Am I a bad sister?

paintgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-bad-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:85173f40-25ad-45ed-9ca9-b8118ee1c1c1Post:06e89428-cae3-4155-b663-1e9b85943d26">Re: Am I a bad sister?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I a bad sister? : Do you have a problem with plumbers? My BF is in construction, and some times does plumbing.  Huh?  You wanna roll, Chica?  I can take you. I'm kidding.  (About being angry.  He really does some plumbing.)
Posted by Wrkn925[/QUOTE]
 
Well it depends wrkn - did he become a plumber because he had a few brushes with the law? :) I'd never mess with a Kentucky chick!

msjenna519

In Response to <a rel="nofollow" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-bad-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:85173f40-25ad-45ed-9ca9-b8118ee1c1c1Post:75c3c7d7-f063-4a7e-920e-8a26c38db8df">Am I a bad sister?</a>:
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jemmini6

msjenna- I understand taking things about the military very seriously, but you seem to be completely taking Cate's post out of context to an extent.  There are a multitude of reasons why people join the military and she merely listed a few of them, so seriously, lighten up a little. 

FWIW, FI was enlisted in the Air Force, did his 4 years in a career path that translated well into civilian life and now makes 3 times more money than I do, he doesn't have a 4 year degree, but I do and I still don't even compare.  Not to mention that he was able to buy a house using VA financing at the age of 25 and got his AA degree using the GI bill, so obviously the military is very respectable, but I think the point Cate was trying to make is that people get out of it what they put in...

To answer your OP Blue & White- I think it helps knowing a little bit of the background, not just for military, but with anyone.  When my sister first started dating her exH, he was really into cars, and then of course...she got into cars.  It seemed all she talked about was cars and her BF (at the time) and it was really difficult to relate. When her BF would hang out, I'd try to pay attention a little bit to what he was saying about cars so that I could use that common thread to talk to my sister.  I would say something like "yeah...that's a totally sweet '67 Mustang...do you want to go see (insert chick flick of the time here)?"  I think it's natural to feel like you are 'losing' your sister, especially when you were really close, and now all of a sudden she is spending less time with you, and more time with her BF.  I don't suggest always changing the subject, but it helps a few times to let her know that you still want to have time with her like you used to.  In exchange though, you have to make an effort to get to know her BF on a personal level, not just in regards to the Marines....

calindi

Geez... this is what happens when I go to sleep?

First, Jenna, I never said I disrespect enlisted men.  I have every respect for them, as for anyone in uniform, because what they do is HARD, and they're doing it for all of us (well, us Americans anyway!). And Infantry Officers have an equally hard job, because those are the ones in the trenches with the grunts.  The reason I said I wouldn't want to be an enlisted spouse is because typically the career is deployment after deployment, you end up being a single parent most of the time, and the injury and mortality rates are through the roof.  This isn't true for other branches as much, but in the Marines, the enlisted have THE HIGHEST casualty rate among any other branch or group (on the same level as SEALS).  I'm in touch with the family of a 21 year old who got married on Valentines Day last year, and was deployed in March, and was blown up in May - he is still alive but lost all his limbs.  What kind of future is that for his young bride? I admire her strength, but it cannot be even remotely easy.

As far as calling Enlisted Marines stupid, that is so far from the truth.  I first asked the college part because it's usually an easy marker for someone who is unfamiliar with the military as to whether they are LIKELY Enlisted or Officer.  They cannot be an Officer without a college degree, so that is an eliminating factor.  I know several Enlisted Marines with college degrees, but it so happens that MOST of them joined before they finished college.  That's not being judgemental - it's simplifying the situation to try to talk to someone who isn't as informed about the process.

