Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart??

heyimbren

I hate to post twice in a row, but ACL I encourage you to go over to the Christian Weddings board if you want encouragement regarding waiting. It isn't as active as this board for example, but the girls over there are really good for being in the same boat.

CASK85

Ah, the ol' Christian standby "we're abstaining from sex and want to get married so we can do it". . . this is by far one of the worst reasons to rush into marriage. Either have faith that God will see you through the temptations until you are truly ready for marriage or "do it" so you can wait to get married until you're truly ready without having to deal with the temptation that is motivating your decisions. . . and having temptation motivate your decision making process is probably sinful too.  

SeaTea02

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-im-being-crazy-smart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a16daa6e-2e8e-47a7-827f-8a89a2c6699cPost:6ab10707-eb92-4172-8d79-3a768653c9d1">Re: Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart??</a>:
[QUOTE]Ah, the ol' Christian standby "we're abstaining from sex and want to get married so we can do it". . . this is by far one of the worst reasons to rush into marriage. Either have faith that God will see you through the temptations until you are truly ready for marriage or "do it" so you can wait to get married until you're truly ready without having to deal with the temptation that is motivating your decisions. . . and having temptation motivate your decision making process is probably sinful too.  
Posted by cschiano[/QUOTE]

This.

And I agree with Shoes.

Further, how do you plan on supporting yourself while in school and married? Working full time and going to law school/ getting a PhD is doubly stressful. My BF is getting an accelerated masters so he has 2 masters courses and the rest undergrad and he works 15 hours a week. He is so stressed and has no time for anything.  I don't believe in getting married unless you can be 100% financially independent of your parents, otherwise what is the point?

calindi

SeaTea, you can't work in law school, at least not the 1st year - it's against the American Bar Association rules for 1Ls to be gainfully employed.  They give you enough loans to cover cost of living (sort of).  BF had a 20-hour per week job earlier this semester, and it nearly killed him (and me).  He's not going to try that again... and this is someone who worked 45+ hours per week all through college with a full course load!

CASK85

SeaTea and others -- I don't know about the OPs BF's PhD program, but in my program we get full tuition covered and a yearly stipend in the mid-$20,000 range. This isn't a lot of money, but I live pretty comfortably (for a student). Not that this necessarily means the OP will have financial independence (I have no idea) but he might have some money coming in. . . it is common for science PhDs. 

SeaTea02

Is that how the college pays you for doing research? Every PhD student gets full tuition and stipend? That seems really expensive for the college, no? 

acl2012

Yes, he will receive $28,000 yearly and full benefits, not to mention the close to $20,000 he has in savings, so, we would be financially secure. And I realize that I was the one who stupidly made it seem like the only reason we want to get married sooner is sex, but it isn't. Although, I do appreciate you all reminding me that if that is the main reason, we are definitely not ready for marriage. And I apprecaite the advice to check out the Christian Weddings board. I'll definitely have to do that. Again, I really appreciate all the advice and help. You are definitely helping me put more things into perspective!

CASK85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-im-being-crazy-smart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a16daa6e-2e8e-47a7-827f-8a89a2c6699cPost:2ad0b753-aeb5-46da-8bb1-8b542594eec9">Re: Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart??</a>:
[QUOTE]Is that how the college pays you for doing research? Every PhD student gets full tuition and stipend? That seems really expensive for the college, no? 
Posted by SeaTea02[/QUOTE]
Well the university pays for us for the first 1.5 years, after that our PhD advisors have to take over our tuition and stipend. They pay for us off their grants. . . so technically it is "expensive" for the government, but the idea is is that we are learning, but also contributing to the field through our research. Does that makes sense? <div>
</div><div>Also, apparently this is me (but I don't care too much)</div>
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Ana_2985

