7 years and doubting to go farther?!...

Tootlez

I've been dating my bf for about 7 years now (i know i know, but we dated since high school and wanted to wait until we graduated college before moving on with life)...

I don't know if i'm just really ready to move on or what but i'm getting horrible doubts about us being able to make it past engagement.
I have talked to him, and he keeps telling me that things will be moving along with in few months to a year. He's needing a better job so that we can attempt to afford anything.

My doubts start to build when i think about how we don't really have anything that betters one another. We are both majorly laid back, and some times i feel kinda like he's pulling me back from things i want to do. We don't really have anything we do together except watch movies/tv or play games (which is what he does more than eating...), every once in a while we go walking and talk --- those times i enjoy termendously. It annoys me that everything ends up "It's up to you" or "You choose" when i refuse enough trying to get him to decide what he wants to do so I know what he likes besides his games...

I have no doubt that I love him (and he loves me) and that he would make a wonderful husband and father (some day)... but right now i just need some sort of help as to how to handle these horrifying doubts.
I'm probably just really wanting to move on and doubting that things will happen, and just afraid of what might come, but I hate feeling like this when we are so close to becoming engaged/married ...
I just really don't know what to think...

bethsmiles

Have you told him how you feel? Its possible that you are growing apart but its also possible that you just need to work some things out with him. I would go tell him what you just told us. Its highly likely he doesn't know you are feeling this way.

Tootlez

I have talked to him, and I told him i'm doubting a lot. He keeps telling me that he'll have things going soon.
It breaks my heart to know that I might be loosing him, and I love everything else about him ...

We recently went to a wedding (his cousins), and I was listening to a story that was told about how they met and all the things that they do together... and it got me thinking that we really don't have anything like that.
I'm outgoing about ceratin things, but I think he's the one that would rather sit still and do nothing and be bored in 2 seconds cause i'm not right there.

PandaBurr

My opinion is that you really need to think about your relationship, and whether or not you're in it because you truly think you're perfect for ecah other, or because you've been together so long it just seems like the right thing to do. I'm not saying that you should break up or that your relationship isn't right, but these are pretty big doubts. I think you should try talking to him more about how you feel, and really figure out whether or not your personalites really mesh that well. People change a lot in their early 20s, so it wouldn't be entirely surprising if you find that you're just not the same people you were 7 years ago.

PaigeMcC

I think you need to sit down and chat about this again.  Your fears are real.  (That sounds like a headline from The Onion....but I digress...) If you really feel that there is something you need to work on then you need to do that.  These are big doubts you're having, and hopefully they can be worked out, BUT you really need to examine your relationship to figure this out.

My FI is a stay-at-home and play games kind of guy.  I am not.  That doesn't mean we're not compatible it just means we have some different interests.  What is it that you want to do?  What do you feel is holding you back?  Is it him or is it something else?  What did you two connect over in the beginning?

These are all things you need to look at and you need to talk to him about.  Maybe, after 7 years, it's time to start focusing on your relationship.  It's time for both parties to take an active role and get back into the swing of things.  You said you liked those walks/talks.  Try more of those.  Find something you both enjoy, something you can bond over and keep talking.  Keep communicating.  Remember though - love is not always enough.  You can love someone til the cows come home but if it's not working then maybe it wasn't meant to be.  (I really hope that it is  though!) Good luck hunny

Tootlez

Thanks for yours comments...
I will try to talk to him this afternoon/tonight when he gets off work.

PaigeMcC

Good luck, hun.  Let us know how it goes.

Tootlez

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_7-years-doubting-farther?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:851186f3-c320-48c0-8fce-b0a4785650b1Post:3399e420-9ed4-45e7-bbee-3badee852577">Re: 7 years and doubting to go farther?!...</a>:
[QUOTE]Good luck, hun.  Let us know how it goes.
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]

 Will do :)  And i hope for the best myself.

catemeg

It sounds like you might be in a rut, or you might just have gotten comfortable and making the next step seems like the only thing to do.

Talking to him (and getting therapy, alone or together) can help you out of a rut, if that's the problem.  They have a movie called the Seven Year Itch for a reason - it's a challenge and requires work on both your parts to keep things exciting after so long.  It's not something that happens naturally.  Think of the Jimmy Buffet song about the couple that likes "Pina coladas, getting caught in the rain" - sometimes the person you see every day is more exciting than you may think.

