garter tradition

MLekathLEEN

I'm full of WINS today.

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_garter-tradition?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:94da7eaf-2679-4fb5-a21e-1b9bd2675e8cPost:4ba88be7-c068-4566-ad2c-a28052a9723a">Re: garter tradition</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: garter tradition : i only worried about it because FI brought it up.  we were discussing cultural traditions because apparently his mom is worried that it will be too "american" and not "mexican" enough.  the proposal itself didn't follow their cultural traditions and she is really giving him a hard time about being too "american".  traditions such as unity candle, garter/bouquet toss, cutting of the cake, etc. came up because we are trying to incorporate and honor both cultures.  i only asked because i was curious how other people felt about this tradition.  i haven't heard it discussed much and i thought it could be interesting.  didn't quite turn out the way i expected, but that's typical of life. and you're right, the actions are what make it trashy.  however, his family typically is a little more "okay" with being outwardly sexual than what i am comfortable with.  also, without being stereotypical, FI himself has told me that male/female gender roles in the family are more entrenched than typical "white" culture.  their men view their women as property more often than in our culture.  this isn't to say that every hispanic male is like that of course, but he has warned me that his family and friends will view our relationship and marriage differently. i'm not planning on jumping out and planning a multicultural wedding this week desert.  :)  i think of things and if i find it interesting or if i feel i don't know a whole lot about it, i'll ask what other people think.  it's only conversation.  the only thing we have planned is that our pastor will officiate the marriage at our local church on july 16, 2011.  we don't even have a time of day, guest list, photographer, or COLORS for this wedding.  i have a full-time job, plus i teach music and tutor in the evenings, plus i work as a financial secretary for our church 3 nights a week.  there is no way, even if i am as BSC as you think i am, that i could plan this wedding that quickly. so i guess i'm BSC and i apologize for that.  i have thoughts, realize that i don't know much about it, and i thought this would be an appropriate place to find viewpoints that are similar and different from mine.  i apologize if i've been too "BSC".  i viewed it as merely curious.  obviously not.
Posted by lindsayrae1986[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>There is absolutely no need to apologize! You are of course allowed to start threads here when you have a passing thought about something wedding related, and you think, Hmmm, what do other supercool ladies think about this? :)</div><div>
</div><div>Do your wedding planning however you want.</div><div>
</div><div>I just wanted to put it out there, out of concern that you're a little into it at this point, that you might need to step back for a week or two and allow yourself to focus on just you and your FI. Enjoy being engaged. Enjoy each other. </div><div>
</div><div>I think taking time out together from time to time helps you stay connected and focused on the WHY of your wedding instead of all the WHAT. </div><div>
</div><div>In my experience, people who get too wrapped up in details just don't enjoy their engagement as much as those who are more laid back and who maintain their focus on WHY they're doing all the wedding stuff: to publicly announce their love and commitment to spend their lives together. NOT to throw a party to impress a lot of people who love you and don't need to be impressed.</div><div>
</div><div>I for one didn't really think about the garter stuff until about 3 weeks before my wedding, and I really enjoyed the planning as well as the actual wedding day.</div><div>
</div><div>But I do realize we're all different, and you may NEED to get some things ironed out now so that you can relax later.</div><div>
</div><div>Just keep in mind that all of this stuff is supposed to be HAPPY and FUN, okay? Don't stress. That's all. :)

</div>

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_garter-tradition?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:94da7eaf-2679-4fb5-a21e-1b9bd2675e8cPost:4084a640-d2ae-4848-b47e-e4ba0cc0b562">Re: garter tradition</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm full of WINS today.
Posted by MLekathLEEN[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Every day, M. Every day. ;)

</div>

hetshup

Hey Linds,

Since his mother is concerned, ask her what traditions she would like to see/hate to see. This should open the lines of communication between you three. Maybe she has a specific prayer or something that is really important to her, who knows. The point is, ask her! A tradition for tradition sake is silly, esp if it means nothing to you. If you don't want the garter toss, don't do one. Like Desert said, don't get caught up in the details, enjoy your time.


