Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart??

acl2012

So, just a little background. I'm graduating from college this year and will be enetering law school in Fall 2011. My boyfriend and I have seriously talked about getting married and know that we are it for each other. We talked about getting married in the summer of 2012. We are not officially engaged because we don't want a long engagement, a year at most. However, I have started to kind of plan the wedding, but like tentatively. Like, I've been getting a feel for the costs and have the wedding party's dresses picked out and all that. However, nothing is ordered and nothing is booked, and nothing is set in stone. I just figured I want to have mostly everything picked out because I know that my first year in law school will be extremely hectic and I seriously doubt that I'll have much spare time to be planning a wedding. So, essentially I'm tentatively planning the wedding and will set things in stone once I am officially engaged. My SO is okay with me doing this, and he agrees that I won't have much time, so it is a pretty smart thing to have things basically picked out and know the kind of styles and such that I want, guest list, venue, etc., but I wanted to know from you ladies if you think it's smart or just plain crazy. So, I would greatly appreciate any advice on if I should slow my roll or exactly how hectic planning and executing gets so that I am prepared for that amongst my first year classes and such. I do ask, however, that comments about my age and such and your views on the timing of our expected marriage be kept to yourself as we have thought about it and discussed it with each other and feel this is the best course of action for us. If you disagree, I respect that, but I ask that you not bring that up in this thread. Thank you all!!

AL

AudgiePodge

Do people not read the stickies at the top of the board? And dictating how people post in 'your' thread makes you come off as a brat. Juss sayin.

Ana_2985

If you want to start planning now why don't you just want to be engaged now? Why is planning a wedding for a long time without being engaged better than planning a wedding for a long time without being engaged?

I didn't vote because I don't think it's crazy or smart. It's just weird to me. If your BF knows and is okay with it I guess it's fine, it just doesn't make sense to me.

ETA: I do agree with the others though- when something isn't officially booked it's really easy to change your mind. So until you're really ready to book, buy, and order things you could end up just wasting a lot of time.

acl2012

Sunbird627:
Wow! You def make me feel A LOT better about still having time to plan. With that in mind, I will def have peace of mind and not feel the need to plan so far in advance, and I appreciate you relaying your experiences to me. I will take your advice and slow my roll a bit. =]

AudgiePodge: I apologize. I did read the post, although it wasn't right before I made my post, so I had forgotten that bit. I did not mean to come off that way and apologize if I did.

heyimbren

Ditto Audgie and Sunbird on all their points.

Wedding planning is only as stressful and complicated as you make it. For example (and this is just an example, not my personal opinion), but your wedding party doesn't need matching dresses. If you don't have the time to put into that, you can easily just give them a colour and have them pick their own. There are little ways to cut back on the time you spend planning.

Also, prices and styles will change a lot over the next couple years until 2012. So you really aren't doing any favours by pre-planning right now. Slow your roll. There will be time for this later. Life is all about priorities and time management, and right now a wedding isn't on the table yet.

bethsmiles

If you want longer to plan get engaged sooner. Don't plan before you get engaged. I agree 100% with the PPs. Please read the stickies at the top of the page! We get a question like this at least once a week and we always give the same answers.

palmettogirl924

If you don't feel like getting engaged now, then it's too soon to start planning.

EDIT: Just read your intro on the "sticky", and you're only 19, and him 20. I think you are doing way too much, way to soon. He's about to be a PHD student, you a law student, and you've been together for 8 months... there is no harm in waiting... at all. You minds should be on school for the time being. Law school isn't easy by any means.

