Should I contribute to my engagement ring???

calindi

Again, this is where you sit down with him with a calculator and a piece of paper and figure out a financial strategy.  Write down each of your savings and debts.  Write down a rough budget for a wedding (you can use the tool on TK to get an idea - in my experience, some guys have absolutely no clue.  My BF seemed to think we could do it for a quarter of what our actual budget will be).  Break it down for him so he can see how much you expect to pay for each aspect of the wedding so it's not just an overarching number - it makes it more realistic than just "cutting $2k" because you'd actually have to see WHERE you'd cut back and what you'll be compromising on.

Let him see that if he pays $5-6k for a ring, you're afraid he won't be able to contribute to the wedding, and you'd have to shoulder all that cost out of your own savings.  Figure out a plan for him to pay off his debt - it doesn't have to be right away, but it would be really good for you both to enter the marriage with no credit card debt (school debt is more understandable and less interest rates).

This needs to be a mutual strategy.  He can't go on spending that amount of money without considering what it means for BOTH of you and your future financial stability.  And you can't go on thinking that you can hoard away your savings as "my money".  While I agree that you shouldn't have to pay off his credit card debt, that debt will be partially yours and your savings will be partially his once you get married.  Reconcile those differences before you take that step or you'll have a much harder time once you're married.

Southrnbell

I don't think there is anything wrong with contributing money to your own ring.  I actually told my BF that I would help pay for it because I know that times are hard right now for him and i have the money.  Plus, I look at it this way, once we are married it will be "our" money anyway.  BF refuses to let me help pay and thats why we are waiting until he saves up the money to buy it.  I just don't see a problem with helping him pay for a ring that you love and will wear for the rest of your life.

misikes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-contribute-engagement-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9718784a-2071-4dea-8b16-5848154289b1Post:f1a3bdb8-872e-4e19-9f1a-70aa03ceddd5">Re: Should I contribute to my engagement ring???</a>:
[QUOTE] I never said I was unwilling, I just said that I was unsure of what to do because I felt that this should come from him and in a way <u><em><strong>the ring wouldn't signify the same thing if I knew I paid for a portion of it</strong></em></u>. Posted by jnmiller324[/QUOTE]

Your engagement ring signifies that you and your bf/fiance have made a commitment to spend the rest of your lives together. Not to signify that any and everything you want will be given to you, regardless to whether he can afford it or not.

If he says he can't afford your dream ring until next year, then agree to a cheaper, more cost-effective ring, or wait until next year. You obviously can't have it both ways with your current financial situation.

loves2shop4shoes

Ok.  First of all, Cate is wise and gave you good advice.

Second, if you don't feel like you can trust your BF with your money, how do you feel like you're ready to marry him?  If you're talking marriage, you should feel confident that if he asks you for money for X for Y reason, he is telling you the truth.  If you don't believe him, there is a bigger issue at play here.

Third, sit down with your BF and tell him that just because $6,000ish is AVERAGE doesn't mean you HAVE to spend that much.  Average means, well, AVERAGE.  There are women out there (like a cousin of mine) whose H spent six figures and up on their golfball sized diamonds.  There are also people out there who spent no money on the engagement ring because it is an heirloom.  See the point?

Also, it's important to note that just because you PAY a certain amount for a ring doesn't mean that's what it's actually worth.  For example, there are these things called "sales" and all types of consumer goods go on "sale" some times.  FI bought my ring in Mexico.  The beautiful part about buying in Mexico is that you're able to negotiate with the jeweler as to the price of the jewelry.  FI negotiated 4k off the price of my diamond and 5k off the price of my bridal set.  And I just got my engagement ring and wedding band re-appraised for the insurance...they are worth about double of what FI paid.

desertsun

I think there's a big difference between student loans or a car loan and credit card debt. To me, a lot of credit card debt indicates someone is (was)  living beyond their means and needs to work on being more responsible before I'd want to merge my finances.

I can see that he's trying to save interest by paying down the CC debt. It IS better to put money toward higher interest debt. This WILL free up cash down the road.

But it's completely reasonable for you to not want to pay the price for lifestyle decisions HE makes.

I wouldn't give him money toward your ring, and I'd tell him to spend less. It's your ring.  It's your future, and your merged finances down the road. You get a say.