The part where I said 'brushes with the law' was listed under the misconceptions I had before getting to know the military better - which is how I was trying to explain to Blue&White that I understand the negative stereotype, but that there is more to it.  I've met Marines who couldn't pass the SAT, but are excellent soldiers - so yes, some of them aren't college material.  And yes, some are VERY smart and using it as a way to go to college.  I didn't mean to imply (though I see it sounds that way) that everyone has to go to college.  I was using it as a constrasting statement between the two examples, not an inclusive statement of everyone in uniform.  And what jemmini said is also true - some people are career military, and some people use it to get ahead in a civilian career after doing their time.  Both are admirable things - you're still serving your country.  All I said was that I wouldn't want to be married to an Enlisted Marine, so I hoped that her sister's boyfriend planned to transition into civilian life (and the GI Bill is an amazing opportunity, so I don't see what's so wrong about encouraging people to take advantage of it).  So you take that how you will.  I believe I'm entitled to that opinion.  I didn't say, "It's horrible to be married to a Marine!" I said it was tough, IN MY OPINION.

And you know absolutely nothing about my BF's career path, so save your own judgements - we have talked to several Marine JAGs who have all said that deployment is voluntary (but they're Marines, so they volunteer - it's part of the OohRah culture, and I'm ridiculously proud of him for that).  Most of them are 40-years old and have deployed once or twice, with one guy having deployed 4 times but he was single and loved it.  Compared to Grunts who deploy 4 times in 3 years, that's a big difference. The JAG career is tied to a base for the most part, so he won't often be wading through the sand with an M16.  Will he be trained to do so?  Absolutely.  Will it be the main part of his job?  Nope.  You know whose it is?  Enlisted Marines and Infantry Officers.  When BF joined the service, I really stopped and thought about whether this was a lifestyle I could sign up for.  I think it's important to stop and assess, especially with such a big decision that will affect both of our lives and careers.  And after speaking with many Marines and spouses, I came to the understanding that I could handle it as a JAG Officer, but if he had been Enlisted, I'm not sure I would have come to that same conclusion.  I love him to pieces, but that's not a lifestyle I want for myself.  I'm personally not strong enough - I admire the women who can hold it together and keep a healthy relationship and family.  The divorce rates for Enlisted are nearly twice as high as Officer (though some of this likely has to do with age).

Now, to wrap up another SUPER LONG WINDED response (sorry, all, but I feel it was justified here, and I promise I tried to use paragraphs!), this whole thing was blown out of proportion.  I was speaking to Blue&White in regards to a personal issue and was trying to offer HER advice on HER situation, using examples and experience from MY life.  I by no means claim to be an expert - in fact, I offer several times to talk to actual Marines or to refer her to other Marine significant others if she needs more advice.  So I'm sorry you got your panties in a twist, but THAT is not a way to be a military spouse, either, sweetpea.  Grow some thicker skin, because what I said about Enlisted Marines is not nearly as bad as what some people think.  Have you had someone throw their soda on you and your guy and shout "Baby killer" at the grocery store because he's wearing a t-shirt that has a Marine insignia and a high-and-tight haircut?  No?  It isn't fun.

jeanacorina

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-bad-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:85173f40-25ad-45ed-9ca9-b8118ee1c1c1Post:bf6fec73-c5c1-4f04-8913-2d9c30f1ff3a">Re: Am I a bad sister?</a>:
[QUOTE]because what they do is HARD, and they're doing it for all of us (well, us Americans anyway!).
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

I would argue that what they do is for more than just Americans. But that's a whole other discussion.

Cate, I totally didn't read your whole novel there, but you're really rubbing me the wrong way with this. Jenna apologized for being inaccurate in her quote. I thought maybe you'd be a big girl and just say "My bad, I wasn't clear" but instead you come back with a huge post about how awesome you are and how you've had soda thrown at you.

We get it. You're the resident military significant other on this board. Yay you. But I'm with Paint- sometimes it's okay NOT to know EVERYTHING.

OP, I'm sorry your thread got jacked. I think your sister's actions have less to do with the military and more to do with being far from family and trying to figure out how to do both. Just be supportive, continue reaching out to her, and remember it's okay not to talk for a while, too. Just because you don't speak to her for a week doesn't mean she wasn't thinking about you. I may not speak to my closest family member (my cousin) for a month, but we pick up the phone and it's like no time has gone by at all.