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-im-being-crazy-smart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a16daa6e-2e8e-47a7-827f-8a89a2c6699cPost:2ad0b753-aeb5-46da-8bb1-8b542594eec9">Re: Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart??</a>:
[QUOTE]Is that how the college pays you for doing research? Every PhD student gets full tuition and stipend? That seems really expensive for the college, no? 
Posted by SeaTea02[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes that's how it works in a lot of science fields. You get all of your tuition paid for and then they pay you a stipend either for teaching labs (Teaching Assistant) or doing research (Research Assistant - really sweet deal). Or you get a fellowship which is even more awesome. I guess it's expensive for them, but then again a lot of schools don't pay their faculty that much anyway.</div>

acl2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-im-being-crazy-smart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a16daa6e-2e8e-47a7-827f-8a89a2c6699cPost:2ad0b753-aeb5-46da-8bb1-8b542594eec9">Re: Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart??</a>:
[QUOTE]Is that how the college pays you for doing research? Every PhD student gets full tuition and stipend? That seems really expensive for the college, no? 
Posted by SeaTea02[/QUOTE]

This only happens when you get a PhD in the sciences because, one, not many people want to do it, and two, no one would do it if they didn't get paid because it takes on average 5 years to complete, and oftentimes there isn't much money in the field once you graduate. So, it's an incentive so that people will actually do research and get PhDs.

loves2shop4shoes

Ditto what Cate said.  You cannot work during 1L...they don't let you.  You have to sign a waiver form promising that you won't work.

sparkles88

I agree with what the PPs are saying. Planning a wedding isn't as stressful as you might think. Working on a relationship enough so that you know it's stable enough for marriage- now that's something that takes time and hard work.

I am not engaged, but I am hoping to become an events planner and specialize in weddings. I just finished planning my first event, which was an engagement party for some friends. I work full time and go to school full time, and I was still able to pull this event together in about two months time without feeling very stressed out. So I think you will be able to organize a wedding while going to school, as well.

Deciding you want to marry someone after only 8 months of dating is way too soon IMO. BF and I have been dating for 2.5 years, and I still feel like I learn something new about him every day. At 8 months, I think you are still in the new phase of your relationship. You likely haven't yet been faced with stressful situations that will put your relationship to the test. Speaking from personal experience, BF and I always had a happy and stable relationship, but this past year events came up that neither of us saw coming. It put a LOT of strain on our relationship. I think the only way we got through it was because we had been dating for a while, and had strong communication skills. If we had only been dating for 8 months I'm sure both of us would have gotten fed up and called it quits. You can't really do that in a marriage. I think before you get engaged or married you need to know you have the skills it takes to make that marriage succeed, and I just don't think 8 months is enough time to truly prepare for that.

leia1979

OP, first off, thanks for being level headed in your responses. Many people just fly off the handle and start calling names and whatnot.

I really would urge you to wait. You're still going to change a lot over the next few years (I'm an old lady of 30). I don't understand why you need to rush.

School is going to be expensive, and jobs may still be slim when you graduate. Even if your BFs PhD program has an adequate stipend, $20k in savings really isn't that much.

Finish school, start your career, and start paying off your debts before incurring new debt for a wedding.

nottheonlydreamer44

I'm jumping in on the back end of this post which is probably a bad idea, however, I did read every response. I do not go to Law School nor am I working through my PhD at an accelerated pace so I can't throw anything in there. I do think it is immensely strange that you two are so young and so "far ahead" but whatever. I had my first BA at 21, second at 24 (took a year off), and now I am finishing my Masters. It's a lot of work and it's extremely time consuming but Grad school will not kill you (not even Law School).

I'm glad you aren't freaking out but something about this entire posts bug the hell out of me and I can't put my finger on why that is exactly. For some reason (and I am not at all saying this is true) I feel like this entire thing is stretching the truth a bit. That's just me. Who knows?

My FI and I bought a house and got engaged within 3 months of dating. We're having a 9 month engagement (we are not abstaining from sex) and I think this is a HORRIBLE decision for most people.  Despite how "mature" you think you are at 19 - I'm sorry "22"... you are not. You've been dating for 8 months. If I married the person I was in love with at 19 my life would be a hot mess right now.

Slow your roll in a big way. Everything about this post just gives me a gut feeling of bad decision. Get some REAL life experience behind you and then come back around and asssess things.

I second whoever said the "Waiting til Marriage" board is the best place for you.

SeaTea02

Dreamer, it isn't just you on the stretch the truth boat. That is why I asked more questions and gave less advice.

