Not Engaged Yet

Talk me down, ladies

Okay. I'm having a rough time of things right now.

1) School is more work this semester. I started working on my minor, which is graphic design. That means art classes. That means, at least one or two or four art assignments every week, plus mandatory sketchbook work. PLUS, I am taking ad design and media research. Both are very project-heavy. This ain't no history class where I make an A just for showing up and BSing on essay questions.

2) Work is starting to suck. And no, it didn't suck before. I was hired as a receptionist, my duties were to answer the phone and sometimes do some filing. I did well, and they added on sending out form letters. And checking in shipments. And cleaning the kitchen. And so on.....

I was told when I was hired (and for the last year and some months) that I would have ample downtime and that I SHOULD do my homework at work. If I didn't have anything to do, I could surf the internet. Basically, do some work, get things done, do what I want as long as my butt was at the desk and the phone gets answered.

My manager has started taking away free time and adding work over the last month. (There is another receptionist, and she's experiencing the same things) I was opening files, but not fast enough. So, no more internet (I am opening about one more file per day than I did when I was surfing the Knot while the printer was running. Woopie). Now, I'm okay with that. But she's hovering. And adding in more busywork. And basically filling my every moment with little tasks. Then she periodically checks up on me to see how things are coming along. I've flat-out told her some days that I didn't do anything because I had homework to do, and that comes first.

It's WHY I took the damn job. It was flexible and I was SUPPOSED to do my homework there.

Another suckage-- the owner of the business (lawyer) acts like he's 2 instead of 50. If he doesn't like something, he yells and screams and cusses at people (not me, or I'd leave without hesitation). He runs out of milk for his Cheerios? All hell breaks loose. He doesn't get his magazines when he wants to get them? I have to change the entire process of sorting mail so that he gets his first and everyone else has to wait. Today, he got ticked off about getting too many phone calls. Now I'm supposed to not only ask who's calling (already do), but what they want. Do you know what lawyers say when you ask them what case they're calling about? "The important one. He'll know what it is."

Yeah, and now he wants me to tell him before he decides if he wants to be here or not. Yes, he's making me screen his calls in an obvious way. What of it?

Lovely.

3) FI isn't ready for me not to work. He wants more time with me, he's pouting and blowing $200 on board games I don't have time to play with him (he spends money when he gets bored and upset), and he apparently would like me to bake cookies now and then. But he doesn't want me to quit my job.

I make about $400 a month. He just spent HALF of that on board games. But, we're paying for part of our wedding, and he doesn't want to give up eating out 3 times a week for dinner, and far more than that for lunch. He wants to live like a rich guy. I don't mind cutting corners to preserve my sanity and my GPA.

He's PROBABLY getting a promotion in a few months. This summer, I bet. He's been told he is in line for the sales position (company car, bigger salary, commission) but they just aren't sure when it will be available. Hint: He's going to training later this month, and they don't HAVE a rental sales rep in his district right now. His bosses have made it known they WANT one and have been encouraging FI to improve his rapport-building skills. He's doing well according to his review this month.

Bottom line: I want to quit my job. It's stressing me out. I'm sick of having the most complicated receptionist position in the world with a boss who treats his employees like cattle. It's stupid. I would consider getting another job with a little higher hourly pay, and fewer hours worked. They're out there.

But I don't really have a lot of time to look for them. I did some scouting online tonight. Found a nanny position. I used to be a nanny....

I just feel like my head is going to explode. We've been talking about this for weeks. FI isn't ready for me to quit working, even though we can afford it. Our plan is for me to be a SAHM someday. Well, when will he be comfortable with that if he's not comfortable with me not working now? He doesn't understand how important it is to me to graduate with honors, he was happy with C's. I'm not.

I think he's also envious that he's making enough money for both of us, and when he was finishing school I didn't (he's mentioned as much). He had to work. Well, I was working retail. This is WHY I went back to school. I was working very hard for little money. You make more money BECAUSE you have a degree.

This has become entirely too long. I'll stop now. I just....... blah. I don't know. It's frustrating. Yes, we're talking about it. We're communicating. But it's stressing us both out.
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Re: Talk me down, ladies

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry you are stressed. If I could make you cookies I would. One of my roommate's is an art major and she is so busy all the time, its seems like she pulls at least one all-nighter a week. Do you know why your work has been adding all of this busy work is there a chance thats its just temporary and will go back to normal?All I can say is just keep your eye on the prize, it will all be worth it when you are done right? thats what I keep telling myself anyway.