It's just a period of adjustment. You guys will be fine. She's an adult, just be supportive of her decisions even if they worry you. Sure, you can say you're worried, but make sure you do so in a non-confrontational way. You don't want to give the impression that you disapprove and are unwilling to understand. Best of luck.

calindi

Ya know what Jeana, I take offense to the fact that she says I give military significant others a bad name, and the fact that she (and you and Paint) completely took things out of context to criticize.  And you know what else?  I stand by every single thing I said.  It may have read wrong to someone who is reading it with the intent to find judgement, but after re-reading it all, I think it's fair.  I never ONCE said "this is how it is" or criticized anyone - I said several times that "I think" or "to the best of my knowledge" or "my understanding is"... that leaves plenty of room for error.  Blue&White asked for advice on the military, and expressed that she judged her sister's BF for being in the Marines, so I was trying to relate and give her my perspective.  If jenna wanted to join the conversation with her perspective as someone in the military, that'd be great.  Instead, she decides to take my advice as a personal attack because she happens to be a college graduate who is Enlisted.  I was just talking to my friend who is a recruiter - he says less than 5% of Enlisted Marines have college degrees when they originally enlist.  So it's not exactly a stretch to ask Blue&White if her sister's BF has a college degree.

I appreciate all you girls who read the post the way it was intended and replied as such - thank you!  If anyone wants to read my posts as stuck up and judgemental, then I can't stop them from having that opinion.

PaigeMcC

I couldn't read all of these posts...you people and your damn novels.  Then there was something about the military...and some bashing...and some other bull...anyways too much to read through.  Back to the question at hand:  

Blue I don't think you're being a horrible sister.  You're concerned about your relationship with your sister and you're concerned with how her new BF is impacting that.  I think that's normal.  As we get older our relationships with people change - she seems like she's coming into her own sense of herself and her new relationship.  Just continue to be there for her, continue to communicate and be supportive.  Good luck, darlin'.

msjenna519

paintgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-bad-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:85173f40-25ad-45ed-9ca9-b8118ee1c1c1Post:bf6fec73-c5c1-4f04-8913-2d9c30f1ff3a">Re: Am I a bad sister?</a>:
[QUOTE]Geez... this is what happens when I go to sleep? First, Jenna, I never said I disrespect enlisted men.  I have every respect for them, as for anyone in uniform, because what they do is HARD, and they're doing it for all of us (well, us Americans anyway!). And Infantry Officers have an equally hard job, because those are the ones in the trenches with the grunts.  The reason I said I wouldn't want to be an enlisted spouse is because typically the career is deployment after deployment, you end up being a single parent most of the time, and the injury and mortality rates are through the roof.  This isn't true for other branches as much, but in the Marines, the enlisted have THE HIGHEST casualty rate among any other branch or group (on the same level as SEALS).  I'm in touch with the family of a 21 year old who got married on Valentines Day last year, and was deployed in March, and was blown up in May - he is still alive but lost all his limbs.  What kind of future is that for his young bride? I admire her strength, but it cannot be even remotely easy. As far as calling Enlisted Marines stupid, that is so far from the truth.  I first asked the college part because it's usually an easy marker for someone who is unfamiliar with the military as to whether they are LIKELY Enlisted or Officer.  They cannot be an Officer without a college degree, so that is an eliminating factor.  I know several Enlisted Marines with college degrees, but it so happens that MOST of them joined before they finished college.  That's not being judgemental - it's simplifying the situation to try to talk to someone who isn't as informed about the process. The part where I said 'brushes with the law' was listed under the misconceptions I had before getting to know the military better - which is how I was trying to explain to Blue&White that I understand the negative stereotype, but that there is more to it.  I've met Marines who couldn't pass the SAT, but are excellent soldiers - so yes, some of them aren't college material.  And yes, some are VERY smart and using it as a way to go to college.  I didn't mean to imply (though I see it sounds that way) that everyone has to go to college.  I was using it as a constrasting statement between the two examples, not an inclusive statement of everyone in uniform.  And what jemmini said is also true - some people are career military, and some people use it to get ahead in a civilian career after doing their time.  Both are admirable things - you're still serving your country.  All I said was that I wouldn't want to be married to an Enlisted Marine, so I hoped that her sister's boyfriend planned to transition into civilian life (and the GI Bill is an amazing opportunity, so I don't see what's so wrong about encouraging people to take advantage of it).  So you take that how you will.  I believe I'm entitled to that opinion.  I didn't say, "It's horrible to be married to a Marine!" I said it was tough, IN MY OPINION. And you know absolutely nothing about my BF's career path, so save your own judgements - we have talked to several Marine JAGs who have all said that deployment is voluntary (but they're Marines, so they volunteer - it's part of the OohRah culture, and I'm ridiculously proud of him for that).  Most of them are 40-years old and have deployed once or twice, with one guy having deployed 4 times but he was single and loved it.  Compared to Grunts who deploy 4 times in 3 years, that's a big difference. The JAG career is tied to a base for the most part, so he won't often be wading through the sand with an M16.  Will he be trained to do so?  Absolutely.  Will it be the main part of his job?  Nope.  You know whose it is?  Enlisted Marines and Infantry Officers.  When BF joined the service, I really stopped and thought about whether this was a lifestyle I could sign up for.  I think it's important to stop and assess, especially with such a big decision that will affect both of our lives and careers.  And after speaking with many Marines and spouses, I came to the understanding that I could handle it as a JAG Officer, but if he had been Enlisted, I'm not sure I would have come to that same conclusion.  I love him to pieces, but that's not a lifestyle I want for myself.  I'm personally not strong enough - I admire the women who can hold it together and keep a healthy relationship and family.  The divorce rates for Enlisted are nearly twice as high as Officer (though some of this likely has to do with age). Now, to wrap up another SUPER LONG WINDED response (sorry, all, but I feel it was justified here, and I promise I tried to use paragraphs!), this whole thing was blown out of proportion.  I was speaking to Blue&White in regards to a personal issue and was trying to offer HER advice on HER situation, using examples and experience from MY life.  I by no means claim to be an expert - in fact, I offer several times to talk to actual Marines or to refer her to other Marine significant others if she needs more advice.  So I'm sorry you got your panties in a twist, but THAT is not a way to be a military spouse, either, sweetpea.  Grow some thicker skin, because what I said about Enlisted Marines is not nearly as bad as what some people think.  Have you had someone throw their soda on you and your guy and shout "Baby killer" at the grocery store because he's wearing a t-shirt that has a Marine insignia and a high-and-tight haircut?  No?  It isn't fun.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