I really can't tell her she is too young because I am only a year older (but will be 22 by the time we get married). I can tell her I don't think 28k is enough a year to live off of and I don't think 20k in savings will get you very far either. That shouldn't be money you spend on monthly bill but rather car or medical emergencies. What is that 1900 a month after taxes? Maybe I am high maintenance but that wouldn't be enough.

I also don't think you really know a person after 8 months. I really, really don't.

Just choose carefully. We aren't trying to be big manies, we just don't want to see you divorced in a few years because you made mistakes when you were young.

Ana_2985

I must be really weird. My grad school stipend is plenty of money for me/us to live off of. I have plenty of "emergency money" saved and I also don't feel like I have to be careful with every penny. The only major bill we don't have is rent, but I used to pay rent and I was still fine.

I'm not saying I think it's a good idea for OP to hurry up and get married. I'm just surprised most people don't think they are making enough. I wouldn't consider myself low maintenance either...just smart I guess.

calindi

SeaTea, I think you're going overboard a bit.  $20k in savings is a lot, and indicates a significant amount of fiscal responsibility in so far as being able to save that much, especially at a young age.  Now, as far as stretching the truth, there's no way to tell, but taking this girl at her word, it seems she's doing okay if she just slows her roll a bit. 

Law school loans don't pay a lot for living, but it's what my BF lives off of at 27 years old.  He didn't have any real savings when he started, either.  However, he's been financially independent for over 10 years now.  He owns his car and carries no balance on his credit cards.  He's even paid off his undergraduate loans.  So while he has nothing in the bank, he lives off the $22k of loans that he gets in living expenses annually.

If he had $20k in savings going into law school, it would have been a very comfortable place to be compared to most students who are making it on their own. I know of absolutely no law student that has savings.  Either their parents are paying for their education and they have no appreciation for being thrifty or saving money since they aren't held accountable, or they're struggling through but making do and have spent whatever savings they had to cushion the small living stipend.

CASK85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-im-being-crazy-smart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a16daa6e-2e8e-47a7-827f-8a89a2c6699cPost:5429d8f0-1338-4717-8408-db92a2d97c7d">Re: Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart??</a>:
[QUOTE]I must be really weird. My grad school stipend is plenty of money for me/us to live off of. I have plenty of "emergency money" saved and I also don't feel like I have to be careful with every penny. The only major bill we don't have is rent, but I used to pay rent and I was still fine. I'm not saying I think it's a good idea for OP to hurry up and get married. I'm just surprised most people don't think they are making enough. I wouldn't consider myself low maintenance either...just smart I guess.
Posted by Ana_2985[/QUOTE]
Oh I think I make plenty on my grad stipend. Even when BF and I didn't live together I still had enough money to live comfortably. I didn't go out on extravagant shopping trips or anything, but didn't feel deprived or poor or have to take out loans or anything. 

nottheonlydreamer44

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-im-being-crazy-smart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a16daa6e-2e8e-47a7-827f-8a89a2c6699cPost:67c1af16-3e6f-4c2b-96e5-cf1c257bb646">Re: Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart??</a>:
[QUOTE]Dreamer, it isn't just you on the stretch the truth boat. That is why I asked more questions and gave less advice. I really can't tell her she is too young because I am only a year older (but will be 22 by the time we get married). I can tell her I don't think 28k is enough a year to live off of and I don't think 20k in savings will get you very far either. That shouldn't be money you spend on monthly bill but rather car or medical emergencies. What is that 1900 a month after taxes? Maybe I am high maintenance but that wouldn't be enough. I also don't think you really know a person after 8 months. I really, really don't. Just choose carefully. We aren't trying to be big manies, we just don't want to see you divorced in a few years because you made mistakes when you were young.
Posted by SeaTea02[/QUOTE]


Agreed 100%.

Ana - I don't get a graduate school stipend - I'm not exactly sure if they do that for people who don't have a fellowship if you're in an Education program. Without my income we're making a little over $2,500 a month and I am<strong><em> dying </em></strong>on that salary. Thank God Mike is back on OT and we will be making far more. Living on $28,000 for us is just not physically possible. I guess I am high maintenance, lol.

