Living together before marriage

TheMutleys

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:72a4cb59-5f91-4ca3-8bf7-ccecf3a0f299Post:ba0fcff7-d946-4965-88d7-91922369a2d2">Re: Living together before marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]I wonder if the study that introduced those statistics also took note of respondents' religious beliefs? That could change the implication of the results significantly.<strong> Doesn't it make sense that people who are opposed to living together due to religious beliefs are also opposed to divorce due to those same religious beliefs? </strong>I know that's a blanket statement and doesn't apply to everyone, but I do wonder if that affects the data. <strong>After all, the fact that a couple simply hasn't divorced doesn't necessarily mean that their relationship is strong or happy.</strong>
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

This was part of what my long TK-eaten post said.  Needless to say, I wholeheartedly agree.

SKP82

I hope you're not asking everyone else's opinions in order to sway your own.  You say you've lived with a previous BF, but you don't want to live with your current BF until you get engaged. 

Do you not want to live with your current BF until you get engaged because you lived with a previous BF and DIDN'T get engaged?  Because I don't, personally, believe that is a good reason to not live with someone.

I think it is very important to live with someone before getting married.  My FI and I lived together for almost 2 years before getting engaged, and we were in a relationship for 5 years before that.  I also lived with someone for a year or so before I met my FI and we didn't get engaged.  One of the reasons we didn't get engaged was because we couldn't live together...

I don't think you should move in with someone you've only been dating for 6 months, even if you DO think he's "the one."  Spend some more time getting to know each other.  Live on your own for awhile.  What's the rush?

paintgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:72a4cb59-5f91-4ca3-8bf7-ccecf3a0f299Post:c20aa7c6-e51e-4136-9b3b-243c583d5109">Re: Living together before marriage</a>:
[QUOTE] But assuming you were raised a certain religion, isn't it a bit hypocritical to get offended at someone telling you what your religious beliefs are, when the reason you even hold those beliefs is because that's what your religion TOLD you that you believe? Posted by buggle2[/QUOTE]

So if I was raised Christian and now happen to be a Christian it's because someone TOLD me what to believe? This post doesn't make sense to me.

Except the statistics part. In my industry we say, "Statistics lie and liars use statistics."

paintgirl

Polo you rock for being able to admit it wasn't the right move at the time, take a step away, and come back when the time WAS right! Good for you!!!

I just read an article about people moving in together because of layoffs/expenses, and why it doesn't always work. It was interesting. But glad you guys worked it out in the end! Good work.

paintgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:72a4cb59-5f91-4ca3-8bf7-ccecf3a0f299Post:4afca87a-9a50-44c2-a374-1a3004713288">Re: Living together before marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]why would we make a huge life decision based on saving money?  Would I marry BF to save money?  No.  Posted by polo1425[/QUOTE]

Totally agree. We would be better off (slightly) financially if we got married but it's not a good reason to get married, so we'll wait for the right time!

jemmini6

Damn TK, I typed out a whole long response and it got eaten, so here's the cliffnotes:

I basically agree with everyone saying that the statistics are BS because there's no way to involve every aspect, aside from cohabitation, that influences people's relationships/marriages.

I lived with an exBF in college and I learned things about him that I never would have learned without living together.  That relationship obviously didn't work, but it only solidified my desire to live with someone before marriage, not turned me away from it. 

I moved in with my H after only 7 months of dating and we got engaged about a year and a half later.  I wouldn't have done it any other way.  Also, I can't tell you how nice it is to get home from the HM and just fall right back into our 'normal' routine, instead of having the awkwardness and stress of moving in, getting used to living with someone, etc.  It's taken a lot of pressure off of our brand new marriage to already have the precedent of living together.

lennonkdc

Polo- BF and I did the same thing! We moved in together too soon (4 months into dating) b/c both of us wanted to move out of our parent's houses and could not each afford a place. So we got a REALLY cheap, REALLY small apartment. The first few months were ok, but then it was bad. We were not ready, we fought all the time about everything. We loved one and other, so neither one of us wanted to break up, but how do you stop living together? It was a really difficult decision, we stuck it out for just over 2 years, but in the end we each moved back in with our folks. I got my own place when I was in law school, and almost 3 years ago we got our own apartment. The second time has been so much better. We were ready, we have a MUCH nicer, bigger apartment and we are much happier.  