You also should do some serious assessing of the situation and your needs.  Imagine a life without him - not right after the break-up, and not dating other people.  Think of what things you would do (exercise more, take a painting class, spend more time with friends, etc.) for yourself that you're not doing now.  If there are things he's "holding you back from" because you've both fallen in a rut, then go do them!  It's important to fulfill yourself first.  Now if you truly believe you'd be happier with someone else after 7 years being together, then you can think about moving on, but it sounds like you are compatible, just stuck in the mud right now.

Good luck!

GreenPepperBurger

I think sometimes doubts are normal. If you and your BF have been together for seven years, and are pretty much comfortable and set in your routines, the prospect of becoming engaged and married can suddenly make your head spin. It doesn't sound like your BF has any doubts about you, which might make you feel guilty about your own insecurities. I think that's a pretty normal feeling.

My BF is definitely one of those sit-at-home kinds of people, and is all about the "whatever you want," "it's up to you." Sometimes I love it, other times I wish he would just make a decision. But I notice that if I tell him that I want him to make plans or do something, he will do it. Some men just need to be pushed.

What I am concerned about is that you said you don't think either of you betters the other. That is a pretty strong choice of words. Just because you are both laidback doesn't mean that you can't help better one another. Do you push him in his job, do you encourage him? Does he have a special personality trait that you find yourself lacking that you really appreciate in him? Those are the types of things that help couples better one another.

My advice would be to maybe take a trip together. It doesn't have to be extravagant, maybe a long weekend to another state or a little inn nearby. Do some fun, out of the ordinary activities together. It may be just the thing to give you that extra jolt.

GL. Please keep us updated!

Tootlez

You all are helping a lot!

Funny we just took a trip with his parents to NY for that wedding i mentioned, and we spent more time together than interested in the wedding...

I've tried many time to imagine my life with out him at all, and I know that my life has made an amazing turn after we started dating, and I wouldn't trade anything to go back to the way it was. We've had a fall out a couple years ago and I really don't know what I'd do besides go back to doing what I was before we were dating... I'd really have no purpose to do anything.

I know that we both need each other to push ourselves to do things ... We have a lot of things that we like, but not many things that we do together, and I can't play the games he does for the length he does...

One of the things that makes me feel like his holding me back was when at the wedding, I wanted to dance, but I knew that he would just stand there and do nothing, so I opt not to dance at all. He kept asking me and I kept refusing. I didn't want to dance by myself, and i didn't want to leave him there being bored, so I juse sat there. He stood a few times I thought he was going to take me to dance,but he just stood there and wanted a hug ... I guess i need him to take the initiative some times, that's sort of how i feel like he's holding me back ...

I think that we might be in that rut that catemeg is talking about. I'll have to just see how our convo goes tonight. He gets off soon, and I have to run and do a few things before I see him.

Thanks again for all your help. I'll keep you all posted

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_7-years-doubting-farther?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:851186f3-c320-48c0-8fce-b0a4785650b1Post:11888169-ff03-42c8-9609-c61d3b95e419">Re: 7 years and doubting to go farther?!...</a>:
[QUOTE]You all are helping a lot! Funny we just took a trip with his parents to NY for that wedding i mentioned, and we spent more time together than interested in the wedding... I've tried many time to imagine my life with out him at all, and I know that my life has made an amazing turn after we started dating, and I wouldn't trade anything to go back to the way it was. We've had a fall out a couple years ago and<strong> I really don't know what I'd do besides go back to doing what I was before we were dating... I'd really have no purpose to do anything</strong>. I know that we both need each other to push ourselves to do things ... We have a lot of things that we like, but not many things that we do together, and I can't play the games he does for the length he does... One of the things that makes me feel like his holding me back was when at the wedding, I wanted to dance, but I knew that he would just stand there and do nothing, so I opt not to dance at all. He kept asking me and I kept refusing. I didn't want to dance by myself, and i didn't want to leave him there being bored, so I juse sat there. He stood a few times I thought he was going to take me to dance,but he just stood there and wanted a hug ... I guess i need him to take the initiative some times, that's sort of how i feel like he's holding me back ... I think that we might be in that rut that catemeg is talking about. I'll have to just see how our convo goes tonight. He gets off soon, and I have to run and do a few things before I see him. Thanks again for all your help. I'll keep you all posted :)
Posted by Tootlez[/QUOTE]

This one little phrase worries me more than anything. I'm a strong believer that people in a relationship need to be both invested in that relationship and independent of one another.
I don't think that means you should break up necessarily, but more independence from your BF could be good for you both. i.e. take up hobbies without him. Have a goal you're working towards outside of your relationship, whether it's a job or carrer, schooling, or even just a hobby.

