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Buying a House

I am seriously considering buying my first home, and am wondering how other women in long term relationships went about it - by yourself, with your boyfriend, waited to get married, etc. I just need all of the opinions and advice I can get from a wide variety of sources. Thanks!
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Re: Buying a House

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    AudgiePodgeAudgiePodge member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I bought one with my ex husband after we were married, but look how well that turned out. HAR HAR HAR!
    I'm not good at feelings.

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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a96cc997-251b-405b-8a19-7dee866f45d8Post:fbc5d5a4-08aa-402e-99d1-cab47ae8091b">Buying a House</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am seriously considering buying my first home, and am wondering how other women in long term relationships went about it - by yourself, with your boyfriend, waited to get married, etc. I just need all of the opinions and advice I can get from a wide variety of sources. Thanks!
    Posted by laurenann82[/QUOTE]

    Only you can decide if buying a home with SO is right for you.You need to figure out if you do plan to stay in a relationship for the long haul and if this is a financial step you are willing to take with him...
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    edited December 2011
    FI and I bought our house after we were engaged. We closed in September but we are doing a lot of work to fix it up and won't be moving in together in the new house till after we are married. We are having a great time fixing it up but are very glad we are waiting to live there together.

    Good Luck!
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a96cc997-251b-405b-8a19-7dee866f45d8Post:a802e51e-f0f0-46be-acda-73cc37a3a1f7">Re: Buying a House</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Buying a House : Only you can decide if buying a home with SO is right for you.You need to figure out if you do plan to stay in a relationship for the long haul and if this is a financial step you are willing to take with him...
    Posted by rxjen[/QUOTE]

    Oh, I know. I'm just curious about what other people did - maybe there is an idea I haven't considered or something.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a96cc997-251b-405b-8a19-7dee866f45d8Post:94a6c572-535b-4f51-a277-2c0356a21e37">Re: Buying a House</a>:
    [QUOTE]I bought one with my ex husband after we were married, but look how well that turned out. HAR HAR HAR!
    Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]
    Haaaardy Har Har!!!
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    edited December 2011
    FI and i are in the process of buying a house.  we're going to meet with a bank and a financial planner to talk about all the legal aspects of it.  there are several different options.

    however a good friend of mine got married this summer.  they bought a house together before they were married so it has her maiden name.  it doesn't look like there will be any problems later down the road as long as they have the marriage license/certificate/whatnot.

    it's definitely something you really want to research before jumping into it.

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    edited December 2011
    Well you could do it before your wedding.....You still have about a yearUndecided
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    PaigeMcCPaigeMcC member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    We'll be buying our house after the wedding.  FBD and I don't want the stress of house hunting to mix with the stress of wedding planning.  It would probably make me explode.

    Anyways, if you're going to buy a house with  someone there are a LOT of things to consider.  I would discuss the purchase, if you're really serious, with a lawyer.  Not being married = needing a legally binding contract of some sort.  You really need this so that if something were to ever happen to either one of you, or your relationship went down the tubes, the house details would be down on paper.

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    calindicalindi member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Legally, you need to make sure to be careful if you're not married.  If you happened to split up, you need it in writing how you would handle the house - would you sell it and split the proceeds?  Will the money you each be put in be 50/50, and if not, will one person own a higher percentage of the house?  You need it in writing!  No matter how much you love him and trust him, get EVERYTHING in writing!  If it ever came to a small claims court case, it can demonstrate intent (whether things were a gift or an investment, etc.)

    Needless to say, it's financially risky to do it with him.  The least difficult way to do it is to buy it yourself and have him pay you "rent".  You can draw up a lease or not, depending on how you want to do it.  By doing it this way, if things didn't work out, he'd just move out.  However, if he puts any money into the house (furniture, upgrades, etc.) then you need to document whether these are gifts or investments.  It gets complicated legally later otherwise - if it's a gift, you keep it regardless.  If it's an investment, you'll likely owe him for the depreciated value of whatever he purchased/paid for.

    Once you get married, you can always add him to the title deed after so you jointly own it then.

    One of my college roommates just bought a house with her boyfriend of 5 years.  They have extensive legal documents detailing who owns what, and in the case of a breakup how they will liquidate and divide the assets.



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    edited December 2011

    Has anyone been in a serious relationship but went and bought a house just by themselves? That is what I'm considering right now, I need to resarch the finanical and legal possibilities. I KNOW the Knot  message board is not a substitute for advice from a professional, but maybe someone out there has a good anecdote to share or whatever. Thanks again!