I'm literally counting the days until I can apply for my licensure and I can get a job in my field in a few months. There's a BIG difference between mid-$20's to mid $90's. In my world that's pretty freaking good. *shrugs*.

calindi

Ana, I totally agree.  Not only was BF able to pay off his car loan and his undergraduate loan with his initial law school loan, he was able to take a 12-day trip to Europe in October.  Sure, it took an awful lot of budgeting to pull off such an expensive trip, but with some careful planning and financial discipline, it is plenty to live off.

I know a young man who is living off his law school loans, while his wife is a stay-at-home Mom for their little girl.  Granted, I still think the Mom should work part time while the little girl is at school, but they survive.

acl2012

Ya...we're really low maintenance people, and I don't think the financials would be too big of an issue, but I'm obviously not absolutely certain of that.

And as far as not going off the handle, I can't really get upset at pepole for giving me their opinions when I asked for it. I really appreciate their honesty and all of the people who have posted on here have helped put a lot of things into perspective for me.

The one thing I will say though, is directed to Dreamer, and that is that you can't really say things about getting real life experience without knowing someone's background. As I've said before, I've been through more than you could possibly imagine, and I've seen more than my fair share of the world. I can't say I'm experienced in all things because that would be absurd, but I can tell you that I have experienced much more than anyone my age should. However, I do understand where you're coming from when you say that and agree that you need to know what you're getting into before you attempt to get into it or else the chances of failing are much higher, so, I do still appreciate the advice. =]

And I just want to thank all you ladies again for being open and honest with me. It has definitely helped me massive amounts, and I will take everything that was said into consideration! =]

PaigeMcC

ACL you sound like a fairly level headed woman.  Thank you for taking everyone's advice with such poise.  Please feel free to stick around and shoot the breeze with us..as long as you don't turn crazy.  If you really are crazy, then please leave now.

acl2012

And, my car is also almost paid off and neither of us will have debts from undergrad. So, our main costs will be our house. Which he plans to buy once he's officially accepted into his grad school and he also plans to have a roommate to help out with that expense.

CASK85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-im-being-crazy-smart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a16daa6e-2e8e-47a7-827f-8a89a2c6699cPost:31b1d34d-effe-4432-8bb7-cba5d5e19ba9">Re: Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart??</a>:
[QUOTE]Ya...we're really low maintenance people, and I don't think the financials would be too big of an issue, but I'm obviously not absolutely certain of that. And as far as not going off the handle, I can't really get upset at pepole for giving me their opinions when I asked for it. I really appreciate their honesty and all of the people who have posted on here have helped put a lot of things into perspective for me. <strong>The one thing I will say though, is directed to Dreamer, and that is that you can't really say things about getting real life experience without knowing someone's background. As I've said before, I've been through more than you could possibly imagine, and I've seen more than my fair share of the world. I can't say I'm experienced in all things because that would be absurd, but I can tell you that I have experienced much more than anyone my age should.</strong> However, I do understand where you're coming from when you say that and agree that you need to know what you're getting into before you attempt to get into it or else the chances of failing are much higher, so, I do still appreciate the advice. =] And I just want to thank all you ladies again for being open and honest with me. It has definitely helped me massive amounts, and I will take everything that was said into consideration! =]
Posted by acl2012[/QUOTE]<div>First I'd like to agree with what Paige just said. You do seem somewhat level-headed and are welcome to stay and chat.</div><div>
</div><div>However, in reference to the bolded part, while it is true that I don't know you or what you've been through, I can say that I thought this same thing when I was 20. And now I know that I was wrong. Yes I had a lot of things that I "went through," but there is still something to be said for age. . . not to trivialize whatever trials you've had, but honestly age does matter. </div>

SeaTea02

Honestly, I think that is amazing Cate. Good for you guys.