Blah blah blah blah blah.... really - just stop.

jeanacorina

I'm not saying you were wrong in the things you said, I am saying you DID offend someone, and she's not the only one who can see why. I am giving you some criticism on your tone and how you read to other people.

If you don't care that some folks (not just one or two) read you as a stuck-up know it all, then I guess okay. Personally, I like to own up when someone misunderstands me, apologize, and clarify. Instead, you went off on these enormous posts defending yourself.

You don't have to defend yourself. You don't have to know everything. You don't have to be perfect every time. Once in a while, it's okay to say "My bad, I don't think I was clear on what I meant to say."

Just a suggestion from having been reading your posts for.... how long now? Ages, I guess. It's my opinion. I guess you don't want it, and that's okay. My bad.

oceana919

Narwhal

tl;dr

SamiJoeB

Holy Cow! This got ridiculous quick.
In response to the original post, You are not being a horrible sister, but if my sister got on a board and said she didn't particularly like the guy, well that would clue me in that if she has no problem bad mouthing my man to perfect strangers then I can only imagine what she's saying to my family behind my back. Is her not talking to the family for a week a huge deal? I don't talk to my sister for weeks at a time, because she's busy living her life, and I'm busying living mine. My advice to you, would be to maybe spend some time on the Military Brides Board, as I'm sure that those women who ACTUALLY LIVE the Reality of Military relationships on a daily basis would have more knowledge and sound advice than those girls who are "Not engaged yet", because again, IMO these girls are not only catty, but they coddled you and told you you're not being a bad sister and they blamed your sister. At least thats how I saw it.