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    motoLynmotoLyn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Fi and his father were looking at houses a bit before Fi and I got engaged.  His father has given him a substantial down payment.  So we're looking at houses casually now and hoping to buy one next year.  We have decided that we're going to go to a lawyer and do some legal documents that protect his father's investment and iron out my contribution to the house payments.  Something like that....

    FI and I live together now.  So its no biggie to be living in a house together. 
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    edited December 2011
    calindi - great thoughts.

    laurenann82 - calindi had some great advice.  while i don't agree with all of it, i do think she brings up a great point.  since i will be making the downpayment and the majority of mortgage payments until my FI pays off his student loans, most likely the house will be in my name until after the wedding, at which point we will add him to the title.  however, if for some reason we were to break up, the house really is "mine" in the sense that i put all of the money into it up to that point in time.  now that being said, i'm not really into the whole "mine/yours" thing...  so once we were married i would like to have him on the title as well.

    however, as paige/calindi mentioned, get everything in writing. 

    FI and i still have to meet with a lender, financial planner, etc. to go over all of our options so i can't say for sure that this is what we are doing.  as of right now, we are relatively uninformed concerning the legality of buying a house.  once we start to get more information, i'll be glad to share it with you if you'd like.
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    edited December 2011
    My bf bought a house about a year ago by him self and I live here with him. I pay "rent" and after we get married, we'll add my name to the title and deed, but right now, it's completely in his name. We spilt everything bill-wise and we both buy stuff for the house. We looked at houses together to find the perfect one for us, but when it came time to buy it, he did all of that. We did talk about how it would work and how much I'd be paying in "rent" and how we would handle buying stuff for it and bills and whatnot.

    I'm not sure if this is what you're looking for, but hope it helps!
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    jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I would never buy a house, or even a car, with someone other than my husband on the title.  If you want to buy a house now, make sure you can afford to do so solely on your income and credit (don't count on him to pay half...if you break up, you want to know you can do it on your own).  If you can and want to, go for it!  Right now is a great time to buy.

    My FI owns the house that we live in, my name is nowhere on it, which is 100% fine with me.  Granted, he literally closed and moved in 3 days before we met, so he went through the whole process as a single man.  However, even after we get married, we will not be adding my name to the mortgage until we eventually buy a new house together.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a96cc997-251b-405b-8a19-7dee866f45d8Post:a1ea11eb-e1ac-437c-8eb5-de9db0ebe4ee">Re: Buying a House</a>:
    [QUOTE]My bf bought a house about a year ago by him self and I live here with him. I pay "rent" and after we get married, we'll add my name to the title and deed, but right now, it's completely in his name. We spilt everything bill-wise and we both buy stuff for the house. We looked at houses together to find the perfect one for us, but when it came time to buy it, he did all of that. We did talk about how it would work and how much I'd be paying in "rent" and how we would handle buying stuff for it and bills and whatnot. I'm not sure if this is what you're looking for, but hope it helps!
    Posted by StarGazingHiker[/QUOTE]

    I am sorry but your post disturbs me. You agreed on rent and split everything? But you are helping buy stuff for HIS house? I just dont see how this postmakes sense to me :(( Reminds me of the Joy Luck Club....
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    CASK85CASK85 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a96cc997-251b-405b-8a19-7dee866f45d8Post:54858a13-e5fd-462b-bb44-ac590ac8d1df">Re: Buying a House</a>:
    [QUOTE]Has anyone been in a serious relationship but went and bought a house just by themselves? That is what I'm considering right now, I need to resarch the finanical and legal possibilities. I KNOW the Knot  message board is not a substitute for advice from a professional, but maybe someone out there has a good anecdote to share or whatever. Thanks again!
    Posted by laurenann82[/QUOTE]
    A guy I work with bought a condo after he'd been dating his (now) wife for about a year. As far as I know her name wasn't on the deed until they got married. HTH
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    edited December 2011
    rxjen- What is it that disturbs you? Is it that we're sharing bills and I buy stuff for our house or is it that I'm paying rent?

    Just to clarify, I'm not really paying rent, as in here's a check every month, thanks for letting me live here. For us, it is more like I add so much a month to our account for the house and bills... I guess that may seem wierd, but for us it works!
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    Hazel_BHazel_B member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm in a similar position to StarGazingHiker except that I am the one who bought the house and BF is paying rent to me and helping around the house. In our case he pays rent to me and I pay the mortgage, taxes and all the bills. I also pay for all rennovations and repairs that need to be done. It isn't an even split.

    He wasn't financially ready to buy a house when I bought, so that is how we came up with the arrangement. He will slowly increase his rent to a point where we are equal.

    That being said, I bought a house that I alone would be able to afford. His rent is a bonus. I'd rather this situation and him pay rent while working on his student loans. Coming from the US he also didn't have a Canadian credit history.