Also, what exactaly are you planning? Are you putting deposits down? Looking into costs this far ahead is a waste of time, for one costs typically change each year... your ideal venue, dress, BM dresses, etc. will change in time. Especially if the date your are hoping for isn't available at your desired venue.

acl2012

I did read the stickies, and the only reason why I asked was because I felt like I wouldn't have time to plan during law school when I'd actually be engaged. Otherwise I would not have asked. So, I suppose it was more a matter of the amount of time and such required to plan since my fear was that I wouldn't have time. But sunbird has kind of answered that for me.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-im-being-crazy-smart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a16daa6e-2e8e-47a7-827f-8a89a2c6699cPost:8ba10a45-b677-48c5-9a8b-3719c1eedc3a">Re: Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart??</a>:
[QUOTE]I did read the stickies, and the only reason why I asked was because I felt like I wouldn't have time to plan during law school when I'd actually be engaged. Otherwise I would not have asked. So, I suppose it was more a matter of the amount of time and such required to plan since my fear was that I wouldn't have time. But sunbird has kind of answered that for me.
Posted by acl2012[/QUOTE]

There's a poster on here who's engaged and she's in her first year of law school right now. They're having a longer engagement, I believe. But she might have some more specific advice for you.

bethsmiles

You should stick around here. There are people who have been in similar situations as you who can give you great advice and keep you level headed when it comes to anything wedding/engagement related.

**Mutley**

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-im-being-crazy-smart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a16daa6e-2e8e-47a7-827f-8a89a2c6699cPost:b3fed9a6-7a9d-4ce6-bf49-a233e91723e7">Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart??</a>:
[QUOTE]So, just a little background. I'm graduating from college this year and will be enetering law school in Fall 2011. My boyfriend and I have seriously talked about getting married and know that we are it for each other. We talked about getting married in the summer of 2012. We are not officially engaged because we don't want a long engagement, a year at most. However, I have started to kind of plan the wedding, but like tentatively. Like, I've been getting a feel for the costs and have the wedding party's dresses picked out and all that. However, nothing is ordered and nothing is booked, and nothing is set in stone. I just figured I want to have mostly everything picked out because I know that my first year in law school will be extremely hectic and I seriously doubt that I'll have much spare time to be planning a wedding. So, essentially I'm tentatively planning the wedding and will set things in stone once I am officially engaged. My SO is okay with me doing this, and he agrees that I won't have much time, so it is a pretty smart thing to have things basically picked out and know the kind of styles and such that I want, guest list, venue, etc., but I wanted to know from you ladies if you think it's smart or just plain crazy. So, I would greatly appreciate any advice on if I should slow my roll or exactly how hectic planning and executing gets so that I am prepared for that amongst my first year classes and such. <strong>I do ask, however, that comments about my age and such and your views on the timing of our expected marriage be kept to yourself as we have thought about it and discussed it with each other and feel this is the best course of action for us.</strong> If you disagree, I respect that, but I ask that you not bring that up in this thread. Thank you all!! AL
Posted by acl2012[/QUOTE]

So you've already been accepted to law school?  Interesting.  I was unaware that people got accepted this early.

I think you are crazy.  I think that while you and your boyfriend have agreed to get married in 2012, you are putting a lot of pressure on your relationship by trying to pre-plan your wedding. 

I will never understand any reasoning/excuses for planning a wedding before you consider yourself engaged.  What is the point of getting 'engaged' if you have already started planning the wedding?   

There is no point in planning if you are not going to set anything into motion until you are engaged.  If you do not have a venue, you do not have a date.  Also a lot of decisions depend on your venue and how it feels. 


<a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/9/12/294ae27a-e446-4665-9cf4-41126cfcd009.large.gif" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '294ae27a-e446-4665-9cf4-41126cfcd009', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));" class="PhotoLink"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/9/12/294ae27a-e446-4665-9cf4-41126cfcd009.medium.gif" alt="" /></a> <-- bolded section

P.S. I think that picking out bridesmaid dresses without your BM's input sucks monkey balls.  And if you have already asked your bridal party and gotten their input, you are definitely BSC.  

SeaTea02

How are you 19 and graduating in the spring? I am 20, young for my class, and I am a junior in college.

And how is he about to be a PhD student at 20??? Last time I checked you needed and undergrad and a masters to go get a PhD.

This would have made you 16 when you started college and him 14. Please explain this to me.

bethsmiles

I didn't catch that part that Mutley bolded. There are several girls on here who are young, myself and bren for example. If you post maturely your age will most likely brought up, if your posts are immature then your age will get brought up. This is an international public forum people are going to voice any opinions they want.

