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Not Engaged Yet
jnmiller324
member
Should I contribute to my engagement ring???
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Re: Should I contribute to my engagement ring???
Personally, I feel like if you're going to get married, these big purchases should be somewhat of a joint decision. Your financial future is a joint interest at this point, and it's silly to leverage your future by going into debt on a piece of jewelry.
It sounds like you both need to sit down and figure out reasonable budgets for all this wedding stuff (rings, wedding, etc.) with what you have saved and a reasonable expectation of what you expect to be able to save between now and then. If you're worried about "paying for your whole wedding", then that's not going to get any easier by him financing a ring. Figure out how much you both have saved, how much you will save, and divide that up - how much of that can go towards a ring? How much can go towards a wedding? It is in your best interest to figure out how to share expenses sooner rather than later.
For example, you seem to have a very mine and yours attitude about marriage expenses. If I understand correctly, you feel he should pay for your ring but think it is unfair that you should pay for our wedding. I can see where you are coming from since everything seems to be 50-50, except for your ring.
I think that you need to sit down and have a talk. If it means combining the ring into your wedding budget so be it. You need to figure out what works best for the both of you. If that results in a cheaper ring in order to make everything work than that is what you will have to do. Financing is never a good option for a ring or a wedding, you want to start your marriage off on solid financial grounds.
My Bio - updated 26/3/2011
Finances play a big part in any relationship, but especially a marriage. It sounds like you both need to sit down and discuss REALISTIC budgets with a realistic timeline. Decide on how you're both going to manage your finances, either separately or together. Compromise! But what's really important here isn't who pays for what, but that you can both decide on a solution together. A diamond doesn't make an engagement ring, in fact the diamond as a "tradition" is relatively new. Before that, people gave sapphire rings (and many people still do give sapphire e-rings or other gemstones). It doesn't have to be a "fake diamond" but you can find any number of different gemstones. Some people choose Asha or Moissanite as an alternative to a diamond, others like the coloured stones.
[QUOTE]My boyfriend of almost 4 yrs asked me to contribute $2000 (about 1/3-1/4 of his ring budget) to buy my engagement ring. We are both in our late 20's, finished grad school in 2009, and have good jobs. I was fortunate enough to get a job right out of school, while he did not get one for 6 months, which put a huge financial burden on him. I recently told him that I was uncomfortable with contributing since I have money saved & I would most likely have to pay for the upfront costs of a wedding & I would feel like I paid for most of our wedding. He said if I did not help him then we wouldn't be able to get engaged until next year. He also said he does not want to finance a ring & wants to pay in cash, to which I said was unrealistic. In re: to his budget, I told him what I would like & he did his research & decided what he wants to spend to "get me the ring I deserve." I even suggested one of those "fake" diamonds for the time being and he said no because "diamonds are expensive for a reason." We have a very good relationship and all of our expenses are 50/50. I did not want to offer up too much info, but I feel like I need to. We both put ourselves through grad school (I have undergrad loans as well), live in a large city, and require 2 cars to work. Rent is expensive where we live & we live a very modest life (ie: we don't do anything fun! :) ). After grad school when he was looking for a job, it was very hard to have the above expenses without an income. When you deplete your savings and live on credit cards & family loans for 6 months, it takes awhile to pull yourself out of a situation like that. I am torn on what to do.
Posted by jnmiller324[/QUOTE]
It is absolutely NOT unrealistic to want to pay for an engagement ring in cash. You'll be hard-pressed to find a girl on this board who would agree with you that he should finance all or part of an engagement ring when he could take the time to save up the cash... Is there any reason why you would not be willing to wait a year to get engaged (ie. be given a ring)?
I really wish people would stop using this phrase "the ring I deserve"... IMHO nothing qualifies as being deserving of a $6000 - $8000 piece of jewelry unless you work you butt off to pay for it...