    Hope that helps.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a96cc997-251b-405b-8a19-7dee866f45d8Post:12afe7e4-bd23-4ced-ad40-81fe1165b811">Re: Buying a House</a>:
    [QUOTE]rxjen- What is it that disturbs you? Is it that we're sharing bills and I buy stuff for our house or is it that I'm paying rent? Just to clarify, I'm not really paying rent, as in here's a check every month, thanks for letting me live here. For us, it is more like I add so much a month to our account for the house and bills... I guess that may seem wierd, but for us it works!
    Posted by StarGazingHiker[/QUOTE]

    Ok Thanks for kinda clarifying it.....

    From previous  experience I had a Bf that I used to live with a long time ago.He had his house that he lived in ( he bought it when he was married).This guy made a six figure salary and I earned a good salary as well.As soon as I moved in since he traveled for work he was never there,He cried poverty all the time and I got stuck with the majority of the bills and helping him pay off deb his marital debt( he cheated on his wife with this girl and she took him for all he had).Half way thru our relationship I found out that he was paying fees( he paid roughly 43,000) for 3 mail order brides in the Phillipines,he would try one and when permission to leave was not granted he would move on to the next (which escentially where whores). Now who reemburses me for the nearly (60,000.00) That I put into making his house a home? Now he enjoys his house with one of his tramps and I was left with only a U Haul full of my personnal belongings,nothing more nothing less.....That is why I would NEVER buy anything significant with anyone other than my HUSBAND.....
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    edited December 2011
    Hazel- it was kinda the same situation, except that I definitely wasn't in the financial position to buy a house and he was. We could have waited until we were married to do it together, but it was a good time to buy so he did.  He pays 100% of the mortgage and taxes, but we've been sharing bills since we moved in together 4 years ago, so we just continued to do that. Our bills in the house aren't much different from the ones we were paying while renting. Our house is definitely something he can afford on his own.

    I do say "our" house, when I guess technically it's his, but it's just so much easier to say.
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    AudgiePodgeAudgiePodge member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a96cc997-251b-405b-8a19-7dee866f45d8Post:8ee73de2-9e59-402b-ae66-8d4b68051da3">Re: Buying a House</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Buying a House : Ok Thanks for kinda clarifying it..... From previous  experience I had a Bf that I used to live with a long time ago.He had his house that he lived in ( he bought it when he was married).This guy made a six figure salary and I earned a good salary as well.As soon as I moved in since he traveled for work he was never there,He cried poverty all the time and I got stuck with the majority of the bills and helping him pay off deb his marital debt( he cheated on his wife with this girl and she took him for all he had).Half way thru our relationship I found out that he was paying fees( he paid roughly 43,000) for 3 mail order brides in the Phillipines,he would try one and when permission to leave was not granted he would move on to the next (which escentially where whores). Now who reemburses me for the nearly (60,000.00) That I put into making his house a home? Now he enjoys his house with one of his tramps and I was left with only a U Haul full of my personnal belongings,nothing more nothing less.....That is why I would NEVER buy anything significant with anyone other than my HUSBAND.....
    Posted by rxjen[/QUOTE]


    You are around a lot of BSC peopl, I mean, if that's what they do.
    I'm not good at feelings.

    image
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a96cc997-251b-405b-8a19-7dee866f45d8Post:8ee73de2-9e59-402b-ae66-8d4b68051da3">Re: Buying a House</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Buying a House : Ok Thanks for kinda clarifying it..... From previous  experience I had a Bf that I used to live with a long time ago.He had his house that he lived in ( he bought it when he was married).This guy made a six figure salary and I earned a good salary as well.As soon as I moved in since he traveled for work he was never there,He cried poverty all the time and I got stuck with the majority of the bills and helping him pay off deb his marital debt( he cheated on his wife with this girl and she took him for all he had).Half way thru our relationship I found out that he was paying fees( he paid roughly 43,000) for 3 mail order brides in the Phillipines,he would try one and when permission to leave was not granted he would move on to the next (which escentially where whores). Now who reemburses me for the nearly (60,000.00) That I put into making his house a home? Now he enjoys his house with one of his tramps and I was left with only a U Haul full of my personnal belongings,nothing more nothing less.....That is why I would NEVER buy anything significant with anyone other than my HUSBAND.....
    Posted by rxjen[/QUOTE]

    Oh rxjen!! What a horrible experience and what a horrible man! I'm so sorry that you had to go through that! I can definitely understand why you would not want to buy anything significant with anyone but your husband!