  • Ana_2985Ana_2985 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now and I'm glad you guys are trying to talk through all of it.  You must be a much sweeter person than me because if FI told me he wanted me to work AND bake him cookies he would've gotten a knee to the groin.  On the other hand, I can understand your FI's envy.  I think it's normal for him to feel that way, even if it's not right or helpful.  Maybe just remind him how close you two are to being married.  Things should be even more about what works for the two of you than they were when he was finishing school.  And it doesn't sound like the current situation IS what's best for the two of you.

    Also, I know you said you have experience, but IMO being a nanny is one of the most emotionally and physically exhausting jobs you can have.  I don't see that as being something that is going to help you be less stressed.  I would definitely try to find a different job, but I just don't see how that job would help you out very much.

    Sorry if you weren't really asking for advice.
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  • edited December 2011
    I'm sorry your job sucks so badly. :( I had a really bad job once... it was a resturaunt, and the boss would always hire more waitresses (Who make nearly nothing from his pocket) and fire the food prep staff, and then have the waitresses do those jobs instead of working with the tables.  And he routinely cursed out the customers.  It was a very stressful enviornment.

    That being said, if you want a job with really good pay for just a small amount of time, I suggest working at as a waitress/server.  It isn't glamorous, but you have the opportunity to make a killer amount of money in just one night.  Oh, and there's always stripping.  I hear those girls make bank. Wink

    I understand what you mean about your FI wanting to do just enough to get by as far as school goes.  BF is just like that.  He's giving me the hardest time about changing my major because I will be going from the "easiest" to one of the hardest, as far as course work goes.  He doesn't understand that I want a challenge.

    I really hope things start getting brighter for you.  Are you gonna be on spring break?
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    Wow, you DO have alot going on and alot to be stressed about.  My honest opinion is that this job does not sound worth all the stress at all!!  I agree that it is definitly best for you to quit and focus on your school work - I mean hell you are paying to go to school so you definitly want to do the best you can!   I know when I was in college it was just way too hard to focus on both work and school.  I worked for about the first 3-4 months and then finally decided it was smarter for me to just focus on school, so that's what I did.  And especially if you guys can afford for you not to work, then it doesn't make any sense at all why he would want you to keep working at a place like that!!  Doesn't he realize you'd be ALOT happier if you didn't have to go to a stressful job everyday?!  Sheesh...
  • paintgirlpaintgirl member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Any time one half of a couple dislikes their job, it becomes a major cause of stress for both people. I'm not a fan of sh*tty jobs. Here's my typical path when a job starts to suck (either boredom or annoyance for me, usually):
    1. Wait 15-30 days to see if someone is just in a funk and they get over it (seems you're already through this point), then
    2. Make a list of what sucks. Maybe not as many things suck as you think. But if you do have a long list of negatives, this will help identify things that could change to make it better
    3. Talk to the supervisor (or above supervisor if necessary) to see if you can find a solution - this of course assumes you think anyone will give a crap, then
    4. Find something else - ANYTHING else
    5. Quit.

    I give a place 60-90 days after the day I decide it sucks to see if I can turn things around, with or without help from supervisors. Then, well, life is too short to hate your job!

    Depending on what type of neighborhoods are nearby (safe, middle class are best for this) consider delivering pizza 2 or 3 days a week. If you worked a 6-8 hour shift on Friday evening (not ideal but we do what we must) you could make 80 or so bucks a shift! It doesn't need to be glamorous - just quick money.
  • edited December 2011
    Uhg...that blows *hugs*

    I'm sorry your'e so stressed.

    Take comfort that you're a nicer person than I am because I may have killed my BF after the cookie suggestion, but then again, I suck at deal with stress.

    Deep breaths.

    Cheap wine.

    The week is almost over.

    I'm with you though if it's doable for you guys to survive on just his income I would go for it, if work/school is still this stressful a month out from the wedding you'll probably end up in jail for murder or be a crazy wino.
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  • edited December 2011
    I second Button's cheap wine suggestion. You should probably add cheese to that as well.
  • edited December 2011
    I'm looking at internships. There aren't many open right now. But it would be good to have a job where I can work 10 hours a week and they're flexible for school stuff. Also, nearly everything pays more than I make. I get $8.50 an hour. Most receptionist jobs are literally "answer the phone" and they get $13 an hour (most are full time, but I don't want that).