**Mutley**

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_introduce-yourself-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:08787e48-8a3e-4792-8700-ef1d66b164fbPost:10c2224a-962e-4ad3-9de6-dda2818c08f4">Re: Introduce Yourself Here!</a>:
[QUOTE]Screen Name: acl2012
Age: <strong><font color="#ff0000">19 </font></strong>
Significant Other's Age: <strong><font color="#ff0000">20 </font></strong>
What You Do: undergrad senior, soon to be first year law student
What SO Does: undergrad senior, soon to be first year phd student
State of Relationship: Dating, know we're going to marry each other
How Long You've Been Together: <font color="#ff0000"><strong>8 months </strong></font>
Favorite Color: orange and yellow
Favorite Thing About Your SO: His kind heart
Least Favorite Thing About Your SO: His inability to remember things
Hobbies/Activities: Singing, volleyball, volunteering
Describe Your Personality: I'm pretty honest, but try not to do it in a mean way. I'm hard working, semi-organized, and an extreme planner.
Snark Level (1 [low snark] - 10 [high snark]): maybe 3?
Posted by acl2012[/QUOTE]


<a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/9/14/09725813-73da-461b-9e19-169a0e0119a4.large.jpg" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '09725813-73da-461b-9e19-169a0e0119a4', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));" class="PhotoLink"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/9/14/09725813-73da-461b-9e19-169a0e0119a4.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>

ravenray

Mutley- I really love the red flag!

acl- even though I am not engaged now I got a little crazy when my BF first started talking about marriage.  I went a looked up dresses and hairstyles and colors.   But then after reading lots of posts on here I realized that I was selling myself short by trying to plan, even tentatively, now instead of waiting when you are engaged.  Where is the fun of planning things with your BFF or your mom or FMIL?  You don't get to do that because you have already planned it all out.  It seems to me that no matter how busy you are in school you always have time to do the things you care about.

 I don't think you have anything to worry about.  I would wait till you are engaged.  I think you will have more fun and will be happier in the long run.

deburnin

Who's the lurker who picked smart?

I agree with PPs on all counts. I don't understand being against a long engagement, but being for planning. That just seems very, very odd to me. What's wrong with a long engagement?

Not to mention you've only been together 8 months? Jeez. Slow your roll, definitely.

GeauxTigers17

Since I completely agree with everyone else on the other points, I'll just address this one. I'm a 3L, and you have no idea: an academic mack truck is about to hit you. You can't understand it until you've been there. It sucks. Friends will think you dropped off the face of the earth and you won't talk to your mom for weeks while you're studying for finals. 

I know it sounds dramatic, but your first year grades will likely determine the job you ultimately get. They are way too important to balance with something that can wait, like a wedding. I got hired by the firm that I worked for over the summer, and they initially hired me for this past summer when I first started by 2L year: and all they had to go on was my first year grades. That first year, school needs to be your only major focus. 

DO NOT try to plan a wedding while you're a 1L. To me, that's crazier than planning a wedding before you're engaged....which is pretty crazy. Unless you're completely willing to cede the planning to other people, and most brides aren't, then I'd postpone this shindig at least until a school break during 2L. I'd even put it off to 3L year...if your fiancé sees you go through law school and still loves you, you KNOW it's for keeps. Alright, I'm a little kidding on the last one, but the stress is extremely hard on spouses and significant others. 

loves2shop4shoes

Oh boy...

Ok, well I will preface this post with saying that I'm 22, have been engaged for 3 months, FI and I have been together for over 3 years, am a 1L, and am having a 2 year engagement.  SLOW YOUR ROLL.

Honestly, even without you entering law school and your BF entering a PhD program, you're moving WAY too quickly.  You're young.  You've been with your BF for 8 MONTHS.  While he may very well be "the one", it's WAY too soon to be talking marriage.  Give it another year or 3.  Trust me, a LOT will change.

