, it increases your chances of splitting up, but I think if the person is the wrong one for you, you're going to split up either way.

Best of luck!

sgarless

My thought would be that by living together, you get to see how both of you would get along for an extended period of time. My boyfriend and I have been talking about it as well.

Also, even if you are or aren't living together, make sure to take some time for youself. My friend and her boyfriend are pretty much inseperable and always fight, but when I'm hanging out with my friend without the boyfriend, she's insanely happy. Everyone needs some time apart sometimes

kellyt89

I think that living together 1st can help you learn a lot of things about a person you might not be able to otherwise, even if you spend every night together. Definitely don't do it if it's something you're uncomfortable with though.

BF and I are long distance right now but we may move in together after he graduates with his masters. I think we might wait until we're engaged though, but it's a long way off so we have tons of time to figure it out.

cu97tiger

I have been living with my FI for 2 and a half years of our 3 and a half year relationship. I don't think us living together first had anything to do with when we got engaged. My guess is an engagement might happen 'sooner' in cases where the couple doesn't live together first because moving in together is used as an ultimatum.

To be honest, living together has given FI and I the opportunity to work through some issues that might not have come up if we hadn't. I think everyone's situations are different, so the statistics in this case probably don't mean much.

bethsmiles

Because of mine and BF's religious beliefs we will not be living together before marriage. I know my BF has flaws and he knows I do too as long as we are willing to accept and work past those things I seriously doubt that there is something I will discover by living with him before marriage that will make me want to end the relationship.

paintgirl

We live together. H*ll we've moved together twice (big moves - several states) and now own a home together. (Note: I would not recommend buying property together without proper legal documents in place.)

I don't think that has anything to do with why we aren't engaged yet. We just haven't got around to it yet. It's on the list. We'll get there. But we're ot in a huge hurry.

I think Tiger has a point - I can see how moving in together could be viewed as a "reward" for getting engaged and so the guy proposes sooner to get the "prize".

I'm glad we live together now rather than waiting for engagement. It's good to learn how you'll live together day-to-day. It's good to know how much closet space he needs (a lot, in our case). It's good to know he can be grumpy when he gets home from work but the pup and I can perk him up. It's good to know he's good to me when I'm sick or hurt and vice versa. It's good to know we can manage our finances (which aren't together, so we have to coordinate bill paying, etc for mortgage and utilities). So... I'm all for livin' in sin!

Peaseblossom55

I having been thinking about this too. I'm preparing to ask my bf to move in with me soon.  I used to believe I wouldn't live with someone until marriage or at least an engagement.  I've never lived w/ a BF before. In this case since we know we are eventually getting married, it doesn't seem to matter which comes first to me anymore the engagement or the living together.  I look forward to that next step.  I don't want to use the "propose first before we move in together" as any reward for his proposal either

AudgiePodge

I've lived with 5 boyfrinds.  Could I see myself, at that current time, get married to them?  No, not all of them.  Did moving in together help that decision?  Absolutely.  

lavenderfields13

I don't really understand that statistic OP. I think a couple should do whatever feels right for them and if it's meant to work it will. I started off thinking I would definitely live with a SO before marriage. Then a friend explained she wouldn't because if you don't live together it's something exciting to look forward to when you do get married.
BF and I initially said we wouldn't live together before being engaged (not for religious reasons or anything) but after 4 1/2 years together and no engagement on the horizon- I went ahead and moved in with him. I couldn't wait any longer to live together. I know that just because we're living together before marriage doesn't mean I'm going to be any less ecstatic to be his wife.
I also think if you know someone well enough that you're ready to marry them not living together beforehand isn't going to ruin your marriage.

ETA: I would never consider moving in if I didn't think this was the man I would marry

TheMutleys

I typed up a whole long response and TK ate it. 

Short version:  Relationships/marriage do not fail because of the status of your habitation prior to marriage.  Relationships fail due to lack of communication, unrealistic expectations, actually being incompatible, thinking that love is enough to get you through, etc. 

Statistics do not have a bearing on MY marriage.  It is MY marriage.  It depends on my husband and I.

ETA:  We had been living together for about 6 months when we got engaged.  However, we had already discussed the big things in life before we moved in together. 

thejucheidea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:72a4cb59-5f91-4ca3-8bf7-ccecf3a0f299Post:e8f64b5e-46bc-4354-a4bf-66ce917bee9a">Re: Living together before marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]I personally would never get engaged/married to someone I hadn't lived with. I know that a lot of people disagree, especially for religious reasons. But I feel that living with someone better equips me to understand the subtle nuances of him and our relationship, making it more firmly rooted in reality rather than a fantasy of what it might be like, and me more equipped to be an effective communicator and better significant other. 
Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]
This, all of this. From living with him, I can tell you that if we had maintained separate households then came together after engagement or marriage, I would have straight up killed him.

heyimbren

I'm in a similar situation as Beth; I have no plans or real desire to move in with someone before I'm married. I DID consider it at one point with my ex, but whlie we were talking it over we realized that neither of us actually felt it was the best decision for us. Soo we didn't haha. I don't think it's necessary for a relationship.

