fall 2011 wedding talk + no ring yet = confusion. advice, please! (long post)

kathleenmaeve

Hi all.  I've been lurking on this forum and finally decided to turn to other people who may (or may not) be in similar positions as I.  Here goes: my boyfriend and I are in the midst of an engagement dilemma. 

We went ring shopping together in July and a friend of mine who works at the jewelry store showed us a number of rings.  I fell in love with one in particular but it's hard to come by.  Here are the problems: 1) It's out of my boyfriend's price range to buy it right out of the store (but my friend said she may be able to work a deal for us). 2) Apparently, it's been recently discontinued by the company that makes it.  The bottom line is we looked at rings over a month and a half ago and he still has yet to have one in hand for me, despite the fact that he's trying.  I'm beginning to wonder if we should continue to go through my friend/jewelry store or if we should start over somewhere new.

Meanwhile, my parents (realizing that the impending wedding could be anywhere from a year to a year and a half away) asked me to do a little research into costs so they can save up some money.  My boyfriend and I have been researching and visiting venues together to get prices as I didn't want to do anything without talking/involving him.  We LOVE the fall and the idea of an autumn wedding but the only fall we can have a wedding is next fall (2011) because we will be hitting the academic job market in fall of 2012 and it is absolutely impossible to attempt to get married and find a job (in a down market) at the same time.

SO...this brings me to the problem.  We are sitting down tomorrow to seriously discuss the possibility of a wedding in about a year (Fall 2011). I know we both prefer this time of year and are ready for the commitment, etc.  The problem is...what to do about the ring and proposal?  I'm afraid of feeling like the whole experience isn't special given that we pretty much have agreed that we'd like to get married (and it could be as soon as around a year from now) but, I don't have a ring and there wasn't an official "proposal" as such. 

What to do if we decide to go with next fall?  Scrap the fancy (and expensive) engagement ring and go for something simpler so that we can use the money for the wedding?  Or, continue to wait for THE ring and put planning on hold until we get it? (potentially missing out on being able to book our venue for next fall if we wait too long).   Part of me feels as if I should focus on the potential for our lives together and a wonderful experience in the fall of next year rather than worry about the logistics of an engagement ring right now.  I guess I'm just confused overall about how I feel about the situation...

Sorry for the ENORMOUS post; it's a complicated story! 

zipis1

I know this won't seem terribly helpful, but it's really up to you and what you feel is right.

From what I have seen of the ladies on here and my friends who have planned their weddings, you will not need as much time as most people are led to believe. So, it may very well be possible for you to plan a wedding while looking for a job then. But, I'll let people with personal experience weigh in on that more.

Practically speaking, I would say you don't need to worry about the ring, and that as long as you're both stable in every other way (can afford your rent and all your bills completely on your own and such), I wouldn't aim for it. You could always go with a cheaper ring for now and upgrade later. Or, if you have a picture of the ring, oftentimes they can be custom made for less. Another option would be to buy the setting without the diamond, and then use a lab created stone such as moissanite. That would make it a lot cheaper.

However, if you really want that ring, waiting isn't going to hurt anybody, and would give both you and your parents time to save up for everything. And waiting to get married until after you both have stable jobs is really always the best option, as money is the #1 cause of divorce

deburnin

As Zipis said, waiting isn't going to hurt if you two have decided to be committed to each other. I'd say waiting until you are both more financially stable and giving yourself more time to save would be the better decision than rushing to try to pull things together by next fall. If you want to skip the engagement ring or go with something smaller and cheaper and upgrade in the future I don't see a problem with that, but if buying the e-ring is a difficulty then wouldn't even a very budget wedding be stretching things?

notquiteblushing

My parents paid for my weddng and I  think as much notice as you can give them is best.  We got engaaged in January but I confided in my mother that I thought an egangement was coming the previous November.

Anyway, seriously, I think the ring is something you have to come to terms with yourself.  I would have been happy with almost anything my husband gave me.  I think if you are commited to marry your BF then you should be willing to accept whatever he presents you.  If you think that he wants to wait longer to get you"dream ring" then I think you should figure that out betweeen youselves.

Good luck and happy planning!

[Deleted User]

If you're set on having a ring, why don't you go ahead and look for a simple band? You can get what you'll eventually use as your wedding band, and he can officially propose with it; it won't be (may not be) as expensive as the engagement ring, and it will still be one you'll wear forever.And it won't be just a temp ring.

