Not Engaged Yet

So.... Anyone else have this happen?

So a little back round info. My bf and I have been together for just under 2 years (in may) and we dated a few months before I committed and then after committing I moved in 3 months later. The relationship is good. We get along great, we truly are best friends as well as lovers. We live in canada.

So we are on vacation last week, hanging out in the ocean and he turns to me and says "So its not matter of "if" we get married, its a matter of when its going to happen. I think you really should consider a destination wedding" So... after a bit of bantering back and forth, we decided to do a semi (in the usa not down south like mexico) destination wedding. So we came to middle ground of doing it in vegas(not elope) or san diego. These two spots are very dear to us for different reasons. So last night he says, lets start looking at options for a venue to get married and prices and perhaps start planning stuff out. I just looked at him and said "uh... ok sure but we aren't engaged yet, in fact you never even asked me if I wanted to marry you" his response "Ill ask before the invites go out, no rush" I just looked at him. I didn't know if I should be offended or what...

So... anyone else have this happen? Should I take it heart or with a grain of salt? Should I keep looking at wedding stuff or just wait.... A little insight would be great.  *sigh* I'm a little bummed that he would ruin a surprise (like asking the question) with wanting to get a pre planning in on our wedding....
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Re: So.... Anyone else have this happen?

  • Well, your BF is crazy.  I would tell him that if he feels comforable planning a event like a wedding without actally proposing, then you are going to go out a buy a bunch of baby stuff and set up a nursery withot being pregnant. Both sound equally insane. 

    If he wants to marry you first he has to ask, then you plan a wedding. 



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  • H (then BF) once told me to apply for a contest for a free wedding at the Botanical Gardens...the application asked for your proposal story...he hadn't proposed yet.  He was mostly joking, of course, but there was probably a little seriousness in there too.

    Sometimes guys get ahead of themselves too.  Just let him know that you are happy he's excited about it, but that you don't want to look at any venues (or other WR stuff) until you are actually engaged....and then stick to it. 
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Tell him you aren't going to plan a wedding without being engaged first.


  • Thats what I thought! He seems to think it is perfectly logical....  talking about a May wedding and asking about honeymoon stuff. Both my close gfs said "What a sh!t head, drop the wedding stuff till he proposes". I think when he asks me stuff now about the wedding im not going to help out and make him do the foot work if he wants to know anything.

    As for the baby stuff that would really freak him out cause I cant have kids.... Sorry not that I cant but its "highly unlikely" it will happen according to my drs and I don't want kids. So yeah... lol however that would be brilliant if I could and wanted them.
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  • Yeah, I think a lot of guys do that.  They want to get married and are excited about wedding planning (even though they don't want us to know that lol) but they're stressed about the proposal, so they kind of skip it.

    Just tell him that you're happy he's ready to start planning and you're eager to, as well, but that you're not comfortable nailing things down without being engaged.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-else-this-happen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:89bc6ef9-a57a-4549-a4f1-39316d01c7f0Post:dec001c1-d5b0-4299-83c7-69d09f0013c6">Re: So.... Anyone else have this happen?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah, I think a lot of guys do that.  They want to get married and are excited about wedding planning (even though they don't want us to know that lol) but they're stressed about the proposal, so they kind of skip it. Just tell him that you're happy he's ready to start planning and you're eager to, as well, but that you're not comfortable nailing things down without being engaged.
    Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

    I think Elle nailed it. It sounds like (to me) that you're both very comfortable in your relationship and know where it's headed- and because of this, he may not see a proposal as a big deal or even "necessary". And for some people, they don't need a formal proposal but others do. If it matters to you that you have a formal one, then explain that to him. And explain that it's an important aspect of it to you, and that you'd love to get involved with the specifics after that has happened.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-else-this-happen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:89bc6ef9-a57a-4549-a4f1-39316d01c7f0Post:24759f43-0af6-4f11-873a-b555aba11371">Re: So.... Anyone else have this happen?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thats what I thought! He seems to think it is perfectly logical....  talking about a May wedding and asking about honeymoon stuff. Both my close gfs said "What a sh!t head, drop the wedding stuff till he proposes". <strong>I think when he asks me stuff now about the wedding im not going to help out and make him do the foot work if he wants to know anything. </strong>As for the baby stuff that would really freak him out cause I cant have kids.... Sorry not that I cant but its "highly unlikely" it will happen according to my drs and I don't want kids. So yeah... lol however that would be brilliant if I could and wanted them.
    Posted by KikiMira[/QUOTE]