    FI also doesn't think me not working would help me achieve better balance in my life. He says I have the time I need, I just don't use it. He's right. Because a lot of that time is at home, with him. And when I was ignoring him to do schoolwork, he was getting really depressed and lonely.

    And, like I've said, spending money. A lot of money. Money we have......... because I'm working.

    Is that odd to anyone else? He's not seeing the sense of it. More time for him = he spends less.... so we don't even NEED my money. He just uses it for things to keep him company while I work on art projects.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    Boys don't understand a lot of things that make perfect sense. :)
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  • paintgirlpaintgirl member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I actually understand your fi's deal with money. My bf is gone for long periods of time during the day for work and I'm at home. I don't know anyone in that city. So how do I fill the time?? I buy stuff. Usually not stuff that we need. I have to be really conscious of that because we don't have the money to just blow it out of boredom.

    Have you had a chance to show him the numbers? "We" spend x on games/toys, x on dining out, and x on whatever? If we cut those things, I will have time to study, take care of the house/cook/bake (throw him a bone), and spend mroe time with you.

    Would it work?

  • PaigeMcCPaigeMcC member
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011

    Sorry you're stressed out, girl!  I'm with you, ditch the job and find somewhere that they appericate you and pay better.  You're worth more than that!  I'm glad you and FI are talking and I hope it all sorts itself out soon - you don't need the stress! I agree with Button - cheap  wine is a must ;)


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  • katanne9katanne9 member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    YOU CAN PULL THROUGH JEANA, I BELIEVE IN YOU!

    1. Art classes. I was also a graphic design major, so I totally understand the pressure you're under. It's not about just getting it done, it's about creating something that's freakin' awesome. I made myself go into all my art classes with the mentality that it was a therapeutic hobby. I ended up loving all my classes bc I would just put on headphones and create and ended up finding it very relaxing. Maybe this will work for you also?

    2A. Can this mean salary re-negocitation if you stay in your current job?

    2B. I don't think this means he'll never be comfortable with you being a SATM. He is probably just relaly concerned about being in the right place when you DO quit your job. Maybe he doesn't feel prepared yet?

    good luck jeana!

  • babybchbumbabybchbum member
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I completely understand your stress. You need to get some Cheap Wine and relax. I know Graphic design is a tough set of classes. ( I've seen many friends go down that
    avenue.) Adding Wedding planning on top of all that is already going on is adding to your stress I'm sure.

    Just tell FI (with numbers/charts what ever he needs to see) how much money is being spent on 'useless' stuff and if you could stop working and making $400 a month although you might miss out on some lapuxuries for a little while, you all would both be happier campers. (Make comments such as: I'd be home to make a meal instead of us going out and spending $30+ a meal; and to top it off I could bake cookies for dessert)
  • hetshuphetshup member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I worked at my university while in college. It was a set number of hours and I always did my homework. Is this an option for you?

    I do also think you should sit down with the numbers with him. If it's in black and white that usually helps.


    It sucks that everything is piling up, I recommend making a mosaic, you know, break stuff.
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  • edited December 2011
    Jeana, you know I love you, but:

    1) I think you were very lucky to find a job where they'd let you do homework, which means they were paying you to do things they got no benefit from.  I agree that it really sucks that they are changing your job description on you.  However...

    It just seems logical to me that a company would want to give more work to employees that do their jobs well.  It's also not unreasonable for a company to want you to be actually working for them while they are paying you to.  Otherwise, it's a waste of money for them in a crappy economy where every penny counts.  (I won't touch the douchey boss-man,  or the hovering boss...those just flat-out suck). 

    I know you're under a lot of stress right now, but this post *partly* comes across as complaining that your job is actually asking you to do work.  There are plenty of people out there who are unemployed who would kill to have your job. I don't know... maybe my migraine-y head is reading the first part of your post wrong. If so, please excuse me.

    Could you either reduce your hours or negotiate a raise for the added responsibilities?  That way, you'd either have more time to do HW or more $$ to help out at home.  If not, I think checking out other jobs (like the nanny one) are a great idea.  I know you may not have a lot of time right now, but it's a catch-22 where if you found another job, you'd have more time.  It could be worth it to make the extra  effort to job-hunt.

    2) Your FI and I would be having a "Come to Jesus" talk.  I think he is being absolutely *frickin* ridiculous.  I would've verbally bitch-slapped him once he asked for cookies.  Who the hell does he think you are, Betty Crocker?