Now, As an Enlisted Marine wife, I took no offense to ANYTHING Cate said. I myself am prior service (enlisted Navy) and Cate is not wrong about MOST enlisted NOT having degrees. You guys totally ganged up on Cate for actually trying to help, while not offering very good advice IMO. Enlisted DO deploy more than Officers, Enlisted mostly do not have college degrees when they enlist. The Marine Corps especially is such a small community, it's the smallest of all the branches of service (according to todaysmilitary.com). We stick up for each other, especially Marine Wives. You ladies... girls rather because the way ya'll act is not ladylike in the least, need to stop being so catty. Cate was offering her opinion, she offered to get more answers for Blue&White, and she does not deserve to be called names, or have things inferred about her. She is not "that" military spouse, but if any of you are military spouses, my guess is that You are "That Wife".

jeanacorina

Are you calling me "catty?"

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-bad-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:85173f40-25ad-45ed-9ca9-b8118ee1c1c1Post:4604acd7-98ef-4506-a3d9-fcb265ad6ee2">Re: Am I a bad sister?</a>:
[QUOTE]Are you calling me "catty?"
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

<div>Don't eff with Etcetera, iz seris bizness.</div>

SamiJoeB

Grow Up.

heyimbren

Oh, Jeana you are funny I love that picture.

Are you still painting?

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-bad-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:85173f40-25ad-45ed-9ca9-b8118ee1c1c1Post:57bf9bb5-614d-4b0f-b3ec-4fda56717e8b">Re: Am I a bad sister?</a>:
[QUOTE]Grow Up.
Posted by SamiJoeB[/QUOTE]

<div>As soon as you get a sense of humour, sweetie :)</div>

jeanacorina

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-bad-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:85173f40-25ad-45ed-9ca9-b8118ee1c1c1Post:57bf9bb5-614d-4b0f-b3ec-4fda56717e8b">Re: Am I a bad sister?</a>:
[QUOTE]Grow Up.
Posted by SamiJoeB[/QUOTE]

NO! YOU GROW UP, DOO-DOO HEAD!

Grown ups have to pay taxes and have jobs and buy groceries. Yuck!


Bren- I am not painting right now, I'm taking a Digital Art class, though. It's a lot of fun! I was learning Adobe Illustrator and made a Trogdor-like picture (google it if you don't know lol). It's epic. I'll probably paint again over the summer when I have more time. I still have all my supplies. Thanks for remembering, that's sweet! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

heyimbren

Ah, digital art is so much fun! I was lurking/starting to post and I kept seeing you post about your paintings so I was curious

motoLyn

Sammi, Blue & White came here to ask a opinion question to people that she felt comfortable asking.  Sure it is only one side of the story, because who knows what B&W's sister feels or is doing.  I think Cate advised her to go to the MB board, but that she might get ripped to shreds over there.  I don't remember exactly.  Either way, some of the PP gave B&W some excellent advice on just having a talk with her sister and seeing what's up.  Now the disagreement started with one poster who was enlisted taking offense to something Cate said.  She later on agreed that she over reacted and apologized.  I know you're here to defend Cate, that's fine.  But like all boards there is a feeling of close knit.  Surely coming on here and spouting isn't going to get you any closer to having any of these LADIES and yes I mean ladies and not  girls to take you seriously of have any one apologize to Cate. 

I was in a LTR with a Marine for close to 4 years, have two friends going through OCS and one friend who is a former Sgt. in the Marines.  And to a certain extent I agree that some of the things that Cate wrote rubbed me the wrong way.  But in the end I knew what she meant to say.  So please take a moment to recollect your thoughts, come back and post in  the manner that I can at least read it without throwing my hands in the air and labeling your post as more fuel to the fire.  Thank you and have an awesome weekend.

BLUE & WHITE: I want to say that I agreed with the PP about having a moment to talk to your sister.  I know that sometimes I can go MIA for a week or two just because life gets a bit crazy and time flies by before I realize that its been X amount of time since I last talked to my family. 

paintgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-bad-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:85173f40-25ad-45ed-9ca9-b8118ee1c1c1Post:57bf9bb5-614d-4b0f-b3ec-4fda56717e8b">Re: Am I a bad sister?</a>:
[QUOTE]Grow Up.
Posted by SamiJoeB[/QUOTE]

Wait a sec - who are you and why do we care? We don't always agree here. Get over it.