TheMcIntyres

Honestly, my ring is smaller than what I had always pictured in my head. And I LOVE it. In my opinion, you will love whatever the man you are planning on spending the rest of your life with gets you.

kathleenmaeve

Re: Financial Stability- You all are absolutely right; it's really important for both of us to have stable jobs (with which we can support a house, family, each other, etc.) before we get married.  Unfortunately, we both are full-time graduate students for the next 3 years and despite our limited finances (our yearly take home pay is $4,000 BELOW the national poverty level) we are able to support ourselves in terms of rent, utilities, groceries, etc.  We just can't support a wedding which is why my (and his) parents are going to pay for it. 

In other words, it's very common for grad students to get married in the process of grad school despite not having much cash for the wedding or fitting the traditional definition of "financial stability".  We both know that we want to get married prior to 3 years from now when we'll (hopefully) have jobs with much larger salaries so waiting to be able to pay for most of the wedding isn't really an option (and never really was).  I plan on paying my parents back some of the money they give to me for the wedding once I am making the "big bucks" (sarcasm, really!) as a professor so I'm looking at this as a long term loan from my parents. 

Re: Getting a simple ring or band vs. THE ring: I also think this is the best way to go.  After typing out our strange financial situation, I realize more and more that he doesn't need to (and, frankly, shouldn't) pay out of his price range for an E-ring.  I actually suggested just getting a simple ring, a moissanite ring, or a sparkly wedding band to double as both the E-ring and though he initially rejected this, maybe he'll feel differently once we talk things through.

Thanks girls!

**Mutley**

A)  You do not need a ring to be engaged.  However, it sounds like you DO want a proposal.   You can have a proposal without a ring.  Talk to your bf about what both of you want.   (My DH proposed without a ring, or even a plan to propose.  It was completely heartfelt and I wouldn't change a thing.)

  Don't plan until you are engaged.  It feels weird because it is.  You do not need a ton of time to plan a wedding, despite what the wedding industry wants you to believe.   (We planned our wedding in 6 months, and still had everything we wanted.)

SassyBrass

Depending on the formality and location of your wedding, you don't always need a year out, it's just "advised" to give you more breathing room. Or more time to think about what else you can spend money on.
As far as the ring goes, a lot of girls see pictures or see very elaborate rings and think that it's exactly what they want. I'd imagine a lot of guys really hate that since it's not always feasible. My best friend had her "ideal" ring in her head, one of those sets with the diamonds all around both bands, princess cut, etc. Her husband got her a very simple set. Guess what, she loved it, it was perfect, because it was what he gave to her when he asked her to marry him.
I'm using their story because I didn't know what my ring would look like at all. It was still perfect actually. All I'm getting at is that you can have a ring that you love, because it's yours. You don't need a ring to be engaged, but it seems like it's a staple for you. That's fine. I just think that if you are both on a budget, get something simple for yourselves now, and one day you can upgrade for an anniversary or something. It's more realistic for where you are both at now.

Good luck and happy planning (whenever you start).

deburnin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_fall-2011-wedding-talk-ring-yet-confusion-advice-please-long-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:77e2a0fc-46ba-41cf-b6cd-6963fdad5866Post:50fe0687-b0dd-4789-8a86-91db072f2adc">Re: fall 2011 wedding talk + no ring yet = confusion. advice, please! (long post)</a>:
[QUOTE]We both know that we want to get married prior to 3 years from now when we'll (hopefully) have jobs with much larger salaries so <strong>waiting to be able to pay for most of the wedding isn't really an option (and never really was)</strong>.
Posted by kathleenmaeve[/QUOTE]

<div><font face="Arial" size="3" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">For the record, it is an option just not one that your willing to look at.</span></font></div><div><font face="Arial" size="3" class="Apple-style-span"><span style="font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
</span></font></div>

TopazAngel

Plan the wedding--you know you want it soon and your parents are helping. Get engaged with a simple ring. Once you've established yourselves it'll probably be a lot of fun to go find THE ring! You will have something weddingish to look forward to after all the hooplah (and post-wedding letdown) have worn off

KD+BC

If this was me here is how I would handle the situation (because I did).

1) Wait for bf to propose with whatever he feels he should/wants to propose with.

2) After proposal, figure out how long it would take to save up the funds needed for the ceremony.

3) Pick a date based on how long it will take to have the funds, not because I like a time of year.

FI proposed on Christmas this past year. I'm a teacher and always thought I'd have a summer wedding. We realized that we wouldn't be able to save enough to have the wedding we want in 6-7 months so we decided to get married in October instead. We will each take a couple days off for the wedding and go on our honeymoon during my February break.

I wanted to get married in the summer but realized it just wasn't practical so we changed to fall. I looked at silly things before the proposal but nothing officially (I didn't get prices or anything).