    I don't think this is a good idea, don't play games... it's immature. Just tell him straight up how you feel, which should be that neither one of you are going to plan a wedding until you are engaged. No budging.
    image
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-else-this-happen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:89bc6ef9-a57a-4549-a4f1-39316d01c7f0Post:dec001c1-d5b0-4299-83c7-69d09f0013c6">Re: So.... Anyone else have this happen?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Yeah, I think a lot of guys do that.  They want to get married and are excited about wedding planning (even though they don't want us to know that lol) but they're stressed about the proposal, so they kind of skip it</strong>. Just tell him that you're happy he's ready to start planning and you're eager to, as well, but that you're not comfortable nailing things down without being engaged.
    Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

    This. My FI did it too. Just sit him down and explain to him that you want to make things official before you start planning.
    5/27/12
    image
  • I would say, "Sorry BF, but you're not going to rob me of an engagement.  I'm not planning a wedding until you propose.  You don't want to propose?  I guess we're not planning a wedding then."  And repeat as necessary.

    Jeez...should you start planning your funerals too, since it's "When" not "If"?
  • What they said. Way to admit it's BSC!! We need more of that around here.
    www.nurseyk.weebly.com
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-else-this-happen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:89bc6ef9-a57a-4549-a4f1-39316d01c7f0Post:c1c0e168-0908-4855-a07c-2e74b4a014bd">Re: So.... Anyone else have this happen?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: So.... Anyone else have this happen? : I don't think this is a good idea, don't play games... it's immature. Just tell him straight up how you feel, which should be that neither one of you are going to plan a wedding until you are engaged. No budging.
    Posted by mymissingpuzzlepiece[/QUOTE]


    This!  Having open lines of communication will <em>always</em> be better than trying to be passive agressive.  If he mentions it again, simply say "We aren't engaged yet, so I'm really not comfortable doing anything regarding a wedding.  Having a 'real' (fill in what's real to you) engagment is important to me, so please don't bring up wedding stuff anymore until we are actually engaged."
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-else-this-happen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:89bc6ef9-a57a-4549-a4f1-39316d01c7f0Post:97e72dbc-4c3e-4380-8001-e8edf7f0b2ac">Re: So.... Anyone else have this happen?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well, your BF is crazy.  I would tell him that if he feels comforable planning a event like a wedding without actally proposing, then you are going to go out a buy a bunch of baby stuff and set up a nursery withot being pregnant. Both sound equally insane.  If he wants to marry you first he has to ask, then you plan a wedding. 
    Posted by lennonkdc[/QUOTE]

    <div>Agreed. And kudos to you for not falling into the usual pit that girls do the moment their boyfriends drop the "M" word. You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders, from what I can tell.</div><div>
    </div><div>And to tell you that he'll ask you "before the invitations go out"? Umm, I'm getting married in less than three months, and I probably should have already had mine in the mail (bought them today), so does he think you're going to be engaged for three months and then get married?</div>
  • A friend of mine's BF bought her tickets to the Wonderful Wedding Show last year. She refused to go, because they weren't engaged and she's not BSC and thinks people who put the cart before the horse. Apparently he was planning on proposing there. And that actually happened this year, where chick went to wonderful wedding show without being engaged and was proposed to at said wonderful wedding sow. (Thank you local city paper for publishing that story and making BSCness seem okay). BF and I have talked about the big picture in terms of a wedding, but there has been no planning. Some leafing through free bridal magazines that are given out at my favourite jeweller but not much more than that. He flat out told me that going to the Wonderful Wedding show if you weren't engaged is stupid. So I think I know his opinion on pre-planning.

    I vote you should tell your BF that until you're engaged (and you don't need a ring to be engaged) that neither of you should start planning a wedding.
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  • Yeah I won't be playing games, I will tell him when it comes up again. I could see guys getting caught up in it and maybe avoiding the nerve wreaking proposal. The "m" word got me screwed over with my ex of 7 yrs before this on. The "m" word doesn't phase me at all anymore. Now considering he wants to get married may 2014 or 2015, let's see how long it takes him to ask....
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  • What's BSC stand for?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-else-this-happen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:89bc6ef9-a57a-4549-a4f1-39316d01c7f0Post:940ca9bd-b12f-467d-b0b7-d446d37da2ea">Re: So.... Anyone else have this happen?</a>:
    [QUOTE]What's BSC stand for?
    Posted by KikiMira[/QUOTE]
    Bat Shite Crazy. And hello fellow Canadian. Which province are you from?
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  • Lol ok, I got babysitters club from it... Lol Oh hello! I'm in Alberta, yourself?
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