As for law school, it will really be a test on your relationship.  At the very beginning of the semetser, FI and I fought more during a one month span than we did in the past 2 years.  It was a huge adjustment.  I barely talk to my friends outside of school.  I talk to my family less frequently...usually only when I need a good cry (which is at LEAST once a week.)  There's no way I'd be able to plan a wedding now, so FI and I haven't done ANY wedding planning since September...all we have decided was a venue, date, and budget.  We're doing all of the heavy lifting during winter and summer breaks. 

Honestly, I'd recommend waiting a few years to enter law school too.  It's something you have to be academically, emotionally, and mentally READY for.  And honestly, even if you think you are now, you really cannot appreciate the profundity of what I'm saying until you're there. The workload is completely overwhelming.  The people SUCK.  And everything rides on your first year grades.

Some examples:  I was in the library yesterday for 13.5 hours.  I plan on arriving today by 10am and leaving at 11pm.  It takes between 15 mins. and 1 hour (depending on how fast you read/comfortable you are with the material) to read ONE case...and you'll get an average of four cases to read per night PER CLASS. 

Really, a wedding should be the LEAST of your worries right now.

ETA:  I've seen perfectly responsible, nice people develop nasty little drinking and coke problems in under 3 months.  Think about what kind of stress that takes.

calindi

Most everything that everyone else said.

And I'm guessing you're the only one who voted "smart".

Look, no one will say your relationship won't work because you're young and moving fast, but those two factors are definitely not in your favor.  It's great that you've met someone you want to marry, and that's a really great thing to have in your life, but each stage is wonderful for its own reason.  Enjoy this stage.

Law school is tough from beginning to end.  First, studying for the LSAT exam will be tough and time consuming.  I saw my boyfriend very rarely when he pulled his head out of his LSAT book to shove some dinner in his mouth.  After he took the LSAT, we had a few months of applying and visiting law schools, which can be considered a calm before the storm.  Once September starts, that first semester will be the most time consuming, stressful thing you've likely ever been through.  A relationship changes going through an experience like that - it's very different than college.  You both need to do what's best for your own careers - so choosing schools based on the other's geographic region will be extremely limiting.  There's a point in your life when compromise is okay and necessary, but when you're still setting up the foundation for your life, it's not fair to yourself.  One of you will likely end up compromising your top choice and possibly resenting the other for holding you back. 

Do what's best for each of you, finish school, and sometime towards the end get engaged.  Planning a wedding during law school, especially your first year, is a dumb idea.  If you MUST do it in law school, do it after the summer after your second year.

And don't start planning until you're engaged - that's one thing I've learned around here.  So many things change, and it'll only frustrate you if you get your heart set on something that turns out won't work.

acl2012

Well, to clarofy some of the many questions about ages and school. I graduated high school with my AA, so I'll graduate college a month before I turn 20. He is from England, and when he came over, he skipped 10th grade, so he'll graduate after he turns 21. He's studying chemistry, so, he doesn't need a MA, he just goes straight to get his PhD. We're actually not choosing schools close to each other because we think that's stupid. We're going where we feel we're led to go. I'm actually used to a crap ton of work since I go to an Honors College where classes are exponentially harder. I am used to reading cases, and I'm currently writing a thesis, and I've already taken my LSAT. As far as the amount of time we've been together, we don't feel like it's too short, especially since his brother and sister-in-law got engaged after 2 months, and his sister and brother-in-law after two weeks. The reasoning behind us not wanting a long engagement and wanting to be married sooner rather than later when we're in school is because we are both Christian and abstaining from sex and all that and don't sleep in the same bed and what not and won't until we're married. It is an extremely difficult task, but we are committed to it, but it does make us want to het hitched a bit quicker since at moments it gets a bit totrutous. I know we're both young, but I assure you all that I've been through more in my short life than many people who are twice my age. And because of my stage in life, I'm more like 22 rather than 19.

With that being said, I do greatly appreciate all of the advice you ladies are giving me. You all seem to know what you're talking about, and I will definitely heed it! (Which is why I posted my questions here) So I thank you all very very much!