I think this may be the answer to your probems.

**Mutley**

KD, stop being sensible.  Obviously, the OP should listen to Topaz and get to planning her wedding since her parents are paying.  Seriously, Topaz? 

KD+BC

Sorry Mutley, something came over me.

PaigeMcC

i ditto everyone that gave you good advice - aka not Topaz.

KD is a good example.  Listen to her.

desertsun

Hoping that my personal experience will help you -- 

I wanted a beautiful diamond e-ring. I was willing to wait for my then BF to save up and be financially responsible.

You know what a month of married bliss has taught me?

I don't need my ring.

All I need is my amazing husband.

I do have to admit that I love my ring and it makes me happy every single day. But I don't need it, and I'd rather go without than have waited longer to be married. My H makes me WAY happier than my ring and I would choose him over it every.single.time.

So focus on what REALLY matters: people, not things.

I say go for something moissanite or less expensive and shoot for next fall. 

Hope that helps. Please keep us updated! And good luck.

[Deleted User]

Mutley-- FYI, I heart your siggy.

kathleenmaeve

Again, thanks for all of the advice!  The BF and I sat down and talked yesterday and decided that he's going to work on the ring over the next few weeks and if there is still little movement on THAT particular ring, we'll re-assess.  I don't need that particular ring, he just knows that I love it and wants to do whatever he can to make sure I love things (he's just that kind of person- classic care-taker).

Either way, it's looking like Fall 2011 will be it!  Even though we've pretty much decided on this, I think he still wants to make a "proposal" happen sometime in the next few months.  I'm OK with this because, as so many people said here, the E-ring is not the important factor in an engagement, a wedding, or a marriage; the important factor is the person you're with.  And, luckily, it sounds like we all have one of those

catemeg

My BF is a full time student, and also lives significantly below the poverty level based on his living expenses after tuition.  So I totally understand how it can be difficult to find the extra money for an engagement ring.  If my parents weren't interested in paying for our wedding, we'd probably have a much smaller ceremony that we could afford and the budget would be significantly less.  But we're lucky that my parents are able to and interested in paying for our wedding, and don't have any strings attached (they're writing us a check for their total amount, and then it's up to us to budget it as we see fit).

I think a solitaire engagement ring with a sparkly wedding band is not only absolutely beautiful but also a much more economical way of getting a bit of 'bling'.  Then, if you both decide you want to upgrade the setting at some point, you can do that.  But I think if you take care to pick out a nice wedding band that you love, your engagement ring will look stunning without any upgrades.

raw1299

i am not engaged yet, but we definitely know we want to get married late sept. of 2011. we just recently looked at rings again, and assured me we didnt need to look any further because i had found my ring. and about a week later he decided to do something this year for our anniversary, a weekend vacation in NYC in november. i'm guessing thats when he'll propose, i have a gut feeling. that will give me 10 months to do everything, which is a perfectly reasonable time. a normal engagement is inbetween 6-12 months, so obviously you gotta get everything done in that time.

if you guys are having financial trouble, try and get a credit card or loan.

Goldlie11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_fall-2011-wedding-talk-ring-yet-confusion-advice-please-long-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:77e2a0fc-46ba-41cf-b6cd-6963fdad5866Post:6e6815c5-0978-4918-b96d-23e410fb7221">Re: fall 2011 wedding talk + no ring yet = confusion. advice, please! (long post)</a>:
[QUOTE]i am not engaged yet, but we definitely know we want to get married late sept. of 2011. we just recently looked at rings again, and assured me we didnt need to look any further because i had found my ring. and about a week later he decided to do something this year for our anniversary, a weekend vacation in NYC in november. i'm guessing thats when he'll propose, i have a gut feeling. that will give me 10 months to do everything, which is a perfectly reasonable time. a normal engagement is inbetween 6-12 months, so obviously you gotta get everything done in that time. <strong>if you guys are having financial trouble, try and get a credit card or loan.</strong>
Posted by raw1299@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]
Are you advising the OP and her FI to go into debt for a piece of jewelry?  Um, no.  <div>
</div><div>OP, put your money in the stone and get a very simple setting.  It's really easy to reset a ring later down the road.  You can also look into buying the ring from a vendor that has an upgrade policy.  Whiteflash does.  </div><div>
</div><div>I agree with the others that once you get engaged, the ring won't be as important.  Don't get me wrong, I still love to stare at my ring after being engaged for about 10 months.  However, the sentiment is the most important part.  </div>

[Deleted User]

Do NOT get a credit card or a loan for a ring, please!! There are so many other options.