But I think it's a good idea to talk to him about the feelings you're having for sure! GL!

catemeg

So he's holding you back by not dancing with you?  Oh boy, if I had a penny for every time I wanted to do something and boyfriend didn't (or vice versa), I'd be a very rich girl!

We're all human, and we all have things we like to do and don't like to do.  Maybe your boyfriend isn't a dancer?  It's important to find things that YOU like to do and do them simply because YOU like to do them.  I think that's what heyimbren was saying - it's important to identify and develop your own hobbies (Jeana, our mod, will likely tell you that she's encouraging her husband to find his own hobbies).  It's healthy and good to like to do different things, and to enjoy them separately!

If you like to dance, get on that dance floor, or go take a class!  Or find a friend (or the bride's grandfather) and dance with them at the wedding.  Yes, I wish my boyfriend would be able to swirl me around the dance floor like Fred Astaire, but if he won't it certainly isn't going to keep me from getting out there!  In fact, I've been trying to convince my boyfriend to take salsa lessons for months, but he's just so busy (and not as interested as I am) so I'm just going with a girl friend instead!

Tootlez

You do have to understand a little more about that particular phrase.
I used to stay at home, do everything mommy and daddy said. Went where ever my parents told me to go etc ... I hung out with my friends that lived around me, and a few that didn't, but mostly I stayed at home and did nothing but sit on the internet.
Since then I have graduated college and back living at my house with my parents until I have (or make) enough money saved to be able to afford even renting (with or with out my bf)...

Because of him, I went to a community college, and from there I decided to go to a university from where I graduated. I no longer can stand half of the things that my parents once dragged me to. Mostly I find my mother's attitude toward the past few years annoying...
I probably would end up just going back into the same routine of following my parents around like a little puppy...

catemeg

That is a red flag to me - figure out who you are separate from him as an individual.  You are not just his girlfriend, you are yourself first and foremost.  You need to have your own goals and identity before you ever get married to anyone.  You need to know that, no matter whether or not you're with your boyfriend, that you KNOW who you are and what you like.

After falling into a similar situation myself when I was yougn, my philosophy has now become that every morning, no matter what happens, I will be the person that I see in the mirror.  Thus I have to be my first priority and make sure that no matter what, I'm happy with the person I see in the mirror.

It sounds like you lost (or never had) your own identity.  Have you seen "Runaway Bride" where she always likes the type of eggs her boyfriend likes?  It's time to go out and sample some eggs and figure out what YOU like!  Stop and think what things you want to try - go take a painting class, a dancing class, a yoga class, knitting club, whatever. Find a passion or two!  It will make your relationship more dynamic because you'll have more to talk about, and it will make you happier and more satisfied in your own skin.

Congratulations on going to school and getting a good education.  It sounds like your boyfriend HAS been supportive, and that you both HAVE made each other better.  But now you just need to focus on what you need to do to find a hobby or passion that will enrich you.  One relationship was never meant to supply all our social needs.

Tootlez

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_7-years-doubting-farther?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:851186f3-c320-48c0-8fce-b0a4785650b1Post:06e12097-99d1-43e4-a749-6f6abfc604fd">Re: 7 years and doubting to go farther?!...</a>:
[QUOTE]So he's holding you back by not dancing with you?  Oh boy, if I had a penny for every time I wanted to do something and boyfriend didn't (or vice versa), I'd be a very rich girl! We're all human, and we all have things we like to do and don't like to do.  Maybe your boyfriend isn't a dancer?  It's important to find things that YOU like to do and do them simply because YOU like to do them.  I think that's what heyimbren was saying - it's important to identify and develop your own hobbies (Jeana, our mod, will likely tell you that she's encouraging her husband to find his own hobbies).  It's healthy and good to like to do different things, and to enjoy them separately! If you like to dance, get on that dance floor, or go take a class!  Or find a friend (or the bride's grandfather) and dance with them at the wedding.  Yes, I wish my boyfriend would be able to swirl me around the dance floor like Fred Astaire, but if he won't it certainly isn't going to keep me from getting out there!  In fact, I've been trying to convince my boyfriend to take salsa lessons for months, but he's just so busy (and not as interested as I am) so I'm just going with a girl friend instead!
Posted by catemeg[/QUOTE]