    Yeah, all the large things for the house such as furniture are left over from our renting days which we would take turns buying. Thankfully his parents bought us a washer, dryer and fridge as a house-warming present so he didn't have to buy those. So, no large purchases have been made, but when it comes time for a new bed or couch or things like that, he'll buy some things and I'll buy some things.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a96cc997-251b-405b-8a19-7dee866f45d8Post:b6a86e2b-b47f-46e0-a8ad-12003844eef3">Re: Buying a House</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Buying a House : You are around a lot of BSC peopl, I mean, if that's what they do.
    Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]

    Yea tell me about it!
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    loopy82loopy82 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think if you move into a house that your name is not on and you pay rent/the mortgage/bills/ what have you and it ends up not working out and you move out, I really don't see it as money invested that you won't get back, it is more like if you lived in an apartment and paid rent. You don't get money back from that when the owner sells the property.
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    coastiegrl25coastiegrl25 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a96cc997-251b-405b-8a19-7dee866f45d8Post:8ee73de2-9e59-402b-ae66-8d4b68051da3">Re: Buying a House</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Buying a House : Ok Thanks for kinda clarifying it..... From previous  experience I had a Bf that I used to live with a long time ago.  He had his house that he lived in (he bought it when he was married).  This guy made a six figure salary and I earned a good salary as well.  As soon as I moved in since he traveled for work he was never there, He cried poverty all the time and I got stuck with the majority of the bills and helping him pay off deb his marital debt( he cheated on his wife with this girl and she took him for all he had).  Half way thru our relationship I found out that he was paying fees (he paid roughly 43,000) for 3 mail order brides in the Phillipines, he would try one and when permission to leave was not granted he would move on to the next (which escentially where whores).  Now who reemburses me for the nearly (60,000.00)  That I put into making his house a home?  Now he enjoys his house with one of his tramps and I was left with only a U Haul full of my personnal belongings, nothing more nothing less.....That is why I would NEVER buy anything significant with anyone other than my HUSBAND.....
    Posted by rxjen[/QUOTE]

    I went ahead and edited spaces in your paragraph for you for easier reading.  Actually, to me I don't understand why you would do this all for a man whom cheated on his wife. I know if it were me, it would take a lot to show he wouldn't do the same to me. 
    When is my wedding
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    desertsundesertsun member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I think the nest has some useful tools:

    http://ideas.thenest.com/real-estate.aspx
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a96cc997-251b-405b-8a19-7dee866f45d8Post:3f39822b-f371-4ecf-aedc-825ad6464dfb">Re: Buying a House</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Buying a House : I went ahead and edited spaces in your paragraph for you for easier reading.  Actually, to me I don't understand why you would do this all for a man whom cheated on his wife. I know if it were me, it would take a lot to show he wouldn't do the same to me. 
    Posted by coastiegrl25[/QUOT


    If I knew then what I know now......
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    calindicalindi member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a96cc997-251b-405b-8a19-7dee866f45d8Post:4b4a7caa-4418-44da-909a-f37d1c866951">Re: Buying a House</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Buying a House : If I knew then what I know now......
    Posted by rxjen[/QUOTE]

    Here's something to learn - once a cheater, always a cheater.

    For the very few exceptions, it's worth just avoiding anyone who had the bad judgement to cheat on someone before because they'll likely do it to you.

    image

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    leia1979leia1979 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    OP, if you're thinking of buying the house on your own, then I would advise getting a prenup if you live in a community property state.

    If you have the money to do it on your own, then more power to you! Where I live, it would not be possible to buy with just my salary...at least not comfortably.

    There are some great calculators to help you see how much you can afford. I liked Suze Orman's The Road to Wealth. She has some good pointers.
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    jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a96cc997-251b-405b-8a19-7dee866f45d8Post:c8a69b03-0346-48ca-a5f3-d1453d41a08d">Re: Buying a House</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Buying a House : Here's something to learn - once a cheater, always a cheater. For the very few exceptions, it's worth just avoiding anyone who had the bad judgement to cheat on someone before because they'll likely do it to you.
    Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

    Ditto this.  I had a 'friend' (she was really a friend of a friend of a friend) who was having an affair with a married man.  He left his wife for her, they got married like a week after his first divorce was final and then a few months later she found out he was cheating on her.  She was so shocked and pissed...I kinda just wanted to say "well now you know how his first wife felt when he was screwing you"  Cheaters are bad, but the people who cheat with them (knowing they are married/in a relationship) are just as bad in my book and 100% deserve to get cheated on themselves.

    rxjen- obviously not saying that this was your situation, but just more often than not, if you know someone has been a cheater before, chances are it will happen again.
    Anniversary
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