My advice is to decide whether or not you really believe that a ring that expensive is necessary and if you feel that it is NOT then let him know that... If it IS then ... 1. consider waiting another year or however long it will take him to save the money... or 2. help him pay for it...
Oh and diamonds are only expensive because DeBeer's has a great marketing campaign and not because they are rare.
Life is good today.
Married Bio
[QUOTE]You sound like a spoiled, needy brat, IMHO. You seem to expect your BF to spend $6000-8000 on your ring, and go into further debt by doing it. And on top of it, you're not willing to help him out with this fairly significant expense. Get your head out of the clouds! Many people pay for the e-ring in cash, and I say people, not men, because it is not at all unheard of for the woman to help pay for HER ring.
Posted by Beads921[/QUOTE]
I read it as the BF had looked for a ring and picked one. HE picked that price range... At least that's what I thought.
Here's what I'd do. Find a ring that you love for only llike $2,000. Honestly, that's MUCH more than my ring costed, and I love my ring. YOu just need to look around. Personally, I didn't want a ring that was over 1,000. I just didn't see the point of spending tons of money on a piece of jewelry, when both FI and I have tons of loans and such from school. You can even get a NICE diamond ring for $2,000. Heck, even $1,000. I think that budget is extremely unreasonable being you both have student loans and it sounds like you guys simply can't afford spending that much money. You both need to sit down and have a chat. I'm really traditional, and so is FI, so we always had the plan that he'd buy the ring and give it to me. He wouldn't let me pay for part of it anyways becaues he's extremely old fashioned. Plus, the ring he picked out for me, was a ring that was in his budget, not one he'd be in debt for years because of.
While financing a ring can be a good thing (if you have the cash on hand to back it up) to expect him to take on more debt just so you can have the ring you think you deserve is a ridiculous way to start your lives together.
Like some of the other PP's have said, I think you need to seriously talk about your financial situation and what it will be when you get married. This isn't so much about the ring itself, but the way you two are handling the finances of it....
Personally, if my bf told me he wanted to get me a 6000-8000 dollar ring, I'd tell him that he was ****ing crazy and that I didn't want it. I don't see a reason to spend that much money on a single piece of jewelry. I don't want him going into debt over a ring.
Married Bio
[QUOTE]whoa whoa whoa. I am not spoiled at all. He set the budget & created his own expectations for the ring. I merely told him that I wanted a round cut in a white gold band (diamonds in it if it wasn't too unreasonable). I found a $3000 ring that I liked and he refuses to buy it because its from a chain jewelry store. To me, a diamond is a diamond & I don't care if it comes from Kay or Tiffany's. I never said I was unwilling, I just said that I was unsure of what to do because I felt that this should come from him and in a way the ring wouldn't signify the same thing if I knew I paid for a portion of it. I don't want him to go into more debt. I just felt that given his current situation that it was unrealistic for him to buy it in cash. I think a lot of my issue is also that he could make more financial changes to help. Right now we live in downtown Chicago & both work in the burbs. I said we should move to the burbs for a year or so to get caught up & save some money and he refuses to do it. Another thing is he said that right now the money I give him would go to pay down some of his credit card debt. So, I guess my issue is also I feel like I am paying for his credit card debt and not my ring.
Posted by jnmiller324[/QUOTE]
I think it was Hazel who first mentioned that it sounds like your issue here isn't about the ring and you contributing to it, but about your communication and your finances. You need to talk to him about this and figure out how you two are going to deal with these kinds of issues together. Finances can easily kill a relationship, so don't gloss over it. It sounds like he's been unwilling to compromise or be reasonable and that's a problem.
my 2012 shelf:
If you don't want to wait for him to save his pennies, then you should help him pay for the ring you want (or do some shopping and find one he can afford sooner). This amounts to the ring not being so much a gift as a joint purchase- but it's still (in my opinion) a symbol of two people joining together.... starting with their finances! My husband put my ring on a credit card because he was comfortable doing so, and we paid for it through our joint account. So, I helped pay for my ring. And I don't mind at all. We support each other in everything. But really, he used credit for the ring because he wanted to be able to surprise me (we had a joint account even then), and we had it paid off in a few months. He did NOT finance it because he couldn't afford it.