Ps. I wasn't the one who clicked smart. I didn't vote in my own poll since I think it kind of defeats the purpose of getting other people's opinions. =]

MLekathLEEN

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-im-being-crazy-smart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a16daa6e-2e8e-47a7-827f-8a89a2c6699cPost:35abcc1d-2058-43aa-ae18-2b4031a858cd">Re: Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart??</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, to clarofy some of the many questions about ages and school. I graduated high school with my AA, so I'll graduate college a month before I turn 20. He is from England, and when he came over, he skipped 10th grade, so he'll graduate after he turns 21. He's studying chemistry, so, he doesn't need a MA, he just goes straight to get his PhD. We're actually not choosing schools close to each other because we think that's stupid. We're going where we feel we're led to go. I'm actually used to a crap ton of work since I go to an Honors College where classes are exponentially harder. I am used to reading cases, and I'm currently writing a thesis, and I've already taken my LSAT. As far as the amount of time we've been together, we don't feel like it's too short, especially since his brother and sister-in-law got engaged after 2 months, and his sister and brother-in-law after two weeks. The reasoning behind us not wanting a long engagement and wanting to be married sooner rather than later when we're in school is because we are both Christian and abstaining from sex and all that and don't sleep in the same bed and what not and won't until we're married. It is an extremely difficult task, but we are committed to it, but it does make us want to het hitched a bit quicker since at moments it gets a bit totrutous.<strong> I know we're both young, but I assure you all that I've been through more in my short life than many people who are twice my age. And because of my stage in life, I'm more like 22 rather than 19.</strong> With that being said, I do greatly appreciate all of the advice you ladies are giving me. You all seem to know what you're talking about, and I will definitely heed it! (Which is why I posted my questions here) So I thank you all very very much! Ps. I wasn't the one who clicked smart. I didn't vote in my own poll since I think it kind of defeats the purpose of getting other people's opinions. =]
Posted by acl2012[/QUOTE]

OHHH so you're very mature for your age. I haven't heard that one before. Go ahead with the planning, we know nothing.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-im-being-crazy-smart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a16daa6e-2e8e-47a7-827f-8a89a2c6699cPost:35abcc1d-2058-43aa-ae18-2b4031a858cd">Re: Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart??</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, to clarofy some of the many questions about ages and school. I graduated high school with my AA, so I'll graduate college a month before I turn 20. He is from England, and when he came over, he skipped 10th grade, so he'll graduate after he turns 21. He's studying chemistry, so, he doesn't need a MA, he just goes straight to get his PhD. We're actually not choosing schools close to each other because we think that's stupid. We're going where we feel we're led to go. I'm actually used to a crap ton of work since I go to an Honors College where classes are exponentially harder. I am used to reading cases, and I'm currently writing a thesis, and I've already taken my LSAT. As far as the amount of time we've been together, we don't feel like it's too short, especially since his brother and sister-in-law got engaged after 2 months, and his sister and brother-in-law after two weeks. The reasoning behind us not wanting a long engagement and wanting to be married sooner rather than later when we're in school is because we are both Christian and abstaining from sex and all that and don't sleep in the same bed and what not and won't until we're married. It is an extremely difficult task, but we are committed to it, but it does make us want to het hitched a bit quicker since at moments it gets a bit totrutous. I know we're both young, but I assure you all that I've been through more in my short life than many people who are twice my age. And because of my stage in life, I'm more like 22 rather than 19. With that being said, I do greatly appreciate all of the advice you ladies are giving me. You all seem to know what you're talking about, and I will definitely heed it! (Which is why I posted my questions here) So I thank you all very very much! Ps. I wasn't the one who clicked smart. I didn't vote in my own poll since I think it kind of defeats the purpose of getting other people's opinions. =]
Posted by acl2012[/QUOTE]

Those clarifications don't change anything. I guarantee they won't change anyone's advice to you on here.

If you choose to go to schools further away from each other, will you post pone the wedding? Will you have a long-distance marriage?

You aren't the only Christian whose waiting to have sex after marriage. People do it all the time. That's no reason to rush into marriage. It's difficult, but it isn't impossible and I just don't see the difference between waiting an extra year to have sex when waiting that extra year can make a world of good in character and in your relationship.

Going through difficult times and maturing quickly doesn't necessarily make it a good idea to get married younger. The two really aren't related.