That's just one instance...I asked him to find things to do around the town we could do. I compiled a list and wanted to know if he found any. He didn't bother, and everything that I had on the list he dismissed...And these were things that were more fun with more than one person, so we ended up just staying at his hosue that day. I really didn't feel like doing them by myself and my friends are curently all over the place or at work
The thing is my interests lie on my computer, which sits at my house... His major interest is XBOX Live or on his current new game on the Wii ... He doesn't really have any other hobbies.

I have to leave, do some errands then he'll be off work.
Thanks every one for your help :)

heyimbren

Which is exactly why I would recommend doing more things of interest to you. I do understand what you're saying about your parents (that's an easy rut to fall into), but it seems to me that you're almost doing the same thing with your BF- you just aren't branching out. I think it's really important to do that, just like Cate emphasized after me. She's right, Jeana will say the same thing about hobbies as well.

What kinds of things are there that you feel held back from?

I guess I have two points of advice for you:

1) I think every individual needs to have a life of their own, separate from their SO. That's the biggest piece of relationship advice my grandma ever gives to anyone and she stresses it so much. She found herself separated from my grandpa after about 15 years of marriage. So I think that's something that really caught her off guard and taught her the importance of that as well. I think it's just healthy in general to do things separately sometimes. So that if anything happens that you're left without your SO, you still have something to work towards and do.

2) If you and your BF feel stuck in a boring old couple rut, try new things together as well. Obviously these should be things that you both enjoy, and the trick is to just be creative. I'm always afraid of getting too comfortable with my BF that we get stuck in a rut, so we like to go out and try different things, such as OOT day trips and we even went to a magic show once because neither of us had ever been. We LOVED it and that's easily one of our favourite dates!

It's going to involve BOTH of you stepping out of your comfort zones and trying different, new things. You may not even like most of what you try! But that's the best way to get out of a rut.

Jeneric wedding

The best advice I've been given was from a friend in college. He said "don't settle". At the time I was dating someone who I had been with for 4 years. I thought about marrying him but had doubts too. We were very in love but I was feeling very much the way you currently are. In the end it didn't work out--and that was the best thing that could have happened for me. I took the time to figure out what I want from life and now have my fiance who has all the things I loved about the last guy plus everything I was missing. I am much happier now, have no doubts, and am very thankful for what my old flame helped me to see. I completely agree with the other posts that you should think about what you want in life and take steps to make sure you accomplish those things. You can love your boyfriend and he clearly loves and is supportive of you. But I've come to realize marriage is something beyond just love. It's a way of life. If you're not going to be happy with your life together as it stands, take the time to be separate people and find out how you want life to go for YOU. It's tough; it's selfish; it's completely healthy and necessary. Plus by having your needs and wants met (or at least defined) your relationship with whomever you're meant to be with will blossom, whether it is your current boyfriend or another. So even if the talk goes well, make time for you and pursue your dreams. Don't just settle for XBOX.

catemeg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_7-years-doubting-farther?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:851186f3-c320-48c0-8fce-b0a4785650b1Post:2d9cadff-9b53-4ef5-a389-e963ffe5006c">Re: 7 years and doubting to go farther?!...</a>:
[QUOTE] But I've come to realize marriage is something beyond just love. It's a way of life.
Posted by Jeneric wedding[/QUOTE]


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Love is <strong>not </strong>enough!  If it were, we'd have far fewer divorces.  You need to both be healthy and fulfilled as individuals in order to have a healthy and fulfilled relationship!

