Please help me manage expectations

CvilleClaire

Hi all,

I'm very new here, but have been poking around and reading for a few weeks.  I'm feeling a little sad and quite a bit silly today and just need to get this off my shoulders.

My boyfriend of five years and I have been talking casually about marriage for about a year and have started more serious talking in the last few months.  We went ring shopping in the 2nd week of July (not to pick a specific ring, but to show him what settings appeal to me).  He mentioned our jeweler calling him twice since and I know he has been in to see her twice.

After the ring shopping day, we started a tradition of going to a new vineyard each Sunday (we live in Virginia wine country).  Inevitably, the conversations at the tastings turn to our wedding.  Yesterday, he also asked me about who would be in my bridal party.  I told him I felt a little odd talking about that since it seemed like we were putting the cart before the horse.

All this momentum seemed to be leading up to today, my birthday.

BUT

Last night, he started talking about cameras.  I have wanted a new DSLR camera for about a year now.  It's a pretty major purchase, but I assumed that I would eventually buy it myself.  This morning, when I got into his car (he drove me to work), there was a print out about a camera in the backseat.

My first reaction was to feel sad.  All the talk about marriage and a wedding seemed to be leading to engagement.  Then, I felt silly because the camera is a lovely gift...really wonderful.  I should be happy at the thought of having it. 


Did anyone else have their expectations build up like this?  How did you handle it?  What was the result? 

Button5807

It sounds like may you should talk to him even more. Ask him about a timeline. In the meantime you can't try to figure out when he's going to propose, it's going to drive you insane. You need to focus on your relationship and enjoy what's going on right now.

catemeg

You only started looking at rings 2 weeks ago.  Take a deep breath, remind yourself that you've both expressed a solid interest in getting married, and now you just need to relax and let things take their course.  I'd say it's probably a fair bet you might be waiting a few more weeks, if not a few more months, before he actually gets down on one knee.  If for no other reason than doing it so quickly wouldn't be much of a surprise!

In other news, I kind of hate you for having access to the Virginia vineyards.  My boyfriend and I used to go all the time when we were living near DC.  You seem to be near Charlottesville, no?  Have you been to Blenheim, First Colony, and Kluge?  Those are my favorites in that area!

GreenPepperBurger

First of all, happy birthday! And I agree with PPs -- the fact that you've talked about marriage, looked at rings and that your BF has had contact with the jeweler looks like a good sign. I think a proposal IS coming, but when it does it what remains up in the air. Just relax, enjoy this time your BF and try not to think about it (too much, at least).

KatyRoseM

Don't worry too much about it happening, it will.  Also building it up in your mind will make it less special.  Some people don't want to propose on a big day, like a birthday.  My Fi proposed while I was doing homework, he wanted it to be a surprise, so the point is you never know when its going to happen, just enjoy your life.

CvilleClaire

Thank you, thank you.  These comments are exactly what I needed to read. 

I guess I should add that he was ring shopping before he took me along.  He had selected a three stone ring based on a conversation we had had a long time ago.  I think I surprised him when I gravitated towards a single stone that was set on a split band.

Anyway, thank you all, again.  I really needed some impartial voices to drown out the things swirling in my head.


[QUOTE]You seem to be near Charlottesville, no?  Have you been to Blenheim, First Colony, and Kluge?  Those are my favorites in that area!
Posted by catemeg[/QUOTE]Yes!  I've been to most of the vineyards in the area, but there are some new ones that I still haven't gotten to.  Cardinal has been around for at least a couple years and we still haven't gotten there.  Our favorite is Veritas, but Blenheim is a close second.  They've stepped up their game in recent years.  :)

I haven't been to Kluge,but I know I need to get over whatever stories I've heard about the women and go try to wines.

catemeg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_please-manage-expectations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:83761961-007b-4577-9106-29f14d4a8bd5Post:4e2160b2-e027-44dd-8e2b-c9f8a81b71b3">Re: Please help me manage expectations</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes!  I've been to most of the vineyards in the area, but there are some new ones that I still haven't gotten to.  Cardinal has been around for at least a couple years and we still haven't gotten there.  Our favorite is Veritas, but Blenheim is a close second.  They've stepped up their game in recent years.  :) I haven't been to Kluge,but I know I need to get over whatever stories I've heard about the women and go try to wines.
Posted by CvilleClaire[/QUOTE]

Haven't tried Cardinal or Veritas - we'll be up in Charlottesville for a wedding next fall, so I'll put it on our itinerary!  As we were based in DC, we did a lot of Northern Virginia vineyards - if you're ever up there, check out Chrysalis.  My all time favorite!

To be honest, my favorite part about Kluge was the view and atmosphere outside.  It's in one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen in Virginia, with rolling hills of vines at their front door.  All the wine is sparkling, and their prices are truly outrageous (we'd never buy a bottle).  It's all very good, but nothing worth the excessive pricetag.  We didn't interact with anyone very much, it wasn't much of an interactive tasting.

katanne9

You know what to do - manage your expectations. Just keep waiting and don't expect a proposal anytime soon. As long as you are on the same page about a potential marriage timeline you just need to relax, enjoy and wait.