To all the people crying that I called them obnoxious, you are. Suck it up buttercups, this board isn't kinder recently, it's just less blunt. It's like letting someone walk around with spinach in their teeth, just tell them.

lindsayrae1986

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_garter-tradition?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:94da7eaf-2679-4fb5-a21e-1b9bd2675e8cPost:56719e09-18c7-429f-8d87-3000b27066fd">Re: garter tradition</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: garter tradition : There is absolutely no need to apologize! You are of course allowed to start threads here when you have a passing thought about something wedding related, and you think, Hmmm, what do other supercool ladies think about this? :) Do your wedding planning however you want. I just wanted to put it out there, out of concern that you're a little into it at this point, that you might need to step back for a week or two and allow yourself to focus on just you and your FI. Enjoy being engaged. Enjoy each other.  I think taking time out together from time to time helps you stay connected and focused on the WHY of your wedding instead of all the WHAT.  In my experience, people who get too wrapped up in details just don't enjoy their engagement as much as those who are more laid back and who maintain their focus on WHY they're doing all the wedding stuff: to publicly announce their love and commitment to spend their lives together. NOT to throw a party to impress a lot of people who love you and don't need to be impressed. I for one didn't really think about the garter stuff until about 3 weeks before my wedding, and I really enjoyed the planning as well as the actual wedding day. But I do realize we're all different, and you may NEED to get some things ironed out now so that you can relax later. Just keep in mind that all of this stuff is supposed to be HAPPY and FUN, okay? Don't stress. That's all. :)
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

thanks for the tips.  definitely appreciate it as i have a lot going on right now and i'm still trying to figure out a good balance.

unfortunately, due to the whole FMIL being a little crazy about the wedding not being too "American" and my OWN mom being a little wedding-crazy, a lot of topics come up that i never would have thought about.  i'm really not looking forward to planning a wedding at all.  i really don't think we'll start any planning, except maybe a photographer, until after the first of the year.

i will admit full-fledged BSC concerning house hunting.  in fact, FI and i will give our first offer early next week.  we're in the middle of market analysis and fun stuff like that right now.  i'm way too over-excited about it and probably need someone to rein me in.

i'll try not to post any WR topics for a while seeing as they turn into full-fledged fights.  maybe a different group or a different forum would be a better place to ask those kinds of questions.  however, you may be seeing a lot of "house" and "cooking" topics instead.  they are my 2 top loves right now, except for my puppy and FI of course!

again desert, thank you for the polite response.  i'm very appreciative that we can settle miscommunications and disagreements without name-calling or getting overly emotional about it.  :)  i value your honesty!

lindsayrae1986

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_garter-tradition?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:94da7eaf-2679-4fb5-a21e-1b9bd2675e8cPost:5250af62-57e3-42c4-9bd3-2f9abf5c6bcc">Re: garter tradition</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey Linds, Since his mother is concerned, ask her what traditions she would like to see/hate to see. This should open the lines of communication between you three. Maybe she has a specific prayer or something that is really important to her, who knows. The point is, ask her! A tradition for tradition sake is silly, esp if it means nothing to you. If you don't want the garter toss, don't do one. Like Desert said, don't get caught up in the details, enjoy your time. To all the people crying that I called them obnoxious, you are. Suck it up buttercups, this board isn't kinder recently, it's just less blunt. It's like letting someone walk around with spinach in their teeth, just tell them.
Posted by hetshup[/QUOTE]

thanks hetshup!  i have asked her, and basically the answer, as of now, is EVERY.SINGLE.TRADITION.  oy.  i think we're just going to have to ask her to name some of her top "suggestions" and then work from there at some point.  right now she's pretty ticked at me because we told her we were leaning towards not having a full-fledged meal, since we will have 300+ guests and we're on a $10,000 budget.  i honestly believe she's just going through a lot of emotions right now and she doesn't know quite how to handle it.  i hope she settles down soon, because i feel awful for FI being in the middle of us!  we've all gotten along really well up until this point...  i think after a few weeks it'll be less emotionally charged.  maybe...  :-\

desertsun

Remember that your wedding is YOUR wedding. You need to focus your energy on the things that are meaningful for the two of you. Not what other people think you should or shouldn't have. I know it can be tricky with money, but just stay calm and try to talk it through. Just don't be afraid to politely but firmly say, "I appreciate your opinion. FI and I think that X is more meaningful to us than Y, and since we can't do both, I hope you'll understand that we are going to go with X." It's easier to do this if everyone isn't involved in every little detail. Try to get help with planning on your month board or from friends if getting family involved means they start trying to take over. Okay?