Swazzle

We moved in together 4 months after we started dating & lived together for almost 4 years before we got engaged. Every single relationship is different. What works for one couple might not work for another.  You have to determine what is best for you & your BF by sitting down & have a discussion with him about this sort of thing. I think statistics are garbage. 

elannis

I'm going to agree, especially with Mutley, and say that relationships are what you make them. It depends on the two people. So I don't really pay much attention to the statistics.

I moved in with FI after about a year of dating, I think, but I had slowly started living with him unofficially starting probably 5 months in. I think the way we did it worked for us because we gradually worked up to living together full time and we got to learn about each other in the process and learn how to live with each other. I am happy that we have had the experience to live together and get to know each other in that way instead of waiting until marriage, but I don't think that people that wait until marriage are doing it wrong or anything. It's just my personal preference.  It depends on the people.

caitlin.cave

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:72a4cb59-5f91-4ca3-8bf7-ccecf3a0f299Post:47a9092a-017c-419d-8136-6f981d1121d7">Re: Living together before marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]I typed up a whole long response and TK ate it.  Short version:  <strong>Relationships/marriage do not fail because of the status of your habitation prior to marriage.  Relationships fail due to lack of communication, unrealistic expectations, actually being incompatible, thinking that love is enough to get you through, etc.</strong>  Statistics do not have a bearing on MY marriage.  It is MY marriage.  It depends on my husband and I. ETA:  We had been living together for about 6 months when we got engaged.  However, we had already discussed the big things in life before we moved in together. 
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

This.  Especially the bolded part.  Also, nothing I've ever read in the bible says you shouldn't live with your significant other before marriage.  It says you shouldn't have <em>sex</em> before marriage.  Those two things often go hand in hand, but they don't have to.  I have no clue about other religions' particular stances on that, so ignore it if it doesn't apply to you.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:72a4cb59-5f91-4ca3-8bf7-ccecf3a0f299Post:364fad62-bc01-4d84-ba52-0848df4bff04">Re: Living together before marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together before marriage : This.  Especially the bolded part.  Also,<strong> nothing I've ever read in the bible says you shouldn't live with your significant other before marriage.</strong>  It says you shouldn't have sex before marriage.  Those two things often go hand in hand, but they don't have to.  I have no clue about other religions' particular stances on that, so ignore it if it doesn't apply to you.
Posted by caitlin.cave[/QUOTE]

Ugh...this sentence bothers me so much. You really don't need to tell people what their own religious beliefs are.

TheMutleys

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:72a4cb59-5f91-4ca3-8bf7-ccecf3a0f299Post:39e3bc5a-d70c-4e91-8a58-c011cdf241b0">Re: Living together before marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together before marriage : Ugh...this sentence bothers me so much. You really don't need to tell people what their own religious beliefs are.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

Seriously?! 
I don't think that she was saying that at all.  She was pointing out the fact that the bible does not say anything about cohabitation.  She even said to ignore it if this doesn't apply to you.  She was NOT telling you what your own religious beliefs are.   

caitlin.cave

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:72a4cb59-5f91-4ca3-8bf7-ccecf3a0f299Post:39e3bc5a-d70c-4e91-8a58-c011cdf241b0">Re: Living together before marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together before marriage : Ugh...this sentence bothers me so much. You really don't need to tell people what their own religious beliefs are.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry it came off that way, that's not the way I intended it.  I was just saying that nothing I've ever seen suggests that it's wrong.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:72a4cb59-5f91-4ca3-8bf7-ccecf3a0f299Post:2e02a034-690b-42d5-9fd6-541118dbe2db">Re: Living together before marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together before marriage : Seriously?!  I don't think that she was saying that at all.  She was pointing out the fact that the bible does not say anything about cohabitation.  She even said to ignore it if this doesn't apply to you.  She was NOT telling you what your own religious beliefs are.   
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

I really don't care if she told me to ignore it, it rubbed me the wrong way so I'm going to say something about it.

caitlin.cave

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:72a4cb59-5f91-4ca3-8bf7-ccecf3a0f299Post:ba1712f7-14cb-43e8-8440-5a6f28a1aaab">Re: Living together before marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together before marriage : I really don't care if she told me to ignore it, it rubbed me the wrong way so I'm going to say something about it.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

