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Buying a House

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Re: Buying a House

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    edited December 2011
    I was actually brought with this problem today and was wondering if I could piggy back on this by asking my similar problem.

    I told my sister today of the good news, my boyfriend and I decided to get a house together next summer.

    We have decided, in order to not rush into marriage, to live together for a year. We have discussed and know that we both want to get married and have a very very long term relationship together. That by living in "our" house for a year, we will get a feel for almost everything we could face when married.

    But my sister's reaction was, "You aren't supposed to do that. People who live with each other before getting married break up before marriage or divorce quickly after getting married."

    My response, "You sound like mom... and she has no room to talk."

    Anyone believe the statistic of living together is destructive? Or does having a house together before marriage strengthen a relationship?
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    edited December 2011
    I was in a long term relationship (about 7 years) and I bought a house by myself. He ended up moving in, and within a year he proposed. 6 months later, I broke it off with him. It just wasn't meant to be. I'm 100% happy that I bought the home alone. If we had bought it together, I would have lost a lot. He was upset because he had been helping with the payments (or paying me rent), and had helped redo the house, but when it was all said and done, the house was mine and he had no legal ownership. I've owned the house for about 6 years, and I'm so happy with my decision.

    But, all that being said, as a single woman homeowner, it is rough. My suggestion is have a GOOD handyman that you can call when things break. I have an amazing guy and he does a lot for me for really cheap.
    ~~December 3, 2011~~
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a96cc997-251b-405b-8a19-7dee866f45d8Post:757afd7f-47e6-4f5b-b49b-08651f3917f4">Re: Buying a House</a>:
    [QUOTE]I was actually brought with this problem today and was wondering if I could piggy back on this by asking my similar problem. I told my sister today of the good news, my boyfriend and I decided to get a house together next summer. We have decided, in order to not rush into marriage, to live together for a year. We have discussed and know that we both want to get married and have a very very long term relationship together. That by living in "our" house for a year, we will get a feel for almost everything we could face when married. But my sister's reaction was, "You aren't supposed to do that. People who live with each other before getting married break up before marriage or divorce quickly after getting married." My response, "You sound like mom... and she has no room to talk." Anyone believe the statistic of living together is destructive? Or does having a house together before marriage strengthen a relationship?
    Posted by sunshineboots[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I could not imagine NOT living together before marriage, but I'm typically very liberal and most of my friends are the same way. Everyone I am close to who is married lived together for a couple of years before they got hitched. It's normal to me. I forget that my views - on this topic, and many, MANY others - are not exactly the status quo in other cultures or parts of the country.

    </div>
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    edited December 2011
    <span style="color:#000000;font-family:Times;font-size:medium;line-height:normal;" class="Apple-style-span"><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-repeat:initial;background-attachment:initial;-webkit-background-clip:initial;-webkit-background-origin:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;">In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a96cc997-251b-405b-8a19-7dee866f45d8Post:7123eb08-6ed1-4f4f-83b6-6faa725236ff">Re: Buying a House</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Buying a House : I could not imagine NOT living together before marriage, but I'm typically very liberal and most of my friends are the same way. Everyone I am close to who is married lived together for a couple of years before they got hitched. It's normal to me. I forget that my views - on this topic, and many, MANY others - are not exactly the status quo in other cultures or parts of the country.
    Posted by laurenann82[/QUOTE]
    That is soo good to hear. I know I shouldn't let what others say hinder my actions too much but at the same time I never had a very good example of what a healthy relationship is or how to maintain one. </div></span>
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    desertsundesertsun member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a96cc997-251b-405b-8a19-7dee866f45d8Post:757afd7f-47e6-4f5b-b49b-08651f3917f4">Re: Buying a House</a>:
    [QUOTE]I was actually brought with this problem today and was wondering if I could piggy back on this by asking my similar problem. I told my sister today of the good news, my boyfriend and I decided to get a house together next summer. We have decided, in order to not rush into marriage, to live together for a year. We have discussed and know that we both want to get married and have a very very long term relationship together. That by living in "our" house for a year, we will get a feel for almost everything we could face when married. But my sister's reaction was, "You aren't supposed to do that. People who live with each other before getting married break up before marriage or divorce quickly after getting married." My response, "You sound like mom... and she has no room to talk." Anyone believe the statistic of living together is destructive? Or does having a house together before marriage strengthen a relationship?
    Posted by sunshineboots[/QUOTE]

    Here's a good article talking about how chances of staying together 10 years decreases slightly if you cohabit before being engaged or married:
    <a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/weddings/2010/03/03/2010-03-03_living_together_before_marriage_doesnt_significantly_raise_likelihood_of_divorce.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/weddings/2010/03/03/2010-03-03_living_together_before_marriage_doesnt_significantly_raise_likelihood_of_divorce.html</a>

    Note, though, that the article points out that it's that nature of the commitment at time of cohabitation that is what really matters -- you're more likely to last longer if, as you've done, you've had an open and honest talk about your future together.