I don't think living together has that great an effect on when you get engaged. Saying you don't want to live together until your engaged is borderline ultimatum in my book. I do think, however, that its important to have a long talk about expectations and time lines before moving in. If you and BF are not on the same page it can be a disaster.

Also, statistics are bunk. You decide how your life unfolds.

ravenray

You know what my favorite talk show host says about statistics?   That they either prove what we already know through common sense or they are wrong. I am not living with my FI until I am married per my religious believes.  Do what is best for you and your relationship.

fig072410

My H and I lived together less than a year before we were engaged.  The IMPORTANT thing to note is that we were talking about marriage well before deciding to move in together.

Our plan to move in together was based on the notion that it was more cost effective if we were living together (combined liing costs/less restaurant eating) and we wanted to save money together for a wedding and buying a house.  We did NOT make this decision just because we wanted to shack it up and 'live in sin'.

It was great for us.  We learned about our expectations of eachother well before we were married.  When we came back from the honeymoon it was just SO EASY and fun!  No awkwardness of getting used to being married AND learning to live with one another.

  

Bowlingchick825

My bf and I just moved in together (on Monday) after dating for 15 months.  We've been a little backwards in sorts as we just recently (2 months ago) got a puppy together.  He said that if we ever split, he'd be getting the puppy as I have a dog already.

So far, everything seems to be working out alright.  It's been a week and we're not at each others throats (thank god!).

DanieKA

Circumstances could change for me in a month or six months, but right now, I don't really see myself moving in with BF before we get engaged. It's not a religious thing, I just don't have a compelling need to. And I definitely don't want to out of convenience or financial circumstances. When we decide we want to move in together, we will. Other than that, we're perfectly content as we are (In the interest of full disclosure, I do have a townhouse I cannot sell. But I'm not trying to rent it or have BF move up here with me, just for the sake of moving in together. If I could, I would sell this place in a heartbeat, but I would get my own apartment. Not move in with BF just to move in with him). 

I've seen it go both ways with friends. Most moved in with their H's before they were married, but the vast majority of them had lived with other SO's as well. I think for some people it's just something you do. Some go into it with thoughtful consideration. Some just do it because that's what they've always done. I agree with everyone that it's all very individual. All of my friend's marriages are very young in the grand scheme of things (this could be a totally different conversation when we hit our mid/late 30's) but I don't really see any major differences in the relationships between the couples who lived together pre engagment/marriage, and those that did not. They've all had smooth sailing and hardships. What their living situation was pre "I Do" hasn't had much of an impact yet (if it will at all). 

wink0erin

I've lived with BF for 3 months now and I think it was the best decision I've made.

At first I was hesitent... he started asking me to move in last winter/early spring and I just wasn't ready yet. It took some soul searching and a few months for me to decide to move in (I had a lot of worries and I needed to talk those through first). I decided in May to move in January, but after a month I realized I wanted to move in as soon as possible. I ended up moving in with him at the very beginning of Sept.

We aren't engaged and I don't expect us to be engaged any time soon, we are happy with what we have going on now. Honestly, now that I live with him, I think about weddings/engagement LESS, and I think our families think about it MORE. But we are both in this for the long run, and that's all that matters.

Some things I've learned in these three months... communication is key, pick your battles, and hide when PMS is around.

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:72a4cb59-5f91-4ca3-8bf7-ccecf3a0f299Post:4b71e30a-7746-4bb6-8eab-df57b45f362e">Re: Living together before marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]My H and I lived together less than a year before we were engaged.  The IMPORTANT thing to note is that we were talking about marriage well before deciding to move in together. Our plan to move in together was based on the notion that it was more cost effective if we were living together (combined liing costs/less restaurant eating) and we wanted to save money together for a wedding and buying a house. <strong> We did NOT make this decision just because we wanted to shack it up and 'live in sin'.</strong> It was great for us.  We learned about our expectations of eachother well before we were married.  When we came back from the honeymoon it was just SO EASY and fun!  No awkwardness of getting used to being married AND learning to live with one another.   
Posted by fig072410[/QUOTE]