As I said, I didn't intend to dictate other people's beliefs.  I'm talking about <em>my </em>personal experience, which doesn't have to be the same as yours.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:72a4cb59-5f91-4ca3-8bf7-ccecf3a0f299Post:8ff53060-b190-4a8e-9b2b-c4f59f9eebff">Re: Living together before marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together before marriage : As I said, I didn't intend to dictate other people's beliefs.  I'm talking about my personal experience, which doesn't have to be the same as yours.
Posted by caitlin.cave[/QUOTE]

That's fine if that's the way you meant it but that's not the way it came off to me.

jaycee7389

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:72a4cb59-5f91-4ca3-8bf7-ccecf3a0f299Post:fa87857d-6187-445e-a6ef-ca931db189f5">Re: Living together before marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together before marriage : That's fine if that's the way you meant it but that's not the way it came off to me.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

You could be an adult here and say "I'm sorry" ...seriously.

KatyRoseM

I've seen those statistics too.  PP are right in saying that no individual is a statistic, however it is an interesting trend that those who live together are more likely to divorce.  (This statistic also changes if you look at couples that have lived with multiple partners as opposed to those who only lived with each other). 

jaycee7389

I'm completely KUI, but I my personal opinion is that what works for one couple does not necessarily work for the next. I have to agree with what Mutley said. My sister mentioned the whole "couples who live together before marriage tend to divorce" statistic yesterday, and I think they are complete BS. I don't care what the stats say, every relationship is different.

TheMutleys

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:72a4cb59-5f91-4ca3-8bf7-ccecf3a0f299Post:ba1712f7-14cb-43e8-8440-5a6f28a1aaab">Re: Living together before marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together before marriage : I really don't care if she told me to ignore it, it rubbed me the wrong way so I'm going to say something about it.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

Just as the way that you attacked her rubbed me the wrong way.  <a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/2/15/82b28078-b87a-40cc-9fef-3f643605a183.large.gif" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '82b28078-b87a-40cc-9fef-3f643605a183', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));" class="PhotoLink"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/2/15/82b28078-b87a-40cc-9fef-3f643605a183.medium.gif" alt="" /></a>

I also think that it is one thing to disagree with what somone is saying but a whole other thing to just get defensive about it.  It seems like this is a personal issue within yourself and not with Caitlin. 

And what the Bible states and what different religions believe can be two different things.  Caitlin didn't say anything about a particular religion.  She stated a fact about contents within the Bible.  If you disagree with those facts, then that is one thing but to just say that what she typed 'bothers you so much' is ridiculous. 

kaitlynmichelle

I also think statistics are garbage.  I've been living with my BF for 4+ years now.  Our relationship is a lot stronger having lived together, especially since we're so far away from family.  I would never consider getting engaged/married to someone that I hadn't lived with, but I know other people disagree.

But statistics are silly when it comes to this kind of thing.  We will get engaged when we are ready, and not based on when we are 'most likely' to or when others do.  Our relationship is stronger because we work out our problems, communicate, etc. like Mutley said.  

BookButterfly

I second everything everyone but Beth has said about Caitlin.Cave's comment. No harm was meant, the intention was misconstrued--you're welcome to be offended, Beth, as everyone is entitled to his or her own feelings, but it seems like a lot of wasted energy on something that you just happened to take in a way that the author didn't intend.

ANYWAY. Back to thread topic.

IMHO, I don't think statistics (read:sadistics) really have much bearing on whether or not a couple stays together or not having lived together. What does, however, is the attitude a couple has going in. Some people (not all!) might move in with the attitude, "We'll see IF we can live together. IF we can live together and IF we don't kill each other, then we'll get married." Essentially, you move in with the idea that you're okay to move out.

In my opinion (and this is only really true for myself and some other people, not all), one foot in is the same as one foot out. I think if you move in with someone to "test drive" your relationship, then it can be a lot harder to switch into the mentality of "we're going to stick this out, thick or thin."

That's not to say that everyone who moved in this way has that same problem, but that's my suspicion as to why some couples who co-habitate before marriage end up divorcing.

I'm moving in with my BF in two and a half weeks. When I decided to do so, I made the decision to stick it out with him through thick and thin. If he decides he no longer wants me, then that'll be one thing, but me? I am in it for life, baby!

paintgirl

The Bible also says eating piggies is bad. But God would not make bacon so awesome if you weren't supposed to eat it.

YUM PIGGIES!!!!

Elle1036

I wonder if the study that introduced those statistics also took note of respondents' religious beliefs? That could change the implication of the results significantly. Doesn't it make sense that people who are opposed to living together due to religious beliefs are also opposed to divorce due to those same religious beliefs? I know that's a blanket statement and doesn't apply to everyone, but I do wonder if that affects the data. After all, the fact that a couple simply hasn't divorced doesn't necessarily mean that their relationship is strong or happy.