Short version, here are your choices:
1) Don't help him with the ring, but let him save up his money since he's uncomfortable going into debt (and that's a very understandable and smart concern).
2) Find a less expensive ring that he can afford sooner (talk more about alternative stones... maybe something you wouldn't feel the need to replace, like a moissanite or sapphire... or find a custom jeweler who can create an expensive style at a lower price).
3) Help him pay for the ring now- no waiting, no compromising on the style or stone.
ALSO: you guys should start talking about your expectations for wedding expenses. Budget is the first thing you need to talk about when you DO get engaged. You seem to have some assumptions about how that will work, and the outcome with your ring may have an effect on your expectations. You should think about whether you prefer to spend more on the ring and potentially less on the wedding... and keep in mind that if your BF is making payments on a ring, he'll have less to contribute to the wedding. You guys should have a discussion about the general aspects of the wedding budget and who can pay what. You also should discuss in detail how your regular budget will work when you're married. Joint account? Stay 50/50? Joint account for bills and personal accounts for spending?
This stuff is important, and a huge source of stress in many marriages.
[QUOTE]whoa whoa whoa. I am not spoiled at all. He set the budget & created his own expectations for the ring. I merely told him that I wanted a round cut in a white gold band (diamonds in it if it wasn't too unreasonable). I found a $3000 ring that I liked and he refuses to buy it because its from a chain jewelry store. <strong>To me, a diamond is a diamond & I don't care if it comes from Kay or Tiffany's. </strong>I never said I was unwilling, I just said that I was unsure of what to do because I felt that this should come from him and in a way the ring wouldn't signify the same thing if I knew I paid for a portion of it. I don't want him to go into more debt. I just felt that given his current situation that it was unrealistic for him to buy it in cash. I think a lot of my issue is also that he could make more financial changes to help. Right now we live in downtown Chicago & both work in the burbs.<strong> I said we should move to the burbs for a year or so to get caught up & save some money and he refuses to do it. </strong>Another thing is he said that right now the money I give him would go to pay down some of his credit card debt. So, I guess my issue is also I feel like I am paying for his credit card debt and not my ring.
Posted by jnmiller324[/QUOTE]
My first suggestion is to stay away from NAMES whose commercials you see on TV... You're essentially just paying for their NAME and their advertising... Find a reputable jeweler in your area, you'll save a fortune.
Next - If he set his budget at $6000 - $8000 then he needs to be more realistic when he takes his current debt into consideration... He really shouldn't say... "I want to pay $6000 but I believe you "deserve" and $8000 ring so I want you to give me the other $2000... If you feel that you are happier with something less expensive, please explain that to him...
AND - you need to explain further that there is nothing wrong with waiting another year for him to FIRST pay down his debts and THEN save to buy a ring...
In the meantime - you are still living together and should be enjoying your lives as a couple, married or not... When you have a substantial amount of debt, buying a ring and having a wedding are the least important things... Believe me, I know... With our current financial situation, if my BF came to me with a ring, I would look at him like he was INSANE!
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I contribute to my engagement ring??? : With our current financial situation, if my BF came to me with a ring, I would look at him like he was INSANE!
Posted by LyzMcFlyz[/QUOTE]
BTW - this last statement I can say, now, after months of being on this board and listening to the advice of the women who frequently post here... You seem like a well-educated, hopefully logical & rational individual... stick around...