FWIW, my H bought my ring at Jared. He was happy with the service and felt he could trust the quality, so he didn't mind paying a bit more. I don't think WHERE matters nearly as much as how much, how well were you treated, and if you like the ring.

loves2shop4shoes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-contribute-engagement-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9718784a-2071-4dea-8b16-5848154289b1Post:d99baa2a-f6fc-411e-bf36-7bdcec10b4f2">Re: Should I contribute to my engagement ring???</a>:
[QUOTE]We're a team right?! Am I stupid?? Has anyone else paid for a portion of their ring?
Posted by jnmiller324[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, you're stupid.  Allowing someone who you consider yourself to be a "team" with to dictate to you what kind of jewelry YOU will be wearing for the rest of your life is stupid.  If you REALLY wanted a cheaper ring, you'd tell him "You can get what you want, but if it costs more than X amount, I'm not wearing it."  It seems like deep down, you want a big sparkly and don't care about what it costs.</div><div>
</div><div>So, then, don't biitch about what it costs, him going into debt, or him borrowing money from you.</div><div>
</div><div>Kthanx.</div>

leia1979

I find the "non-negotiable" part of that statement bothersome.

I'm probably just an overly-cautious cynic, but I don't know about paying off the other person's debt before you're even engaged. What if something happens and the wedding doesn't happen? I only say this because my FI had some financial issues from giving money to a girl years ago he thought he was going to marry (not that they were ever engaged). That bitch never gave him back a dime.

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-contribute-engagement-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9718784a-2071-4dea-8b16-5848154289b1Post:d99baa2a-f6fc-411e-bf36-7bdcec10b4f2">Re: Should I contribute to my engagement ring???</a>:
[QUOTE]oh boy WW-III when I got home!! jk...kind of. We had a talk and he explained things but then he got mad because he felt that now he ruined the ring for me (he didn't...i still know no details about it). I know in the long run everything will be ours and I am obviously ok with that. I think I was more turned off about the way he approached me about it and how he set a dollar amount without consulting me & then assumed that I would just hand it over. <strong>I again mentioned a cheaper ring & he said its non-negotiable. I guess I'm lucky???</strong> (or not). His cc debt isnt that bad, but I suppose when you're trying to get ahead, any debt is bad.  <strong>I think I might give him the $$, but in installments so that I don't feel like I lost a huge chunk of money. We're a team right?! Am I stupid??</strong> Has anyone else paid for a portion of their ring?
Posted by jnmiller324[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Your BF has debt and wants to spend more than he can afford on an engagement ring. I wouldn't call that lucky. I would call it, at best, financially irresponsible, and at worst, stupid.</div><div>
</div><div>Whether you give him the money in installments or one lump sum, you're still giving him the money.</div><div>
</div><div>Which you were pretty clear about NOT wanting to do.</div><div>
</div><div>So, either your BF stubbornly (perhaps stupidly) insists on making irresponsible decisions that impact both of your futures without allowing you to have a say but expecting you to contribute financially and you let him get away with it, or you lied and you really do want a big sparkly ring regardless of the consequences. Pick one.</div><div>
</div><div>Or, you could grow some ladyballs, and tell him he doesn't get to make decisions like this on his own.</div><div>

</div>

jeanacorina

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-contribute-engagement-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9718784a-2071-4dea-8b16-5848154289b1Post:eb044adc-0f20-4d17-8ae8-64916911f764">Re: Should I contribute to my engagement ring???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I contribute to my engagement ring??? : Or, you could grow some ladyballs, and tell him he doesn't get to make decisions like this on his own.
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

Grow some ovaries!!!

To answer your question, YES, technically I paid for a portion of my ring, since we paid for it out of our joint account. Technically, everyone who merges finances pays for part of their ring, because money spent on a ring is money not in the bank. But, that's last semester's economics class speaking.

To answer your other question, YES, you're stupid. But it's because you're obviously uncomfortable and uncertain enough to cave in and agree to give him money when you're uncomfortable with it. Just because I or anyone else contributed to our rings doesn't mean you should feel obligated to. Your financial relationship with your BF sounds really shaky. FIGURE THAT OUT. There are tons of relationship books out there that deal with merging finances, among other things. I'm a big fan of some kind of premarital counseling, even if it's just the couple reading a book or two and talking about things. Try that out, and if you're still feeling a lot of pressure/stress about his/your finances, then maybe you guys should speak with a financial advisor or something.