    Your FI needs to choose which of the following things is most important to him:

    1) Quality time with you
    2)  Money to buy useless crap/eat out 3x a week.

    He can't have his cake and eat it too.  He needs to make sacrifices to get what he really wants, because you sure can't keep trying to be superwoman and do *everything*.  It's not healthy, or fair.

    /rant
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  • katanne9katanne9 member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_talk-down-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a07388f8-0951-42ea-8837-a7381cafc6e3Post:3cd42d51-0534-4bfa-963e-c217c8d02c22">Re: Talk me down, ladies</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would've verbally bitch-slapped him once he asked for cookies.  Who the hell does he think you are, Betty Crocker?
    Posted by noelle24[/QUOTE]

    there goes the sobe.
  • hetshuphetshup member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_talk-down-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a07388f8-0951-42ea-8837-a7381cafc6e3Post:f8ac7f25-5807-437e-ac12-33b8885746c4">Re: Talk me down, ladies</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Talk me down, ladies : there goes the sobe.
    Posted by katanne9[/QUOTE]

    unrelated to jeana's query-- Is everyone really drinking sobe and they just don't sell it here in TX (I haven't seen sobe since I was about 15)? Or are we hopping on Oceana's bandwagon.

    If it is actually sobe, dang you guys drink a lot.
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  • edited December 2011
    I think it's an NEY figure of speech, Hetshup.

    I actually typed out a really long response, but it ended up sounding bitchy.  FI found out yesterday that there's about a 99% probability he's getting laid off due to state budget cuts, so complaining about your job is not going to rate very high with me right now, since you still have one to complain about.  Suffice to say, I agree wtih everything Noelle wrote, I just couldn't write it as nicely because I'm in a terrible mood.  I do still love you though, and I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed.
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  • edited December 2011
    I completely understand that it sounds like I'm complaining about my job and I should be grateful to have one. I get it. I also understand it seems weird to complain that my job expects me to be working instead of doing homework. Yes, that makes sense. They should want me to work.

    However, the job has changed since I took it over a year ago. The law firm is handling more cases, and they need to utilize the receptionists to open the files and send out letters. We get literally 8 new files some days. That's about 6-7 hours of work for me. Work I didn't used to have.

    It's just a combination of school getting more challenging and time-consuming, and work needing me to handle more responsibility (because I do a good job and I CAN handle the responsibility normally). I don't really have the time or energy for that.

    It's not that I am REALLY ungrateful. It's that I just don't think that my new list of job responsibilities (which keeps growing) is fitting into my priorities properly. When I was the breadwinner, I put up with a lot of crap, and took on extra responsibility as a manager to make sure I kept my job and kept getting raises and working 40+ hours a week. We NEEDED my income.

    My #1 priority is no longer my income. Now it's my relationship with FI, followed closely by my education. If my job is causing more harm in my life and my sanity than good, then maybe it's not the right one for me... and maybe I'm not a good fit for the position as they've updated it. There are tons of other college freshmen out there with History and English classes who have the time to work and would love to take any job with a flexible schedule and no nights or weekends, regardless of the pay.

    That person isn't me anymore. And I feel bad being unhappy in a job somebody else might love to have.

    Sorry to annoy you guys, Noelle & Acro. But you're both absolutely right. That's what's happening, and I'm not exactly proud of it. I recognize that it's a problem and I'm trying to figure out the best way to fix it.
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  • paintgirlpaintgirl member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Eeek Acro - that sucks! I'm sorry to hear about your FI's job. That's really stressful. Hopefully it won't happen!
  • paintgirlpaintgirl member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Is it a requirement to be grateful you have a job if you don't actually NEED one? Philosophical question. I don't know...
  • edited December 2011
    I don't know, either. It's exactly the kind of thing FI and I have been discussing, because I DO feel bad for complaining. But.... I think I'm at LEAST justified in complaining that I'm being micromanaged (when I'm perfectly capable of managing myself thankyouverymuch) and that the big-cheese lawyer dude thinks it's okay to scream at employees and slam doors and make life generally miserable just because something didn't go his way.
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  • edited December 2011
    Like I said Jeana, I'd hate the micromanaging and the awful lawyer man too.  They suck.  I agree that this job just isn't a good fit for you anymore, and that's fine.  At least you have some wiggle room in trying to find a better solution for you, you have some options.

    paint: presumably, if you are working but don't need a job, you are working because it's what you want to do.  In which case, I would imagine that you'd feel grateful for being able to do what you want to do in life.  If someone is working a job she hates and doesn't need, then I think the fault is entirely on her for not pursuing what she really wants.
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  • edited December 2011
    You're absolutely right, Noelle. And I AM really grateful that I have the opportunity (for just about the first time in my life) to make choices about my employment.