I don't know a ton about finances, but I have been trying to learn (think Financial Peace). I have been nervous about mine and BF's salary after college and that makes me feel really comforted.

lindsayrae1986

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-im-being-crazy-smart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a16daa6e-2e8e-47a7-827f-8a89a2c6699cPost:954b75c0-f1c7-4612-8791-3a7cec6d1701">Re: Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart??</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I think that is amazing Cate. Good for you guys. I don't know a ton about finances, but I have been trying to learn (think Financial Peace). I have been nervous about mine and BF's salary after college and that makes me feel really comforted.
Posted by SeaTea02[/QUOTE]

i'm a fan of dave ramsey as well.  FI and i are going to use a lot of the basic concepts from FPU, but we aren't going to do everything exactly as he says...  it's really hardcore.  there are ways to kind of flex FPU in order to fit your lifestyle.  at first i was so stressed out about doing FPU and getting married, etc...  but after i started talking with some other young marrieds about how they budget/live and started to flex the FPU plan a little bit, i felt a LOT better.  FPU is great, but life happens and you have to be flexible enough to make it through together.  :)

acl2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-im-being-crazy-smart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a16daa6e-2e8e-47a7-827f-8a89a2c6699cPost:ef45a048-5f62-494f-83e9-b456723139e9">Re: Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart??</a>:
[QUOTE]ACL you sound like a fairly level headed woman.  Thank you for taking everyone's advice with such poise.  Please feel free to stick around and shoot the breeze with us..<strong>as long as you don't turn crazy.  If you really are crazy, then please leave now.</strong>
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]


Haha. That made my day. I generally am not crazy, which is why I made this post since this is the only area where I get a bit crazy and I had read in the stickies that you ladies will talk people down from their craziness. So, I figured I'd give you all a shot, and I'm glad I did. And I appreciate the invite to stick around and will probably take you up on that offer. =]

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-im-being-crazy-smart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a16daa6e-2e8e-47a7-827f-8a89a2c6699cPost:954b75c0-f1c7-4612-8791-3a7cec6d1701">Re: Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart??</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I think that is amazing Cate. Good for you guys. I don't know a ton about finances, but I have been trying to learn (think Financial Peace). I have been nervous about mine and BF's salary after college and that makes me feel really comforted.
Posted by SeaTea02[/QUOTE]

Thanks!  Really, I wasn't nearly as good at budgeting until I moved in with BF.  He's inspired me to set a fiscal plan and stick to it - he's one of the most disciplined people I've ever met.  I can send you the spreadsheet we work off of, if it'll help?

Our basic philosophy is to carry as little debt as possible.  When there's a choice between paying off debt or splurging, we always pay off debt first.  It's something we both agree on, and makes life a lot easier.

We spend $75/week on groceries for the two of us - I used to spend over $100 for myself and ended up throwing out a lot of food.  I've saved a TON by simply writing up a menu for the week and only buying the foods specific for that menu.  We eat a lot of leftovers for lunch during the week, and we throw out very little food now.  This on its own saves us hundreds of dollars a year.

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-im-being-crazy-smart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a16daa6e-2e8e-47a7-827f-8a89a2c6699cPost:1a7ef42a-7440-411b-93fb-810b2ff3f1d1">Re: Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart?? : Thanks!  Really, I wasn't nearly as good at budgeting until I moved in with BF.  He's inspired me to set a fiscal plan and stick to it - he's one of the most disciplined people I've ever met.  I can send you the spreadsheet we work off of, if it'll help? Our basic philosophy is to carry as little debt as possible.  When there's a choice between paying off debt or splurging, we always pay off debt first.  It's something we both agree on, and makes life a lot easier. We spend $75/week on groceries for the two of us - I used to spend over $100 for myself and ended up throwing out a lot of food.  <strong>I've saved a TON by simply writing up a menu for the week and only buying the foods specific for that menu.  We eat a lot of leftovers for lunch during the week, and we throw out very little food now.  This on its own saves us hundreds of dollars a year</strong>.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

I vote that Cate start posting her weekly menus and shopping lists when she creates them.

lindsayrae1986

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-im-being-crazy-smart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a16daa6e-2e8e-47a7-827f-8a89a2c6699cPost:202a694f-b698-4f5d-b5eb-63b4b9b70e67">Re: Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need to know if I'm being crazy or smart?? : I vote that Cate start posting her weekly menus and shopping lists when she creates them.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

i vote too!!