Ana_2985

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_fall-2011-wedding-talk-ring-yet-confusion-advice-please-long-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:77e2a0fc-46ba-41cf-b6cd-6963fdad5866Post:6e6815c5-0978-4918-b96d-23e410fb7221">Re: fall 2011 wedding talk + no ring yet = confusion. advice, please! (long post)</a>:
[QUOTE]i am not engaged yet, but we definitely know we want to get married late sept. of 2011. we just recently looked at rings again, and assured me we didnt need to look any further because i had found my ring. and about a week later he decided to do something this year for our anniversary, a weekend vacation in NYC in november. i'm guessing thats when he'll propose, i have a gut feeling. that will give me 10 months to do everything, which is a perfectly reasonable time.<strong> a normal engagement is inbetween 6-12 months, so obviously you gotta get everything done in that time. if you guys are having financial trouble, try and get a credit card or loan.</strong>
Posted by raw1299@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

A)  Normal?  What is normal?  No, you "obviously" do not need to get everything done in that time because I've been engaged for almost 12 months, everything is NOT done, AND there are still 10 months until our wedding.  So...?  I may not be normal but I assure there is nothing wrong with or abnormal about an engagement less than 6 months or greater than 12.

B)  Telling someone to take out a loan or go into credit card debt is absolutely ridiculous, horrible advice.  I hope your boyfriend knows better than you.

kathleenmaeve

No worries, ladies!  He has money put away for this.  When I say the ring is "out of his price range" I mean that it's outside of the savings he's put away specifically for this.  He's on top of things  

But, Raw, I think your heart was in the right place.  I assume you meant that even if we don't have the money right now, there are ways of financing a big purchase like that as an alternative to cash.  Luckily, it's not necessary here but I know that some people do need to finance aspects of their wedding.

raw1299

#1: i meant a credit card or loan for THE WEDDING. alot of people do that, because obviously some people cant pull 30k out of their ass.

and you CAN get wedding planning done in 6 months. you might not, but other people have, and succeeded.

im not trying to get into any fights, i was just reassuring her on finance options and a possible short engagement.

sapphirebaby926

Putting a wedding on a credit card or taking out a loan is a terrible idea - you should plan the wedding you can afford. It's ONE day and taking on that much debt for a party is silly.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_fall-2011-wedding-talk-ring-yet-confusion-advice-please-long-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:77e2a0fc-46ba-41cf-b6cd-6963fdad5866Post:d310bf4b-f62b-458c-9215-0e2f4c6cdfeb">Re: fall 2011 wedding talk + no ring yet = confusion. advice, please! (long post)</a>:
[QUOTE]#1:<strong> i meant a credit card or loan for THE WEDDING. alot of people do that, because obviously some people cant pull 30k out of their ass.</strong> and you CAN get wedding planning done in 6 months. you might not, but other people have, and succeeded. im not trying to get into any fights, i was just reassuring her on finance options and a possible short engagement.
Posted by raw1299@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

I agree with Sapphire. If you don't have that kind of money for a wedding (and a LOT of people don't spend that much on their weddings) then you don't plan a wedding that will cost that much. You can have a beautiful wedding for $1000, $10K or $30K - price really doesn't matter. And if $30K isn't affordable, then you plan for less.

Goldlie11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_fall-2011-wedding-talk-ring-yet-confusion-advice-please-long-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:77e2a0fc-46ba-41cf-b6cd-6963fdad5866Post:d310bf4b-f62b-458c-9215-0e2f4c6cdfeb">Re: fall 2011 wedding talk + no ring yet = confusion. advice, please! (long post)</a>:
[QUOTE]#1: i meant a credit card or loan for THE WEDDING. alot of people do that, because obviously some people cant pull 30k out of their ass. and you CAN get wedding planning done in 6 months. you might not, but other people have, and succeeded. im not trying to get into any fights, i was just reassuring her on finance options and a possible short engagement.
Posted by raw1299@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]
Right.  Putting 30K on a credit card is a great idea.   /sarcasm<div>Seriously, putting the ring on a credit card is a better idea than using one for a party.  </div><div>
</div>

PandaBurr

You guys just don't understand. Your marriage isn't valid unless you spend more money than you can budget and go into debt over your pretty princess day.

raw1299

some people go into debt because of weddings. ive heard of people taking out a second loan on their house(i.e. my brother and his fiance). some people might think thats ok, because thats their choice, they can do whatever they want with their wedding, but i wouldnt do that. id make sure we had the money before.

why is everyone ganging up on me?

sapphirebaby926

It's just bad advice to tell someone to go into debt for a party. Do people do it? Yeah, but it doesn't make it a good idea.