    I dunno, maybe I need to show my appreciation to FI a little better. I thank him all the time for his help keeping up with housework and making enough money to keep us and our kittens happy and healthy and making sure we have a nice apartment and we don't really have to worry about much.

    We don't have all the money in the world, but we live very comfortably within reason. And it's because he worked hard to get to this point and he's never, ever complained.

    I have such an awesome guy. Maybe I SHOULD bake him some cookies. Or... at least buy some. Since I'm working and all. Undecided

    lol
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  • edited December 2011
    Send some cookies this way.
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  • edited December 2011
    Wonder what kind I should buy.

    I could buy nice bakery cookies and say "Thank you for putting up with my crap. Have a cookie."

    Problem is, he'll eat them all in one sitting.
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  • edited December 2011
    Problem sovled

    image image image image 
    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
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  • edited December 2011
    I don't know... I'm still in the verbal bitch-slap camp.  He doesn't want you to quit because he wants the money for games and eating out, but then he complains because he doesn't get to spend enough time with you because you're so busy with work and school? It's one or the other, buddy.  Plus, he really does need to understand that doing well in school is a priority for you.  There'd be ice-skating in hell before I baked cookies at this point Wink
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  • edited December 2011
    Yeah, that's really the issue. He wants to have his cake and eat it, too. Why can't I just quit and concentrate on school? It would be easier on me mentally and emotionally. I am very easily stressed, and I'll just say it: I'm a procrastinator.

    He'd get the benefits of more time with a non-stressed Jeana, and actual healthy, home-cooked meals (and cookies). I would LOVE to do that. I enjoy being at home and getting things done. I'd love to have a clean apartment and time to sit out on my porch to do my reading assignments instead of having to cram the night before an exam because I didn't have time at work to read.

    It's hard for me to explain WHY school is important to me. It always has been. I'm a perfectionist. I see a 4.0 as a challenge. I'd be so incredibly THRILLED to graduate with honors. I didn't in high school because I was young and lazy and just didn't want to do the work. Now I WANT to.

    I waited 6 years to be able to pay for college (through my own money and student loans). I worked full-time, I hated my job. I knew I could do so much better, and that was so frustrating. But I didn't qualify for any sort of aid until I was considered "independent" (which is like, 24 years old or something).

    Now, here I am. 26. Two more years to go. I have a cumulative 3.8 GPA. I have a 4.0 in my major requirement classes (damn that calculus class back in the day). I LOVE my classes. I LOVE doing projects. I always wanted to do something where I could SEE a physical end result. I want to create things. This is all perfect for me.

    And it's hard to share it with him. He doesn't see that. He's very business-minded. That's great. We're two different people. We can have different interests.

    But we have SO MUCH in common otherwise. It's always a challenge (for both of us) when we can't relate on something. Especially something that's so incredibly important to me, and kind of central to who I am as a person: perfectionist, creative, workaholic.

    I'm spreading myself too thin, and he doesn't see that as a problem. I do. I want to devote more of myself to the things I'm learning, and the projects I'm doing. I WANT to give it 100%. Not 90%.

    Dang, I'm posting some long posts. I guess I just have a lot on my mind. Sealed
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  • edited December 2011
    It's ok Jeana.  I don't usually get that annoyed...it's just a button of mine today, and it got pushed.  I'm sure I'll get over it in a few days time when the shock of the news wears off a bit, and FI is hopeful that it won't happen still.  He's much more optimistic than I am; I'm *way* cynical.

    I agree with Noelle about the boss and the environment.  It sounds like it sucks, and I would definitely look for a different job if you choose to continue working.  Best of luck finding one though.  Not sure about where you are, but the job market here (even for minimum wage McDonald's type jobs) is shite.

    And your FI really does need to come to grips with the fact that if you're going to continue to work, you're going to have to do homework at home much of the time.  If he wants to hang out and play games, you need to live off his salary, or maybe you could take like a 1-afternoon-a-week sitting job or something just to have a little cash, though I'm not sure it'd be enough to matter.  Point is, you need to tell him your priorities and you both need to figure out a way to make that work.  But you've always been good at communicating, so I'm sure you'll figure it out.  :-)
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