It's nice that you're intelligent, and that will help you later on but so is everyone who gets into law school. It's different, that's the point the other ladies were trying to make. It's a big adjustment.

acl2012

I know. It wasn't meant to be a rude thing or anything like that. There were just questions about things, so, I wanted to clarify, but if you read the bottom, I said I would heed your advice because you all seem to know what you're talking about...I wasn't trying to get any change on advice. But I realized I forgot to answer the question about why we're against the long engagement, which is because we know it will be tremendously harder to abstain, and we also don't think it's a big deal for everyone to know we're going to get married right now. Since we know, that's enough. But, let me end this by saying that none of the last two posts were meant to try and say that you're advice should change or make it void. They were just answers to questions and concerns.

PaigeMcC

Ditto PPs.

Slow your roll, girl.

loves2shop4shoes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-im-being-crazy-smart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a16daa6e-2e8e-47a7-827f-8a89a2c6699cPost:35abcc1d-2058-43aa-ae18-2b4031a858cd">Re: Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart??</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, to clarofy some of the many questions about ages and school. I graduated high school with my AA, so I'll graduate college a month before I turn 20. He is from England, and when he came over, he skipped 10th grade, so he'll graduate after he turns 21. He's studying chemistry, so, he doesn't need a MA, he just goes straight to get his PhD. We're actually not choosing schools close to each other because we think that's stupid. We're going where we feel we're led to go. <strong>I'm actually used to a crap ton of work since I go to an Honors College where classes are exponentially harder.</strong> I am used to reading cases, and I'm currently writing a thesis, and I've already taken my LSAT. As far as the amount of time we've been together, <strong>we don't feel like it's too short, especially since his brother and sister-in-law got engaged after 2 months, and his sister and brother-in-law after two weeks.</strong> <strong>The reasoning behind us not wanting a long engagement and wanting to be married sooner rather than later when we're in school is because we are both Christian and abstaining from sex and all that and don't sleep in the same bed and what not and won't until we're married.</strong> It is an extremely difficult task, but we are committed to it, but it does make us want to het hitched a bit quicker since at moments it gets a bit totrutous.<strong> I know we're both young, but I assure you all that I've been through more in my short life than many people who are twice my age.</strong> And because of my stage in life, I'm more like 22 rather than 19. With that being said, I do greatly appreciate all of the advice you ladies are giving me. You all seem to know what you're talking about, and I will definitely heed it! (Which is why I posted my questions here) So I thank you all very very much! Ps. I wasn't the one who clicked smart. I didn't vote in my own poll since I think it kind of defeats the purpose of getting other people's opinions. =]
Posted by acl2012[/QUOTE]

Oh Jesus.

1)  If you think ANY amount of work you've done in undergrad is even CLOSE to what you'll be dealing with in law school, you're on glue.  I went to a very good private university in Boston and I've done more work in 3 months of law school than I did in 4 years of undergrad combined.

2)  I fail to see how the stupid decisions of siblings to get engaged after knowing someone for a short time frame makes your decision a better one.  (Yes, for the record...I believe getting engaged after 2 months or 2 WEEKS is stupid!)  It doesn't matter how their marriages worked out...they took a complete shot in the dark.  Just because someone took a shot in the dark and it works doesn't mean it's a good idea.

3) I don't want to get into a theological debate.  But serious, FFS, wanting to have sex is NOT a reason to get married sooner.  I double majored in college, and one of my majors was Religion.  I want you to know that NOWHERE in the Bible does it prohibit premarital sex.  The Bible speaks against adultery and "sexual immorality" but nowhere does it say "Thou shalt not have premarital sex." 

Furthermore, if you do want to overinterpret the Bible, that's your business.  But answer me this:  how strictly DO you follow the Bible?  Do you ACTUALLY know what it says?  If you're going to live your life around Biblical interpretation, does that mean you also refuse to wear clothing made of two kinds of material?  (In Leviticus 19:19, it forbids people from wearing clothing made from 2 kinds of material.)

If you want to abstain from premarital sex because your religion frowns upon it or for personal reasons, that's your business...but know that that's NEVER an excuse to rush into marriage.