Acrosthec

PPs have given some excellent advice, so all I have to say is:  Happy Birthday!  :-D

run21

Agree with pps, especially whoever said working yourself up can make the moment less exciting. I am convinced my bf will propose during something super-romantic like lawn mowing. I look at it this way - put the bar SOOOO low that is it impossible to be disappointed.

(That's not a slam on my bf - we just aren't public people nor do I see us in black tie for the big event.)

CvilleClaire

Thanks again, everyone.

He gave me a giftcard to the camera store at lunch today, so I've been doing research on the two options I liked previously and am pretty excited. 

I think I have a problem with my birthday overall.  Before I met my boyfriend, I barely celebrated by birthday.   I just never made a big deal about it.

My boyfriend is big on celebrating birthdays and always planned something elaborate.   There seemed to be a pattern of behavior forming, but I needed a few clear heads to bring me back to earth.

Thanks again.

CvilleClaire

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_please-manage-expectations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:83761961-007b-4577-9106-29f14d4a8bd5Post:f66bcab0-a646-4126-91dd-8950bfa5f0dc">Re: Please help me manage expectations</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please help me manage expectations : Haven't tried Cardinal or Veritas - we'll be up in Charlottesville for a wedding next fall, so I'll put it on our itinerary!  As we were based in DC, we did a lot of Northern Virginia vineyards - if you're ever up there, check out Chrysalis.  My all time favorite! [/QUOTE]It's on the list!  We're up in NOVA fairly often and we'll definitely check Chrysalis out.  Thanks for the recommendation!

[QUOTE]To be honest, my favorite part about Kluge was the view and atmosphere outside.  It's in one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen in Virginia, with rolling hills of vines at their front door.  All the wine is sparkling, and their prices are truly outrageous (we'd never buy a bottle).  It's all very good, but nothing worth the excessive pricetag.  We didn't interact with anyone very much, it wasn't much of an interactive tasting.
Posted by catemeg[/QUOTE]Patricia Kluge is a pretty controversial figure around here and it doesn't surprise me that all of her wines are sparkling.  Ha ha! 

We heard that two of her wines were served at the Clinton wedding last weekend. :)

run21

I missed that today is your bday! Happy birthday!

I'm a big fan of birthdays, especially for women. #1. Calorie-free cake. #2. Calorie-free anything-else-you've-wanted-all-year-but-didn't-eat. #3. Day to be selfish, do what you want, when you want, with whomever you want.

I figure I bust my hump 360 or so days a year between work and taking care of the people I love in my life, on that one day I figure ... whateva! I do what I want!

oceana919

First of all, happy birthday!

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, and seem to be taking a very reasonable, mature, level-headed approach to the whole situation. All I can really tell you is to relax (as much as you can) and try to enjoy this stage of your relationship - the anticipation of the proposal, talking about your mutual expectations for your marriage, the excitement of knowing that you have a man who loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. This is a great period in your relationship, and believe me - you'll miss it when you're hip deep in linen selections, cake fillings, and crazy FILs.

That being said - take a deep breath, relax and just enjoy your birthday. He'll propose when he's ready, and it will be wonderful, no matter when it happens.

loves2shop4shoes

Happy Birthday!

Just relax...it may take a while for him to propose.  BF and I started looking at rings around April, he bought my ring 2 months ago, and I'm still waiting.

I know it's easy to get wrapped up in the excitement, but just try to enjoy where you're at in your relationship right now.

emcsims

I had the same problem. Every time a major event or holiday came up, I expected and expected and it didn't happen. I spent a lot of time crying. 

You should let him know how you felt--without pressuring him, if you could ask him to let  you know that it's not going to happen on a 'big day,' then perhaps that would help you calm your expectations. 

Emily

http://www.howtogethimtopropose.com

misskrysbaby

I'm just going to echo the same sentiments as the other's and say relax! Both the poster and Whereyat...enjoy this time in your relationship. You know it's coming, you know you're getting a ring at some point, have you ever thought that maybe the reason he's dragging his feet is because he's a little nervous? A bit scared, maybe? Those are normal feelings and if your guys are like my guy, he wants to make it as special and as meaningful as possible. And men are only human, you can talk about it until you're blue in the face but they're sometimes still going to have the jitters about it. Cut them some slack and give them some time to plan, to make it perfect for the two of you. My FI waited 5 months to propose and when he did, it was when I was falling asleep on our anniversary. Seriously, I was in bed, drifting off to sleep and he proposed. Lol! He could've done it at the restaurant, beforehand at home, anywhere and he chose in bed. The reason? He was nervous! He had the ring all along and just didn't get up the guts to do it. So just be patient and let your guy have the joy of planning and making it special. He will do it when he's good and ready and it will be perfect for the two of you.

Calumet

This exact same thing happened to me!!!!!

We ended up talking about it and I felt like I was okay - THEN he ended up proposing 4 days after my birthday. Turned out he had been planning it for that specific day for MONTHS. Both our families were there, it was on stage, the man had done his homework. He told me he was trying so hard to keep a straight face during our whole post-birthday-no-proposal discussion.


My point is, don't be so sure it isn't coming! It sounds like he is definitely planning. Have hope girl, it's coming!