    I wouldn't let your sister dictate how you live your life.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a96cc997-251b-405b-8a19-7dee866f45d8Post:05c1e8d5-2a5a-465e-bca2-77e4de230721">Re: Buying a House</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Buying a House : Here's a good article talking about how chances of staying together 10 years decreases slightly if you cohabit before being engaged or married: <a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/weddings/2010/03/03/2010-03-03_living_together_before_marriage_doesnt_significantly_raise_likelihood_of_divorce.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/weddings/2010/03/03/2010-03-03_living_together_before_marriage_doesnt_significantly_raise_likelihood_of_divorce.html</a> Note, though, that the article points out that it's that nature of the commitment at time of cohabitation that is what really matters -- you're more likely to last longer if, as you've done, you've had an open and honest talk about your future together. I wouldn't let your sister dictate how you live your life.
    Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]<div>
    Thank you soo much! This really makes sense and I think I am going to talk to my BF about giving him a time frame to pop the question so that we are engaged before we move in. It would make me more comfortable and like you and the article said, make the commitment more focused on the future.</div><div>
    </div><div>Not that I am forcing him to propose, I still want to be surprised when it happens, but tell him, "I think it would be best if we were engaged before we move into a house together hint hint poke poke."</div>
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    edited December 2011
    I plan to but a house by myself sometime in the near future since I make a good amount of money. When I do, I'll let my BF move in with me as long as he helps me pay the bills, help around the house, etc. The rent he would be paying would be helping me with the bills and also on groceries. I think that's the best way in case something happens and we split we would not run into problems. I've seen too many people breaking up and paying the house together. Not a good situation to be in.
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    edited December 2011
    Lots of good stuff to think about! Thanks ladies.
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    CASK85CASK85 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a96cc997-251b-405b-8a19-7dee866f45d8Post:757afd7f-47e6-4f5b-b49b-08651f3917f4">Re: Buying a House</a>:
    [QUOTE]I was actually brought with this problem today and was wondering if I could piggy back on this by asking my similar problem. I told my sister today of the good news, my boyfriend and I decided to get a house together next summer. We have decided, in order to not rush into marriage, to live together for a year. We have discussed and know that we both want to get married and have a very very long term relationship together. That by living in "our" house for a year, we will get a feel for almost everything we could face when married. But my sister's reaction was, "You aren't supposed to do that. People who live with each other before getting married break up before marriage or divorce quickly after getting married." My response, "You sound like mom... and she has no room to talk." Anyone believe the statistic of living together is destructive? Or does having a house together before marriage strengthen a relationship?
    Posted by sunshineboots[/QUOTE]<div>I would say that living together before getting married is in NO WAY the same thing as buying a house together before marriage. One of those things I am absolutely for. . . the other I am 100% against.  Can you guess which one?</div><div>
    </div><div>Seriously -- buying a house will not give you any more benefit than renting something, and in the case of renting, if things go south in the relationship (I know I know. . . you're so in love that they won't) you're not stuck with your name on a deed with someone who you've parted ways with. Instead you can pack your things and go with minimal property confusion. </div><div>
    </div><div>BF and I live together in "our" apartment. It is no less meaningful than it being a place we own. And we're getting all the benefits and none of the scary potential drawbacks. </div><div>
    </div><div>Seriously consider just renting.</div><div>
    </div><div>OP -- sorry for threadjacking. 