4) If you really think that it's ok to get engaged after 8 months BECAUSE your ILs got engaged after 2 months and 2 weeks respectively, you're not mature enough to get married.  Period.

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-im-being-crazy-smart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a16daa6e-2e8e-47a7-827f-8a89a2c6699cPost:ecc29be2-a4c6-4a87-8fab-609db06fd051">Re: Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart??</a>:
[QUOTE]I know. It wasn't meant to be a rude thing or anything like that. There were just questions about things, so, I wanted to clarify, but if you read the bottom, I said I would heed your advice because you all seem to know what you're talking about...I wasn't trying to get any change on advice. But I realized I forgot to answer the question about why we're against the long engagement, which is because we know it will be tremendously harder to abstain, and we also don't think it's a big deal for everyone to know we're going to get married right now. Since we know, that's enough. But, let me end this by saying that none of the last two posts were meant to try and say that you're advice should change or make it void. They were just answers to questions and concerns.
Posted by acl2012[/QUOTE]

 You know, your posts actually do give me more respect for you in some ways.  You aren't lashing out and screaming that we just don't understand you - sure, you made the argument that you're more mature than most people your age, which is a common response, but you didn't throw a hissy fit.  So in that sense, I'm inclined to believe that you actually might be mature for 19.  But you're still 19.

And I'm really glad to hear that you're both going to pick schools that are best for you.  That's really important, and a mature decision, also.

I still suggest you wait until the summer after your 2nd year of law school at the least, which sounds like it would be 2013 - the extra year will be invaluable, and allow you to really focus on your 1L year, which is TOUGH!  Doesn't matter how smart you are, it's intense.  Actually, I think it has a lot more to do with how well you deal with stress and how good you are at self discipline more than how smart you are.

I get that it's hard to abstain - I admire you for the commitment to such a hard decision, even while I don't understand it.  However, as a mature individual, you have to realize that your main reason you've given here for why you're in such a rush is sex.  And you must realize that's not a particularly good reason to rush. In fact, it's probably a sign that you need to take your time all the more to get through the honeymoon period and make sure it's lasting love rather than lust driving your decision.

oceana919

SLOW YOUR ROLL.

1) Do not plan if you're not engaged. What you think you want now will likely change, often dramatically, by the time you are actually engaged. Not to mention, you will recieve input from a wide variety of sources (your BMs, mothers, friends, etc.) that may be worth considering.

2) If you are already planning your wedding in earnest, you are pretty much engaged. Or you're putting the cart waaaaaaaaaaaaay before the horse.

3) Speeding up an engagment/marriage just so you can have sex is the absolutely wrong way to do things. Not having sex is hard, yes. So is life. If you're mature enough to be married, you're mature enough to keep your libido in check.

4) I had my bachelor's degree at 20, and I went through a lot of crap in my life in those 20 years. I still was not in a position (mentally, physically, financially, developmentally, maturity-wise) to get married. I didn't realize that fact until I was 25. Same goes for FI. Give yourself some time to grow, mature, experience more life, both as individuals and as a couple. All it can do is strengthen your relationship.

5) I'm currently working on my Ph.D. I can't vouch for law school, but I can say with absolute certainty that working on a science-field Ph.D. is a total bitch. Your stress levels will be through the roof, you'll be overwhelmed, you'll have more on your plate than you have time to accomplish. The best thing you can do for yourself (and your SO) is to allow yourself some time to get immersed in your respective programs, get settled, and figure out a pace of life that works for you. It's taken me a good two years to figure out how to make my life work with two full time jobs and a Ph.D. workload (lab and coursework) and a family without going insane. 

6) Just because you know two people who rushed into marriage doesn't mean that is going to work for you. I also know two people who got engaged after only a few months - they're both divorced.

7) You can plan a wedding while you are in graduate school...HOWEVER, it is in your best interest to allow yourself EXTRA TIME. ie. HAVE A LONG ENGAGEMENT. If you try and rush-plan your wedding around graduate school and jobs, you will literally drive yourself insane. We originally wanted a six month engagement - we settled on 1 1/2 years, and it was the best damn decision we ever made. It's enough time to plan a wedding without going crazy, prepare ourselves for marriage, and still actually have a chance to enjoy our engagement.