[QUOTE]whoa whoa whoa. I am not spoiled at all. <strong>He set the budget & created his own expectations for the ring.</strong> I merely told him that I wanted a round cut in a white gold band (diamonds in it if it wasn't too unreasonable). I found a $3000 ring that I liked and he refuses to buy it because its from a chain jewelry store. To me, a diamond is a diamond & I don't care if it comes from Kay or Tiffany's. I never said I was unwilling, I just said that I was unsure of what to do because I felt that this should come from him and in a way the ring wouldn't signify the same thing if I knew I paid for a portion of it. I don't want him to go into more debt. I just felt that given his current situation that it was unrealistic for him to buy it in cash. I think a lot of my issue is also that he could make more financial changes to help. Right now we live in downtown Chicago & both work in the burbs. I said we should move to the burbs for a year or so to get caught up & save some money and he refuses to do it. Another thing is he said that right now the money I give him would go to pay down some of his credit card debt. So, I guess my issue is also I feel like I am paying for his credit card debt and not my ring.
Posted by jnmiller324[/QUOTE]
So let me get this straight...HE has cc debt, student loan debt, etc, yet HE set a budget for $6-$8K for a ring and is now asking you to contribute $2K towards that, even though you'd be happy with a ring half that cost? (if HE set the budget, he should NOT be asking for your help with it IMO)
It sounds like he has some major issues with his financial priorities and that should be a big discussion before you decide to get married. He is setting budgets he can't afford with money that should be going elsewhere, that's not something that's going to be limited just to the ring issue, it will be a problem throughout your entire marriage if you don't address this now.
Communication is key!!
There's nothing wrong with contributing to your ring, but it's also okay to not want to. However, your BF is being stupid to insist on a ring he cannot afford. Tell him what you deserve is a fiance who is debt-free, not an overpriced hunk of carbon.
I haz a planning bio
Interesting that you just posted this. In a way I see your point of view for not wanting to pay for the ring. I make a lot more money than my boyfriend I have a full time job where he works part time and goes to school full time and I know he was struggling to pay for my ring, on top of credit card debt, paying for school and everything else. We both agreed financing was a bad option so he's been paying it off a little each month.
I offered to help pay for my ring and my boyfriend absolutely refused, he has quite the ego and is definitely old fashioned. THe way I look at it, once him and I get married my debt and his debt is OUR debt. So what I decided to do was pay off his credit card all $5,000 of it and it was his Christmas gift and birthday gift. THeres a lot of reasons why I did this, some was selfish i.e. I wanted to get engaged sooner rather than have to wait another 6 months. But I also looked at it that I was helping US out.
I used to think in terms of "my" and "his" but now as we are so close to getting engaged him and I both look at things as "ours".
I do agree with you though, I dont think he should have asked you to help pay for your ring. But maybe if you help him out in another way like I did you dont feel resentful for helping to pay for your ring.
You do not need a ring that expensive. Sorry, but you don't. If he wants you to contribute $2,000 to the ring, that means he can pay between $4,000 to $6,000 for the ring by himself. Find a ring in that price range and use the extra $2,000 towards the wedding.
There's no sense in going to debt over a ring. And really, you can get a beautiful ring for that budget anyway.
But also don't encourage him to pay for a ring that costs as much as some cars by adding to his credit card debt!
You have some financial and communication issues to deal with. Forget about the ring for awhile.
For the record, my ring is 3/4 carat diamond center stone, an additional 1/4 carat in side stones, and it cost just under $1k. DH went to several jewelers and finally found a beautiful ring that fit what I wanted and it was on sale.
Of course, I regularly beat him with a frying pan when he tries to spend too much money on things we don't need... so maybe I just have him well-trained.
[QUOTE] I never said I was unwilling, I just said that I was unsure of what to do because I felt that this should come from him and in a way <u><em><strong>the ring wouldn't signify the same thing if I knew I paid for a portion of it</strong></em></u>. Posted by jnmiller324[/QUOTE]
Your engagement ring signifies that you and your bf/fiance have made a commitment to spend the rest of your lives together. Not to signify that any and everything you want will be given to you, regardless to whether he can afford it or not.
If he says he can't afford your dream ring until next year, then agree to a cheaper, more cost-effective ring, or wait until next year. You obviously can't have it both ways with your current financial situation.