<div>Ummm...  is there <em>anyone</em> who decides to move in with a significant other out of a desire just to "live in sin?"</div><div>
</div><div>I'm confused.</div>

alyaki

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:72a4cb59-5f91-4ca3-8bf7-ccecf3a0f299Post:c20aa7c6-e51e-4136-9b3b-243c583d5109">Re: Living together before marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together before marriage : This statement cracks me up, and I'm totally going to piss someone off by saying this, but I can't resist. As someone who was raised Catholic and has since rejected organized religion pretty much as a whole... the way I see it, people identify with a religion in one of two ways. One, they grow up with a certain religion, and allow that religion to dictate or at the very least shape what they believe in..or two, the person independently develops their own belief system, and then identifies with the closest religion. I'd guess most people who hold religious beliefs fall into the first category. That's fine with me, I don't care who believes in what and I'm not about to criticize anyone for believing a certian thing. But assuming you were raised a certain religion, isn't it a bit hypocritical to get offended at someone telling you what your religious beliefs are, when the reason you even hold those beliefs is because that's what your religion TOLD you that you believe? (for the record, I agree that caitlin didn't intend it that way). /end troublemaking threadjack Regarding the OP. ..“Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.”
Posted by buggle2[/QUOTE]


I sadly know exactly where you were coming from and agree with your thoughts on that.

Also, I think stats are worthless, personally.  72% of statistics are made up on the spot (if I remember correctly - could be any number really).  A relationship is what you and your partner make of it.

MtlBride12

BF and I have been doing semi long distance for our whole relationship (together for a year as of Nov 11) and we're talking about me moving to live with him next summer/fall. I'm looking forward to living with him, I'm a big believer in living together before getting married. I lived with my ex and it really helped me see whether or not I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life (obviously in that case it was not). 

Clearly it's very dependent on the couple and your own beliefs, I just find that living together shows you all the sides of a person - good and bad - and you really figure out how to work together as a team. I do agree that the stats aren't really a good indication of what will happen long term. You have to do what's best for your relationship and situation.

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:72a4cb59-5f91-4ca3-8bf7-ccecf3a0f299Post:afe539ca-c248-4dd1-ad3d-e0b1a99b085a">Re: Living together before marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to  Re: Living together before marriage : I think this is completely valid, and I've seen this mentioned in articles that talk about cohabitation.  Basically, people that refuse to live together because of religious reasons, are also less likely to divorce because they don't believe in it (regardless of the health of their marriage). <strong> I don't PLAN on divorcing FI, but I certainly believe that there are some relationships that go bad, and divorce is necessary. </strong>  I'm really glad FI and I moved in together before getting engaged.  We're looking at a lot of changes coming up - me graduating from grad school, getting married, looking to buy a new home - and I'm so happy that mixed into all of that is learning how to live with FI.  We had a rough period of adjustment, and that's all over with now.  We want to buy a new home after the wedding, but we're not planning on doing that until about 6 months (at least) after.  I would just really rather take things one step at a time.   I didn't want to live with a BF unless I knew we were in it for the long haul (FI and I had talked about it before, and both agreed it was a step towards getting engaged/married), but I think it was necessary for us to live together to decide that we were definitely going to get married.  
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Totally agree.  I'm obviously not counting on a divorce, but I'm a realist about it and would rather get a divorce than stay in an unhappy marriage that I didn't think could be fixed.  Of course, attempts to fix it would come first.</div><div>
</div><div>Anyway, yeah, this is exactly what I meant in my post.

</div>

wink0erin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living-together-before-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:72a4cb59-5f91-4ca3-8bf7-ccecf3a0f299Post:afe539ca-c248-4dd1-ad3d-e0b1a99b085a">Re: Living together before marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to  Re: Living together before marriage : <strong>I don't PLAN on divorcing FI, but I certainly believe that there are some relationships that go bad, and divorce is necessary</strong>.   
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

I'm already pre-planning my divorce =P