The computer has a lot of great outlets, but some face-to-face interaction could do you good.  Seriously, if he won't join you in trying new things, do them yourself!  The best thing I ever did for our relationship happened before I ever met my boyfriend - I backpacked alone for 2 months.  Traveling by myself in different countries gave me more self confidence and independence and taught me to rely on myself.  It will make your time together more QUALITY time instead of just a large QUANTITY of time.

leia1979

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_7-years-doubting-farther?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:851186f3-c320-48c0-8fce-b0a4785650b1Post:2e6ebfca-78f9-422a-a321-2e58e7faac3c">Re: 7 years and doubting to go farther?!...</a>:
[QUOTE]You do have to understand a little more about that particular phrase. I used to stay at home, do everything mommy and daddy said. Went where ever my parents told me to go etc ... I hung out with my friends that lived around me, and a few that didn't, but mostly I stayed at home and did nothing but sit on the internet. Since then I have graduated college and back living at my house with my parents until I have (or make) enough money saved to be able to afford even renting (with or with out my bf).
Posted by Tootlez[/QUOTE]

I've been in your situation, though perhaps not as extreme. After my previous relationship ended, I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I was 28 with a decent job but lived at home and didn't do much outside work. I decided to pick up a hobby to get me out of the house. I joined a bowling league. It was lots of fun and gave me something to do with people other than my coworkers. I also ended up meeting my current BF about five months later (at bowling).

Now, don't join something to assume you'll find a new BF. Whether you stay together or not, I think you may benefit from an outside hobby where you'll gain some additional friends.

I did end up leaving my longest relationship because I felt like that person wasn't going anywhere in life. It was a tough decision, but I believe it was for the best. (It even gave him the kick in the butt he needed to get moving.)

Good luck to you and keep us posted.

P.S. Cate - The Pina Colada song is by the great Rupert Holmes.  =)

bourgehm

I agree with most everything everyone else is saying.

I think it is normal to have some doubts and such at times. It's good to just double check you're both on the same page about things. My FI and I are both different in this department as well. I am the type of person who loves to be outside or doing different things other than sitting at home. FI enjoys just relaxing. Although it sometimes does bother me (because I usually just want to do things constantly) it is good for me to calm down sometims and just relax. I think it isn't so much an issue that he enjoys sititng at home as it is that you do not seem to really be accepting of that fact. Maybe try taking turns picking what to do. FI and I went to counseling (premarriage counseling) and our counselor told us to pick a night each week that is 'date night'. Ours is Sundays. So, every Sunday we take turns planning something to do away from the house. This helps us a lot because this way we get to go out and do things (and every other week he plans it which is great too). IT's just helpful for me to know that at least one day a week we'll be doing something just the two of us away from the house. It's really important to compromise with this I think.

redheadfsu

You said you have things that you want to do. Go do them by yourself. In your posts I hear that others are holding you back (parents or your BF).

Guess who is really holding you back, you. You control your own life. After you are enjoying your life, than figure out if your BF belongs. Fix yourself first, then figure out your relationship.

You might be surprised that if you go out by yourself, your BF might follow or your time together might be more special. Stop talking or worse nagging & start doing.

StinaPie14

I pretty much agree with everyone else on here. BF and I have been together for 8 years now. We started dating in high school as you and your BF did. We've gone through this rut, and I have to say that talking about it does help a lot. You may come to find out that he is having some of the same feelings. Like PPs said, it is very important to each have your own hobbies as well as things that you do together. Try something you've been wanting to do! Maybe with you talking about it, BF will want to join you. It could turn into something that you two do together! GL and keep us updated!

Tootlez

I talked a little with him last night as I said, but some how when i'm with him half of the words never end up coming out the way that I'm wanting them to.
I tried asking him what else he liked to do besides watch movies, play his xbox and be with me; he said that that is pretty much all he likes to do.

Our friends ended up contacting us last night before we could sit down and talk more seriously. We hadn't seen our friends in a long long time so we went for the outting. And on the way to and from we chatted  a little about this. But like i said I never really got to say everything i wanted to...

I think you all are right... I really should find something else to do besides go see him at every whim. I'm wanting to go start back on a few things that I've stopped doing in the past couple of years. And i'll probably have to do most of them myself since he'll probably either be at work or sitting at the xbox.

I'm running over to his house after work tonight and am bringing a print out of this blog for back up. I sincerely hope that I actually get to finish what I set out to talk to him about.

Thanks all for your help