    </div>
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a96cc997-251b-405b-8a19-7dee866f45d8Post:bc430b0e-8c5d-4538-8fa5-18ba082c0056">Re: Buying a House</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Buying a House : I would say that living together before getting married is in NO WAY the same thing as buying a house together before marriage. One of those things I am absolutely for. . . the other I am 100% against.  Can you guess which one? Seriously -- buying a house will not give you any more benefit than renting something, and in the case of renting, if things go south in the relationship (I know I know. . . you're so in love that they won't) you're not stuck with your name on a deed with someone who you've parted ways with. Instead you can pack your things and go with minimal property confusion.  BF and I live together in "our" apartment. It is no less meaningful than it being a place we own. And we're getting all the benefits and none of the scary potential drawbacks.  Seriously consider just renting. OP -- sorry for threadjacking. 
    Posted by cschiano[/QUOTE]

    <div>I completely agree with renting, just in case, but I was mainly concerned about if moving in with each other would be damaging to the relationship. Seeing that you live with your boyfriend and the article that desertsun sent, comforts my fears that moving in with him might break us.</div><div>
    </div><div>Renting sounds less scary and the BF suggested we rent instead of owning when we first talked about it :)</div><div>
    </div><div>Thanks for the advice everyone!</div>
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    CASK85CASK85 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-house?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a96cc997-251b-405b-8a19-7dee866f45d8Post:749e31f4-d74b-46fb-b9af-9b20a12eb67e">Re: Buying a House</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Buying a House : I completely agree with renting, just in case, but I was mainly concerned about if moving in with each other would be damaging to the relationship. Seeing that you live with your boyfriend and the article that desertsun sent, comforts my fears that moving in with him might break us. Renting sounds less scary and the BF suggested we rent instead of owning when we first talked about it :) Thanks for the advice everyone!
    Posted by sunshineboots[/QUOTE]
    Well in that case. . . awesome!  :) I love living with my BF! It is so great having my best friend around to talk to and be with all the time.
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    calindicalindi member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My personal belief is that statistically people who live together before marriage probably do have a slightly higher break-up/divorce rate than those who don't live together.  But I think there are a lot more variables that matter more than living together, that it's a misdirected conclusion. 

    I was thinking specifically of the difference in religion - couples who don't live together before marriage are often more religious than couples who do (not always, but most religions seem to frown on pre-marital cohabitation). These same religions frown on divorce, making it less likely that those couples would consider divorce as anything other than a drastic last step, whereas some people who aren't religious might treat it more casually.  Also, still married does not necessarily mean happy - I'd be more interested to see a study that shows how happy people are together who lived together before marriage.  I've got to say, it's an adjustment to live together, but it's so worth it if it's with the right person.

    Also, some couples who live together aren't doing it as a serious step in their relationship, which makes them less likely to get married or make it stick.  As my father pointed out before BF and I moved in together, there's a big difference between a roommate and a spouse, and if you're going to live with a significant other at any point, it should be in the spirit of building a home and life together (not just sharing space and splitting expenses).

    Anyway, if you want to live together, do it!  I think it's one of the best things we've done for our relationship, and we've never been more sure that we're going to have a fantastic life together.

    image

    Anniversary

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    jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I'll chime in on the living together before marriage part. 

    As I said earlier, FI owns his house, he bought it before we met (as in only moved in 3 days before we met).  Almost from the beginning of our relationship, it was as if I already lived there because I really only spent about 1 or 2 nights a week at my apartment (although I refused to keep anything at his house, I would even go home to shower) because I didn't want to overstep the boundaries. 

    After 7 months of dating, my lease was ending at my apartment and I was looking for another place to rent.  FI asked me to move in and I said no at first, I didn't want to move in just because 'my lease was up', I wanted it to be because he really wanted us to take that next step in our relationship and wanted to share his home with me (I didn't actually tell him this), but then he practically said the exact same thing unprovoked.  So I moved in. (we had also already discussed the fact that we would be getting married eventually)

    I have to say, moving in with him was the easiest moving transition I've ever had because it immediately felt like 'our home'.  I love getting to go to bed with him every night and waking up to him every morning.  I love when I sleep in on the weekends and he makes me breakfast.  I love that we make the bed together.  For us, it was always more than just a roommate, it was creating a home together.

    We've been living together for about a year and five months now and we just barely got engaged 2 months ago.  Living together before marriage was a big thing for me because I've actually lived with a BF before (that was totally a financial factor too) and I saw how much things changed when actually living with someone.  I didn't want that shock that they could be so difficult to live with to come when it was too late (already married).  Needless to say, I was pleasently surprised and even more confident in my decision to marry FI after living together.  I'm not saying this is a necessity for everyone, but it was important to us.
    Anniversary
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