Lastly, telling people:

a) you're so much more mature for your age than other people your age,
b) claiming your short relationship will work just because other random people's have,
c) telling people how they should respond to your post,

...is a great way to assert the idea that you are BSC. Just saying.

Blue & White

The first year of law school isn't enough to kill you.  And wedding planning isn't going to take your entire life away.

Since you haven't graduated yet, you have no idea whether you'll even make it as a couple outside in the "real world"..just sayin. 

That being said, I don't want to discourage the relationship entirely.  But if you are planning a wedding, you should already be engaged.  Sounds like the BF isn't ready for that yet.

Also, I know you want to be a lawyer and all, but this arrangement sounds a little like there could be an ultimatum involved - that's really bad news for a relationship.  So I'd recommend rescinding that immediately if that is the case.

acl2012

Loves2shop4shoes, I do not wish to get into a religious debate, which is what I feared would occur if I denoted my faith and I apparently should have went with my gut and kept my mouth shut. But since I did not, all I will say back is that yes, I know what the Bible says. And I do try to follow it. That is as far as I'm taking this conversation, though. Like I said, I don't want a debate, I created this post so that I could get advice from people who have been there and done that who would tell it to me straight and help me not be a crazy person.

And also, I was not trying to say that just because others got married earlier, it's ok for me to get married earlier. I was just pointing out that it can work out, although I know that it also cannot work out. But so can people who were together for years before getting engaged.

Also, you guys have definitely made me think about a lot, and I greatly appreciate it. You have definitely helped me know that posting on here was the right thing to do, and you have made me realize that things may not go the way we have them planned, but that it's ok. And also, to wait to really truly plan. I will ask, however, since I love weddings, whether it's mine or someone else's, that if I get carried away, you help me come back to reality so that I am not crazy.

Again, I appreciate all of the advice, and I am taking everything you all have said into consideration. =]

acl2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-im-being-crazy-smart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a16daa6e-2e8e-47a7-827f-8a89a2c6699cPost:c56b4e10-0f25-4339-b987-2a808dde8df4">Re: Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart??</a>:
[QUOTE]The first year of law school isn't enough to kill you.  And wedding planning isn't going to take your entire life away. Since you haven't graduated yet, you have no idea whether you'll even make it as a couple outside in the "real world"..just sayin.  That being said, I don't want to discourage the relationship entirely.  But if you are planning a wedding, you should already be engaged.  Sounds like the BF isn't ready for that yet.<strong> Also, I know you want to be a lawyer and all, but this arrangement sounds a little like there could be an ultimatum involved - that's really bad news for a relationship.  So I'd recommend rescinding that immediately if that is the case.</strong>
Posted by Blue & White[/QUOTE]


I assure you that there is not an ultimatum. He's the one who brought marriage up first and wanted to get married earlier. I had actually thought we wouldn't until after I graduated from law school, but then one day it turned into us getting married the summer after our first years. But anyway, no worries. No ultimatums. I don't like ultimatums. I feel they definitely do not make for a good relationship. =]

heyimbren

Just a couple more thoughts...

First of all, I agree with Cate that your responses (while a bit cliche at times) are actually decent responses. You aren't freaking out which is nice. Props to you for that. I'm glad to see you aren't taking things the wrong way, because it sounds like our situations are extremely similar. Except that I already opted not to get engaged/married right now for the reasons given.

Finances are another thing to seriously consider. You're looking at law school, he's looking at getting his PhD... plus there's the wedding and living expenses. This stuff is all expesnive, and when I started to seriously realize that it definitely makes it easier to put things off for a bit knowing the peace of mind I'll have finanically in the long run.

Shoes, I know you don't want to get into a theological debate on it, but I completely disagree with a lot of what you said on the religious point. Studying religion is exteremely different from living it, and while I respect the point you were trying to make I think the point made really won't apply to the OP. So I'll politely disagree with you on that one.