Also, tell him you'd marry him if he proposed with a zip-tie, and the ring is NOT necessary. We had a chick around here who got a zip-tie ring, and it was memorable and sweet. Sometimes guys need a swift kick in the butt about these things. Their ego becomes tied to the diamond, and that's stupid.

Yes, I think he's acting stupid, too. But I also think you guys can work through this and become non-stupid.

LuluP82

I don't normally post on here, but I read all the responses and wanted to chime in.
Thi s got long and preachy, so CN-- OP-- you need to get on the same page financially before you even THINK about getting engaged.


OP-- you and your BF have SERIOUS financial incompatibility issues that you need to work out before you thing about getting engaged. The you contributing to the ring part doesn't bother me one bit-- as people have pointed out before, once you merge finances, be it after your engagement or after marriage, like my H and I did, you realize that the money is all one anyway. What bothers me is that you seem to have very different approaches to money and he seems unwilling or unable to compromise with you or listen to your point of view.

You seem to be a saver. He seems to want to live beyond his means, and when you make suggestions, he's not willing to do what you ask to make you more comfortable. You mentioned that he's unwilling to move to a lower cost location even though it makes more sense for you day to day, and it would save you money you could put towards debt, for example. And, you don't seem to be comfortable paying off his CC debt, which I understand, but the combination of the CC debt and him asking you for loans AND being unwilling to change his lifestyle to me indicates someone who will ALWAYS want to do what he wants regardless of the financial reality. And you don't strike me as a person who'd be comfortable with that.

You need to have a serious heart-to-heart about your finances and savings and debt, and get on the same page before you even think about getting a ring.

This stuff has been on my mind a lot lately, because we just got married and are merging our finances now. We've had so many conversations lately about budgets and savings,but what's made it easier is we're on the same page NOW. I have 0 CC debt, but some student loans. My H has lots of CC debt and student loans. We're working on paying off the CC debt together (I Knew about it before we were married) and it doesn't bother me that he has it BECAUSE he's since stopped using the card and we've gotten on the same page about living below our means so we can save. If he had insisted on using the CC and kept borrowing money, it would have really made us financially incompatible.

I understand your desire to not want to contribute to your own ring or to his debt, because it seems he's repeatedly setting unrealistic budgets for himself. Why did he set a large ring budget if he didn't have the money? Is he going insist on large wedding budget too, using YOUR MONEY to pay for it (either now out of your savings or in the future by racking up more debt?)

AGAIN-- get on the same page financially. THEN worry about who's buying what for whom.

heyimbren

Desert and Jeana said exactly what I wanted to say. I think what a lot of people were saying here isn't that you should contribute to your ring- that's your personal choice. But the problem is the poor communication he seems to be exhibiting, and how you're just going along with what he says even if you don't like it. On top of that, you both seem to have very different ideas of how to manage finances. You're clashing majorly already (as you said, "WW3") and you're not even engaged or married yet. That's something that needs to be worked out now, as opposed to later.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-contribute-engagement-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9718784a-2071-4dea-8b16-5848154289b1Post:d6a0d910-ab58-4362-ae25-c7f242e86cc6">Re: Should I contribute to my engagement ring???</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm really kind of offended by the name calling. I understand that you all do not know our financial situation and are going on by the little that I am telling you, but holy cow! I agree that we need to talk about our financial future & the merger, but at the present time since we're not married, we are fine with keeping things separate. All I really wanted to know were thoughts on whether it is acceptable/ok to contribute to my ring. I hope in future posts I don't get this much lashing out! :) 
Posted by jnmiller324[/QUOTE]

People did answer your question. I think the main point being made is that once you're married, it doesn't matter whether you contributed or not. Because once you're married and you combine funds, it's (plural) your money. Together.

If your comment about the name calling is about the comments saying "yes, you're stupid" then to be fair, you did ask the question. You probably did get some responses that were out of line and could have been phrased nicer, but that isn't all you got. You also received some advice and suggestions.

jeanacorina

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-contribute-engagement-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9718784a-2071-4dea-8b16-5848154289b1Post:d6a0d910-ab58-4362-ae25-c7f242e86cc6">Re: Should I contribute to my engagement ring???</a>:
[QUOTE] All I really wanted to know were thoughts on whether it is acceptable/ok to contribute to my ring.
Posted by jnmiller324[/QUOTE]

Yes. It is.