Also, I think it's a great idea to take a week or so off from wedding stuff. It can really help you get a better perspective when you can get a little space.

GL and do keep us updated! I love me some vicarious wedding planning. I just don't want you to freak yourself out trying to do too much too soon. I'm really happy that you're not all upset with me for being upfront about this. I think it's healthy when we can talk this stuff through respectfully.

oceana919

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_garter-tradition?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:94da7eaf-2679-4fb5-a21e-1b9bd2675e8cPost:56719e09-18c7-429f-8d87-3000b27066fd">Re: garter tradition</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: garter tradition : There is absolutely no need to apologize! You are of course allowed to start threads here when you have a passing thought about something wedding related, and you think, Hmmm, what do other supercool ladies think about this? :) Do your wedding planning however you want. I just wanted to put it out there, out of concern that you're a little into it at this point, that you might need to step back for a week or two and allow yourself to focus on just you and your FI. Enjoy being engaged. Enjoy each other.  I think taking time out together from time to time helps you stay connected and focused on the WHY of your wedding instead of all the WHAT.  In my experience, people who get too wrapped up in details just don't enjoy their engagement as much as those who are more laid back and who maintain their focus on WHY they're doing all the wedding stuff: to publicly announce their love and commitment to spend their lives together. NOT to throw a party to impress a lot of people who love you and don't need to be impressed. I for one didn't really think about the garter stuff until about 3 weeks before my wedding, and I really enjoyed the planning as well as the actual wedding day. But I do realize we're all different, and you may NEED to get some things ironed out now so that you can relax later. Just keep in mind that all of this stuff is supposed to be HAPPY and FUN, okay? Don't stress. That's all. :)
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

::standing ovation::

She's right. She's wise. Listen to her, grasshopper.

lindsayrae1986

i agree with you!  it would definitely be nice to have a little space.   if only i could convince The Moms. 

i'm not sure i like the sound of "vicarious wedding planning"...  maybe "stress free wedding planning"?  or something.  i'm not feeling creative vibes this morning. 

i usually don't have a problem with disagreements as long as they are resolved respectfully and fairly.  i do have a problem with name-calling and mean-spiritedness.  one of the main reasons why i post WR questions on this board is because i know that i'll get a variety of perspectives, whereas among my family and friends i tend to get the same opinion... which kind of defeats the purpose. 

i never knew how strongly i felt against the garter tradition until he brought it up.  as i've mentioned briefly before, i was involved in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship a few years ago where i was viewed as "property" and any physical intimacy (though thankfully, we never had sex) was just physical. 

i'm looking forward to the emotional AND physical experience/bonds of sex with my husband.  the combination of: his culture's views on male/female gender roles + past experiences of being "property" + past experiences of physical intimacy + my shyness + his family's views on sexuality and being WAY TOO OPEN... just not a good combination! 

i know a lot of people have no problem with the tradition, or they like it, or they hate it.  i just get curious where other people stand and WHY.  maybe i'm way off-base and seeing other points of view sometimes helps me to evaluate why i feel a certain way and to see if it's even a VALID point of view.

anyway, i think this thread is dead at this point.  maybe a good thing, seems it started a couple cat-fights.  not my intention at all! 

thanks for the input!

jeanacorina

Be very careful on what you ask for advice or input on in regards to your wedding. Weddings make people (especially Moms) CRAZY. If you get overwhelmed, just tell them you're not really planning right now, you'll keep their idea in mind for later... and move on.

Other people can easily make you stressed and miserable if you let them. Don't be afraid to put your foot down and say NO WEDDING TALK RIGHT NOW.

PaigeMcC

Don't listen to Jeana...she's trashy=P

(JKJK! She really does know her shyt!)